Codependent relationship haunts me still

VanGore28 · May 25, 2017, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VanGore28

Thanks sopiesmom!
I would like to share some of my story even though its difficult and is like opening up an old wound.
I'm ready to hold out for someone special, I think I could handle a date.

So I will have to go back and forth but I never had a supportive family growing up. My mum preferred my brother and hated my biological father, I felt they both just used me as a pawn to get back at one another. I was ashamed of my father as he never worked all time I knew him, he had underlying depression most likely he lived in the past and felt sorry for himself had an inferiority complex. When I got my first full time job he just sneered and criticised me saying it was a lazy option so we fell out.
My mother had a fiery temper. Ill always remember when I got my exam results and she just ignored me. Her and my step dad tried to get me to join the army at sixteen . A teacher told them to save for university and they told me to **** off to the forces as I should thank them for putting a roof over my head. So u can deduce emotionally I never got what I needed . They drunk in the pub four times a night and never had money for me or sibling.
I had some fighting spirit in me and held onto the fact that one day I might be something despite the VERBAL ABUSE I endured. Its sometimes harder to shake verbal abuse. I have stories to tell but this is an intro. I need to go meeting friend but I will carry on later.
Thanks for the encouragement sophiesmom!

So my father joined the army at age 15. I don't know when he left but he was due to be promoted and what I presume was a jelous comrade smashed him up against a metal goal post and shattered his leg and he was discharged. Or so he told me. He became a welder and worked decent jobs then at some point had an accident and couldn't walk far because of one of his legs. But he was obsessed with the army, and lived in the past. But I wanted to get to know him to see where I came from. Plus he was so laid back and my mother and step dad were f$%king intense, I couldn't sneeze without them knowing. Hmm I wonder why I became paranoid during my meltdown. But back to my father. He was broken and bitter. Hence I have sided with my flawed step dad

VanGore28 · May 25, 2017, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VanGore28

"A person who says, "Stay with me because you're not good enough for anyone else." is the manipulator. That's the person who is orchestrating a charade. What orientation you are is kind of beside the point"

He was very manipulative and there were people who knew that. He would say I could never find someone like him like this was as good as it gets.

I felt desperately alone a sure fire sign it wasn't meant to be.

He'd say I couldn't handle a job with stress. and it was no wonder I had no friends left as I was in the psyche ward, it was easy to see why they left.

When I passed my driving test he just tried to put me off saying :I could drive the car but there's no way I could afford to fix it if I crashed so is it worth it. He really knocked my confidence. As he wanted me to remain a shadow of my former self.

"when your drowning you cling to anything to stay afloat."
This makes perfect sense too

I struggled to escape the stigma, I was so ashamed of my self. I couldn't hold down a job, I was dying inside.

All I wanted to do for six years was run away and never come back but I assumed responsibility like a respectable adult, paid my bills, and i soldiered on despite this huge weight on my shoulders.

But you can only fool people for so long...and others begin to sense that overwhelming sadness that surrounds the soul. why wasn't I out with friends and did EVEYTHING with him.

I tried to make him happy I really did. I tried to get him to join football team to find new mates to go drinking with. It wasn t my fault that he burned bridges with his friends. He thought he was a martyr for choosing me over them. One of his pals said he was glad we stayed together but the others must have disapproved or thought I was just a weirdo. So my ex would say I "gave him the life of a dog". When I was the one who would push him when he complained he was bored to do things.
He would try and say that I was the abuser when he took a newspaper home and slapped it in my face with a story of a woman who abused her husband. But its not in my nature. God I hate being the victim

It didn't help that I had a grudge against my family. I blamed them for me not going to university when I also made a choice to not pursue it. So when I moved out, they didn't say I was welcome back anytime and they converted the flat back to two bedrooms instead of three.

So when me and ex finally split up- I ended up homeless. I only left him because my granddad died and something in my head convinced me that life was far to short to live the way I was and I needed to go. I ended up at my grannies but she was impossible to live with. I bent over backwards for her yet all she did was grumble and ***** to people. I was never out at the weekend and people were getting suspicious.

I cut down my meds (I will never do this again) and my old symptoms returned so I ended up in psyche ward for three months and had to declare myself homeless and admit to staff that my family verbally abused me so I could get my own tenancy.

Recovery was a long long process. Today I have made amends with my mum and stepdad. I have a handful of friends, better than nothing. I am at college, as mature student and next year I may do an open uni course or art course.

Every cloud has a silver lining, but you may have to survive the hurricane beforehand

I timed leaving my fiancé by stroke of luck. I hadn't slipped up in my care job yet, and my grandfather, who was the most respected by me and my cousins had died. But I had to move in with my gran, nightmare.
So I concocted a plan - I would apply to college or university in Aberdeen or Glasgow. My boss got the impression I was training to be a nurse so that's what everyone thought. I just needed to get away. Yet I think I was still remembering the disappointment my grandfather revealed when my cousin graduated and he said "that could have been you." I could stay in student accommodation and get a loan and grant, pick up a part time job - easy as pie right?

Sunflower123 · May 25, 2017, 06:26 PM

Kudos to you for surviving and thriving. Best wishes for your continued success and you keep going!!! You've got this!!!

Rose76 · May 25, 2017, 07:15 PM

So where are you at now? Is anything going right for you?

VanGore28 · May 26, 2017, 10:11 AM

Currently - I have a decent social life, my teachers were impressed with my college work and thought I was well read, I have a seasonal job, my own flat, got lovely wee nephew I looked after when had time, my meds been cut down wooohoo I was pleased at this being able to manage my condition with less was a relief. Mood-wise my heads in quite good shape. All that's missing is a special someone but that normally comes when your not looking

VanGore28 · May 26, 2017, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VanGore28

Henceforth i became SELF DESTRUCTIVE, self sabotage u name it

So at 17 i ended up in a really risky sexual episode. It was part rebelling, part of me being self destructive, part because my friends bullied me for being a virgin. My friends always had their own agendas so we often split up. So i got speaking to a co-worker. He offered me a lift, we went back to another guys house. I was drunk and mentally messed up. Had sex with one guy and he said will you give my friend a shot. And reality hit, what did i just do, I'm in danger. But too late. This gut tried to force me into things but i was strong and i was a blackbelt so i fended him off and they let me be. I was so drunk id pissed the bed while having sex, i used to get in such terrible messes with alcohol. No drugs thank god. But word went round that id willingly participated in an orgy and the guy had actually recorded us having sex and i didn't know. Soemone said i should have jumped out the car. I was screwed up and this just made everything worse. One "friend" ahem, took great joy in calling me naïve saying i had a lucky escape. Where about six years later some guy went past me in the pub and shouted "slut" in my ear. This was partly why i left my possessive boyfriend and moved away.

I hope i don't get judged for this. But i don't want pity either.

And no my drink was not spiked. Was alcohol and one ecstacy tablet. I didn't tell the police i was raped even though i was deeply ashamed of my actions like many girls do. And i feel no resentment to theses guys who obviously have wonky moral compasses

It was a near miss I know but I read that people with schizophrenia before getting treatment often end up in uncompromising sexual encounters.
But one day on face book, someone posted a rape joke (put pepe le pew quotes into google and hit images see what I mean) and I laughed pretty hard and sort of cured my confusion. Like I had grown up

VanGore28 · May 26, 2017, 10:48 AM

Just like when I went to see "the girl with the dragon tattoo" and her social worker rapes her, in order for her to get some of her inheritance and she buys a tattoo machine and writes rapist pig on his chest and when she meets him in an elevator she goes "next time i'll tattoo it on your forehead" and I was the only person in the cinema that laughed but its the only good part of the whole film and I couldn't stick the first book, never saw the hype, maybe if I stuck with the story for longer.
I think it is because theres a running joke when someones trying to take the p$%s out of you and you go "have I got mug tattoo'd on my forehead."
Only Scottish/uk people will get this stupid ramblings lol

VanGore28 · Jun 03, 2017, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VanGore28

Henceforth i became SELF DESTRUCTIVE, self sabotage u name it

So at 17 i ended up in a really risky sexual episode. It was part rebelling, part of me being self destructive, part because my friends bullied me for being a virgin. My friends always had their own agendas so we often split up. So i got speaking to a co-worker. He offered me a lift, we went back to another guys house. I was drunk and mentally messed up. Had sex with one guy and he said will you give my friend a shot. And reality hit, what did i just do, I'm in danger. But too late. This gut tried to force me into things but i was strong and i was a blackbelt so i fended him off and they let me be. I was so drunk id pissed the bed while having sex, i used to get in such terrible messes with alcohol. No drugs thank god. But word went round that id willingly participated in an orgy and the guy had actually recorded us having sex and i didn't know. Soemone said i should have jumped out the car. I was screwed up and this just made everything worse. One "friend" ahem, took great joy in calling me naïve saying i had a lucky escape. Where about six years later some guy went past me in the pub and shouted "slut" in my ear. This was partly why i left my possessive boyfriend and moved away.

I hope i don't get judged for this. But i don't want pity either.

And no my drink was not spiked. Was alcohol and one ecstacy tablet. I didn't tell the police i was raped even though i was deeply ashamed of my actions like many girls do. And i feel no resentment to theses guys who obviously have wonky moral compasses

I just want to clarify i wasn't raped: I was meaning that I have heard of girls calling wolf because they have slept with someone and regretted it and I wouldn't do that. I was an emotional train wreck. I am not the only one to blame but I will withhold the whole story.

Rose76 · Jun 03, 2017, 09:30 PM

You've been through a lot. You seem to be able to look at the past dispassionately, which I think reflects emotional maturity. You can build on that. Have you ever found any kind of support group that was at all useful to you? I think you deserve some solid support in real life.

VanGore28 · Jun 04, 2017, 03:44 AM

I have searched for a support group but there is not one in my area. The closest one is in the city an hour and a half away

Maybe I should be ring leader and start up my own group!
I have friends who have been in psyche ward and are on meds and they cheer me up, their a great bunch.
I do not want a National Health Service doctor keep all my notes on file. The one I liked left when we had barely started so I don't want to start again.
I paid a counsellor for a while, and sometimes I think I have to let the wound scab over for a while, and not talk about the past as it makes me too raw and vulnerable. So writing every once in a while is cathartic. And I have a group of friends

Rose76 · Jun 04, 2017, 04:33 AM

I'm glad to hear you have friends, including ones who've dealt with psych issues. IMHO, that's better than a shrink and/or a therapist at this stage for you. On this side of the pond, pdocs do nothing but prescribe meds. I did therapy with counselors for years. There comes a point where that can stop being of any great benefit. I think "peer support" can be the best there is, once a person is not flipping out incoherently. You write well and seem to have an organized, coherent grasp of what you've been through and how it may have affected you. I see a lot of posters on these forums who seem to be trying to get their need for human conection met through seeing a therapist. They fall in love with the therapist, or imagine their T is their best friend. They spend days counting down the minutes till their next therapy appointment. I don't believe therapists are quite as special as people want to believe - like they understand life better than the average plumber or hair dresser. I've worked in jobs where I had professional therapists as co-workers. Some of them are as screwed up in their own lives as the average client they see. In some cases - more so.

An hour and a half is too far to go to attend meetings. So do make the most of the circle of contacts you have. I think a lot of what constitutes recovery from a troubled past is "social-rehab." By that I mean developing healthy relationships and improving how one interacts with others. Humans are social creatures. We really are, to a large extent, defined by how we are linked to others. I think most psych problems revolve around a sociability problem. In my case, I'm sure that's true.

One thing you mentioned above gave me pause. You seemed to say that you were bullied into behavior that caused you difficulties. I remember when being bullied had a narrower definition than how it is used today. It used to mean being coerced into something against your will by someone who had a power advantage over you. Nowadays, just being insulted is called being bullied. That really dilutes the concept into meaninglessness. Not every form of peer pressure rises to the level of bullying. It's not pleasant to be taunted, but taunts don't usually represent real coercion. So I think you might be over-looking some factors in what drove your behavior at age 17, by automatically putting it down to bullying. That might be over-simplifying things.

VanGore28 · Jun 04, 2017, 10:57 AM

But I think I bullied as many people, as bullied me, there lies the contradiction. I am ashamed of a lot of things I did as a youngster but I guess it was just low self esteem, plain and simple. I have made fun of people ok, hands up, guilty. I am not a victim, yet not perpetrator. Many things I did at 17 were a result of my condition, that is now more or less resolved too I know this, all to well. My recklessness was result of mood disorder. But in conjunction with outer influences.
Hm I never thought of therapist like that. Where I stay many don't even like their doctor, and ask for a different one or do not have much faith in our system. I have experienced this revolt myself. But yes I can see why a person would cling to what a doctor says with their, standing. I remember everything the doctor says, and if it makes me mad I will talk/write about it.
We are same here most just have a psychiatrist for their meds but no psychologist to speak to. There is a waiting list for the psychologist and you are not always referred.
With my condition and past I needed a lot of time spent away in almost seclusion. I had no other choice, my head was broken and I needed lots of time and space. Then slowly, taking baby steps I built up my social circles again. I had get rid of some before getting new ones and the in-between part is hell. I read a 1000 page classic novel I would never have done so if things ran normally. I discovered music that a teenage me would have loved and found it still moved me. I made up with my family. But we very nearly cut all ties, I just couldn't control the resentment at times. But they never hid how they felt so while I seethed, I learnt to pull up my socks and we are all quite close now, close as far as my family could be, so we get along.
Its sad because I would like group therapy. Because in one on one counselling I end up repeating myself and running out of things to say. I' d like to listen to others.

Rose76 · Jun 04, 2017, 07:25 PM

I hope you can find a way into group therapy. The way you describe one on one counseling is how I see it also. There comes a point where it us just repetitious. Or, even worse, it gets to be just reporting how your week went and venting. That doesn't constitute "working" on anything, in my view. But it's an easy no stress way for a counselor to put in a day. They sit there and listen. We feel gratified that we are being listened to, but here's what I found: I can get as much out of calling one of those psychics who let you talk and then make forecasts about your future. Some of them are really good listeners and insightful. Having honest friends you can bounce things off of can clarify your thinking. Having older women to mentor you can be invaluable, though often we don't have that. In my twenties, I had a co-worker in her 50s who helped me develop a better attitude in dealing with people on the job. Partial hospitalization helped me a lot because of the interaction I had with peers. I came to think they were more helpful to me than the professionals there.

I believe in owning what I've done and who I've been along my life. It's too easy to disown a lot by saying, "Well that was my disorder; that wasn't me. That's not who I am." To my mind, that's crap. I don't need to believe that I Am Guilty of Nothing. All bad things can be attributed to my "alter," or my disorder . . . or "The devil made me do it." That makes me powerless. I like to look back and decide, "Okay . . . I acted like a sh!thead when I behaved the way I did in March of 2007. So I now have a different way of handling a situation like that." That's me seeing myself as the person who is living my life. I make my own decisions. Sometimes I regret them . . . and change them. I did it my way. And I do it my way. I'm proud of some things and ashamed of others. I can live with that. I'll make more mistakes. I hope I'll discover when my actions are wrong, or foolish, and I'll change and correct what needs correcting. Some bad habits I'll never succeed in overcoming. My life is what it is and most of what it is results from what I decided at each step of the way. Some of my poor decisions were what I genuinely thought was best at the time. I had a lot to learn. Everyone does. Finding that I was wrong is not the end if the world, or the end of my self-esteem. Lots of things are My Fault. That;s fine. That's true of everyone. This world is quite a mess, and that's the fault of the people living in it, Including Me. I don't need some psychological theory that absolves me of everything.

I believe that if you spend enough time around professionals in the psych industry, listening to them, reading their theories, you can lose the ability to think for yourself. Modern pop psychology, to a large extent, in my experience, sells people on how rationalize away being responsible for anything.

VanGore28 · Jun 07, 2017, 11:03 AM

I have missed out a crucial incident. First week i moved in with fiance i did dishes. It came to lunchtime and i had a panic attack got in a right state. I had a hunch that i had left the tap on and i might flood the kitchen. I told my boss and run home all wound up and switched tap off. It wasn t till years later i realied i was scared of him.....

Rose76 · Jun 07, 2017, 02:44 PM

I wouldn't live with a man or a dog I was afraid of. Am I understanding correctly - that you are no longer in the relationship with that man who scared you? If so, that's a good beginning.

VanGore28 · Jun 07, 2017, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Kudos to you for surviving and thriving. Best wishes for your continued success and you keep going!!! You've got this!!!

Thriving?? I wish. I have scraped through by the skin of my teeth. I tempt fate, I bite the hand that feeds, I challenge authority, i sacrifice my health to push the boundaries. I self sabotage. People out there would be happy to see me locked up. I am a threat because I am a thinker in a world where extraversion is celebrated and anything else is an aberration.

VanGore28 · Jun 11, 2017, 02:26 PM

My ex fiancé would say the strangest things and deride me. If I ever stuck up for myself he would go in a little kiddy bully voice "oooh girl power...." like the spice girls and laugh. Made me feel rubbish about myself, I was never a feminist, I realise that in other countries girls don't even go to school, get stitched up and suffer so I have never felt like I could not achieve as much as a guy could. Except one time my father told me that physically there are things that a women will never do, like the marines corp. We are just not built for it, and I accept that. Even though my brother got more than me from my mum, my step dad treated us the same.
You will never see me at a pride parade i think it is superfluous and we do not need to be seen as separate but an integrated whole, love is love it is all the same.
Think people, it was only the 1950s that blacks were still segregated in America. It is not just being gay.

VanGore28 · Jun 11, 2017, 02:34 PM

Other things he would say that are very queer indeed. He would say" i love you jenny"....and in the same breathe..."even though you used to be a man" and he would smile like a shy schoolboy.
He would say that he took care of me.
He would say when we argued or i refused a cuddle "i am not like ...." but i had never spoken about my step dad. Maybe he had a temper and was strict. He punched through the window of the front door when he realised he could no longer keep me in check. But i had worked past my ill feelings for him by the time i moved in with freddy. It was like he was trying to appeal to psychology like i was using transference from my step onto him but it was not the case,.
He would annoy me when he would go aw you just need a cuddle, when i didn't want him anywhere near me.
After my overdose i had time off work. So f$%king what. If you saw the place and s£$t i did, in a room with no windows or ventilation, working on a steaming hot machine all day, you would need a break for sake of your health and sanity too. But anyway, i couldn't sleep one night so i came downstairs into the kitchen to make some toast because carbs help me sleep sometimes and he stormed downstairs, demanding i go to bed. I am like i have no work tomorrow, but he actually scared me, and i did what he said.
I had another schizo ditz, at that work and said "i never get time to chill......"

Unbrokensoulgeron · Mar 12, 2018, 05:07 AM

After reading your posts I think that the relationship was not quite codependent . On the borderline
Neither you or partner were addicts. He just made you feel like one. Psychotropic drugs do not make you an addict in no way shape or form

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