Getting Boundaries Pushed!!!

Half of me feels I could possibly be reacting and letting small things get to me but the other half says "no." What do ya'll think?

1. That old lady neighbor that I spoke of once before that seems too dependent on me? Well... She's been stressing over some inconsequential stuff, like another neighbor driving by and giving her the finger. I told her to either ignore her or laugh in her face to show that it's not working if making her angry is her intention. As far as I know, she hasn't done it. Day before yesterday, the "old lady" called me 5 times and came over twice. I didn't respond to either. Yesterday, she left me a message to the effect that either I'm not answering my phone again or I just didn't want to be bothered by her. (Really now!? She wouldn't be trying to guilt me, now would she?) She's at it again today. I'm at the point that I don't feel free to go outside or to keep my front door open. Obviously, I have to say something to her because she's not taking the hint.

2. One of my next door neighbors has been saying things that I could easily interpret as manipulative. Up until day before yesterday, I just chose to ignore his comments. You see, I have all of my huge, gorgeous shade plants in part of my carport which backs up to his so called "back yard." There's a long lattice that divides his property from mine. The other neighbor whose property backs up to my carport has given me permission to do whatever I choose with his little strip of dirt and stepping stones. I've got various little things growing along the property line. One was a couple of raspberry "sticks"... just the bare root ones, that I planted this spring. Two of them have died. The first one, I pulled out and replanted because they seem to need more water than what they were getting there. The second one looked dead and dry, but I've noticed that the surviving raspberries send out shoots from underground. I was hoping that if I kept this last little stick watered and fertilized with bunny poop, it might send me up a miracle.

To humor the neighbor that is putting up a so-called patio, I cut off the dead part of the raspberry. What he really wanted was for me to pull it out completely so he could put a brick there and finish off a walkway that was started by the other neighbor.

I went away for a while and when I came back, I saw that the "patio builder" had taken his cement chisel and buried it into the ground around my little raspberry stick, making sure that if anything was growing under ground, it would be dead!

First, he knows that I feel about my plants like they are my babies. Second, MY little stick wasn't even on HIS property. What my head keeps screaming at me is "By what right did he decide that it was okay for HIM to make sure that MY plant was completely dead??????" DAMMIT!!!!

And he's offering to take care of MY plants that are closest to HIS patio??? Not on his life!! I told him so, too!! This was before he chopped the roots on MY stick!! I'd like to take that same chissel and chop a toe or two and see how HE likes it!

Ok... so am I overreacting??

Yes.

I'm not surprised at your response, Gracey, since you seem to thrive on... what shall we say... "sarcasm"?

Thanks for your POV, but I'm sure not going to take it as gospel.

(((((((((Tomi)))))))))))

I don't think you are. My plants are my babies too... I only have windowsill ones since I live in rez though, left them with my roomate (while on holidays) and one of them died. I was not impressed. So never letting her take care of them again.

1. Wish I could give you advice about the lady neighbour. Most of the people I ignore eventually take the hint...

2. Sorry about your plant Once again, no advice. I suck at advice.

Just wanted to let ya know I read, and I'm sorry you're dealing with such annoying people.

I don't think you're over reacting a bit. I would take the neighbor's chisel and throw it over in his yard. How dare he hurt your precious plant!

Tell the two women neighbors that you treasure your private time and intend to keep it just that: private. You don't have to let your neighbors invade your space and take up your valuable time.

Hugs,

Jan

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SeptemberMorn said:
I'm not surprised at your response, Gracey, since you seem to thrive on... what shall we say... "sarcasm"?

Thanks for your POV, but I'm sure not going to take it as gospel.

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Golly whiz. . .it was JUST an opinion. Sure am sorry you took offense.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Canders}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Just knowing that you understand how I feel is a great help, Honey! Yeah, my plants are my babies. You know how it feels.

Love you, Sweety!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks for your validation, Friend!

I haven't seen his damned chisel today. He's probably one of those weirdos that puts his tools away when he's done. LOL He probably took it in to wash the blood off it.

As for the neighbor lady, I guess there's no way of putting it to her without hurting her feelings. Everything is always about HER, HER, HER! Once, I had to explain to her that I quit stopping by her house because her daughter tried to guilt me about it. I told her I felt no guilt, just total annoyance; that it makes me withdraw that much more. Guess it went over her head.

It's so difficult because most of the time, I really like her. She just doesn't understand that she can get so damned demanding!!

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SeptemberMorn said:
Half of me feels I could possibly be reacting and letting small things get to me but the other half says "no." What do ya'll think?

1. Obviously, I have to say something to her because she's not taking the hint.

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I am absolutely rotten at expressing my boundaries in face-to-face talk, but sometimes we must. I hope you will find in prayer the perfect words to express that you care about the woman but cannot be as available to her as she wants you to be. Good luck with this.


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There's a long lattice that divides his property from mine. The other neighbor whose property backs up to my carport has given me permission to do whatever I choose with his little strip of dirt and stepping stones. I've got various little things growing along the property line.

I was hoping that if I kept this last little stick watered and fertilized with bunny poop, it might send me up a miracle.

I went away for a while and when I came back, I saw that the "patio builder" had taken his cement chisel and buried it into the ground around my little raspberry stick, making sure that if anything was growing under ground, it would be dead!

First, he knows that I feel about my plants like they are my babies. Second, MY little stick wasn't even on HIS property. What my head keeps screaming at me is "By what right did he decide that it was okay for HIM to make sure that MY plant was completely dead??????" DAMMIT!!!!

Ok... so am I overreacting??

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You have a right to your feelings, whether they are appropriate or overreacting. Each of us who responds will bring to our decision our own values, perceptions, attitudes, experiences, etc. The words that stand out for me are "property line," "little stick" and "send me a miracle."

Property lines are legal boundaries, and people's perceptions of where they are get blurred over time. It's probably not a great idea to plant or build anything on a real estate boundary, because it can lead to exactly the kind of disputes in which you are involved.

If the plant was indeed a stick, so badly off that you were expecting a miracle, my personal humble opinion is that your response may well be an overreaction. Personally, I would prefer that a neighbor take sick, mostly dead plants and keep them out of my sight. That doesn't make my perception more right or wrong than the perception that this was one of your "babies."

One of the principles I was taught in dog training was that when a situation involved making a choice between my dog and another human being, I must always remember to put humans before dogs. E.g. If a visitor to my home was uncomfortable being around a Doberman, you put the dog in the crate or a bedroom; you do not cut off the person who is uncomfortable as a friend or neighbor.

Good luck with these disputes. Don't let the turkeys get you down.

Maybe you could replace that raspberry stick with a blackberry bramble, firethorn bush, or nest of trained wasps. Just a thought.

I hear ya hon. I would be mad too. I am so glad I don't have close neighbors anymore! I can do whatever I choose with my little 3 acres and no one can tell me what to do with it. I have all kinds of trees and bushes growing now and that makes me happy.

as for nosey neighbors? been there done that one too and I hated it! I only have one neighbor that lives up the hill and we wave when leaving if they are out. that is about it.

Oh, this old lady isn't nosey! All she wants to do is talk about herself in the past, in the not so past, in the even closer past and always the present!! She doesn't give anyone a chance to put a word in edgwise! Like I said, it's ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HER! The guilt trips she tries to lay on me are more than I can handle. ggrrrrr It smells too much of manipulation to me.

She hasn't called me today, thank goodness! I think her daughter took her to the county fair today. WHEEEEW!! Nice break!

Wish somebody would help me with how and what to say to this woman! Been working on "I statements" but when I read them back to myself, they still sound harsh and self-centered. Then I think "It's not always ALL ABOUT YOU, old woman!!!"

Well, "I" statements can be good, I hear, in effective communication, but I also heard it's good to link them with feeling words, to show that the problem is the feelings she's causing in you, rather than because you hate her or something.

Maybe try

"I like having my space, so when you call all the time, sometimes I feel like I'm being pestered, and I feel that you don't respect my boundaries. Maybe we could set a time to have coffee and talk then, and you can save up all your good stories for that time, because altho I like talking to you, I value my alone time too."

Most likely, as soon as she realises what's going on, she'll back off... the trick is not getting her offended.

As to the raspberry-killer neighbour, maybe talk to him as well and explain that you dislike people interfering with your plants on your property, or follow Cheri's suggestion of the wasp nest. I don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do about the plants, but if this was just a one-off incident it might make things smoother to just let it slide... but if it really still bothers you then I think you should talk to him.

Good luck! My pet azalea plant sends sympathy wishes...

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Property lines are legal boundaries, and people's perceptions of where they are get blurred over time.

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The agreement to plant the raspberries was with our OTHER neighbor. The property lines are very distinctive. There's no ifs, ands or buts about them. My property ends with the outer edge of my driveway and my OTHER neighbor's property ends with some painted pavers. The plant killer decided he wanted to fill in a small space that was missing some bricks... where I had my little stick planted. So the way I feel about it, he was traspassing on both of us! Where he was putting the bricks isn't even visible to the owner of that property. He never takes care of his yard, either, so he was glad that I have planted some things there since I've been killing the weeds that are next to my driveway since we moved in. LOL

The "plant killer" wanted us to cut a section of lattice away to form a "door" between his property and ours. The lattice is the property marker. He said we were more than welcome to come and sit in his patio. Why would we want to??? I'll post pictures tomorrow so you'll understand that there is absolutely NO reason to want to do that. LOL

As for the stick, it wasn't more than 6" tall. I cut off inch by inch, in front of him, to see if there was any green in it. There wasn't. That's when I explained that raspberries send out shoots sideways and that hopefully there was something growing underground, and that any rate, I was going to continue fertizing and watering "my little stick" that by this time was about 1/2" above ground. The square of dirt he allowed it is no more than 4"x4".

I tell you! If that little stick sends up a shoot, I'll sure be removing a couple of bricks from our OTHER neighbors walkway! HUMPH!!

Trained wasps??? I'd be happy if a mess of wasps made a nest in his avocado tree! I'd like to see him sit in his 3'x3' patio then!

How about "I don't like feeling like someone is trying to make me feel guilty for needing and wanting some private time. I've explained before that I nap in the afternoons. When I do that, I don't answer my phone and my front door is closed. I feel that I've explained that to you sufficiently in the past."

OUCH! That still sounds harsh...

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meander said:
Maybe try

"I like having my space, so when you call all the time, sometimes I feel like I'm being pestered, and I feel that you don't respect my boundaries. Maybe we could set a time to have coffee and talk then, and you can save up all your good stories for that time, because altho I like talking to you, I value my alone time too."

Most likely, as soon as she realises what's going on, she'll back off... the trick is not getting her offended.


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Meander's words sound good to me. If she becomes offended, does it matter?

I was trying to leave all the "yous" out...

How about: I enjoy chatting with you, but when I spend too much time visiting I find I don't get everything else done that I need to in a day, and then I feel a little overwhelmed (stressed, tired from trying to catch up, whatever). Why don't we schedule a time...

Or something along those lines? My thinking is a little jumbled right now because I just woke up from a nap (sorry, was that cruel?)

Sounds good to me! Well... except for the "schedule a time" part. I'm afraid she'll want to fill my "schedule" 24/7! She's just got me jumpy now... I guess.

"Cruel"?? Where is cruel?

Well, the old lady did it herself! She came over here this morning, unannounced and barged into a private conversation four of us were having. She looked at one of my friends before she even said hello to anyone "What are YOU doing here?? I was told that we were to notify the police if we saw you in the park!!!!" I started shaking my head at her and told her to be quiet but she was too busy going on. When she finally shut up, I told her that I certainly wasn't going to call the police because there was no reason for it but that if she felt like she needed to, to go home and do it there. She wasn't going to do it from MY house. SHE has been told that the woman that is staying with her also can't be in the park since she's been caught breaking and entering, albeit an empty mobile home. The woman is half looney... or should I say, both of them are! She upset my friend, to say the least and my friend went to sit outside. The old lady calmed down and as always, started talking about HERself.

To make a long story short, as she was leaving, she asked my husband what they were going to do with me. Without even thinking, it came out of my mouth "Leave me alone." She turned around and asked me if I wanted her to leave me alone. She still acted as if she hadn't gotten the hint! She HAD because she disguised herself and the reason she surprised us is because I didn't recognize her when I saw her coming!

By this time, I was overstimulated and just didn't care much how she felt. I told her, "If you would, please. When I don't feel well, I prefer to be left alone." As she walked away she said "Well... maybe... I hope I see you in the next day or so."

After that, I was left to deal with my friend that was freaking out because she thought this old bat was gonna call the cops on her! I didn't need that mess, either!

Wow. Talk about getting your boundaries pushed! I can understand why she isn't your favorite person.

Good for you for standing your ground and demanding some space. It sounds like you did it in a polite way, too, although it may not feel that way to you. Wonder how long until she's knocking on your door again?

I'm with Cheri. This woman is worse than I thought. So sorry this is happening to you, September.

LOL She pushed me to the edge, that's for sure! She's lucky I didn't go off on her when she first walked through the door!

Both the woman that is staying with her any my friend are labelled "undesireable" around here, but as far as I know there's no restraining orders on these people. When people started warning her about the woman she has staying with her, she was really quick to put up her hand and say "Save it! I don't want to hear it!" She sure doesn't think that maybe her comment wasn't welcome in MY house!

Truly, I don't think she's playing with a full deck. LOL To tell the truth, amongst the four of us, I may have it better together than any of us!

MY friend isn't staying with me and she won't be, either, but I'm sure gonna try to get her back on the right track and then happily wave good-bye to her ASAP.