Mother Still Won't Leave Me Alone

I have distanced myself from my mother because she is overbearing, passive aggressive, and manipulative. I have made posts about this before.

Thanksgiving is coming up. She usually hosts 10-12 people. She asked me to host this year and gave an incredibly bizarre reason as to why she couldn't. It's so strange that I don't even want to post it in case any family comes across this site. I told her that I couldn't do it and suggested two different alternatives. She had reasons we couldn't do either.

I called up some other relatives and one of them wanted to cook food and bring it to my mother's house. We developed a plan. I confirmed with my mother, who, I later realized, probably *wanted* to cook the dinner even though she was talking like she didn't. And now I misinterpreted her passive aggressive message and she is taking it as some kind of personal affront. This is pretty standard behavior for her and why I do not want a close relationship.

Today I get home from an 11 hour day and there's a card from her. It's a plaintive note about wanting to repair the relationship. She has invented a reason for my distance that is very far from the truth.

I sent her a message saying I just wanted to be independent. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to say 'You are passive aggressive and overbearing and I am tired of it,' because she will just argue with me. I am not interested in talking about it with her.

How do you deal with someone like that? I understand that her feelings are hurt, but I am tired of the guilt trips.

I have found it best to be blunt and direct.

"Mother, I cannot host thanksgiving. Thank you".

I believe people that are passive-aggressive are unwilling to communicate their true feelings due to an inner insecurity, so they go to extremes to control situations through tactics that are manipulative. I have a family member that I was honest with about an issue that was causing problems in our relationship. She listened and actually sounded glad we had the conversation, but later she went and told other family members I was mean to her. You try to speak open and honestly with the other person, but they always seem to have a 'front' that they put on and hide their true intentions.

It is frustrating.

Amen, yzen.

Yeah, really well put!

Yes, that's it - I have been down this road so many times. I can't do it anymore. It's like banging my head against the wall. She is not a bad person, was not the worst mother, just has her own problems that make it impossible for me to want to interact with her at this point. I feel sorry for her but I don't want to do this anymore. I keep up minimum contact which involves seeing her every couple of months at family occasions. I do not want more.

My mother has also bad mouthed me to other relatives. She did it years ago when I first moved out and had to cut off all contact with her because she would not stop coming over and letting herself into my house. Things have not been the same between me and several relatives since then.

Gosh I hate to say this...

I'm a mom. I have a mom. We both have huge and numerous faults.

I hope and pray to God that my children don't think as badly of me, as I think of my mom...

It's all about kindness and restraint, I think.

I wish I had left it at that instead of trying to be proactive and suggesting an alternative. My boyfriend even pointed out that I seemed like I was setting myself up for future resentment and unhappiness with the way I was handling the situation. He was right.

That was why I sent the really brief message tonight. I do not want to engage in this conversation with her. I feel sorry for her, but she needs to work this stuff out with someone else, like a therapist. Not me.

Just looked at my phone. She wants to know what I mean. What do I do, just delete it? Tell her it's not a conversation I'm having?

Sounds like she uses guilt to try to get you to feel responsible for situations she created. Do you think she probably wants to have a good relationship with you but has used those tactics for so long she does not see what she is doing? Yeah, I don't know if a conversation about what you meant would be productive.. Not sure.

I'm not sure what to suggest, but I feel you, sister! I'm not sure what to do about Thanksgiving, either. My mother ruined nearly every holiday since I got married for the same reason; control.

Yes, I think she has no idea how problematic her behavior is. I have been direct with her in the past, but it just makes no difference. She argues with me.

Maybe she doesn't know what kind of relationship she is supposed to have with her children. All of us find her too overbearing And difficult to be around. The fundamental problem at this point is that she wants a closer relationship, but I don't. I guess I am just going to delete the text message thread and forget about this. I told her I wanted independence. how can I explain that any further? Why do I have to?

Glad I'm not alone in these kinds of feelings, but I'm sorry other people have similar situations!

My therapist said it's ok to limit interaction with toxic family. No need to estranged but just see them infrequently and keep conversation to a basic small talk and keep it brief. My dad is a pain. I don't intend to abandon him but I keep it to a minimum. And things are much better

My therapist also told me that these people will never change and will never admit they're at faults because they are emotionally unhealthy. So we just accept the reality and don't allow it to ruin our lives. Her saying it helped me with my parents

That's definitely what I am trying to do, just keep all contact to a minimum... but I am at a loss when she gets in my face about it. The minimum isn't good enough for her.

I deleted her message and threw out the letter she sent. I've responded to her as much as I am going to on this one. I wish I didn't have to deal with this at all.

Then what are you going to do about Thanksgiving?

Spot on. Keep contact at a minimum. Don't let yourself get emotionally invested in their behavior. See it for what it is: disordered behavior. It helps a bit to view it that way.

seesaw

Hi hvert,
I wonder how old your mother is, and does she live alone?

My mom is 90 and widowed now for 8 yrs. She is lonely. Yes, she manipulates the family to get attention, positive or negative, doesn't matter as long as she is talking to someone.

I am the nearest (local) and youngest of the family. I am my mom's caregiver and must see her nearly everyday. It is very hard to do sometimes in the state I'm in, but what else can I do? I can either live with the guilt of not paying enough attention (I detest guilt, but can't help it), or spend more time one on one, although where I could find the time for more is impossible to imagine. It is a problem, but one I can't abandon due to her age and needs.
She does stir up trouble with other family members, says one thing, then denies it, that sort of thing. My dad was EXTREMELY controlling and manipulative, I guess it rubbed off on her. It is really sad to want to take care of your mom, but have to go through a mine field to do it. I have no choice, she is unable to do most things since breaking her hip in 2014.

But it does cause me a lot of pain and upset, the guilt she places on me. (And the guilt is always present, it seems, I can never do enough). I guess I'm doomed to ride it out until she passes in 6 yrs or so. I'll be the one who changes her diapers when that time comes too. I love my mom, but she makes it hard to take care of her. What to do to change it? I don't know. I don't think she can change at 90 and I'm just stuck. I can't abandon her, I'm the only one she sees in person. Everyone else is just by phone.

Wish I had some sage advice, but I hope knowing you aren't alone helps somewhat.

I'm sorry, your situation with your mother is heartbreaking. Are there any resources in your area that can help you? Caretaking is very difficult even when you don't have to walk through a minefield to do it, so I can't imagine what it is like for you.

My mother is about 60. She lives alone but works. I don't want to think about what is going to happen when she is too old to take care of herself. She has been guilt tripping us about that for many years already. She tells us 'just shoot me, I don't want to live in a nursing home.' Then she usually makes some snide comment about how none of us will take care of her or let her live with us. I will never let her live with me, that is for sure!