[Brasucasulu]

I have been in the relationship for a few years now. It was the most difficult one ever. We decided to try and make things work, but it is much more difficult than what I've imagined.
And one big challenge for me it is to deal with my BF's father. He's a strange man.
To be honest he never teated me bad, but he does weird things, and they drive me crazy:

He is very racist. He has no repeat for black people and keeps calling names like "monkey" and "baboon". Considering the fact that half of my family is black, I feel sick and can't say nothing or my BF will get very upset.
He's very spoiled and feels like his wife has to do everything to make him happy and comfortable. He doesn't offer her any help. She's like his maid.
He is obsessed in using my bathroom. When they come to our place, we give them the suite with the master bathroom to make them more comfortable. There are two other bathroom, one that I always use and the other one my BF uses when they're there. His dad know it, but he always goes to mine. I also caught him going through my things (make-up box, etc.). It makes me so mad because he leaves drops of pee and everything wet for me to clean it.
My BF has the same pattern of behavior as his dad, but yet not so bad. I'm afraid it is just question of time, and he will become the same.
I'm seriously thinking of braking up before it is too late. I'm so sad

[Yours_Truly]

I'm so sorry that beliefs such as your bf's father has still exist.
May I ask why you tolerate his parents visiting? I think I would have to put my foot down with my bf and tell him 'no more.'
It sounds to me like the father's snooping in your bathroom and personal items is because he is intrigued by you.
As far as your bf's behavior resembling his father's, I would find it unacceptable as well and would tell him so and if he didn't change his ways I would be ought of there.
I'm so sorry you have to face this. I hope you have the courage to stick up for your dignity.

[Summerhex]

If there's some reason they have to visit perhaps you can lock down your bathroom and just use your boyfriends while they're there.

You say he has some of the behavioral traits as his dad. When you talk about them does he try to change or at least acknowledge his actions?

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by Summerhex

If there's some reason they have to visit perhaps you can lock down your bathroom and just use your boyfriends while they're there.

You say he has some of the behavioral traits as his dad. When you talk about them does he try to change or at least acknowledge his actions?

I can try to lock the bathroom door, but I will have to put a lock or something. I told my BF about it but he thinks I'm overreacting. I don't think I am, because there is nithjg worse than having someone using your bathroom and leaving it dirty.
I have confronted my BF on the racism and sexism, he denies it. He even got upset

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by Yours_Truly

I'm so sorry that beliefs such as your bf's father has still exist.
May I ask why you tolerate his parents visiting? I think I would have to put my foot down with my bf and tell him 'no more.'
It sounds to me like the father's snooping in your bathroom and personal items is because he is intrigued by you.
As far as your bf's behavior resembling his father's, I would find it unacceptable as well and would tell him so and if he didn't change his ways I would be ought of there.
I'm so sorry you have to face this. I hope you have the courage to stick up for your dignity.

Thank you Truly. It is like an everyday fight. Always problems and drama with them.

[Soul Quake]

So why are you with him? You fight everyday. He has a racist father who he makes excuses for, gets upset when you voice your opinion, and in turn invalidates you. Are you willing to endure this ongoing bad behavior?

[seesaw]

Okay, if a man can't aim into the toilet then he needs to just sit on the damn thing. I'm sorry that's just disgusting and unsanitary.

Here's the deal, you need boundaries. You are uncomfortable with him staying in your home because of the way he behaves. So they need to get a hotel when they come to stay. Period. Have you told your BF about his dad going through your stuff and peeing in the bathroom, not in the toilet? Your BF should really talk to your dad about this behavior. Can you get him to say to his dad, "please do not use her bathroom. You're welcome in our home, but we need our privacy too."

If your BF is unable to do this on your behalf or change his own behavior, I would really question continuing the relationship. The racist comments are just unacceptable. The fact that, with you in the room, he can't exercise manners and composure, is a huge red flag. I'm not saying that this is a point against your BF, but if BF is unwilling to stand up for you to his dad, do not walk, RUN away.

The racist comments are just...well it seems to me that the dad is trying to insult you. There's really no excuse for it. None of this, it just slipped out business sells with me anymore. I live in the deep South. It's 2016, if you don't know better by now, it's because you choose to continue to behave in a racist, disgusting way.

Good luck,
Seesaw

This would be a deal breaker for me. I would demand your boyfriend ask his father to at least be respectful in your presence.

Originally Posted by Brasucasulu

He is very racist. He has no repeat for black people and keeps calling names like "monkey" and "baboon". Considering the fact that half of my family is black, I feel sick and can't say nothing or my BF will get very upset.

I agree with Justafriend306: this is a deal-breaker, and probably something you're not going to be able to get around while maintaining any respect for yourself. You can't fix stupid.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Ok first if your bf is showing the same patterns of behavior that alone should b enough to say this is a deal breaker but on top of that wtf isn't your bf standing up for you. if somone, whether family or friends are offensive in my home, they no longer would be welcome and it seems to me your bf has no backbone to stand up for you or agrees secretly with how his father sees black people.

silence speaks just as loud as him being racist himself. without hesitation I say you should end this relationship. NOT worth it. you deserve to be treated with respect. period.

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

I agree with Justafriend306: this is a deal-breaker, and probably something you're not going to be able to get around while maintaining any respect for yourself. You can't fix stupid.

Very true! Thank you Lefty

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Ok first if your bf is showing the same patterns of behavior that alone should b enough to say this is a deal breaker but on top of that wtf isn't your bf standing up for you. if somone, whether family or friends are offensive in my home, they no longer would be welcome and it seems to me your bf has no backbone to stand up for you or agrees secretly with how his father sees black people.

silence speaks just as loud as him being racist himself. without hesitation I say you should end this relationship. NOT worth it. you deserve to be treated with respect. period.

When it comes to his family, he will always agree and will never say no to them.
I was shocked one day, not long ago, whe they're showing a story on tv about protest on a black neighborhood somwhere in the US. His dad was furious saying: look at these bunch of monkeys and baboons (referring to black people), they have no respect for nothing. He kept saying that over and over. I left the room immediately and told my BF why. His dad was a police man at apartheid.
For me it is disgusting. I wasn't raised like that.

[PlannedObsolescence]

Walk away from it. If your BF is in denial of it then he will never change. Just move on. Life is too short for that type of mentality. Racists have no place in this world. Well, not in our world. Maybe in some deranged, whacked out world they can exist. Hell maybe?

[gayleggg]

I agree that you need to walk away before things get worse. Your bf shows no incite and without it he won't change and you can bet his father won't.

I would be direct and rational and tell his father how it is. I would say something to the effect of "I realize you came from a different generation but it's 2016 and your comments are racist and unacceptable in my home. You can say what you wish in your own home but I will not tollerate it here. Please use the bathroom in the bedroom if you can help it. I find myself cleaning urine from the floor in the bathroom you are using and either I have a UTI and am leaking, or someone is peeing on the floor without realizing it. Let's avoid blame by having you stick to the bathroom we got ready for you. Please do not go through my things. It makes me uncomfortable"

If he ignores you, don't allow him to stay. If he's racist in his own home, don't go there. If your BF is racist and it's unacceptable to you, you would be smart to leave.

[seesaw]

I'm kinda curious how you got to the point of moving with this boyfriend without knowing how his father behaves or how he is...

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I'm kinda curious how you got to the point of moving with this boyfriend without knowing how his father behaves or how he is...

I just realized how he is after we spent some time together. We used to see them just for very short period. Then he decided that he wanted to spend more time with them. There was when I start noticing his dad's behavior.

[seesaw]

Aw, I see. Yeah, it's hard to really know a person. So many people get married and don't really know the person and then end up divorced. I hate to be all "you should leave him" but I don't know that this is a healthy relationship if he can't be sensitive to something SO important. I mean, forget the messy father business...he calls people of color baboons and monkeys. Just not okay. At all.

I think you really need to consider if staying in this relationship will be healthy for you. If he won't go to bat for you with something SO important, how will it be for other things?

Good luck,
Seesaw

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Aw, I see. Yeah, it's hard to really know a person. So many people get married and don't really know the person and then end up divorced. I hate to be all "you should leave him" but I don't know that this is a healthy relationship if he can't be sensitive to something SO important. I mean, forget the messy father business...he calls people of color baboons and monkeys. Just not okay. At all.

I think you really need to consider if staying in this relationship will be healthy for you. If he won't go to bat for you with something SO important, how will it be for other things?

Good luck,
Seesaw

Thank you Seesaw! You're so right!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Brasucasulu

When it comes to his family, he will always agree and will never say no to them.
I was shocked one day, not long ago, whe they're showing a story on tv about protest on a black neighborhood somwhere in the US. His dad was furious saying: look at these bunch of monkeys and baboons (referring to black people), they have no respect for nothing. He kept saying that over and over. I left the room immediately and told my BF why. His dad was a police man at apartheid.
For me it is disgusting. I wasn't raised like that.

Whether you agree or not, I will say that it doesn't matter in private what your bf thinks. obviously he's with you but. Being silent on something that affects your supposed love of your life, its the same as agreeing with them. Even if I believe that all people are equal, which I do, if I let others have their way with making racist statements like that I might as well be on their side. 10x that if your actual gf or SO is of the race being spoken of.

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Whether you agree or not, I will say that it doesn't matter in private what your bf thinks. obviously he's with you but. Being silent on something that affects your supposed love of your life, its the same as agreeing with them. Even if I believe that all people are equal, which I do, if I let others have their way with making racist statements like that I might as well be on their side. 10x that if your actual gf or SO is of the race being spoken of.

Exactly right. I can't stand any type of discrimination. And I feel like they have absolutely no respect for me as a human being. I left the room many times when he was saying that. Even his wife told him to stop, but he doesn't care.
The best for me is move away from this people before it is too late.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'll tip toe around this thread when I say this.

You're considering ending a relationship with your bf because his dad is a *******?

My parents are probably one of the biggest racists on the planet ... oh boy don't get me started ... and as for my grandparents - they were all part of the apartheid era.

But it's not a reflection what so ever on who I am, and it shouldn't be a reflection on who your bf is. I don't get a sense that you've heard racist comments from him.

Thing is, no one can change your bf's father. He is who he is. It's not going to make a difference at this stage what anyone says to him about his racists ways; not his wife; not your bf. Some people just have no tact or culture and clearly he is one of them.

Maybe you need your feelings to be more acknowledged by your bf?

Thing is, your bf could intervene every time his father goes off on racist tirades, but how is that going to solve anything? It isn't. Personally if it was me, I'd like to think my bf would say something.

I would think that you need to have a good, long upfront conversation with your bf and tell him how you're feeling. I wouldn't personally "end it cold" or so to speak until you can have a heart to heart about all of this with your bf.

There must be some kind of half way medium you and your bf can come to that both of you agree on and are comfortable with. Some strategies you can put in place for when his father comes over or what to do when his father goes on this rants. If your bf can't agree with this, then yes you can consider plan B which is walking away.

In most cases you're not going to change the minds of our elderly. People were "conditioned" to believe a certain way.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I'll tip toe around this thread when I say this.

You're considering ending a relationship with your bf because his dad is a *******?

My parents are probably one of the biggest racists on the planet ... oh boy don't get me started ... and as for my grandparents - they were all part of the apartheid era.

But it's not a reflection what so ever on who I am, and it shouldn't be a reflection on who your bf is. I don't get a sense that you've heard racist comments from him.

Thing is, no one can change your bf's father. He is who he is. It's not going to make a difference at this stage what anyone says to him about his racists ways; not his wife; not your bf. Some people just have no tact or culture and clearly he is one of them.

Maybe you need your feelings to be more acknowledged by your bf?

Thing is, your bf could intervene every time his father goes off on racist tirades, but how is that going to solve anything? It isn't. Personally if it was me, I'd like to think my bf would say something.

I would think that you need to have a good, long upfront conversation with your bf and tell him how you're feeling. I wouldn't personally "end it cold" or so to speak until you can have a heart to heart about all of this with your bf.

There must be some kind of half way medium you and your bf can come to that both of you agree on and are comfortable with. Some strategies you can put in place for when his father comes over or what to do when his father goes on this rants. If your bf can't agree with this, then yes you can consider plan B which is walking away.

My point of contension here is not merely ythe parents but in how even when his girlfriend is around, clearly taking offense, the son does nothing which doesn't necessarily make him a racist but by his silence he chooses not to stand up for his gf in the presence of the racism. It's nearly worse to remain silent and says a bit.

Sure, I completely agree with you on ths things you say, and if it were his father's place they were visiting, he might need to remain silent in order to be a respectful guest but this is the parents visiting him and he should be taking the reins, have some backbone and he does not.

If he is anything like his father I would never have had anything to do with him in the first place. Some of my family are racists but I make it clear to them that that behavior will NEVER be acceptable around me and if they start it I leave. A few I refuse to go out in public with because they sound like your boyfriend's father. Outside of my family, I don't associate with racists, period (And as for a partner,thankfully, I'm attracted to the opposite race).

I would get away fast.