Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

You don't need your husband to go have fun. There are plenty of women groups on meetup that you can join and go enjoy yourself. But if you don't want to do that you can volunteer at a homeless shelter. If you are afraid of him then call the police if he gets physical and press charges, but if he is only verbally abusive wear headphones

Your husband will not change his ways. He doesn't have to because you are ok with how things are. You are both miserable but both refuse to make changes so it will just stay this way

The problem is I just can't get myself to go out and do stuff on my own or with others because I'm constantly on edge about him being smarmy about me going out and if he is that way with me, i can't enjoy being out and am solely thinking about how smarmy he's going to be to me when I return. Or if he seems ok with me going out, I'll go out but will constantly be thinking about how he will most likely be all huffy with me when I return. My coworker asked me if I wanted to go out with her after work this week and I immediately don't think "that would be fun" but instead only think about how H will probably be upset and telling him about it stresses me out and I immediately come up with a reason why I can't. Even though he knows how bored I am at home.

It must be so emotionally draining to be in that position. You two seem to feed off of each other in a very co-dependent way. Have you thought about couples therapy just to be happier and more content with each other?

YOu really have to stop caring what our H says or feels about you going out. You need to learn to tune him out and enjoy your life.

I understand that you can't even relax at this point. Maybe book couple of sessions with a therapist (alone) to learn some coping strategies. Your health insurance might cover some or just pay fir one session out of pocket

Put the headphones on and play audiobook or music when you home then you won't even hear him

The thing is if you don't go out (which is a normal healthy thing to do) because you fear his reaction you are allowing yourself to be controlled by him. How about instead you learn coping strategies to deal with his unreasonable reactions when you return?

You wont go out because you worry about him being snarky when you come home? So you're basically allowing him to control seemingly all of your life.

Apparently he has no desire to change and won't do it.

Does he play his video games online? as in using the internet to play with others ? Or does he just plays them on his own with a disc. If he has to have internet to sit himself down and do nothing but these games, cut off your internet service. Will he be angry? Yup. So what... your allowing him to sit and do all the gaming.

I do agree with everyone else that recomends you getting out on your own , Meet ups , book clubs, Maybe a cooking class for yourself or there is the painting and wine places. There are alot of things you can get out and do, Just try one thing, If he doesn't like it , Oh well . Maybe if your start having an active social life he "might" sit up and take notice.

You and only you can make changes in your life. I also agree you should see a Therapist to learn how to manage living with such a selfish lazy man.

Good wishes

Good idea. Cancel cable for couple of months. Watch Netflix or Hulu or amazon prime on your tablet/laptop. Or better yet download the whole ton of shows and movies on your tablet. So you have stuff to watch without internet. Cancel internet for few months. You can buy kindle for like 49.99, or even cheaper, it holds tons of memory, you can download tons. When DH asks why there is no cable or no internet, tell him you have hard time paying it and it's now his turn.

No need to cancel the internet, just password protect it. Nothing gets someone's attention quite like seeing a network and not being able to access it.

Good idea but he can request new password or contact provider etc they are married. He can just call their internet company and ask for it or he will start demanding password from her screaming. But if there is no service she can just say she can't afford it. He can go to work and pay for it

ISPs don't usually set the router password the account holder does and since she pays she's the account holder. Maybe an exchange? Daily password given out if he goes to work?

Our wifi password is actually on the back of our router. Plus we have it written in couple of other places when we have house guests so they can use it without digging on the back of the router. We don't know how it's set up in ops household and if they are both account holders

Op is afraid of her husband on a daily basis. I don't see how she can possibly demand he works in exchange for a daily password if she is scared to leave the house without his permission.

She said many times that she has to use savings to pay monthly bills because he pays none. She can't afford things. Cancelling things that are luxury is rational logical decision. If he starts getting mad calm response would be "I ran out of money this month. Could you please pay for cable and internet?" It wouldn't be a lie, she can't afford it. He either starts paying or they live without.

I liked the idea of changing password to be 'go2work'.

Love this idea!

Too funny

Personally, I can't understand AT ALL how he pulls this over and over again with weeks off and made up stories as to why he couldn't come in, doesn't call in and goes back into work and doesn't get fired or a talking to! People just go up to him and ask if he's okay. He did this countless times at his previous job (it was a union job so I thought somehow he's getting around the rules) but at this one I think this is the 3rd time since August that he's been gone for 1 week+ with zero consequences! Every time I freak out about what is going to happen and it is always for no reason at all.

great idea.

But on a serious note... The OP is dealing with his nasty reactions ,

Could this cause her more problems/ harm further on a daily basis instead of all at once ? Just a thought.

Mapper are you afraid of you're husband and his reaction(s) ? Are you safe physically and mentally ?

Lots of low pay no skill jobs especially if not full time and no benefits don't care if you are there or not.

Your husband isn't college professor or RN or a chef. Place won't get closed up if your DH isn't showing up.

I have a professional job where I can't not show up. But we took a pay cut so I have not professional part time job to supplement my income.

This fall I was gone two weeks for bereavement (legitimate), but they never checked so anyone could say anything. I often take weeks off because I have other things going on or i don't need the hours or am off day job and just don't want to work. Other people do the same. I do inform management of course but some jobs just might not require that. I once had a job traveling to different buildings. There was no way to even check where the person is.

Your husband isn't CEO. Who cares why they let him do it.maybe he is such terrible employee that they are happy he isn't there. In fact if he is paid hourly they save money when he isn't there especially in slow season. He isn't important for them

You worry about wrong things. Your marriage is bad but you worry about his management allowing this or that.

I'm not afraid that he's going to harm me. That has never been an issue. The issue is his immediate change in tone of voice when I say to him "I'm upset" or if I simply ask "What are you going to do about work"? He gets immediately upset that I asked it or finds some instance where I annoyed him and brings it up. Turns everything back on me and I damn near end up apologizing to him for him missing work! He never wants to talk about issues because if I question him while he's telling me what's going on at work he gets more defensive. Like when he told me that he may see if he can get laid off and just collect unemployment and I said "What's that like $300/week which is half of what you're making now?" He goes on the defensive and raises his voice and goes "Yeah at least it's something right?". And I say "it's only going to make your debt situation worse" and he practically yells at me "Well I need to figure out what I'm going to do and I am not happy there so would you just let me figure out for myself?!" That's my cue to back off as one more question will make him stomp out of the room.

This is why we can never talk about important things. He doesn't want to tell me about his debts or work or that he's looking for another job and would rather talk about "what's for dinner?" and "you should come check out this video game I'm playing".

He's just using and manipulating you. He's intimidating you to keep financially supporting him. This is Gaslighting, an abuse.

But you are just caught up in the short of it. I see you post about little things that he is doing that upset you. You are missing the big picture.

He will probably take you for as much money as he can. Meanwhile, he cheats, lies, etc... Do you trust him at all about anything?

Asking him to start working is pointless.the only way to get him to work is to stop supporting him

It's very hard to trust him on pretty much anything anymore. I certainly can't believe it if he tells me he's going to work or if he's been at work. I have to email him at work to see if I get a response then I can relax. I mean he even gave me the story on Thursday when I got home about how he went in to see his boss but he was busy so he just went home and would try again tomorrow. Does he not understand how "out there" that whole lie is? You haven't been there for 1 1/2 weeks and you just pop in to have a talk with your boss but not to work and leave and will try again the next day? I heard for days about how he just needed to go in and get his check so if he had gotten it, he certainly would have deposited it but no deposit was in his account. There was no talk about what anyone said to him. Yet the next day when he DOES go in he comes home yakking about how everyone wanted to make sure he was okay and even handed over his check to me to scan for a deposit. Does he not realize the lie he just told me the day before about going in?? Let me guess, if I would have asked about his check that day he would have gone "Oh they said they just put it in the mail so I should get it tomorrow"!

He is getting paid for the time off he takes? Is he producing drs notes?

It's store. I can't imagine getting paid you aren't there unless he is management