I already know the answer :( just need support!

To cut a long story short,. I've been in a long distance relationship with a guy that i am absolutely, head over heels in love with. I have even thought at times that he is the one and if i ended the relationship, i would live to regret it. When things are good, it's incredible, like nothing I've ever felt. But when it's bad, it leaves me confused and so down. Everything has been perfect except for this..... He has physically hurt me on three occasions out of the seven times we have met. (Can't meet often due to serious long distance!) The first time, it was a push to the floor, the second time, he threw me down the stairs and the third and worst time, (hard to explain) but he slammed a door on me and left me black and blue. Each time, he has been drunk and very remorseful. I know everyone who replied will say i need to get out. I'm sitting her because I'm devastated and i cant stop crying. I want to spend my life with him and i love him but i cant be attacked. Can people change? Will it just get worse? I'm so in love. I know I'm being naive. But i know I'm a good person who always wants to see the best in people and i tend to block out the bad in them. I can't keep going round in my own head, I'm so anxious.

You know what I am going to say don't you?

Once is too many, 3 out of 7 times and of that severity is a dangerous record which is only likely to get worse. Your life is in danger around him, because when he drinks he cannot control his anger, next time could be worse.

What will it take for you to see him as he is - not as you want him to be?

http://www.refuge.org.uk/

Please check out this link, there is a 24 hour helpline.

You know the answer, it's unreal that in the few times he has met you it has escalated so quickly.
You are in very real danger from this man. I am a little afraid for you should you try and get away. But you must.
And when you do you must stay with friends,somewhere he doesn't know.

It took my partner 3 years to escalate to the level of violence you have described happening in a matter of days. I suspect if you were living together you wld be an ER regular by now.

Please don't become another statistic.

If you want to PM me please do. You need someone with you to talk this out. Is there anyone you feel you can share this with.?
Please take care and stay safe.

You have all the support here you need.

This is not something that you can "fix". And likely if he's done it to you; he's done it to others in the past; too. And in a lot of ways I am glad for your own safety that he lives no where near you.

What you have described is not a little shove. It's a serious assault. And if he does it when he's drinking you have no control over when he takes it one step too far; you land up in hospital; or worse ... You asked if it will get worse. And I'm certain it will.

I have no doubt you're anxious. And I'm sure that he has admirable qualities which attracted you to him ill the first place. But this relationship is not one that is sustainable. Keep your distance.

I spent a year married to an abusive b**tard and Ieft.him back in 1999...I thought I had put l the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse behind me... Until May 2013 when out of nowhere and without warning I started having Gran mal seizures.... Turned out I have conversion disorder w seizure due to repressed memory syndrome from that relationship I ended in 99..
Take some good advice ...Get out now before ur too traumatized to ever recover

You know that the only answer is to leave him.

I completely support you in that decision.

When you leave him, change your locks, block him on your phone and on all media, and have a safety plan in mind in case he were to show up again. A women's shelter or women's resource center can help you put a safety plan together. You might even want to move.

Please leave him at once, before he puts you in the hospital or the cemetery.

His "remorse" will do you no good then.

If he were truly remorseful he would have stopped drinking and gotten whatever help he needed, for however long he needed it, in order to make absolutely certainly that it would never happen again.

When you leave him, and are wondering if you made the right decision, come here for support and affirmation that you did, in fact, make the right decision.

You already know the answer.. dump him, and I'm sorry for what you've been through

Thank you for all your replies. It's so hard but i know that it cannot go on and by staying with him I'm allowing it too happen! I'm ashamed to even admit that its hard to let him go!

Also, I've found myself thinking, if it happens one last time, I'm out! But this is the third time I've thought that now! If it happened again it would just carry on and i would think 'one more time' and I'm out, and never leave. The fact that i was left bruised so bad and in pain this time has taken the decision out of my hands.

Oh no. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. Horrifying.

His actions are waaay over the line of acceptable human behavior; doesn't matter what his excuses may be. He feels entitled to get stinking drunk? Unacceptable. He then feels entitled to harm you physically? Appalling -- and, likewise, he's committing a crime!

If a man is unwilling to keep me safe -- even from himself -- then that's a thunderous clue as to how much real regard he has for me.

I lived in your shoes for several years; was married to my abuser. And oh yes, the remorse and the pleading afterward -- and then the cycle begins again. I was quite young and very naïve emotionally; so for a long while I at least semi-believed him when he told me it was all my fault, and all the other shyte abusers shovel forth . Deciding to gtfo took a long time for me; he kept promising to change...Well.

You don't have forever to wait for him to be a better human being. Please, find a good counsellor or therapist --- you will need to heal a lot of emotional wounds.

Above all, please please be safe.

Strength to you, my friend.

Chyia, extremely concerned for you

Thank you for all your replies, it's really helped!

The next time, he might kill you. Get out now.

As you say this is the 3rd time you have said 'one last time' - you are smart, you are catching yourself - the very fact you are posting here shows you know the reality of this dangerous situation.

You wrote you are a good person who likes to see the best in people - you can still be a good person and see the reality of a situation, you can be good and wise and take care of your own safety.

Thanks once again, i know what needs to be done, just have to grow some balls to tell him now! :/

Fortunately he lives far away.

If a man got drunk and hurt me intentionally even once, I wouldn't be giving him a second chance. I'd be rethinking the 'I'm hopelessly in love with him thing'. I'd be seeing him as a sick guy with a drinking and women beating problem who could have been really great if only... maybe I'd tell him "If you ever stop drinking and beating on women call me".

How could you even give him three chances? What's going on with you that you'd subject yourself to that?

I really respect your reply! I think its because i have really low self esteem and always have done! I need to work on that for sure!

Please don't beat yourself up for caring, for hoping that this guy could be different. I was with my partner for 10 years,7 of those were pure bliss. It was a honeymoon period for the whole time.
Then he saturating his hands on me. It was a text book progression. Started with getting right up in my face, by the third year he broke my jaw, shattered All my teeth, tried to break my neck etc...
I hung on because I had 7 years of pure happiness and couldn't let it go.

It took him 3years to make that progression.Your man is over halfway there in a matter of days.

Your feelings are totally valid, and obviously there is something in him that made it worth giving it a try.
That person was worth caring for, however the person he is when he drinks is not safe, and you can do nothing to save him.
Please take very serious precautions before you tell him, abusers do not as a rule take rejection well. And distance can prove no object to a drunk when feels he is entitled.

Please have a number of a shelter to hand, perhaps call them in advance to explain your situation.
Be careful. I very much hope it turns out to be amicable, despite it all.
Take care.

Erebos has a good point about your safety.

It's my nature to be honest in telling him that you are breaking off from him because of his behavior. But, maybe it's wiser to say you are moving and become scarce on social media for a long time (or some other excuse).

I have low self esteem in somethings, too. Now is a good time to start by not letting men physically abuse you.

True, most women get trapped in it because the abuse doesn't start until they have kids with the guy, for instance.

This guy is over the top from the start. And, from this you've learned to watch for the signs and not fall into this kind of relationship again.

Hello,
I am sorry to read what you went through. How were you able to know that your seizure was linked to this abuse? Are you feeling better now? How were you able to release these memories?
I have never heard of conversion disorder so I am quite curious.
If you prefer you can send me a private message.
Thank you for any answers.

Happyhappy: get out of this awful situation as fast as you can. Otherwise I won't give you a year. Never ever tolerate any kind of abuse.

Thanks once again for all of your replies. My faith in humanity has been restored! I know what i have to do

I won't be what you expect and say simply that you need to get out. I won't lie and say whether I know if he can or can't change.

Fact: Right now, you and most everyone here probably agree that you can't be in a relationship that is with an abusive male.

Fact: Some people change, some people don't.

But if say he is one that can and would change, there needs to be the motivation for him to do so and you need to be in a place to see the change, where all the while you remain safe. That's why for now you do need to get out, with the thoughts of permanently breaking it off being the idea. The ONLY thing that will prove or disprove that he can change and would do this for the relationship will be when he actually sees you leave. Dont' say "if...you change" that leaves it too open. If he wants you in his life bad enough, your leaving without any caveats will convince him he has to. I wish many difficult relationships in the beginning forced themselves to go through this. It will be a test of his muster and his commitment to you. If he does nothing you won't lose anything and you'll probably save yourself from a lifetime of pain, and possibly literally save your life. If he changes, you will know.

I can only guarantee if you don't leave, he will continue the pattern, period and the longer you keep staying with someone prone to abuse the more often and more likely he will abuse you because they no longer have anything to lose.

7 times you have been physically near him and he has physically hurt you 3 times ?

What? Why?

Run ... just run as fast as you can from this POS

My take is you should never be okay with a man who physically hurts you and harms you. I realize feelings can complicated what you realize is irrational. I suggest if you're not doing this presently is to seek counseling on how to do what is right, most helpful to you. Gut feeling is he's a controller. I lived with an abuser. He was mostly an emotional-verbal abuser but there were times where he beat me several times. One with a broom handle Reason I'm telling you this is I too was madly in love with him. I wasn't just my boyfriend. He was my mentor Yet I finally wised up. May you do the same. My thoughts, prayers are with you.

Just checking in, how are things going. How are you feeling?
Wishing you all the best.

I am in two minds about this post, I agree with a lot of it except for one thing, oftentimes when the boundary is crossed it can't be put back.
What I mean is there are people who become abusive during a relationship, have never been abusive before and once they leave the relationship rarely if ever become abusive again.
I believe my ex falls into this category, I have no concerns that with someone else he will be fine.
However our boundaries are so broken that I believe without a doubt the pattern would return.

Recidivists however have never learnt any other way of coping, so with the best Will in the world they don't even know they can change.

What frightened me with the OP's post was the fact that despite hardly knowing her he was able to accurately calculate that she would not report him and was comfortable enough to escalate incredibly quickly.
This speaks of someone who is used to abuse, abusing and spotting victims.

This was why I was/am afraid for the OP.