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#1
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Hopefully this is the right place for this, I'm not completely sure. Anyway here goes nothing...
So I met my boyfriend Matt about two months ago. I moved in with an old friend in GA, who happens to be good friends with Matt as well. So we got to see each other every day, sleep in the same bed (the two of us were given the guest room). He's very sweet and caring and surprisingly mature for a 19 year old. However, I still believe that I'M the problem. I'm 24, never dated a younger guy so not sure what to expect. My last ex was 15 years older, so apparently this pendulum has swung aaaallllllll the way back the opposite way. LOL! I know age is just a number but there are certain things that are difficult to attain in a relationship when there's a noticeable age gap. Unlike the old fart, Matt and I grew up in the same generation, so for the most part we like the same types of music, movies, tv shows, etc. But... during fights he loves to throw in my face how much he's "in love" with me. Only, he chooses the worst way to do it: "I love you more than I loved so-and-so!" Oh great, so that makes now five? Six? Ex's that he was also "in love" with... Did he get started in kindergarten?! Cheese and rice, man! He's like Romeo, falling in love with every pretty face that winks at him! And I hated Romeo!!! I'm thinking that it's just too soon for me to say I feel the same way. I have severe trust issues, especially when it comes to men and dating, so unfortunately my brain is working against us... I just started getting used to having him around all the time, now he's gotta go and throw the "L" word at me?!?!" Talk about 'cart before the horse'... There are no horses in sight and the 'cart' is full of mushy sentimental Hallmark drivel!!! Gross! I hate this Casanova BS! It feels disingenuous, dishonest... When I hear guys say sappy lovey dovey crap this soon, I'm thinking, "Okay, does he really think I wanna hear this junk?! And what the hell does he want from me, anyway??" Now I'm back home, 1100 miles away, he's still in GA. It's creepy deja vu, cause ten years ago I tried a long distance relationship with a "cling-too-soon" guy from GA.... Needless to say it ended horribly! I haven't tried a long distance relationship since... But here I am, tempting fate once again. I'm such a dumb dumb. I'm not even sure I love the guy! I mean yeah I like him, I'm very fond of him and he's one of my best friends. But he's not exactly "my type", if that even matters... He's not ugly, but to me he's not exactly drop-dead gorgeous either. I don't picture him naked, I don't care to see him without a shirt on, I dunno what's wrong with me. Most of all I can't get over this one little thing: He is not funny! I've always been drawn to naturally funny guys (if it says anything, Robin Williams is one of my favorite people of all time). But sometimes I'll try to joke with him, hoping he'll catch on and try to make me laugh in return... And it's like we're speaking different languages! What's worst is when he tries being all "sensitive" and "romantic" when I'm hoping he'll make me laugh... Ugh! It makes me wanna vomit!!!! I hate that Casanova crap! Yeah I know some ladies would kill for a guy like that... well I'm inclined to say you can have him! One of my big rules for myself with moving so far away and trying to start over, I kept telling myself "don't get involved with the first nice boy you meet, you're in no place mentally to start a new relationship!" And what did I do? *Facepalm* I care about Matt, he's a good friend and he's very sweet. But Love??? Oh man I don't know... I don't wanna lose him completely, most of the time I enjoy his company. But we have very different ideas of what "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" should be/do/have etc.... We've known each other for two months and he's already started talking about what OUR kids will be like and where he wants us to get married!!! ![]() This is terrifying to me. I am the kinda girl who HATES romantic comedies with a passion! I detest love stories, they feel like lies that emotional sappy people eat up like ice cream. Romeo and Juliet were morons in my book (actually Romeo was a pedophile cause he was anywhere from 18-23 depending on the source, but Juliet was always THIRTEEN :O). Casanova is the ultimate creeper, I'd break his nose if he tried that garbage with me. Maybe I'm just at a point in my life where I wanna be single. I've had a string of bad relationships in the past 2 years (romantic and platonic-- double whammy), I'm tired of users and addicts who just take and take and take until there's nothing left for me! I've been selfless to the point of self-neglect for most of my life. I wanna put me first for once!!! Does that make me so terrible?? Sometimes I have to stop and think, "Do I like this thing? So-and-so decided that WE loved it cause separate identities are unconscionable to some really co-dependent creepers... But do I like it? I don't remember! Let's try it again!" To be honest, I'm glad we're 1100 miles away. His near-constant neediness was getting on my nerves. And his way of resolving EVERYTHING is telling me how much he loves me and he's gonna fix everything. I'm a first wave feminist! SHUT UP, Prince Not-So-Charming!!! I can do it myself, dammit!!! ![]() ![]() ![]() Sorry for the novel, I guess I'm just lost and ranting... I know I should probably break up with him but I'm worried he'll run out of my life completely. Sure he claims we could "still be friends if things don't work out"... But for most guys, that just means "I'm gonna try to get you back non-stop until you can't stomach the thought of being in the same room as me!!!" I guess there really wasn't a time where we were "just friends". I could tell that by the time I got down there and met him in person, he'd try anything to win me over. And I was right. He had "puppy love" written all over his face. He fell so hard, I actually feel guilty. I did everything I could think of to put the brakes on!! I highly doubt I "led him on"... I think he's been lonely for a while and he'd have fallen for the first girl who treated him kindly... So what would it even be like to be "just friends" with that kind of guy?? |
#2
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I think it's a wise decision for you to be single for a while...
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![]() str8uptruthandlove
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#3
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If you are only two months in and not that into him... maybe it's a kindness to break up now, instead of letting it drag on. You've identified some basic incompatibilities between the two of you. It's not anyone's fault, you just want different things/have different ideas about what sort of relationship you want.
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![]() str8uptruthandlove
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#4
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Having a long distance relationship with someone you don't really like sounds pretty terrible.
If you just want to be friends then you should tell him sooner than later. He's into you, so it's your responsibility to tell him how you feel about the relationship, IMO. As far as rants go, yours was a good one. |
![]() str8uptruthandlove
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#5
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Its good to put your thoughts down as it sort of organizes ones thinking & you can then go back & reread & rethink if its REALLY where yiu are TRULY at.
Honestly if I felt the way you do about him, I wouldnt even care about worrying about teying to keep his friendship....maybe acquaintsnce but wouldnt waste my energy on friendship either. Ok...2 months, not really knowing if you even like the guy & sleeping together with that emotional ENTANGLEMENT....probably not thewisest thing as it sort of leads theother person on to thinking there is really an emotional connection there when in reality there seems like for you there never was. I see a seriously dependent guy who would love to get you into a seriously messed up co-dependent relationship. Lol...Im way too independent...& have heard similar words come out of me. I made a huge mistake going from living with parents who were dysfunctional without my knowing it at the time to getting married to a totally dysfunctional guy not realizing thedysfunction becauseit matched that of my parents. We were the same age but young enough not to grasp that his emotional maturity was that of a child similar to my parents. I stupidly got married after knowing him 9 months getting talked out of listening to my red flags that hit me the month before the wedding & stupidly went through with it. All those things you talked about in tour post are HUGE RED FLAGS to any kind of relationship....LISTEN TO THEM!!!! After 33 years of staying married I finally left. The first months of being away (separated) I realized that I wasnt even thinking about him or missing him & that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" definitely didnt apply. As a matter of FACT I had NEVER felt more peaceful in all my life....realizing that the single life was REALLY the life for me along with farm living. I think your heart & mind are BOTH telling you this guy isnt the one you want to spend your time with & time spent with him is more ofavwaste than a gain. Let the distance be your division & from previous experience you can honestly say that ling distance relationships just arent something you want to do & you feel there are just too many big differences betweenyou forvavrealvrelationship to ever grow out of it. Im sureyou will gind a graceful way to back out of it without hurting or deviststing him & if hewas already saying "if things dont work out" sounds like he was sensing a possible lack ofbrelationship future anyway.
__________________
![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
#6
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Eskielover- I kinda have some PTSD issues I haven't worked through, so if I said "sleeping together" I mean it in the most literal sense - platonic bed sharing. Sex is one of those things I've always had a problem with... I feel like I've tried everything (except for ecstasy) but the panic attacks just aren't worth it anymore. In his defense, he was very patient and didn't push me to do anything physical (even kissing) unless I was comfortable with it. I'm not easy to be with
![]() As far as emotional maturity and co-dependence, I know exactly what you mean! My mother is the child of a former violent alcoholic (apparently Grandpa once took the family hostage at gunpoint on Christmas 40-something year ago) and her codependent mom. My dad is a child of divorce, who's often targeted by certain siblings cause their mom (my grandma, never met her) favored my dad and also used her "least favorite" son as an alibi when she'd go have affairs with random guys. So... I think I too just seem to be magnetically drawn to dysfunction. At least now I'm starting to see the red flags... |
![]() eskielover
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![]() eskielover
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#7
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I think that the kindest thing you can do for him is to let him go.
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![]() str8uptruthandlove
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#8
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UPDATE: I broke up with him via text. He's 1100 miles away and I don't have the gas money to go break up with him in person, it was gonna be via technology one way or the other. I may have gone into a little rant about why we need time apart and I wanna be single. I probably came across as a heartless, callous ****** but I did what was best for me. I could've probably been nicer about it, but honestly I just did it in a huge rush to get it over with, before I could overthink it and talk myself out of it. Sometimes no action is easier but staying with him only would've caused more pain for both of us.
Now I just feel empty and lonely and full of regret. But I stand by my choice. Good riddance! |
#9
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Good!
Keep reminding yourself of all the reasons why you've done this. Onwards and upwards ![]() |
![]() str8uptruthandlove
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![]() str8uptruthandlove
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#10
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Good choice...being that far away you really werent with him anyway & the empty lonley feel is just not having someone there, not because you loved him. Sort of loke a hole a place holder makes when its gone. You will find the right person in the long run.
I loved starting over 2100 miles away from the bad marriage I left. Lol...we look like the bad guy to anyone not willing to hear what we have to say about the whole situation & to people who dont want to look at the whole picture. Im sure your new start in this new location will be great for you.
__________________
![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
![]() str8uptruthandlove
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![]() str8uptruthandlove
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#11
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Hello. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us. It seems to me that you have a lot of hour thoughts and feelings of the situation figured out. Some phrases that you used that stuck out to me was "if you want him you can have him" or "glad we are far away". To me this seems indicative that you are very much so not wanting to be with his in a relationship anymore. Is this correct? I'm not going to tell you if you should break up or not. That is entirely up to you and what makes you feel the most comfortable. But if what you say is how you feel that you want to be single or that you just want him as a friend, then why keep him as a boyfriend? if he chooses to respect your choice to stay in your life, then great. If not, then what would your plan of action be do you think? (ex: finding people to hang out with to distract yourself) Do you think you may be holding onto this out of fear of not knowing what is to come after your breakup?
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#12
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I definitely made the right decision. He was blowing up my phone for a couple hours today. Ironically started by saying "I've moved on", attached to a pic of him in bed making out with some random girl. Gross! I didn't need to see that! He is disgusting, and I never found him attractive. I think he's trying to make me jealous but all he's doing is making me hate him more. And he's obviously not moved on, or he would leave me the hell alone!!! Every rude thing he texted me was like a pat on the back --- Good call breaking up with this creep, self! (Yeah I talk to myself, so what?)
Unfortunately where I am now is not "new". Back with mom and dad. Ugh. I spent all my savings getting down to Georgia, now I'm back in the same exact bedroom I was in before I moved. All I have to show for it is crippling debt, stacks of unpaid bills, and a lot of new unpleasant memories! I feel like such a failure... Anyway, if I hope to move to CA someday I need to start making money and saving money. I have all these great ideas, but severe depression and constant mood swings makes job hunting a little difficult. I guess it's hard not to feel worthless sometimes. I can't even pay my folks rent right now! I'd be homeless if my mother didn't love me so much. I feel so guilty for being a burden on them, especially since my dad was laid off before Christmas. Money's tight, and I'm just another mouth to feed, which they shouldn't be responsible for at my age. I guess I DO know what I should do. Get a job, find a new psychiatrist, get back on meds that will help me. Problem is, how??? Without health insurance to get meds, I can barely get out of bed most days. Slept until 5pm today, just cause I had nothing better to do and the dream I was having was fun. Very sleuthy, James Bond-like, sneaking around buildings like a spy. Certainly a much better adventure than I'm capable of when I'm awake, and cheaper than going to a movie. |
#13
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I wouldn't advise CA for someone in crippling debt, it's the kind of place you need money to make money.
I only say this cos a friend of mine, who has been trying to make a go of it out there fore the past 18 years, has finally had to leave up to his eyes in debt.And he was a long haul lorry/truck driver. Granted his ex didn't help. Anyway now he is 40 and in his friends spare bedroom. And I am not sure he still has his car even. By all means go, but maybe not put all your eggs in one basket. Go for a reccy, have a good look around, check out the price of living etc. Oh and do some fun stuff too....That doesn't involve getting involved. Best of luck, really hope you land on your feet.
__________________
I Don't Care What You Think Of Me...I Don't Think Of You At All.CoCo Chanel. |
![]() str8uptruthandlove
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#14
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I lived in Ca all mt life until almost 10 years ago. If you arent totally responsible & on a VERY TIGHT BUDGET you will end up in worse financial position than youvdid coming out of Ga. Cost of living is high & honestly the people there dont even know their neighbor. Its no place to find any kind of suppirtive people & I lived there ALL my life. Al least where I live now people are REAL & CARING I NEVER encountered that for the 54 years I lived in Calif. What good is a good salary if it all goes to cost of living?
Definitely get on meds. Most psychiatrists have sample meds the pharmacutical reps give them. Those are free & find a pdoc who will help you gwt stabalized that way. Yes it stinks being a burden on your parents but some day when they are older, you will be caring for them... the circle of life.
__________________
![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
![]() str8uptruthandlove
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