What is wrong with me...

I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking things and creating problems that aren't even there. It happens to me a lot. But I just can't seem to push these thoughts away and these things are bothering me.

First off, I'm in a long distance relationship. We've been together for 9 months now and are serious, very committed. We trust each other completely, love one another deeply. Yes, that can be very hard to do when we haven't met yet, but that is going to happen within a few months, which we are looking forward to so much. Finally. We talk daily, throughout the day. We are inseparable. And have been since day one. Even though at first we took it slow and didn't get too serious til after a few months.

When we first met, neither of us we looking, nor wanting a relationship. We had both just got out of relationships that weren't great, mine was more turbulent, and long term. My ex was emotionally abusive, and it was a very toxic relationship. His ended longer ago than mine had and they just weren't a good fit.

We hit it off so well with each other. We both felt like we knew each other, it was hard to describe, like our souls knew each other. We could talk about anything and everything, it felt so right. We have so much in common, same interests, music, values, etc. He is such an amazing guy, works hard, loves me just the way I am, romantic, very very affectionate.

And I love him. I'm very affectionate with him, romantic. I'm so lucky. I know that, through and through. But I worry. Sometimes, I feel like he is clingy. And almost demands, without actually saying it, that I need to text back within "x" amount of time or he gets upset, where if he doesn't, I don't get upset with him. I kinda feel like it's a double standard in a way, and yes, its been brought up and he says he is working on it and i do see improvement. But it still really grinds on my anxiety where if I feel i don't text back I'm afraid I'll possibly upset him. and sometimes, I just like a little me time. I'm definitely an introvert. I get very drained being around people, even through just texting..

And this may just be because as of now, its a LDR, but we are constantly saying I love you, I miss you, and I feel there isn't a need as many times in that many times a day. Like 10 times a day or more. At first, yes I was more than happy with this. But now, I get slightly irritated with it. How can you miss someone you just texted five minutes ago and you don't go a day without talking to? I understand though, this is our only means of expressing our affection and love. I just feel what we talk about now, is getting predictable and same ol' same ol'. I get tired of it. I hate that we have to be long distance. It really gets to me.

Some others things, I can be very monotone, not talk much. He is more extrovert and talks much more and seemed happy to in the beginning. Now he seems to think if I don't talk or if we aren't constantly talking, that silence has to be filled and I feel like it doesn't have to be. Once again, it ends up being things we've talked about before, predictable things. I kinda grow tired of it. I feel horrible about this.

I'm not sure I'm covering all my worries or evening wording things right.. I'm not very good at times with this.. I'm just curious if this is me overthinking and creating issues.. or if this is normal with LDR, or if this might still be present when we are together.. Or is this just issues I'm having? Did I get into a relationship without healing from my prior relationship? Am I getting tired of this relationship even though this is the best thing that has ever happen to me? What's wrong with me? I feel horrible for even writing this.. thinking this.. Please try not to be too hard on me.. I'm hard enough on myself..

Don't feel guilty for writing this or thinking this.

It's good to get things out in the open confidentially here.

I think quite a few things that you have touched on in your post would not resonate well with a lot of people.

I hear you on that texting 10x a day with the I miss you, I love you ... wow - overkill. LDR or not, everyone needs that "me" time that you mentioned. I need "me" time from my bf and we are not LDR.

The difficulty is that you are in a LDR and unfortunately the stats aren't as good for couples remaining together long term ...

In having said that, you have mentioned that there are plans on the cards to meet in a few months time.

That is all very well. But you will have to weigh up for yourself how much would really change, if anything, that irks you now in this relationship. He is clingy, based on some of what you have written, and likely would continue to be clingy even if you were living closer to one another.

As for the monotony I would gather there's only so much you can discuss before it goes round and round in circles because there is a massive dimension missing in your relationship that you don't get as you are in a LDR.

I don't think you need to feel bad about anything that you've written, you've got some very legitimate concerns.

As Crazy Hitch suggested, the problems that are appearing online come from his personality and so will also appear in person. He sounds like he tends to try to control you so that his needs for contact can be fulfilled by you in the way that he wants them filled.

I think that you are raising some legitimate concerns and I am glad that you are taking them seriously and looking at them with honesty.

When you prepare to meet him in person, I think you should keep an open mind. I would favor an attitude of "meeting him will provide more evidence on whether or not he can make me happy and be a good partner for me".

Thanks guys, I really like the outside input. Makes me feel maybe I'm not just over thinking and creating problems.. Hoping to hear some others chime in if they feel they have anything to offer. Much appreciated.

I have something to add, something that I've been wondering about. To me, it almost seems the relationship is just fizzling.. Like I'm losing interest. at first, it was so intense and amazing though. So I just don't understand why.

Now, what I'm curious about. My pdoc suggested he thought I may be borderline personality. And it seems to be very on point with everything. All prior relationships except the very last never lasted more than three months, all started intense, then I would just lose interest it seems.. Its not them. I just have issues. I'm still trying to find myself. I have no idea who I am. I feel like I have no identity. and that doesn't help.. Could this be contributing? There's much more to the possible BPD, which I intend to bring up at my next appointment.

I wouldn't blame this on bpd, not just yet anyway.

Of course its fizzling out if you're at the "same ole same ole" stage...

Nothing new or exciting is happening, its expected.

My bf went abroad for work, we make it a point NOT to talk / text ever day... Otherwise we'd run out of things to say and also fall into the "same ole same ole" trap.

There's only so many words in the dictionary you can say to each other, and if you're saying them daily, the well runs dry, it's the natural order of things.

I feel like its more than that though. I'm not trying to "blame" it on any conditions, just wondered if it might contribute. I know its natural for things to settle after the honeymoon stage, it becomes less intense. I can tell my feelings have changed to the point where I'm concerned. I was very happy at first with how clingy, loving, and how much we texted and talked. How much we said this to one another. Now I get irked and irritated at times. It causes me stress, and I wonder if I should continue this relationship. I feel lost. But then I worry if I did terminate it, would I always wonder what if and regret it. What if this is it? The one? And I just screwed everything up? Its so hard to explain how I'm currently feeling about it. I do love and care about him greatly. I don't even wanna reply at this point, I obviously just can't explain anything right. Can't ever get words out, can't express my feelings.. But whatever, what do I have to lose.

You mentioned you got out of an abusive relationship...it kind of sounds like you got right back into one. He gets upset if you don't text him within a certain amount of time, you have to text all day long, he is constantly clinging to you and telling you he misses you and loves you...and you two haven't even met yet...

I've done long distance relationships and online relationships before, and I feel it's very dangerous ground to get involved in an online committed relationship before the two of you have met. The way people come off in text and online is very different. Do you two talk on the phone as well or Skype? How old are you and how old is he?

He does sound very controlling and also very clingy. Also, it seems kind of premature to be out of the honeymoon stage at only 9 months of a relationship. If you guys are talking constantly throughout the day, every day, no wonder you are losing interest. There is no mystery any more. There is nothing new for you two to say to each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, it's not just a saying.

Considering you just got out of an abusive relationship, I would put the brakes on and lay down some boundaries for the relationship so it doesn't run away too fast. Tell him you will only text him after work or school or whatever. And maybe only when you have "dates." As in, you both schedule time to Skype on Friday night, and that's when you're going to tell each other everything from throughout the week.

You need time to devote to yourself where his thoughts and ideas aren't intruding on yours.

Good luck,
seesaw

Yeah I did. Neither of us were wanting or looking for a relationship but it just felt right. We got close pretty quick and knew we wanted to be together. I am 25 and he is 30. I don't work or go to school, I'm disabled. He works 4 days a week. We don't Skype, I don't like that. We talk on the phone everyday, text, I've talked to his best friend on the phone when he stayed there for a month when he was in the process of moving. We know a great deal about one another. Sent many pictures back and forth. I feel that the honeymoon stage might feel over because being a LDR there is only so much we can do and we've talked about everything, already learned everything about one another. I feel burnt out. I feel like if I bring this up to him though, he will take it very badly. I also feel like I'm mainly feeling burnt out maybe because of being long distance and not being with him physically. I wonder if that might respark things. I'm just tired of not being able to have him in person. Its a financial problem. If that wasn't an issue we would have met a lot sooner. I know relationships aren't perfect. I just don't wanna make any bad decisions and ruin a good thing. I get so overwhelmed with my thoughts and go back and forth with how I'm feeling about my situation. Sometimes I feel so good about it and then there are times I'm concerned and unsure. I wish I could express my thoughts and concerns better, I'm sorry if I'm confusing anyone.. My thoughts are so all over the place..

I wish I had a friend to sit and talk to about this in person :'(

I think that you may be going too fast. I understand how you can fall for someone you've met online and talk to on the phone. Yeah, I've done it a few times before, so I'm totally not judging you. These things sort of happen.

What I am concerned about is the fact that this guy seems to be trying to control you when he gets mad that you don't text back within a certain amount of time. I think this could just be the beginning of what you see in terms of how controlling he is.

I recall a story of a person who moved to another country to be with a guy she met online. The guy was mr wonderful online/on the phone. It wasn't until she moved in with him that she discovered how nasty and abusive of a person he was. Unfortunately this story isn't all that uncommon in that people can/do show one side of themselves over the phone and online, but in person it is a very different story. In many cases its not done with malicious intent, rather its just a function of not being able to fully see the person until you know them in person.

I strongly urge you to step back from this relationship. Please don't bow down to his demands that you respond to texts immediately. If anything, I'd stop responding. He doesn't own you. And really, when it comes right down to it, he doesn't trust you. If he needs to keep tabs on you 24/7, it means that he doesn't trust you when you're "away" from him so to speak. Could you honestly live the rest of your life always having your phone on you and having to respond to texts within 10 minutes? (or however long.)

As for this relationship up/down being a part of BPD? I don't think so. Its pretty common for relationships, especially those of the online variety, to be hot/fast at first and then fizzle out. It can be exhilarating to meet someone online and have SOOO much in common with them that you two are pouring your hearts out to one another before you know it.....but when you're only talking/texting, there's only so far that the relationship can progress.

I think that you're seeing red flags now. Please don't ignore these red flags. The right guy for you is going to trust you and not demand that you text him back within so many minutes. You are a free and independent person, and shouldn't have to bow down to his insecurities. The right guy is going to trust you and understand that you will respond to his texts on YOUR time. After all, texting is not urgent, and IMHO its ok to not respond right away unless you're in the middle of a back/forth text conversation and then its just sort of rude (as you would never walk away from any other conversation in the middle, the same applying to text conversations). And if it is a matter of you not responding to him in the middle of a conversation, then give him a "GTG TTYL" so that he isn't sitting there waiting for a response. (I have this problem with some friends who don't understand that just because its texting doesn't mean that its not a conversation if we are indeed having an immediate back/forth interaction.)

Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate your input and time more than you know.