Decision about marriage, would appreciate any insight

Hi, and thanks for reading this!

I am supposed to be getting married in 2 months, and I just don't know if it's the right thing for us to do.

He really wants to get married, and has for a few months, but I feel like it's mostly because his family wants him to.

We've been together for a year now, and he is a really lovely and loyal person, and I love him for that. But he is always talking about wanting to move, and I have a business that is growing where we live now. I would lose everything if we just up and moved, just because he thinks it might be better somewhere else!

I get the feeling that he really doesn't know what he wants to be doing (except for getting married. That seems to be an absolute must). I mean, I understand wanting to be growing as a person and all that, but he just seems to have half cocked ideas about stuff. He doesn't know if he wants kids, but if we do have them, they have to be raised in a religious setting (I'm completely not religious, and he knows this). I don't want to have kids unless he gets a really good job (we both do freelance work right now, which works fine as long as there is no one that needs support).

He also has this idea that if we move to Europe, that everything would magically be better. Call me crazy, but I would only ever want to make a big move like that if one of us actually had a really good job lined up over there!

It just seems to me like we should have some of this stuff worked out before we tie the knot, so to speak. Otherwise, it seems like there would be trouble down the road.

What do you think? Am I just trying to avoid commitment (this is what he thinks), or are these valid points that should be worked out before marriage? I would really like to hear your take on it. I just feel so conflicted!

I wish I could paint myself to be someone with expert advice that doesn't conflict with what happened to me....But I can't.

What you should do: Talk, wait, iron out your differences.

What I did: Jumped in at a very young age with no thought for the future.


(I'm sorry. You WILL get good advice here, though...hang in there)

Thank you Sophiesmom.

I definitely agree with you that we should be talking and figuring it out. There's just so much pressure coming from him though, and I just can't figure out why, other than him not wanting to disappoint his family.

I'm not that young (in my mid 30's!), but it definitely feels like it would be better to wait!

Thanks again for your insight!

I think your gut is telling you to wait and you should follow it. You are right to be concerned....he sounds very "spontaneous". That could be wonderful or it could be horrible. I think you should follow your heart and get to know him better.

Thank you Elsa. You know, it's kind of funny, he does sound spontaneous, but he doesn't have a history of being so! he's just kind of done what other people wanted. I think he really wants to be spontaneous, but he doesn't think it's "right".

Thanks for your help!

Listen to your intuition. Don't deny your feelings. You have a choice!!

Those topics are definitely things that need to be ironed out before marriage.


It's not light stuff that you can just stumble and bumble your way through.


It's make or break topics, so best you two start talking, reach an agreement or compromise within two months, or postpone the wedding until it has been figured out.


You don't seem to be avoiding commitment, on the contrary, you seem like you want to be absolutely sure you're taking the right steps to make the commitment last.

When it comes to views about children, that's a deal breaker for me. If you are not at all religious, why do you want to raise your children very religious? Not good.

Why is his family giving him so much pressure?

I'd say you are definitely not ready to get married in two months. You sound like a mature, reasonable person. He doesn't sound right for you. Don't let someone pressure you into marriage.

Another vote for listening to your intuition!

It's interesting that he has 'always done what other people wanted,' but he seems unwilling to compromise with you over when you get married. Can he articulate what the rush is?

Hello,

If you need help expressing exactly how you feel to him about really anything, then this in itself is a good reason to be cautious about marriage to him.

Many happy marriages start with some professional pre-marriage counseling to in the small picture work out specifics that you have identified that are on the table right now and also to help develop good communication practices between partners for future potential issues.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

moogs

The main theme here is pressure: he insists on things and actually criticizes you if you hesitate, see things differently, or want to think things over/discuss them.

Whatever the source of his ideas may be, is this how you want to spend your life: being pressured to conform to them?

I wouldn't get married, family pressure or not, until I have my concerns addressed and understood.

Before I got married this last time, we addressed health issues, work issues, child rearing (we didn't want any more children so it was just my daughter), and other things like that. Things changed quite a bit since then but we still communicate on what is bothering us. That's important.

It sound like he believes leaving a situation will make his life better; that's not how life always works. Life is work and you can throw in the towel and leave something if it takes effort and doesn't work out right away.

Your feelings of apprehension are telling you something. Wait. Better to wait now, and marry later, than divorce in a couple of years. You shouldn't have to give up everything to marry. A spouse should be an addition to your life, not a factor that subtracts from it.

Good luck!

Thank you Moogs, hvert, Tishabuv, Susanemily, Bill, Fharriage and Trippin for your replies, and validation. It's good to know that it seems like I'm not just avoiding commitment, and that I am doing my best to make a mature decision.

There are 2 sides to every story like this, and I'm sure if he was to tell what was going on from his point of view, it would sound like a different relationship altogether. Communication is definitely tough (for most of us), and I think seeing a counselor together could help, and I've asked him to find one. He did, one that is a 3 hour drive away. It just seems that he wants to do things in the least practical way possible.

And yes Bill, I agree, there is a lot of pressure. In my experience, that is how a lot of relationships are.

I guess I'm just feeling like maybe it's now or never. I'm mid 30's, I've dated a lot, had a few serious relationships. Maybe this is as good as it gets?

I'll keep you all posted here. Thanks again for all of your insight and comments. They are so so much appreciated!

Are you speaking of your own relationships? If so, one option would be to use individual counseling to figure out why you tend to end up in relationships in which you experience this type of pressure.

What you describe is not as good as it can get.

Don't settle.

You seem to be having quite the dilemma here.

I think that if you are having even the slightest doubts about it, that it doesn't need to be happening. I have no say in your life, but that's just my thoughts on the matter. I think that you have a lot to be thinking about and I don't know if this dude is necessarily right for you. When in doubt, BACK OUT! Believe me.

Thank you Bill, that is comforting to know!

I went to individual counseling for several years. We talked of many things, but I don't think we talked about pressure in relationships.

This is off topic here, but I've had a hard time finding a therapist who I feel comfortable with. The one I saw for 2 years was wonderful, and I fully credit him for me being as stable as I am now. He ended up retiring though, and I've been to 3 other therapists since then.

One told me I should become religious to feel fulfilled. Another said that I would never find meaning in life unless I married a wealthy man and had his children. The last one told me I was doing just fine, when he wasn't busy telling me about the skiing trips he was taking with his son who was a Harvard law student.

I swear to god I'm not making this up. If I could find a good therapist, I would be there in a heartbeat!! Till then though, I'm really thankful I found these forums. I hope I can help others here who are going through hard times like you all are helping me!

Thank you SvanThor. I definitely have the same gut reaction to this that you do. I have many doubts about many things in life though, so if I backed out of them all, I'm not sure I would ever move forward!

I don't know if this dude is right for me either. I'm definitely putting the breaks on, and he's definitely not happy about it. That's ok though. It seems to me that it's better to be a bit unhappy while trying to figure it out now, rather than desperately miserable and painfully trapped later on. Thanks for your support on this. I really appreciate it!

I also had a whole series of therapists who said such stupid things! My h and i just started counseling together with a CBT we really like.

I had several boy friends before marrying and none of those relationships had pressure. The reason they ended were because either I broke up, deciding I didn't want to marry them or they broke up with me for reasons I don't even know (they were players?).

My marriage developed an intimacy issue, otherwise it's a really good relationship.
Geez, did I really just say that? I nearly killed myself a dozen times over this man and this problem! Don't mean to hijack the thread, but wow.

So you are attracting pressure. Thinking about why is a good starting point.

I'm glad you are putting on the brakes. You may see his true colors come out now that you are doing that and putting off the wedding. Don't let him bully you. It may get ugly.

And don't go to a t 3 hours away. That's pointless. Find one closer.

This is so discouraging. I've talked with him about it, but we get nowhere. Is this how most communication is?

Uhmm no, that sounds like shytti communication. Good communication is never pointless.

As a Salesman for a small family business, I find his disregard for the birth and growth of your own business to be a red flag. It's damn hard to make money in America at your own business, and if you are making progress on your own, his impulse to leave behind all that you have worked for to pursue nothing in particular in Europe is disrespectful.

Hi Lefty

Thanks for saying that. I think he's just clueless about some of the practical parts of life, like how hard you have to work to make decent money. He used to like to tell me that I worked too much, and I finally said "one of us has to make some money". Of course that wasn't nice, and it upset him, but really, sometimes you can only take so much of that.

We've finally started a real conversation about some of this stuff...over email. Somehow that seems to be a red flag as well...

Is it that your biological clock is motivating you to marry someone less than ideal just to try to have babies? If so, I might even look into artificial insemination before hitching my wagon to a problem. You will have to deal with this man for the rest of your life when he is the father of your children.

I haven't read through all the replies yet so if any of this was already said, I'm sorry for getting here late.

here's what I see

1. A year is way too soon to know if this person is the one you want to be with the rest of your life, but I'm guessing you are thinking this or know this too.

2. His attitude on moving, regardless of whether half cocked or well thought out, it is clear he is not considering YOU in this which is really a bad start for a marriage. If, on top of that he seems to not know where he is going in life, that's just icing on the cake there. With regards to him not considering you and your values and thoughts, he has also made this clear in his ultimatum about kids. Kids are big subject and their upbringing has to be in agreement not choice by one parent. Unless you agree with him on how to raise them at that point, I don't think having children would be fair to them.

3. your thoughts on your fiancé, are clear in how you talk about him. he does not in my mind seem to be someone you're sure of spending your life with at all, there are too many warning flags. You state that he has misconceptions, his ideas are half cocked, and not realistic and these are not about things that are small but life changing choices. Marrying someone that clearly has differing ideas, values and plans is just asking for a life of pain.

A lot of things need to be worked out here and you're very mature in thinking that you should consider them. He may end up not even being someone that you want to spend your life with and at this point I don't think you can know either way for sure.