[ALC1211]

Maybe someone cane help me understand this? I've posted about my break up on here, was with my ex fiance 7 years, she came to me unexpectedly and said she thought we needed to go our separate ways because she had lost herself, and had grown away from me and couldn't find herself with me there. Ok, granted it was a blow still hurts like hell, and I'm sure will for quite some time I still love her and always will, but accept her decision.

She has said she wants to be friends, but it will take her time, I can respect that...but in the mean time, How does someone go from being your lover, bestfriend, never fighting or having problems...tells me she knows she's hurt me terribly and can't ever make it right ..to now being so cold and heartless, almost angry towards me. How does someone do that??

[Rose76]

I'm so sorry. That's an awful thing to go through. It's got to be one of the most hurtful things that can happen, especially after that much time.

Generally, I see people on threads here talking about diving into marriages or home sharing with people I think they should get to know better first. But there is also such a thing as having a courtship go on too long. Then, I get the feeling that one of the parties is getting their time wasted. Can you talk a little about what occurred over the course of the seven years. Had the two of you moved in together at some point? When did getting engaged happen? Seeing the timeline of events might shed light on this whole situation.

What your ex-fiancee is telling you all sounds kind of vague. Maybe she really is going through a period of confusion in her own life, or maybe she has been less than candid with you. In any case, it does sound like she is bailing and not coming back. Ill try to look at your other threads to learn a bit about what you've been through.

This is a painful time for you, no doubt. I don't know that "friendship" with her is going to be much comfort to you anytime soon. Do you thing she might have gotten involved with someone else?

There's an explanation behind this, I believe, and IMHO it's probably not as vague as she is making it sound. It does sound like she may have a capacity for cruelty that you didn't expect. It seems you may have never really known her.

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm so sorry. That's an awful thing to go through. It's got to be one of the most hurtful things that can happen, especially after that much time.

Generally, I see people on threads here talking about diving into marriages or home sharing with people I think they should get to know better first. But there is also such a thing as having a courtship go on too long. Then, I get the feeling that one of the parties is getting their time wasted. Can you talk a little about what occurred over the course of the seven years. Had the two of you moved in together at some point? When did getting engaged happen? Seeing the timeline of events might shed light on this whole situation.

What your ex-fiancee is telling you all sounds kind of vague. Maybe she really is going through a period of confusion in her own life, or maybe she has been less than candid with you. In any case, it does sound like she is bailing and not coming back. Ill try to look at your other threads to learn a bit about what you've been through.

This is a painful time for you, no doubt. I don't know that "friendship" with her is going to be much comfort to you anytime soon. Do you thing she might have gotten involved with someone else?

There's an explanation behind this, I believe, and IMHO it's probably not as vague as she is making it sound. It does sound like she may have a capacity for cruelty that you didn't expect. It seems you may have never really known her.

We had been living together 6 of 7 of the years we we're together and engaged 6 of those 7 years.. We had a very good relationship in general, had fun together, got along good, never did fight, but also communication was not one of her strong points, if something needed discussed, she immediately shut down the conversation because she said she was not going to "fight" about it or argue, and it was just simple conversation .

I honestly don't feel she was seeing someone else, I'm just having a hard time like I said trying to figure out how you can be with someone that long then they can treat you like a stranger, and be so angry, and cold, and distant?

[Bill3]

trying to figure out how you can be with someone that long then they can treat you like a stranger, and be so angry, and cold, and distant?

What if you ask her what she is angry, cold, and distant about?

[xraychick01]

I know just how you are feeling. Mine acted the same way. I haven't had any contact whatsoever with him for 2 weeks. I don't understand it either. It sucks and it's hard and I have so many questions that at times it drives me absolutely crazy.

My ex's way of solving problems in his life is to run away. Never face them or deal with them or try to find a solution. He runs away leaving a trail of destruction in his path.

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What if you ask her what she is angry, cold, and distant about?

Yeah, tried that. She just gets more angry and denies she is being angy, cold, and distant, and becomes more withdrawn.

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by xraychick01

I know just how you are feeling. Mine acted the same way. I haven't had any contact whatsoever with him for 2 weeks. I don't understand it either. It sucks and it's hard and I have so many questions that at times it drives me absolutely crazy.

My ex's way of solving problems in his life is to run away. Never face them or deal with them or try to find a solution. He runs away leaving a trail of destruction in his path.

Sounds exactly how my ex deals with things.. I am so sorry you are dealing with this hurt too, and all these questions. I know it's really hard.

[Bill3]

She just gets more angry and denies she is being angy, cold, and distant, and becomes more withdrawn.

Perhaps it is time then to end contact with her. Sometimes we just cannot get answers and we have to go on with out them.

[Rose76]

From your other threads, it looks to me like the ending of this relationship left you high and dry for even something as basic as a place to live. An engagement going on for 6 years is a sign to me of someone not really wanting to commit to the relationship. If it was her who just wanted to be perpetually engaged, but perpetually avoiding marriage, then that was your major sign there of something profoundly wrong.

I happen to think that it is awfully wrong to keep stringing someone along, while you keep one foot poised to leave. I'm guessing that was her stance. You sound like you were all in for a permanent committment.

Did the two of you ever discuss marriage? Not that I believe that's a must. I am with my guy 32 years, and we've never married. But we've never called it an engagement, either.

So where you were living was more her place than your place? See, that right there tells me this was a very unfair arrangement.

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by Rose76

From your other threads, it looks to me like the ending of this relationship left you high and dry for even something as basic as a place to live. An engagement going on for 6 years is a sign to me of someone not really wanting to commit to the relationship. If it was her who just wanted to be perpetually engaged, but perpetually avoiding marriage, then that was your major sign there of something profoundly wrong.

I happen to think that it is awfully wrong to keep stringing someone along, while you keep one foot poised to leave. I'm guessing that was her stance. You sound like you were all in for a permanent committment.

Did the two of you ever discuss marriage? Not that I believe that's a must. I am with my guy 32 years, and we've never married. But we've never called it an engagement, either.

So where you were living was more her place than your place? See, that right there tells me this was a very unfair arrangement.

We actually did discuss marriage, as I said we were engaged, I had proposed she had the engagement ring and all, we had just not been financially able to have the wedding and everything that she wanted. Earlier this year we had talked about purchasing a house moving closer to a new job she has gotten, and finally getting married, had even started looking at some houses, things were starting to come together... then she suddenly drops this on me...

The house we were living in was owned by her parents and we were renting it from them, so they had talked about selling it and then we were going to buy a house like I said closer to her new job...but when she dropped this on me I wasn't given any options, other then move out, not even move into an extra room, because she said we would be nothing but angry and bitter, and she said we both knew it, but I know I could have been ok with it, because I wouldn't have had any other option, and for the sake of the situation that's just how I am. But also I havent been angry and bitter towards her during this whole thing which I guess I have a right to be but havent.

[LeeeLeee]

I'm so sorry, I know this hurts you. It sounds like she's been thinking about this for awhile. You can't argue your way back into someone's heart.

You deserve to be with someone who meets you at that commitment level of mutual respect, understanding, harmony, friendship.

I recommend the following books:

Getting Past Your Break Up by Susan Elliott. She also has a Youtube Channel. She encourages everyone to look within, take personal inventory of their relationships and their life while dealing with the grief from the loss of the relationship.

https://www.youtube.com/user/GettingPastYourPast/videos

Another thing I recommend is reviewing the articles on GRIEF here on Psych Central. You may or may not realize it but you are grieving an intense loss, and even though your ex fiance didn't die.. it's a loss and you're unexpectedly having to deal with it.

Hang in there. Move out and begin NO CONTACT.. Trust me, you will feel so much better if you just give the "friendship" she wants a break.

Keep sharing on the forums!

Best of luck,
Lele

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by LeeeLeee

I'm so sorry, I know this hurts you. It sounds like she's been thinking about this for awhile. You can't argue your way back into someone's heart.

You deserve to be with someone who meets you at that commitment level of mutual respect, understanding, harmony, friendship.

I recommend the following books:

Getting Past Your Break Up by Susan Elliott. She also has a Youtube Channel. She encourages everyone to look within, take personal inventory of their relationships and their life while dealing with the grief from the loss of the relationship.

https://www.youtube.com/user/GettingPastYourPast/videos

Another thing I recommend is reviewing the articles on GRIEF here on Psych Central. You may or may not realize it but you are grieving an intense loss, and even though your ex fiance didn't die.. it's a loss and you're unexpectedly having to deal with it.

Hang in there. Move out and begin NO CONTACT.. Trust me, you will feel so much better if you just give the "friendship" she wants a break.

Keep sharing on the forums!

Best of luck,
Lele

Thank you... believe me I understand I can't argue my way back in, by no means is that what I am trying to do, I don't still live there, I moved 900 miles away in with my parents because she gave me no other option, or choice, the choice was made for me, when she told me she wanted me to leave...and I had to move somewhere I didnt want to move, to a town I didnt want to move to, that I hate, In with my parents which I didnt want to do, where I am miserable, but dont have a choice, because I am on disablilty and cant afford a place of my own and cant find a place I can afford at this time living in a very small town with nothing to do....or anywhere to go, So you sit and watch tv or browse the internet, so its really hard to keep your mind off it and move forward...

[LeeeLeee]

Hi,

Well, hang in there. Please let me know if you listened to Susan Elliott. Here is another video I'd like you to watch because it can offer you some immediate guidance.

Alan Robarge - Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup

Please feel free to private message me if you'd like more resources or to talk about this stuff more in depth.

You are going to be okay. I know it seems impossible, and it seems like you're in so deep but YOU WILL feel better soon. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and get through the fire.

We are here for you.

Sincerely,
Lele

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by LeeeLeee

Hi,

Well, hang in there. Please let me know if you listened to Susan Elliott. Here is another video I'd like you to watch because it can offer you some immediate guidance.

Alan Robarge - Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup

Please feel free to private message me if you'd like more resources or to talk about this stuff more in depth.

You are going to be okay. I know it seems impossible, and it seems like you're in so deep but YOU WILL feel better soon. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and get through the fire.

We are here for you.

Sincerely,
Lele

Yes, I listened to Susan Elliott, and I actually purchased her book on Kindle version from Amazon, it's really quite informative. I think I am going to get a lot out of it, and it will be very helpful getting me through this.

Thank you for the information.

[xRavenx]

So sorry about all you're going through. It must have been a shock (and a traumatic one) to find out she has not been happy. She obviously has difficulties communicating her feelings since she showed you one side, but finally she let the truth out that she can no longer mask her feelings that she felt you two grew apart. Maybe she was afraid to communicate her feelings to you when she first started having doubts in the relationship.

Just because she feels this way does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Some people just grow a part. With time, maybe it will be clearer to you that you two were not right for each other. Something better suited for you is out there, but it takes a lot of time to come to terms with the end of a relationship....especially a long-term one.

I had a broken engagement where I was with the person for eight years where my ex-fiance went cold on me out of the blue. With time and healing, I was able to see that things were not as good as they seemed, and communication was an issue as well as simply outgrowing the relationship. Either way, it hurts though. Give yourself time to heal. Try to stay busy, continue to turn to people for support, consider therapy or reading/using a form of self-help to better cope and come to terms with the end. I agree with No Contact......this is what I did at the end of my relationship, and it helped me finally focus on myself.

Contact with her is like rubbing salt in the wound at this point in time. With time, my ex fiance and I finally got to the point of talking as friends here and there without it causing so much raw pain. With time, you'll reach acceptance and realization that there is something out there for you that will bring you a lot more happiness. Best wishes.