[brainy]

I like him...a lot! And I think he likes me too. The problem though, the real problem is his mother. I met her, and at first i liked her yet felt there was something a little off.
I began noticing how she talks to him, very negative. It's always negative! Never anything positive. She puts him down, and the next I know he looks soo depressed. And so of course with my bipolar I know how he's feeling.
He told me at one time that he's looking for a wife. In conversation with his mother, before realizing how negative she really is, I mentioneqd that to her and it was then I found out, through her, that he's twice divorced. But my feeling is "so what"? Then just yesterday her and I were on the phone and she opened up with how she told him to forget getting married, that "you already had two wives and you messed that up, you wouldn't be able to deal with a wife getting on you with picking up behind yourself, etc, just live your life, etc." One time as he was leaving, she ran behind him, saying "do something with that house." And what did he do? I saw him just hang his head, and continue to walk on. She takes the conversation away from him in that one day he and I were talking and she butts in and interrupts, having all attention on her. He got up and left, and while doing so hung his head.
She knows I'm planning, at least try to, relocate to their state, and learn how to drive. He's very happy about that. But momma is now trying to dissuade me, one stupid reason being that "you may not be able to deal with the darkness down here" and as for the driving, "people down here drive crazy." It makes me wonder if she really understands that I'm a New Yorker!
I want so much to help him. I went online and found out that the only way to help someone with a controlling, negative mother like that is to be there for the person and continue loving them. I believe that. Yet now I'm beginning to wonder if that's really enough? Will he actually allow me to? Or he is so damaged by her that he won't accept my love? She told me that after their conversation, he told her "mom, i don't know what I'll do without you."
And by the way, he's not a teenager, or a 30 something. He's 76! I really care about him.
My therapist, who doesn't know, yet, of this new development, seems to feel that it's just in me to get involved with people like this. I don't know.

[Skeezyks]

Hello brainy: Well... I don't know... I'm 68... & from my perspective... someone who is 76 pretty-much is the person he's going to be... (as is his mother.) You can't change any of this. So, from my perspective, it's simply a matter of deciding if this mother / son dynamic is something you can live with. If not, my suggestion is... move on...

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[s4ndm4n2006]

he is the only one that can help himself. If he is this influenced by his own mother's comments and opinions still it's very unlikely that this will change. When you mentioned he had 2 divorces, well I figured ok he's not a kid but 76?! Unless you can somehow make him see the light and realize he's being controlled and doesn't need to be in that situation, he won't. The likelihood of you being able to bring that to his attention and have him act on it is very improbable.

as skeezyks said, you'll have to decide whether the dynamic is one you can deal with.

[healingme4me]

My gram gave me a few words of advice years and years ago. 1)don't live with your mother inlaw. 2)beware of the mother that is too intrusive into her son's life.3) pay attention to how he treats his mother.

Other than that, you'll be fine.

And I still swear, that's some sage advice she gave me.

Welcome to PC


"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[Crazy Hitch]

At the end of the day, what does your bf want?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I can relate unfortunately. My bf is an only child and his mother is very overbearing and always yelling at him to do this or that with something. He just ignores her and leaves. She's so bad they don't even share holidays together. And when it comes to her and I?! Oh boy. I'm BP too and she's a bad trigger for me. We aren't even on speaking terms and from what I hear, she's never liked any of his gf's and he's 37. So he's had a few gfs over I must say. I would just be there for him and lift his spirits when she treats him like this. You saying anything to her probably won't help. Just let him know he's loved.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[~Christina]

If he's 76 ...... His mother must be pretty verbal and able to keep track of what he's doing.

Are you able to spend time with him face to face with out his mom around ?

It's a damn shame that a man of 76 is being treated lousy by I would assume an unhappy parent..

Good luck

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[brainy]

We live in two different states.
She whines. For instance, I sent her one of those thinking of you cards. When it finally arrived, she called to let me know. She then wanted to talk to me about something I had said. She wanted me to tell her that I Indeed said something to her. I adamantly refused because it had something to do with him, we talked about it, and both agreed that it won't be talked about again. So with that in mind, with her I kept my mouth shut.
She then began her tactics on me with some being "how could you hurt me like that, I'm not mad with you, this is my son, only God knows, we are women and should talk, etc, etc, etc." I held on one reason being what he said about it not being discussed anymore, which strengthened me because I wanted to support him.
Finally she said, actually kept weaving this in and out, "we'll I guess I'll have to come to my own conclusions" to that I said "you'll have to think whatever you want to think."
Finally she said, abruptly because I think his daughter and grandkids began arriving, "I'll call you" and hung up.
I really believe that I, although certainly not the first, but she realized that I wasn't going to give in to her manipulation. I heard frustration in her voice and I didn't care.
This is evidently one of her tactics to make him do her bidding, especially the why you wanna hurt me words. , Although having weaknesses of my own, I absolutely loathe, abhor control over people.
Yes, she's a very unhappy person. But that's too bad because I am definitely not one you can even try to control, sometimes even getting outright angry when I see what you're up to.

[divine1966]

First of all if he has been twice divorced why are you finding it out from his mother and not him?

She must be close to a 100 years old if he is 76. Just saying

How old are you that you need to learn how to drive? No judgement here. Some people don't drive ( my daughter doesn't). It's still kind of unusual. Are you much younger

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[brainy]

She's 92, had him at 16. I'm 69.

[brainy]

We talked last night (I called). First i noticed something. Once he realized it was me, he hesitated. Then it turned into an unbelievable polite conversation (i'm having this feeling i spoke about this before, but oh well). He asked me questions about myself, non invading type questions i had no problem with realky, just part of the conversation. Wait, Im going ahead of myself.
First, he said his daughter and grandchildren were in town, they all went to a restaurant, had a good time. Good.
He turned his attention to her...the mother from hell. And like I really wanted to hear about her, he began telling me a glorious story about how happy momma was spending time at the restaurant with her family. The witch! She probably was trying to figure a way to spite their soft drinks without, of course, them knowing it. I wouldn't put it pass her! He's telling me how tired she is/was but like it was a good tired.
We talked some more. But i was getting a little, i dont know, something, so i made up some crap about i gotta go because of having to go to the store. Then he, unbelievable said, in his i guess best imitating voice of whatever, dryly polite like a business man. No wait. Surely y'all had a store person say to you in that phony caring voice "Thank you for coming"? Sure you have.
Well, that's exactly how he said it to me when he said "Thank you for calling." Are you kidding me or what?!
A woman friend feels I need to be understanding because of momma since she obviously has him in her unbelievably sticky web. She feels i need to give him some slack. Really? Right. That because of the situation between him and controlling, narcissistic, manipulative momma, that I need to let him, via my actions, that he is a man, and encourage him to stand up for himself.
Look. First, when I met him i wasn't looking for no foolhardly man (manchild?). Secondly, if I was looking and "wishing and hoping" i certainly wouldn't be looking for a manchild.
Don't get me wrong now. He's very nice, sexy as hell, and pleasing to the eyes. But i want more than a statue. I want more than nice words. I want a relationship doggone it! Oh i know, as in aware of, that things take time. My friend feels that I should text him, as in send him textS. This will make, help, encourage, whatever...him to be more than he could be (and that's putting it mildly). She says when i do so, to put in a little flirt likeva wink eye emoti or whatever those things are called. This, she feels, will draw him to me, and help him to see that he is worth something after all, especially in view of him being around the witch.
But in the meantime, while I'm doing all this work, what about me? Is that being selfish? Basically, perhaps without my friend realizing it (god bless her soul), it'll all amount to chasing!!!! And lord help my soul! Because child let me tell you, i don't care how much I may bleed for any man...I AINT CHASING NO FOOL MAN!!!! i don't care how much i like, love, care or whatever about him I AIN'T CHASING NO MAN!!!! I would so much as let my heart bleed than belittle myself like that. For while im not bragging, let me tell you...i never had to run after no man, and i sure as hell aint gonna start now!!!
I like my friend. I really do. But this time the girl done blew a fuse or something with that one.
Nope. Aint gonna do it. Don't y'all get me wrong now. I like this man. I really, really, really, really, REALLY do. But guess what? I sure loves me some of me!!!!
Sooo, i guess I'll just have to cry myself to sleep over him and what coulda been. But there's something about tears that perhaps no one thought about. And what's that you ask? This:
Tears have this unique ability to dry up. YOU don't have to do the drying all the time. They just do it on their own. It's called life goes on.

[~Christina]

He's old enough for goodness sake, if he wants to be with you he will. It won't matter what his 90 something age mother is going to stop him.

Would coulda shoulda life is short don't waste time on someone who isn't serious about you .

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[divine1966]

Honestly it doesn't sound that the issue is his mom. The guy just isn't interested. Or isn't interested seriously enough to pursue you. No I don't think you should text him and try to entice him. If he isn't interested there isn't much you can do. I understand you want a relationship but it takes two.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[brainy]

Oh honey, trust me. While I FULLY understand your stand, and I do..you don't know that woman! Oh and I absolutely believe, with ALL my heart that if a man wants you, he wants you. Period.
She actually told me, said to me, bragging, that she said to him how he doesn't need a wife, "you already had two, and YOU messed that up." A quessy feeling came over me, a feeling that lets you know something's up. And that something, from hearing this crazy woman, that, although yes, he indeed but of course had a big input in the demise of his marriage...SHE definitely had something to do with it!
Then, still bragging, she says, "and you know what he said to me? He said "momma I don't know what I'll do without you." "
Ahhh, so what is she trying to get me to swallow? Her rubbish?
Yes, yes, yes!
I'm still waiting for him to tell me about his prostate cancer and his having to sleep with a mask. Is that really true I'm wondering? I can't bring it up because it didn't come from him. So I'm trying to figure a way to ask about such a very sensitive subject. My father has it. When I want to ask my dad how he's coming along with it, doctor visits, etc, i just come right with it by a simple "so daddy, what's going on with your prostate cancer? Are you still seeing the doctor"? Etc.
But with this guy, how can I? Should I even? And why in the world would his mother tell me something like that about her grown son, and we're not even engaged for cryin' out loud!? I know I wouldn't tell any woman about my sons like that, feeling really, it's none of their business! I think it would be my sons' business to share. Momma even told me about the treatments, and the extent of those treatments. What am I supposed to do with that piece of information?
You know what I think? I think that by sharing such sensitive information, she's hoping that I wouldn't be interested anymore? Yeah? But are you kidding me? For if and when you really care about someone, REALLY care, you accept the whole package.
I know of someone, a man, who came down with Lou Garretts disease. He met someone, they fell in love. He wanted to marry her, but before he proposed, he told her of his ailment and what to expect. She loved him!!! So they married. He's really sick. But she loves him. That's all that mattered to her.

[divine1966]

Prostate cancer at 76 isn't that unusual. Sleeping with a mask probably means he has to sleep with oxygen mask due to something like sleep apnea. It's nothing really. Not a big deal. Not like he is 20. It's wrong of his mother to inform you but at 90, I'd say as smart as she sounds her sense of boundaries might be off. As people age they often put foot in their mouth.

Overall what does he tell you about all that? What does he suggest? How often does he call? When are you two meeting again? I would just worry about how he is pursuing communication with you. Don't worry about the mother

[brainy]

I'm done!!! Completely done!! I found out last night, after all this time the idiot wasn't real. Yes I'm hurt, you better believe it! How could I not be? I was played! A girlfriend is trying to get me to give him another chance and I'm like hell no!!! Am i angry? Well what do you think? He's a player. An old ***, can hardly get it up wanna be lover. I called him last night to talk and the old fart refused my call. Oh so now you think you can play me, and hide? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! Im not one of those women who men hurt and expect the woman will shrivel up, hide and die. NOT ME!

[brainy]

It's on now!!! Most definitely! You met your match fool!

[divine1966]

He frankly didn't seem that interested just from reading your posts but what do you mean he isn't real? Haven't you met?

[brainy]

What is mean is, yes of course we've met and have seen each other on numerous occasions, he's a phony fool!

[divine1966]

Sorry �� You are better off

[brainy]

I certainly don't like I'm better off. And even if he had told me how he felt all this time I still wouldn't have liked it, it would still, somehow, been better. But nooo, he took the coward way out by avoiding me. Finally, just to make sure I called him this morning by using a disguise. He answered the phone! Then I called again using my cell...he did not answer. We all have caller ID, and he does.

[brainy]

He just called a few minutes ago because I gave in and texted him. But I'm angry because of what's going on, so I didn't answer. He kept calling and calling, I refused to answer. Finally he texted me, asking why am I not answering, that if I'm not going to answer then "DONT CALL!!!" So I said to myself "Fine I won't." After that he begins explaining why he didn't acknowledge my call last night ("I was busy, etc.") But then after that he turns around and calls again, left a message with an insult "what's wrong? Are you going through one of your moods again? Did you forget to take your medication? Time is too valuable for silly things, etc!"
So now it's his turn I guess to feel slighted, ignored, dismissed, avoided, whatever? What about me? Why do men feel it's okay to treat women like rubbish, but when the dirt is thrown back at them (though not intentionally), they get all indignant? I don't get it.
Basically asking if I'm going through my moods, making mention of my medication he's playing down my emotions as if they're nothing, I am nothing.
Yes, on my voicemail, he did mention he got my call/voicemail last night, but explained why he didn't/couldn't answer it (some crap about being busy). I guess, what, that was supposed to make me leap for joy? Well it didn't because I felt it was bogus. What about the other times?
And I feel that when a man uses a woman's bodily functions or illnesses against her he's not admitting and acknowledging that her feelings are real, very real. So for him to say to me "what's wrong? Are you going through one of your moods? Did you forget to take your medication today"? that's low, real low.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by brainy

We talked last night (I called). First i noticed something. Once he realized it was me, he hesitated. Then it turned into an unbelievable polite conversation (i'm having this feeling i spoke about this before, but oh well). He asked me questions about myself, non invading type questions i had no problem with realky, just part of the conversation. Wait, Im going ahead of myself.
First, he said his daughter and grandchildren were in town, they all went to a restaurant, had a good time. Good.
He turned his attention to her...the mother from hell. And like I really wanted to hear about her, he began telling me a glorious story about how happy momma was spending time at the restaurant with her family. The witch! She probably was trying to figure a way to spite their soft drinks without, of course, them knowing it. I wouldn't put it pass her! He's telling me how tired she is/was but like it was a good tired.
We talked some more. But i was getting a little, i dont know, something, so i made up some crap about i gotta go because of having to go to the store. Then he, unbelievable said, in his i guess best imitating voice of whatever, dryly polite like a business man. No wait. Surely y'all had a store person say to you in that phony caring voice "Thank you for coming"? Sure you have.
Well, that's exactly how he said it to me when he said "Thank you for calling." Are you kidding me or what?!
A woman friend feels I need to be understanding because of momma since she obviously has him in her unbelievably sticky web. She feels i need to give him some slack. Really? Right. That because of the situation between him and controlling, narcissistic, manipulative momma, that I need to let him, via my actions, that he is a man, and encourage him to stand up for himself.
Look. First, when I met him i wasn't looking for no foolhardly man (manchild?). Secondly, if I was looking and "wishing and hoping" i certainly wouldn't be looking for a manchild.
Don't get me wrong now. He's very nice, sexy as hell, and pleasing to the eyes. But i want more than a statue. I want more than nice words. I want a relationship doggone it! Oh i know, as in aware of, that things take time. My friend feels that I should text him, as in send him textS. This will make, help, encourage, whatever...him to be more than he could be (and that's putting it mildly). She says when i do so, to put in a little flirt likeva wink eye emoti or whatever those things are called. This, she feels, will draw him to me, and help him to see that he is worth something after all, especially in view of him being around the witch.
But in the meantime, while I'm doing all this work, what about me? Is that being selfish? Basically, perhaps without my friend realizing it (god bless her soul), it'll all amount to chasing!!!! And lord help my soul! Because child let me tell you, i don't care how much I may bleed for any man...I AINT CHASING NO FOOL MAN!!!! i don't care how much i like, love, care or whatever about him I AIN'T CHASING NO MAN!!!! I would so much as let my heart bleed than belittle myself like that. For while im not bragging, let me tell you...i never had to run after no man, and i sure as hell aint gonna start now!!!
I like my friend. I really do. But this time the girl done blew a fuse or something with that one.
Nope. Aint gonna do it. Don't y'all get me wrong now. I like this man. I really, really, really, really, REALLY do. But guess what? I sure loves me some of me!!!!
Sooo, i guess I'll just have to cry myself to sleep over him and what coulda been. But there's something about tears that perhaps no one thought about. And what's that you ask? This:
Tears have this unique ability to dry up. YOU don't have to do the drying all the time. They just do it on their own. It's called life goes on.

Didn't you actually meet him?? Or did I read the above post wrong ?

Oh was responding while you replied to Divine.

[divine1966]

I think it's all too much drama. Too high school. The guy is either interested or he isn't. I'd stop pursuing him. You gave it a try. He doesn't appear to initiate anything. I'd move on

[brainy]

I can't. Why? Because I'm feeling that some or most of the turmoil isn't all him, it's me. Not me as in blaming or pointing the finger at just me, as if he has no part in this, but as in recognizing my part too.
For instance, yes he needs to step up, but I need to stop being so angry, getting in a rage sorta when he don't. This is not excusing him in no way, just recognizing my part.
For instance, on the voicemail he sent yesterday he explained why he didn't pick up the phone when I called the night before. A simple thing right. Something that another woman, a normal woman might have felt good about. But me? While at first I did glow inside, I immediately felt he was lying. But why? I mean, was he lying? Perhaps. Yet, what I should have done was just simply accept his explanation and go on from there. But nooo, I got very suspicious and angry. Of course he doesn't know that and never will. Yet the mere fact that he at least attempted to explain shoulda calmed my butt down.
I don't know what's going to happen, if anything. I do know that I'm a complete mess, or as a girlfriend says "you're a hot mess." Lol.