Sick of being valued the least

What I did notice is that he is consistently comparing himself to his younger brother, to a point where he feels very threatened by the mere thought of having his brother end up working where he is working. This challenge began a LONG TIME ago for him.

Often with an obsessive challenge it can be one little thing that someone says that can mean something significant that is helpful. I have found that to be true for myself. Honestly, I am wondering if this goes all the way back for him and he just has not realized it. My older sister NEVER got over the fact that when she was only two years old, a baby herself my older brother came into the picture and took something from her. This has NEVER changed and she hates it when he comes around all these years later.

We could adopt a philosophy where we don't talk to autistic or delusional people or we can learn proper communication techniques and allow them to express themselves and still offer our insight. It's acceptable to say "we've gone round and round and I see no point". I see your point

But the OP may still have more to say and people may still feel the need to respond back. When nobody sees the point anymore the thread will drop.

The OP is right in many ways. The way you are treated by others and your "standing" in society are correlated. When people treat us a certain way it can create projected self fulfilling prophecies and begin doing subtle but effective things to confirm these prophecies and stories we are told about ourselves. We then need therapy to help us break these chains and find out where they all began and how and why the narrative keeps repeating in your life.

I understand what you're saying. I dont mean that we ignore people. But if someone wants advice or comes here for advice, then shouldnt they be willing to hear that advice and not shoot everything down? I think my point was more in frustration that every comment, it seems, has been shot down, in a thread of 160 plus replies.

I don't understand what it is exactly that the OP wants to hear from us? Yes, your brother is better than you so enjoy your misery? That's what it seems to be to me, because he won't accept any other reality...or the idea that his thought process could be changed through therapy.

He also said he does not have a diagnosis of autism. He said he believes he has some traits but his therapist would not diagnose him as such because she would treat it the same way as someone with social awkwardness. I don't know if he has autism or not, but there seems to be a trend, I have noticed, that people think if they have poor social skills then that means they have some form of autism. That's kind of offensive to me. It's like people who experience some form of stress likening it to PTSD or GAD. If he thinks he has autism, then let's talk about that and how to overcome it in social settings, but so far the problem is everyone else and how everyone else should change.

I agree with how the rivalry started long ago. My mom says my oldest sister was never the same when my middle sister was born. (I'm the baby). But they each gravitated to their separate strengths as not to run in the same circles and compete.

This is part of why I suggested working with a therapist on reparenting. I feel bad for the OP that his parents allowed such a rivalry to form. I think it's a parents' duty to encourage good relationships between their children and not allow these rivalries to get out of control. Of course there will be some amount of rivalry, but it shouldn't be to the point of one child wanting to kill another.

I totally get what you're saying, trust me. My son has autism/aspergers....the real undeniable deal and it's truly an epidemic. The statistics are outrageous on how fast it's spreading. There are lots of people who could be helped by a diagnosis who don't receive one. As for people being misdiagnosed, it happens but I trust that as long as people are being treated for symptoms, the diagnosis isn't as important.

My brother is 6 years older than me and hates me. He cannot remember his childhood because of drug abuse so he conjured up his own narrative where he was the victim when in fact he abused me my entire life and resented me from the day I was born for no reason. It's a long story but when someone gets convinced they are less important than their sibling for whatever reason (real or imaginary) it causes some deep seething anger and pain and need to restore ones ego.

Wow, this is almost my story exactly, except my brother is only 2.5 years older than me. My brother tried to molest me once growing up, then got into drugs, and daily was physically abusive and threatened to kill me. My mother and father both seem in denial that any of this happened. When I remind my mother of his past drug use, she's like "I don't remember that." even though it was the whole reason we moved from California to Florida, to get him away from his drug dealer.

Then, about 18 months ago, he was in a very serious motorcycle accident and nearly lost his leg. My family has been extremely supportive of him and they seem to expect me to all of a sudden start caring about him when I grew up terrorized by him and his death threats to me. My mother continually has to update me on his latest surgery when I honestly don't care. He's an abuser whom I have nothing to do with any longer. It's extremely hurtful to hear my mom talk about how upset she is about his condition, when I went through two years of multiple hospitalizations, had to go on disability, and went through hell, and she doesn't even seem to acknowledge that I was sick.

Anyways, I digress. My point was, I totally understand where you're coming from.

Seesaw

I'm very sorry to hear all that seesaw. (((Hugs))). My brother beat me brutally, put my life in danger, tried to molest me and threatened to kill me and my entire family with a gun when I was about 17. I think he has NPD. My brother made erroneous allegations against my parents and created his own narrative where he is a victim of things that didn't happen as he says they did. My parents want NOTHING to do with my brother and my mother cried her eyes out and said she probably couldn't talk to me if I stayed in contact with him. My parents have been violated by him enough and no longer want any contact. They wish him well but want zero contact with him or his NPD wife. I want to contact him and get nostalgic for the good times or the relationship I feel we should have. I'm very conflicted but my parents are not. I wish none of this happened to either of us. (((Hugs)))

I guess it is more of the second bit. We do not know how to talk sense into someone. As someone who has had a big need for sense being talked into him, and maybe still am, I do not see how people could have helped me in the past to get out of certain thouhg patterns that I eventually did come out of.

I have this vision of the same throughts in a person reenforcing themselves as a person thinks about it more and longer. As the person obsesses about them, they get a life of their own.
Mayhe they need new thought patterns, and maybe more important, new experiences and behaviors, to be diluted away.

I also agree that Shadix brother not having a boyfriend may be an oddity as well, and maybe they suffer from similar things, in different ways.

My brother had girlfriends in his youth. Girls would tell me 'Your brother is cool' and 'Your brother is cute', with the slight intonation sugesting I was not. But my brother had one serious girlfriend. But after that fizzled, for a very long time, from maybe 19 to 26 or so, he did not. I don't know if he never had or just kept it hidden. I suspect whatever was going on was superficial. But now he has had a GF for quite some years and it seems to be going well for him, and her. But maybe I am being naieve. If I have so many problems, and some of them are related the way my parents interact, he must have the same damage.

I don't know if Shadix should invest in his relationship with his brother, get to a better understanding, or try to develop a life independent of him.

I agree. Each one of us on here has their own issue that we can't seem to fix. And everyone else can simply say 'stop doing that' and it would be so easy for everyone else not to do what each one of us does.

It's obsessive thinking, and you're right, the only way to stop is to replace those thoughts with something else.

Well, a lot has to do with the home environment and how the parents make an effort to make sure each child gets what they need. The OP has not talked about how his mother was or what his home environment was growing up, at least not in this thread. But, what I do see is how threatened he is by his younger brother or anyone that is like his younger brother. It seems to me that he gets triggered and this trigger goes way back for him and that is where he could use some help. Even his feeling unappreciated probably goes way back for him as well and he has not realized that in a way that could be very helpful to him.

Faulty thinking patterns usually do originate from early traumatic stuff. Understanding your position in the family and your family dynamics is very eye opening for most people. Learning how "birth order" can effect us is enlightening.

This. So much this.

I am ten years younger than my sisters. I wasn't included in family issues because I was just a kid and was treated unimportant. (So unimportant that I was not even given the respect of being told my father was dying!). I know this feeling of unimportance carries over with me to other issues as an adult and that feeling triggers me.

I think many of us are aware of potentially distorted thinking along with other potential issues and that's why many (i for sure on many occasions) recommended op to seek professional help/doctor/psychiatrist/therapist/social worker etc

Shadix, has any of the posts in your thread been helpful? You have not responded in a while now, so I was wondering what "your" thoughts are.

I'm sorry if I offended you, I didn't mean to sound rude. I only said that because you implied the women you were spending time with weren't interested in return. If you're coming up against dead ends in terms of socializing with these people, then maybe it's not a match. I know nothing about you so it's not a judgment on you as a person, just what I thought was implied in your post.

This forum is not the place to unravel your issues. What you need is a psychologist who will help you deal with this. It must be very frustrating and painful for you.

Thanks for all the replies. Yes they are helpful and insightful.

Yes I have thought about how childhood experiences with my brother may be responsible for the way I feel right now. I will share a few things regarding that:

1) I always felt some jealousy towards my younger brother, even when I was little. For example, I didn't want him hanging out with my friends because I saw them as "my" friends, not his. I suppose this could have something to do with me losing the "baby" status to him at age 2. But I can't say for sure since I can't remember those years. However, I will say that in the years I do remember, I simply do not recall getting ignored or him getting more attention. If anything, I got more attention, being the first born. And yes, I definitely recall being the one with more expectations places on me and he likely did have more freedom to experiment. Not to mention, he was better prepared for everything, since he had an older brother who already went through that phase.

2) During our teen years, my brother really had it in for me. He went through this phase where he would claim that I am favored over him on the family. He would throw tantrums and maliciously attack me over this, often pointing out how I was a loser and had no friends and how he had a better personality than me. And then when he would face a backlash for this he would use it to feed his narrative where he is the victim.

3) We have a younger brother who is 19. He has had girlfriends and actually has one now. However, he does not have the charismatic personality that my middle brother has, and he actually seems to be insecure and emotionally unstable. Like me, he comes across like he is behaving in a way he thinks people want him to behave as opposed to being natural, like our middle brother.

4) I was bullied and ostracized throughout my school years all the way up to high school. Then in high school I was bullied a lot by my brother. My youngest brother was bullied a lot by my middle brother. He would just constantly criticize him and shame him for things all the time. My middle brother was socially accepted at school and did not have to deal with a bully at home like my youngest brother did(which was him).

5) Right now, my middle brother has long outgrown his malicious, narcissistic phase and is generally a pleasant person who seems to genuinely care about us. But of course, this doesn't erase the effects of his past actions, and this may be part of why I feel jealous of him. Also, I sometimes find myself wondering if the reason he harbors no malice towards us now is because he has come to see himself as superior and no longer feels threatened by us. His maliciois actions in the past always seemed jealousy-driven.

6) My middle brother could easily get a girlfriend if he wanted. He has had girls ask him out in the past, but he wasn't interested in them.

7) I think I could get a girlfriend if I wanted to also. I have had girls interested in me over the years and I am pretty sure I have one now. I just don't feel ready for a committed relationship, which is what she is probably looking for.

^^^YES YES YES. This is something I am very well aware of and I do often suspect it may be at play. There is a phenomenon where you will tend to behave in a way that conforms to the way people treat you. For example, Ioften sense that people treat me like I am socially awkward or incompetent. Like they are nice to me in a condescending way. Almost like they are talking to a child. Perhaps them treating me this way causes me to behave in the way they expect? Also, it could be a two way street. Maybe since I am expecting this treatment from people, that causes them to treat me this way.

It's funny, people say "you can't control what people think of you" but what if what people think of us can control us?

Oh and just fyi, the reason I do not respond for a while somtime is because I cannot make these posts without basically sitting in silence and solitude. This may be related to whatever cognitive processing problem that could be causing my social awkwardness.

Yes, research self fulfilling prophecies and how other people's views of you can cause you to behave differently if you are prone to them. Get some therapy to get to the root of the problem. You do have points about how you see things but it's not as concrete as you feel it is. It's more fluid and less rigid. Therapy will help you identify why you think like this and how to correct patterns which no longer serve you.

You said before that you don't see a therapist because they only work during the day when you are at work. There are certainly therapists that see clients late or weekends. If you tell me or PM me privately where you live and your work hours and I can locate one or more for you. I offered it before.