Marriage separation after deployment

Hello Everyone,

I'm 35 y/o and been married a total of 8 years. I have 2 children with my wife 8/7. I'll try to keep this short as possible.

I am currently active duty military and met my wife in North Carolina. We have definitely had out ups and downs over the years. Right before I went on deployment in April 2016, my wife caught me messaging another female on the phone. The last year, she was in school and hanging out with her friends and became really distant to me, almost like a roommate so I done that stupid thing to get attention and it was totally wrong and I admitted that. We talked through it and I thought everything was good. I left 2 weeks after that on a 9 month deployment overseas. The first couple months I was out there we where able to FaceTime and it seemed like we where ok. Then my 3rd month till month 9 she never really talked to me or our conversations became really short. Come to find out she was hanging out and going out with a guy from her class. This guy is apparently married. So while I was deployed, I noticed she started going to the range and doing different things with this guy. She stated that he is like a "Brother" and nothing is wrong with that. She also stated around month 8 of my deployment that when I get back, it probably wouldn't be best to live together at the moment. She had mentioned that we needed to start back from square one and start dating eachother again. After being married for 8 years to this womn I was devastated to hear that she didn't want to live together. She had also mentioned that when I got back we would not be having sex. She moved off base into an apartment in which mybpictures where taken down instead of in my children's room, she took off her rings and she started to regain her self as of what she called it. I had asked her if she was having an affair in which she denied. She said she is focused on school and the kids.

The first night back from deployment, she asked if I could come over and watch the kids while she went to school and Inaccepted it. While I was there, I noticed a 30 rack of beer in the closet and cigarettes on top of the fridge. My wife has never been a beer drinker like that. I looked at her computer and noticed under her pictures that there where pictures of the guy from her class shooting pool at a bar. I noticed a lot of different things around the house. Another thing is she locked the door to her room.

Fast forward the next day, I drove by her house and that guy was on her patio and I talked to him, his friend and her. She blew up at me and said I had no right to be there and thatbI humiliated her. So I left. Remind you as well my kids said that they slept at his house with her and his wife was gone. They said she slept on the couch but why was she over there doing that? Why would a married woman do that?

So fast forward today, I mentioned to my wife if she wanted to go to marriage counseling to work our issues out and she said no. She said she is focused on the kids and school but not us. But she seems to have time to go out with this guy to do things but doesn't have time for me. She said that I'm a negative person and the way she talks to me now is so nonchalant, like she doesn't care at all. I think her friends are influencing her and she tasted life without me and feels it's easier....

Guess what I'm trying to ask is do you think my marriage is over?? I suggested Counseling but she rejected it. She says I had 8!years and now I'm just realizing I lost a good woman....I don't know what to do, I am an emotional wreck. I can't sleep, my heart is constantly pounding and this overall hurts me so bad. I want my family back but she doesn't want it..Can someone please tell me what I need to do? We been separated 9 months from my deployment and I feel that if I never left, non of this would have happened. Now that she has freedom to go out with this guynornhave him over, she is enjoying that life.

For the past month I been home, we communicate for the kids and she told me that she was going to invite me out to dinner but my actions have told her not to. I don't know wether to do the 180 or give up

I'm sorry

Your marriage is over.

Yes, she's had an affair.

Sorry. Just way too many red flags to ignore here when it's staring at us right in the face.

I'm so sorry that she betrayed you while you were deployed serving this country. I'm so sorry for your immense and searing pain.

Please consider speaking to an attorney so that you will be able to have regular, legally required visitation with your children. This is your right and also your children's right. Also, please consider seeing a counselor so as to have someone to speak to about the intense pain that you are experiencing.

Your marriage is over.
She had/ is having an affair. Just ask the guy he will probably be honest.

Get a lawyer, and stop punishing yourself for doing your job.
She knew what she was doing even to the point of waiting til you were deployed to move you out.

Personally I have a massive issue with this kind of thing so I am going to leave it there.

All the best, I hope you have good people around you to lean on.

I appreciate the honesty. For some reason, she doesn't want to be the one to file for divorce. I explained like an adult that if she wanted it to be over that she should go ahead and file. Her mom is oblivious to everything, saying to pray about it and leave it in Gods hands. She told her family she never cheated but admitted to having friends and having fun. To me, the friendship line and boundaries where definitely crossed. She told her mom that she didn't want a divorce but she didn't like the fact I kept her in a "Bubble" as she calls it. Yes I do get insecure and jealous but it seems like I have a right to feel that way in this situation. I don't mind if she has friends, but not the kind that want to hang out and do stuff like that. I am seeing a counselor for those issues so I can handle them better in the future with either her or the next relationship

Thank you all. She's telling her mother that she does not want to divorce for me, but that I keep her in a bubble and I run off all of her friends. Deep down I might be naïve, but I don't think she physically cheated on me, but I do feel she is having an emotional affair with this man. I am seeking individual counseling for myself to get over my insecurities and jealousy but I think it warrants it in this situation. It's hard to just let go of 10 years but maybe you guys are right. Hopefully I'll be a better person and a man with her or my next relationship

What would you and your wife think about trying couples counseling?

I brought up marriage counseling and she said "As of right now, my priorities are nursing school, work and taking care of the kids". She's told her mother she doesn't want to go back to the way it was (I realize I had faults in the marriage as no one is perfect) and that I needed to focus on working on myself. I admit when I came back from deployment I was an emotional train wreck for being gone 9 months and coming back to living in separate houses and dealing with a cold and harsh woman. She holds the texting thing over my head as a crutch to do bad decisions herself. I admitted my faults and asked for forgiveness but she said "I forgive you, but that doesn't mean we need to live together at this moment". Additionally I am trying hard to find faith again and do better things to show I care but she says I'm "Faking" them. It just hurts. I just don't know what to do and how to handle this situation with the little communication we have

If she refuses to budge then my suggestions are to continue with the counselor to work on yourself, and speak to an attorney to see what your options are and to make sure that you have regular contact with your kids.

I'mean really sorry that you have to go through all of this.

I agree with Bill3.

I'm sorry all of this happened.. you didn't deserve it

I'm definitely at fault for my part of mistakes..I just broke her trust for me and I feel she is doing this to show me she can do it herself without me. Her mom told me this morning that she told her this morning that she still loves me but doesn't want to go back to the way it was. I admit I could have been a better husband to her. Her mom said to give her space and stop being pushy cause it's pushing her away and it's making me seem obsessed, needy and controlling. I'm going to start with the 180 and not talk, but we have 2 kids which makes the no contact difficult. I want her to miss me...additionally, after going through my stuff she packed, I found the Bear and Message in a bottle that I sent her while I was deployed. That really hurt to see that and as if it didn't mean anything

My wedding anniversary is tomorrow. What should I do?

Do not ignore it! In some heartfelt way show her that you remember and that it is important to you.

She might blow you off, but she will nevertheless notice and take in that you remembered.

I sent her a card about 5 days ago that read "Thinking about you on our 8 year anniversary " she responded back with a text that said "Thx"....Don't know wether I should leave it at that or go with flowers

That was a reasonably positive response from her.

What are the pros and cons of flowers, and what are the pros and cons of leaving it at that?

Your marriage is over. I'm so sorry she did it like this and didn't wait until you returned so that it wasn't all behind your back.

Get an attorney. Protect your parental rights. See a therapist to help you grieve the marriage and move on.

So sorry.

Seesaw

Your right about the pros and cons. I might just leave it at that, the ball is in her court since I already reached out with a card.

Seesaw, what makes you think it's completely over?

I did not mean to push you one way or the other, I just wanted you to think about it thoroughly and from all angles since you seemed unsure.

What would you think of giving her a call?

Because she doesn't even want to do marriage counseling. She doesn't seem to want to do anything to save the marriage. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all.

Seesaw

I think she is hurt from me texting someone else a few weeks prior to deployment. She told me before that she would look at her picture to find out what she had that she didn't. I really hurt her and broke her trust in me. I believe I wouldn't be in this predicament now if that didn't happen. She would always bring it up in arguments and everything, still to this day. She said she forgave me but it seems like she hasn't. I'm not going to point the finger at all and say she is to blame for everything, even though what she is doing now is wrong. I had my faults and admitted to my mistakes. I'm just giving it time and I hope her heart heals from the pain that I put her through. I just hope that giving her time to miss me and to think about things will bring her back to our marriage and have our family complete again. I have to admit I hate what's going on now and I hope this is a blessing in disguise. All I can do is pray to God to get through this tough time.

Bill, since I been back, I only talked to her on the phone a few times for a few minutes. I haven't really made it that far in the communication process. All of our conversations is through text messaging at the moment. I am trying to do the Divorce Busting 180 and give her her space that she has been asking for. I have been really pushy since I been back and the wrong approach. She said it's making me look unstable, jealous, insecure and Physco. So I'm doing the exact opposite now and see what happens while working on myself. I just want to hold her so bad and to be there with her that it hurts. She was like my best friend and I miss her so much

I can see why you concluded flowers was the wrong approach.

Still, your anniversary is an occasion to consider saying some part of what is in your heart. What if you texted her some part of what you just said. Like maybe the last sentence just above?

I wish you good progress on your anniversary today.

Hi DadFMF,

If she felt that she was in a bubble, then she's giving her 'repressed feelings' major expression I suppose (?) - problem is, that's for when you are SINGLE.

She may even be one of those going through a crisis - not everyone goes through at 40+
Your marriage is over (version 1, that is) - if it is to be, it will - VERSION 2, but right now, it is healthiest for you to accept that it is over for your own sanity and well being re: kids.

These are her issues not yours, don't feel badly. You took ownership ... An adult would have sorted it out with you. Gone for counselling as you said. Something is up with her. HER. You do you.

This is your time to re-evaluate what you want & need FOR YOU. Use it! Be a good father for your kids. Feel as badly as you need you - you need to feel your emotions ... whenever you can.

I have had terrible days myself, I journal, walk do whatever I have to to get rid of the pain & I started exercising to take care of myself. Most days are better now, although there are some 'downers' - but thats reality.

You can't do more - beer? cigarettes? She's dealing with her own mess!! Let her.
You do YOU. I wish you the very best