Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

Do you drink too? How much vodka is there that he can drink daily? I wouldn't buy alcohol or if for whatever reason you must drink, then hide that vodka somewhere. Your car for example. You are enabling him.

I myself have tons of debt and I am not great with money but I never didn't work. I pay my own debt. This situation is just so horrid. I don't know how you maintain your sanity in all this. I am losing my mind simply reading it. Omg

Are you seeing a therapist? I think it might be a good idea

He actually took a shower and left for "work". I am guessing the only reason he did that was because I decided to stay home today and he had to make it look like he was following through on going to talk to his boss. However, he didn't take his backpack which he always does so that says to me he's going to go have breakfast somewhere with the $20 he has in his wallet because he is broke otherwise and kill a couple of hours reading his book somewhere and then come back home around noon saying something like "Yeah they were slow so they let me come home early". Yes, you of all people who hasn't been into work is the one they let go home early. You know, like he used to do when he worked at his previous job that he never wanted to go to and fooled me by leaving the house, then calling in sick to work, going and having breakfast somewhere and then coming back home after I left for work and acting like he had been at work all day when I got home. He took his phone with him but he still didn't look to see if he had missed calls or messages.

Stay tuned! I'm sure I'll have an update for you in a few hours.

Do you want to change what your life is like?

Well I'm not going to leave him and he certainly isn't going to leave me nor is he going to change his ways so I'm not sure it can change.

You don't have to leave him to change your life. You can stop monitoring what he does or doesn't do and start enjoying your life. You also could stop enabling him. People who don't work most certainly can't afford to drink vodka or go out for breakfast or own a car or have gas or a phone. Certainly you have to pay for utilities and food as you dint have other options, but other stuff shouldn't be your obligations. Yes things could change if you stop enabling him. You don't need to divorce him to force him get a job and keep it.

I agree, pay the bills, but don't give him any money. And when you buy groceries, only buy stuff that you like. Don't give him money for gas or restaurants or any kind of allowance, especially if you are paying all the bills. Don't pay his daughter's tuition (that's his responsibility) and don't pay for his alimony or whatever.

Kind of random question: you say you don't believe in divorce, but was he married before to the daughter's mother? So he was divorced and you were okay marrying a divorced man? From a religious standpoint, you wouldn't even marry a divorced man because he is still spiritually married to that other woman. I'm just confused by your logic.

Seesaw

But that wasn't my question. I'll quote myself here...

"Do you want to change what your life is like?"

He wasn't married to his daughter's mother but he was married previously to someone else, which lasted about 4 months because she was about 12 years younger than him and up and sold all his stuff and moved out when he was at work one day. He got an annulment before we married. Trust me, that was a lesson in patience. It took nearly 2 years before he finally got through that. I imagine now that that was because it was hard and he would rather play video games than deal with that.

I'm still confused as to how and why you would be forced to pay his debt in the event of a divorce.

I find it strange that you consider its shameful to get a divorce yet you married a man who had a child out of wedlock. It just isn't making sense. How is it one thing is shameful and the other isn't? Typically people who are very traditional and oppose divorce would not marry someone who had kids out of wedlock

She wouldn't. If they have finances separately she will not be paying his debt. I wonder if mappers husband brainwashed her to believe that

Mapper has made it clear that she does not intend to make any changes in her situation and only wants complain. Perhaps we ourselves are enabling her by continuing to interact under these circumstances. Just a thought

She said she will not divorce him. I honestly didn't see her saying she doesn't want her life to change. She says in all capitals that she REALLY wants to enjoy things in life. I don't see anyone pushing for divorce anymore ( we all
did before). I think people are suggesting improving life without divorcing him

Well I have deduced that he's at work. He has been gone for over 6 hours and there is no way he would occupy himself doing anything for that long if he wasn't at work, especially since he has $0 to spend. I was sure he would be back home after 2 hours with the excuse "Oh my boss wasn't there" or "they didn't need me today because it was slow so I came home". I am also sure he is at work because he is somewhere with a computer because I can see he keeps deleting his junk mail that comes in and he keeps going in every half hour at least to check it and he only does that at work because he's bored. If he's home he'll check it no more than once a day. I also see he has a draft in his drafts folder for a craigslist job.

How THE HELL does he never lose his job after he pulls this crap?? Not only that, but he's sitting at his desk right outside his boss's office looking for a job online!! He takes a week off without calling in then shows up and comes home and tells me everything is cool with his manager. How do you even show your face at work after pulling this crap??

Your snooping on his phone, his email and more I bet ... do you really want to continue this activity until " death do us part" ?

I just hope your thread of venting has been helpful for you.

Good wishes

I'm a fan of the book, "The Alcoholic's Wife". Has some great insight about how absorbed we become with our spouse's illness and adds insight into how to shed those shackles. It's a stressful feeling, for sure.

We become ill ourselves from things such as counting beer cans *raises hand*.

Yup. Did that too. Counted bottles.

Al anon literature helped,meetings not so much. I remember one saying "you are not going to flower shop to buy bread, so why are you going to alcoholic for emotional support? He can't give it"

. It really helped me to make decisions to leave. Mappers husband probably just can't give what she needs. He doesn't have it

I went to some meetings. Had just started therapy on top of everything else. Was utilizing another style forum where I was working through so much more than the knowledge that my then husband was an alcoholic, yet, every bit of support, each and every step that I was taking was leading me towards a healthier me. A more free me. The breakdown went much further than his depression and all those parts of his own self/history etc that drove his addiction.

Those in my support group circle during those years did have some stories of coming towards an entire marital recovery where both partners took those steps separately and together. Not without some serious difficulties to reach those points.

Even if they don't follow, at least I'll be well is paraphrasing the motto.

I used to be one of those guys who would leave my job trying to look for something else. I think it's a combination of feeling hurt by the amount of pay the job provides vs the physical strain we go through. My fiancée keeps reminding me it's a part of life. Always trying to find something that doesn't effect the strain on your body, good pay and the ability to live life after work is done. I get wrapped up in jobs I can't have because of crap pay so I sit there and play video games thinking the perfect opportunity will come if I wait. It's a terrible thought process I have. I left a job making 23 for one making 19. Sometimes I even get bent out of shape thinking about the jobs I've left. As long as she's there drilling it into my ear I think we'll be okay

Sometimes we feel stuck with a job and the only way out is out! And instead of using that time to properly get ahead in life we succumb to being useless, powerless, shamefull, etc. A job comes up and you've been out of work so you take it and the cycle continues... when she was on my case (which I do encourage) I preferred if she was nice about it. Comments like video games again? Aren't you doing anything with your life? They do not help.

And I was doing well last week when he was pulling this. I went to my happy place and told myself "this is a hole he's digging for himself. I can't change his mind so I'll just put on my smile and I don't care attitude. We have health and dental through my work so we won't lose that. Then he tells me he's not required to go in on Tues/wed because it's inventory and I had seen an email about how they were closed so once again was fine with that, yet I stayed home both those days because I wasn't feeling well. I could have gone in but wanted to give him a taste of my nonchalant attitude of not working. I however had time off to use and was getting paid unlike him. I could tell he was getting concerned when he asked me Wed night if I was going in the next day. I said that I was to which replied "me too". Funny how he gets all concerned when I don't go in for a few days but he feels perfectly fine taking weeks off without pay and making light of it.

Thursday is when I started getting really angry. He said he'd go into work yet I come home and find him there. Not only didn't he go in but he blatantly lies to me saying he went in to talk to his boss but he was busy so he came home and said he'd try tomorrow. That doesn't even make sense! You went into work after 1 1/2 weeks of not going in and then NOBODY expected you to stay and work because you just popped in for a chat??!! I was even able to find evidence he didn't go in. I barely spoke to him that night although he was being all lovey trying to get me to talk to him. Same thing next morning I barely said anything to him because I was sure he was going to stay home again. I was so upset that I stayed home. He rolls his eyes and laughed but he did get ready for work. I wonder if I had gone to work if he would have stayed home again? He goes to work and I start lightening up and speaking to him again and he seems fine with me.

In typical H fashion though he comes home that night all high and mighty and makes a big deal about how he went to work and everything was fine and he stayed all day and he didn't quit. Like I'm supposed to get down on my knees and kiss his feet and thank him for doing something that shouldn't be an issue! Every adult goes to their job! Why do you seem to be the exception and then need to be praised for doing so? Even throws out this random comment of "I told the guys at work today that if we ever got divorced that you'd be calling me up in a week because you were hungry". What the hell?! First off you casually bring up the word divorce with your coworkers and then are apparently insinuating that I can't cook for myself (even though I make half the meals around here) so I'd be calling you?! Is that your jab at me now? Because I wasn't saying much to you because you weren't going to work you turn that into how i must want a divorce because of the way I was acting and how all of a sudden I'm the one who must have an issue because you aren't doing anything wrong?! Now it's HIS turn to be mad at me! He does this every time that I get upset with him for pulling this crap of not going to work. He knows what he's doing is wrong, he knows I'm upset but sweeps everything under the rug and tries to be all happy happy and avoid the whole subject. Then when he finally does go in, he comes home like he's the manliest man for going to work and he was able to suck it up and go to his job and now he apparently has the upper hand and can withhold any affection or talk from me so I can see how he felt the past few days with me. I didn't do anything wrong! I'm not the one who doesn't go to work and doesn't get paid yet here I am being made to feel bad because I was so upset with him for doing that. Then I feel like I have to apologize and I don't even know what I'm apologizing for!!!

I get that. I just can't understand the mindset. I'm someone who has a job and I'm always searching online for some freelance work as well. So when he won't even go to his current job or has no desire to even really look for another jobs. I don't nag him anymore about it, nor do I comment on his hours spent playing video games. I simply get quiet with him and internalize my anger, which in turn just makes me miserable and makes me not want to do anything.

He's going to be 50 in another year and he can't stay at a job for much more than a year before he has to leave for another one. If he was 30 and doing this it wouldn't be bad, but at nearly 50 and no 401k retirement fund because he takes these crap jobs with either no or crappy benefits, he's going to have nothing. When he wants to leave a job ofr another one, which usually pays less, he'll try and upsell it to me by saying "Well the pay isn't that great, but I'll be a lot happier because it's an easier job with normal hours."

But the thing is that he will not have "nothing". He will be provided for in old age: by you.

If you supported him until now, then why would he worry about you stopping it? He doesn't need to pay mortgage or utilities or food because you pay for everything. If my husband decides to not pay his share (wouldn't happen but hypothetically), he'd be on a street like tomorrow. I wouldn't pay full share of household bills alone if he is living with me rent free.

But your husband knows that it won't happen. He is lazy (and is an addict and wouldn't seek help)but since you enable him, he has no needs to try.

So when you ask why is he not working, the answer is because he doesn't have to. He is being supported by you. Heck he even gets to drink vodka for free!

Ooh, he went to work for 2 days in a row, very begrudingly, and now has his 2 days off. Yup he had NO repercussions for not going into work for 1 1/2 weeks. In fact, he said everyone asked him if was finally feeling better after being in that minor accident he told them he was in that was keeping him out of work! Who in this world never loses their job after being out for weeks at a time, not calling in and with made up stories??!! How does he get away with this EVERY time?! He keeps complaining about how he likes his job but hates the BS that goes with it. He says even in the slow season he feels like he does more than anyone else or deals with a customer and tells them the service they want is going to be xxx dollars but then the owner comes out and tells the guy the service is half that amount and makes H look like an ***. It's always H getting the **** end of EVERYTHING. EVERYONE is out to get him. Oh and he sees nothing wrong with being out all that time because he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do for a job and I should understand that!

He keeps telling me all these other things he'd rather do like work as a cook, which lasted a day; work in a pot shop selling pot, which lasted a day; he applied for a job at his old company which he continually tells me he's glad he no longer works there because it sucked. So why did you reapply there??!! He has a draft in his email for a job as a machine operator, but it's been sitting there as a draft for 3 days now with nothing written in it and I'm sure he's never going to write anything or send it. The job is probably no longer listed! He keeps telling me how he needs to look for another job and how he IS applying for other jobs, but he's not. He applied to the one at his old work, but that's the only one. He just doesn't have the patience to LOOK for another job. He wants one that is just going to fall into his lap. No resume or application needed, because that's hard! I basically had to alert him to the current job he has because he wouldn't look.

Now last night he tells me he's going to talk to another guy at work and see if he can work in that dept. instead. If he says no, then he's going to ask his manager if he can just bring his tools and work in the back as a mechanic. If he says no to that then he's going to ask if he can be laid off and collect unemployment. Oh that's brilliant! Collecting unemployment requires more paperwork than working! Where we are you have to still apply for at least 3 jobs a week and show proof to the unemployment office. He just wants to sit and collect unemployment while waiting for this other job to open up which he swears he'll get, but that may not be for a few months. I say to him "So what, will you get like $300/week for unemployment?" He goes "Yeah! (like it was SO awesome) It's better than nothing at all." What the hell is your logic?? You are now bringing home at least twice that much every week and STILL don't have enough to help pay the bills, but you are gung ho to just sit at home and collect unemployment and play your video game day after day.

It boggles the mind. He was home 12 days straight without going to work and he accomplished NOTHING! He did nothing but sit in front of his computer day after day and play his video game. He didn't even leave the house to do anything but get the mail, and half the time didn't even do that! I've been home for 4 days straight and then was home for 5 days straight before that, with a day of work in between, because I was either sick or just so fed up with him not working that I stayed home to protest. I am going absolutely bonkers with not doing anything. I don't go anywhere because it will elicit some smarmy remark from him about how I'm SO bored I have to run off and see the pool boy or something. He has 0 desire to do anything. I look on Facebook and see all these people really enjoying their vacation and going places and doing things with friends and family and here I am sitting in front of the tv losing my mind while he happily sits in front of his computer. I started cleaning the blinds last night because I was so bored and he came out and goes "Are you okay? You aren't going to flip out on me because you're so bored are you?" I went to bed at 9PM on New Year's Eve and he flips out because it's only 9, but he's sitting in front of his computer and I had gone nuts sitting in front of the tv and even goes "Well I know you're bored". He knows just how bored I am but still doesn't want to go out and do anything. We did nothing for Christmas, nothing for my birthday and nothing for New Year's Eve. If I tell him that we never do anything he'll snap right back and me and go "Well tell me what you want to do and we'll go do it!" No we won't. There are several things I have brought up to you in the past which you think are silly or else you agree to do them but when the time comes you don't want to. That's why I never ask to do anything anymore.

He's missing the bored with the relationship point, isn't he?