How to Break the Friendship and Move it to Dating

I am going to keep looking until I find the right guy for me. The guys I asked out and denied me I am putting them in the back burner when they are good and ready they will ask me out when they want to date.

If they denied you its better to move on and not waste the time hoping they will change their mind. Also since they are on dating sites, they are "good and ready" for dating

I agree. Artchic has been asking valid questions and making adjustments. She is also insightful about her own mistakes.

Looking for the right person is a chore. We allvebeen there. It is hard. But doing same old same old isn't the best strategy

If they've already denied you multiple times, they aren't going to suddenly ask you out when they want to date you-- because they don't want to date you. That's why they said no. Would you like it if a guy who you said "no" to kept asking and asking and chastising you for not dating them? Or would it upset you that they didn't respect your "no"? If you want to find someone to date, you should accept it when a guy says no and leave them alone. Wait for a guy who will enthusiastically say yes-- or even ask you first!

While no one is telling you to change your personality or core values, it might be worth considering self-improvements like getting a job or having hobbies in order to live a more fulfilling life so you are not as dependent on guys for your emotional and physical needs. You will probably attract more men if you are a happier person who has things going on your life. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but most people do have a few "musts" when it comes to dating and having a job (or means of self-support) is a pretty common one. So your pool right now is probably small so it's harder to date.

Ah, I see I was mentioned!

Stolemyheart, there is a saying I have often been told, and that saying is: Crazy is defined by doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results each time.

You're doing the same things over and over again, expecting different, and often times, better results and getting nothing but the same thing over and over again. However, what you need to do is to absolutely STOP trying to force yourself onto guys. You can't make a guy fall in love with you. No "ands", "ifs" or "buts" about it. I don't know how much plainer and simpler myself and the others can make it for you. I can sense you're a stubborn soul, such as myself, but you need to let go of that stubbornness and pride and just let things happen as they may. Simply put, you're trying way to hard to make the impossible work for you right now.

Now, what I'm about to say may be because I attended a Winter Solstice ceremony/celebration today, and I am feeling particularly at peace and spiritually tuned in to our Goddess/Mother. You're a woman, and as such are very powerful. Women are very powerful, as we posses not only the ability to create life from within our wombs, but to endure the toughest of hardships and still remain, still as strong as ever. We women posses the ability to sense when something is right and wrong, what some may call a "women's intuition", and this is something those who are in tune with and have in their possession, a feminine heart.

I can sense that your heart is greatly out of touch with this innate ability, this sense we women possess, and is being obscured by your stubbornness and possibly refusal to accept that you can't control what others who come into your life may feel. I've only recently come to realize that myself, maybe in the past few months or so. Now I am listening with my feminine heart and allowing that deeply powerful sense within all who carry such a heart to guide me and tell me when something is amiss, or not quite right.

Even those who were assigned the female gender at birth, but have since identified with the masculine, and therefor have transitioned to being male both physically and spiritually still carry this feminine sense of knowing what is and isn't right. I personally know of a man, who had transitioned into manhood, and is very much a man inside and out, still has this strong aura of the feminine about him and is in tune with the feminine intuition.

But I digress. You need to relax, perhaps start meditating and allowing your self to just accept, not to try and change what others feel and think. We are a species endowed with that of free will. This is something within us that can't be altered or controlled, no matter how others try to oppress it. You need to allow yourself to let go, move on, and become one with the concept that aggressively hunting down males and forcing yourself upon them is never going to work. You need to relax, be at peace with the inevitable, that it is not yet your time for such a relationship, and that it'll come when it comes, and not a moment sooner.

Let go of your aggressive, stubborn, and demanding traits, or at least try and recognize that they are showing themselves in your behaviors, so that you may be aware of them, and thus, be able to alter your mindset to a more peaceful, non-aggressive approach to others.

May peace and light surround you, and that you finally can be at peace with yourself.

You crack me up, arty.

I'm glad I could bring a smile to your face.

Cool post artchic

Thanks. I feel very in touch with my spiritual self today.

I meant it in the kindest possible way. I meant it as the fact that you are basically banging your head against a wall, and if you know what you wanted then you wouldn't be here asking for help now would you?

You are still looking, sigh okay. Look then. We are not here to force you to change your ways or have you "please us" as you previously mentioned. But there has been some sound advice here on this thread, you asked for help, and there has been an outpouring of responses. Listen and pay attention, that's all.

You have come along way my friend. I remember visiting this site MONTHS ago and all I saw were posts from you about this guy, that guy, this guy. Now look at you? Dating healthily with your divine feminine power up front and center shattering all those misconceptions people had about you (and you possibly had about yourself) out the window! I am so proud. You rock it girl!

Thanks so much. I'm still learning though, and have a lot of personal growth ahead of me to do.

How about no. Me being alone, and waiting for a guy to magically appear is NEVER going to happen. How can you find your special man WITHOUT LOOKING? If you stand in the middle of the woods expecting to see a wild unicorn pop out of woods, IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. You need to go out and look for it. If you just stand still NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.

I am sick and tired of dealing with being single. It is the holidays I want a man to celebrate the holidays with me, be able to go out and have fun.

But no I am alone because I am apparently suppose to be alone for the rest of my life. Because no matter all that I try nothing I do works.

I take photos of myself looking great with great outfits, hair, make up, and yet get told I look like a man or transgender.

I go and chase guys and yet that doesn't work.

I sit back and let the guy chase me and that doesn't work.

I can send the guy a photo of me looking like crap with no make up and messy hair and yet that doesn't have the guy liking me at all either.

NOTHING I DO WORKS.

I was able to get boyfriends so many years ago but now everyone thinks I am a man and hate the way I live my life.

EVERYONE online and in real life hate how I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, or don't party, and I am a virgin saving myself for marriage and want marriage and don't want kids.

They find that odd and weird. Its called tradition and old school and yes there are some people that still exist and believe in these ways of living and I am one of them.

BUT NO ONE ACCEPTS ME FOR ME THEY ALL HATE ME.

NOTHING I DO MATTERS.

Or you could search the woods high and low until you're exhausted and frustrated and you still won't find a unicorn.

I get wanting someone for the holidays - I do too. But I know I'm just not ready to date. If I don't like myself, I can't expect anyone else to like me. Now I could try to work on myself or I could throw a tantrum and blame it on everyone else..... Which one do you think would be more effective?

I also don't drink, smoke, do drugs or party. But the last time someone found that weird or even cared about it at all was in high school. I'm sure there are still people out there who do find it weird but those aren't the kind of people I want to hang out with anyway.

You've been trying and trying and only getting frustrated so obviously this isn't working for you! And the more frustrated you get, the more pushy and the more you scare guys off. Why not just take a break from dating and first of all relax, get away from the frustration, work on yourself, get your life in order, grow up a little and then look for the right guy?

And like other people have suggested, try being friends with a guy first. Let them get to know you for who you are without trying so hard to impress them, you never know what might grow out of a friendship.

You're entirely missing what everyone has said to you. No one has suggested you sit there and wait for a guy to come along. Instead, we have all suggested that you ACTIVELY WORK ON YOURSELF in order to become a fuller, happier human being-- both for yourself and so you will become a more appealing partner to the kind of men you're looking for. To clarify, no one is suggesting you change your personality or your values (no drinking, virginity, etc); we are mererly suggesting that you develop your talents and potential. For instance, you say you like music journalism-- so why not apply for a job or internship in the music industry (receptionist, assistant, etc) just to get your foot in the door. Or why not take some college classes in journalism? We are trying to explain WHY many of the quality guys you want to date might be saying "no." Regardless of what they tell you (since most probably don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and will use excuses like "I'm busy" or "I don't want to date" despite actively mainatianing a profile on a dating website), the reason for many of them may be that you don't have a job and live with your parents. You can call men jerks all day long saying the reason must be your pictures or your virginity or your not drinking-- but that probably isn't true in most cases. Most of us on the forum have said it's great that you know who you are and most of us would be open to dating someone who doesn't drink, is a virgin, etc. Most of us would not want to date a party-girl/party-boy. Yet, just about all of us have said we would not date someone who didn't work in some capacity. If you have the ability to pursue your interests and make something of yourself, but choose not to, that's going to be a red flag for most people. If there is a reason why you're choosing not to either work or go to school or do something that will lead to financial independence, it really may be worth talking to a therapist to understand what is going on. Your parents are not going to be alive and working full-time forever so, at some point, you are going to have to start supporting yourself. It's also true that, when it comes to dating, someone who is happy with their life and has things to talk about (their passions, daily activities, job, friends, hobbies) is going to exude positive energy and be more attractive than someone who does not. I am only saying this to try and help you, because you don't seem to understand (or are choosing to ignore) all of the advice everyone has given you and make up alternative reasons why all guys who aren't interested must be party-boy jerks.

You completely missed the point of Artchic528's experience. She is working on herself so when she does meet someone she will be able to have a healthy relationship. It is about personal growth. It is not about making a guy like you.

I am going to say this as plainly, and as nice as I can. I have read a lot of your posts and responded to a few. I get the distinct impression that you want others to bend your way, or be bent by your will, but you are unwilling to grow. That is what Artchic seems to have done and is still working on(we are all works in progress), I am not familiar with her story other than what I read in this thread so I don't want to put words in her mouth or act like I am speaking for her.

You have a lot of issues that frankly are the sort I would expect out of a 15 year old. Living with your parents and issues using too much water/electricity. Needing advice about what to do if you bump into an ex. You don't drive, if I remember correctly because of your parents telling you they don't want you to. The thing is that you are 29!

Anyone interested in someone your age, regardless of your gender, will expect that you are your own person and if not totally independent, working on it by actively going to school or in some sort of job training. At the very least they will be working whatever job they can find.

You are also extremely forceful. You want a guy on your terms and schedule requirements, regardless of his wants or employment demands. You have been told repeatedly that this is a serious issue. To be blunt, it throws up all sorts of warning flags.

I have somewhat been in your position, I understand your frusterations. I wanted desperately to date. It was painful that I was alone on my birthday, holidays, etc. The one thing I took away from that time of my life, and I was around your age, is simple. Desperation is a repellent. Once I got a handle on myself again, I was able to start dating again because I could present myself as a (sort-of) healthy adult. As you can see in my signature, I have some issues.

Some of the best relationships I have ever had with women started as friendships. Most never went beyond that and they are the best relationships I have ever had. Having friends is a good thing. Why spend the holidays with one person if you have friends? I have also learned that friends you make might have friends that might become more than that to you. Worst case, you made another friend. I used to use online dating services and it never felt right at the time. I know now, that is because of several reasons: It puts extra pressure on people, dating is stressful enough! It emphasizes dating over friendships, and that is skipping a step.

I don't know if it works the same in reverse, but being alone vs being with a group can make a huge difference. If I am by myself, I can't even get cashiers to notice me but if I am in a group or even with a single person, people notice me, respond to me and in much better ways. One of my most enlightening moments on relationships came way back in 1998 or so. I was with my best friend I have ever had. She is awesome in every way. We were meeting at some lame piano bar that she likes, I got there about an hour before she did. No one even noticed me. She shows up and the way people reacted to me changed 180 degrees. I still think it is an odd thing. You don't need to date to have friends and it is probably best if you don't date them first, that can cause issues.

I respect that you want to stay a virgin and aren't into partying. Those are things that should not be compromised if you believe in them.

You want:

• A guy with a full time job - very reasonable but you don't see the contradictions with your own life?
• A guy that can talk/text up to 18 hours a day - See the above
• You want the above from first contact - Can't you see how demanding and overwhelming that can be?
• A guy who will not be into partying or premarital sex - Very reasonable
• A guy who loves going to lots and lots of metal concerts - A guy who is into this scene and meet your non-partying and sex requirements will be an extremely rare fish

You are simply meeting the wrong type of men in the wrong places. Well, it is more than just that.

If you can became independent, be your own woman and confident and this is important, not come off as extremely needy, things will change. You will be able to present yourself to men as a healthy adult and you will find that men respond so much differently to you. It is hard work to progress personally. It is messy and painful but that is how we grow.

Nothing works for you because you do the same things over and over and refuse to grow up.

To add to all that, you misinterpret what people tell you or you just dismiss it. You have been given a gift of others experiences and insight and you don't use it. The amount and quality of advice given to you in your threads is staggering. Why do you ignore it? I know you hate being told this, but you should seriously consider a therapist. I am not claiming you are mentally ill, but a neutral third-party might help you sort through your frustrations.

You want things to change? You will need to get out of your comfort zone and grow as a person.

Online dating involves self-advertisement basically - showing off the good things about you, both in appearance and personal qualities.

I saw one thread where you posted 4 pictures of yourself...3 of them were unflattering selfies, and one was a nice enough picture, but not very close up. So I must be missing these amazing photos that you're taking. Not trying to sound harsh, but with online dating, a good picture can truly make a difference.

Now onto your good personal qualities. What do you have to offer to someone in a relationship? I have seen some great replies from people so I probably won't be saying anything new, but here goes. You're 29 years old, jobless from what I can see, and live with your mother. I don't know why you still live at home or don't have a job, maybe you can't work, who knows? But the reality of it is, when looking for a new relationship, most people don't want someone still living with mommy and not working at all. It just isn't appealing.

If you came across a man's profile and he had the same thing (29, living with mom, not working) then he probably wouldn't seem like the best catch to you. Add on top of that a desperate personality and coming on really strong, and you have someone that will make others run in the other direction. That, unfortunately, is how you're coming across and it does come off as kind of scary, as well as sad.

Work on yourself first. And if you refuse to do that, then your dating profile will probably stay the same and you will continue to scare people off with an abrasive personality. It may sound harsh, but it's the truth. Good luck to you.

Did you even read what I posted before?

I have had guys accept me for who I am, even though I don't drive, don't go to school and live at home with my PARENTS. Not just my mom but my PARENTS as in mom and dad.

And for your information I DO WORK. I

What I can offer in a relationship, is to be there for that person, be loyal, faithful, honest, trusting, never cheat on them, always be there to show support, care, love, share my emotions and feelings with them, tell them how much they mean to me etc.

And I do work, so I am bringing in some paychecks and I can offer to pay for gas, or half of the meal, or half of the date, OR I can even use the buses, trains, or walking to meet my date, so we can save money and help them that way too.

Who cares if I live at home with my mom and dad, my parents, thats not a big deal. I know a lot of people my age if not older living at home, that is really not a big deal. Not everyone is the same in this world. Everyone is different, and everyone does things at different points in their lives. Just because every 16 year old is able to get their driver's permit at that age, doesn't mean everyone has too.

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't party, I don't sleep around. I am NOT that type of female. Thats another thing I can offer, than some sleezy chick who does do that stuff and ends up doing stuff she regrets later on.

I am a clean person and can do a lot for the person I am with. All my past ex-Boyfriends had said I made them a great girlfriend, we broke up for other reasoning's is all.

Then why are you bothering asking for advice?

I suspect, though, that men might be wary of a 29-year-old woman still living at home with Mom and Dad. It might be different if it was YOUR home and your parents were living with you because you were caring for them, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Do you have the financial capability to get out on your own? If not, what can you do to get to that point in your life, to gain more independence and self-sufficiency? Are you involved in any activities, organizations, etc. where you gain a strong sense of independent self? That is what most people look for in someone they want in a relationship.

No one here is saying you have to change your morals and personality to date; however, you do need to really develop some independence in your life that will help you gain the confidence and contentment with your life (even a life without a man) that will appeal to men.

Sometimes you have to figure out how to be content on your own without a spouse before you really become appealing to someone as a potential relationship. Strong relationships tend to have two very independently content individuals who enjoy each other but don't live "for" each other or who can't live "without" each other.

If you are such a perfect girlfriend then I don't really see why you are constantly posting about how to force men to date you? Maybe instead of blaming everyone and everything but you for your issues, turn that on yourself and really look and why you are getting such negative responses. Look at how you react to constructive criticism. Look at all the demands you have for any man. Look at how you want to obsessively text all day and night. People don't want needy, controlling partners that demand constant attention. People don't want a partner that can't even take any sort of advice without lashing out and who show no gratitude when suggestions are made to improve your life. Looks mean very little as looks fade but if you have a crappy personality and do nothing to change it, then why expect your responses to be any different?

I hate to be blunt, but you're not going to find anyone to date by Christmas, not with your current attitude, anyway. I poured out my heart, soul, and plenty of wisdom to you and you just up and dismiss it with a wave of your hand because it's not what you want to hear. I felt that was very rude of you, and am frustrated and hurt by that rudeness.

I don't have much more to offer someone who refuses to listen to me.

I have to agree on this. She is posting and posting and not taking anyone's advice, just lashing out and repeating the same things. I was ignored too, and I feel hurt by this as well.

I hope you find some clarity stolemyheart.