I feel yet another friend abandoned me

Relationships take a lot of work & understanding & RESPECT on both sides.....Respecting the other persons boundaries is CRITICAL. Sometimes if the other person doesnt feel we will respect their boundaries they may feel it NECESSARY to take steps to make sure their boundary is enforced.

Depending on your response to Trippin's question might be why your friend might have felt it necessary to take the steps she did.

Some people dont feel secure enough to express their needs or boundaries verbally (or in message). Some feel that the conversatikn might be even more hurtful or the person would argue about it or get really defensive. Since you only know each other on line, you REALLY dont know each other personally other than what you have TOLD each other which is far from the full picture. It sounds like maybe she thought this would be the best way to set her boundry & guarantee it was respected for as long as she needs it this way.

I know with a new job & whatever extra work that may end up bringing home with her, add to that the demands of her OWN DAILY LIFE. Spending a little time on FB just checking in when she has a little time is a lot different than the amount of time that is consumed messaging with someone & she may have had several besides you. Protecting herself from being overwhelmed was probably her goal in making sure her boundaries were in place & had absolutely nothing to do with you unless she might have felt that you wouldnt have respected her boundary if she didnt do what she did. A lot easier for her than debating about her boundary.....setting boundaries is NOT abandonment.

Ummm actually there is a big difference in her asking for space and then blocking me vs not blocking me. The difference is that if she hadn't blocked me then that would suggest trust and would also have clearly shown that she's simply not up for talking right now.

By blocking me, regardless of whether she comes back or not, she did 2 things : 1.didn't trust me and 2.took away all power from me, took away all input I can have or not have in this friendship, this relationship that I too am part of. It also, as a nr 3. knowingly triggered me when she could have had the same peace without unnecessarily hurting me in the process. Now, whether she did any of that without realizing it, I do not know, but it's still how it looks as long as she doesn't give me anything else to work with.

And yes, if she had just taken 5 extra minutes to simply be clear and tell me what she wants and why, not in a super extra detailed manner but a clear, mindful one still, then I would have left her alone, maybe at most just ask her how she's doing once in a while just to make sure she's ok/show her someone is thinking about her.

Yeah, I'm about 100% sure she hasn't blocked other people because she said it herself I'm the person she talks to most and the only person she talks about her issues with in this open manner.

I think that, if she's planning to come back, she might have blocked me at least in part because if she's feeling bad she knows she's the one who needs support and isn't that fit to offer it and that makes her guilty(she feels guilty and bad in general when she can't help people or raise to people's standards) so now I guess I was on the receiving end of the aviodance resulting from that guilt, although I told her many times that she can just be herself with me and she can't let me down, that my only expectation is to be generally treated with kindness and honesty as long as she considers me her friend.

Other than that, it's all just general avoidance cause even if mentioning my own issues now would have been triggering, she could have simply said so and I would have stopped til she told me it was ok or asked or something.

I realize I might be exaggerating when I see her activity online and my mind automatically assumes she's just free now to have fun without having to worry about talking to me, but what she did was ambiguous enough and made worse by that block, and triggered me and it was not necessary to do it. Sure, I'm anxious about abandonment, I'm insecure about it and all that and yes I could be less fearful about it in general, but at the same time, I have always ended up abandoned, it was never in my head and i've never had a friend who didn't leave or use me then leave, so it's not exactly my fault and I don't deserve to be triggered when it was totally avoidable.

I think we all know that certain fears and effects of emotional trauma never fully go away and abandonment fears will never fully go away no matter what I do and I was triggered in this instance by something not quite insignificant. Don't I deserve a little compassion too, for people to be mindful of my needs and the pain I can't help or heal past a certain point?

Yes you too deserve compassion and kindness, but you said it yourself, you still would have texted her even after she expressed the need to disappear for a while... Even a checking in text is a boundary breaker, and with the type of guilt complex you describe her having, check in texts would have guilted her into replying...

So yes, her notification wasn't good enough for you, you expected more detail and reassurance that it wasn't about you, but the fact remains, had she not blocked you from texting, you would have disrespected her boundary.

If she dies come back, and you do forgive her for her failed attempt at notifying you, the blocking then probably would've played a part in maintaining your friendship.

My advice?
You're not doing yourself any favors by driving yourself absolutely batty over this situation.
There's absolutely nothing you can actually do about any of this right now, obsessing and ruminating is not helping you in any way, shape or form. So try and distract yourself as best you can, fill your time as much as possible (not with FB stalking) and don't forget to self soothe, its imperative while experiencing such levels of distress.

If she asked me to not even check up on her ,I would have respected that too, I'm not unreasonable or anything and I don't go around disrespecting people's wishes so all she really had to do was tell me. Yes, ok, I know, she's in a bad place but I still deserve compassion too since I'm not the one guilty for how she's feeling so her clarifying what she wants instead of blocking me without me even confronting me directly, is a bit much.

Really, she didn't even tell me she was blocking me, I only noticed it when I had written a response to ask what she's saying and it wouldn't get sent. I had to google to see what it means since it's never happened to me before.

I said it before, my friend has a family, she has other friends and her family is supportive. I have nothing, my mother isn't capable of being emotionally supportive and I don't have close friends, I have no one to really talk to. I have nothing except for this thread on this forum, that's all.

On top of it, I'm really struggling with loneliness. I've never had a partner, I don't even know what a kiss feels like and I've never had fulfilling friendships. I'm going to be 30 so that's a long time to be without any human comfort. My mom's a great person but she's unhappy and stressed and doesn't really understand me although she means well so she ends up making things worse because my sadness makes her lose her temper. So our relationship is weird. The closest thing to physical comfort I had in the past...years, is 3 hugs from a person I met twice in my life because I admire her and her husband's theatre work. So it was just hello and goodbye hugs yet because that woman is such an incredibly warm,nice person, that was somewhat soothing to me. Other than that, there's a hug here and there from my mom but because of our relationship I can't really be comfortable with them. I'm so lonely and it's like no one even understands that these needs are real and it's extreme to be so long without any meaningful contact and intimacy. And I fear no one will ever love me because of how I look.

So how can I soothe myself when it's all I've been doing for my entire life. I've soothed myself, all alone as my father was wasting away in hospital and when he died and I've soothed myself through every other abandonment and unrequited love and painful, harrowing loneliness. My needs never matter in the end and somehow I'm guilty for having them. I'm always so kind and I try my best but even when I feel there's maybe someone who can show me a bit of compassion and who can see me as I am and connect with me, it gets snatched away and I'm supposed to just keep going as always. I'm supposed to be in an amateur theatre play on Monday and I've had rehearsals all week, I've ridden my bike and watched tv shows but I'm in pain all the time, not sad but just so lonely it's like torture and feeling so abandoned.

Of course I'll forgive her if she comes back and explains to me why she did what she did. But she shouldn't have done it or at least she could have said she's blocking me only temporarily, but she didn't even say that. In the end, maybe I don't deserve love, maybe not all people who need some patience and compassion and a little support deserve love. But I didn't choose to be alive and like this, just like I didn't choose to be gender nonconforming and thus entirely to undesirable to hope to not grow old without experiencing love.

When I suggested distracting yourself, I didn't mean find additional ways to process this situation...

When I attempt this tactic, I don't even need other people, although its nice if they were available.

Engage in activities that have nothing to do with this situation is what I mean. You can still include your mom if you want to, like watch movies or go out and do something together, but the point is to distance yourself from the issues in this thread.

You can still vent here and stuff, but you need something else to be going on or this will continue to consume you.

My go to indoor distraction is a movie marathon or a series binge. Sounds lame but kills time fast, time that I'm not spending obsessing over something painful.

What I was trying to say is that I'm already doing that. I mentioned that I've spent most evenings this week at theatre rehearsal and that I actually do watch lots of tv shows, I ride my bike, I do these sort of things but even though I find enjoyment in them, the pain is still there with me and at the forefront.

I think that because I also suffer from this permanent loneliness and lack of touch and affection, lack of any physical, loving comfort, and that was already causing constant pain, now that this possible abandonment happened, it's even harder and it makes the lack of human contact and human support even more poignant.

I can't do it alone anymore and if that makes me weak or a bad person, so be it but I've gone through many things all alone and I've had no break from being alone like this, I've never had what I needed emotionally and I've no hope for it either and my resources are gone. This isn't "just" depression, my main problem was never depression, it's actual perpetual loneliness and constant abandonment.

And it's even worse that since I'm more fragile that usual, I have a harder time hiding my feelings and my fears from my mother so I start talking about my loneliness and from a simple statement she will end up going into full blown anger, shouting and treating me with zero compassion, treating my needs and my pain as if it's nothing but an exaggeration and also dehumanizing me by refusing to acknowledge that my gender identity and the masculine presentation it results in aren't something I can change.

I'm sorry for whining here so much but I have no one and nothing and it hurts so much, I barely slepe and last night I even dreamed of my friend abandoning me and being happy without me as I watch from afar.

If that friend felt the kind of pressure you have placed on her friendship can you imagine how overloaded she might have been feeling.

How much continual contact with her did you REALLY ACTUALLY have with her daily?

I get what you're saying. I have abandonement issues as well and I'm having similar issues with a friend of mine of many many years. We both have issues and depression due to life. We live 3 hours away from each other and we never had issues doing so. Then come December and I noticed him pulling away and being more distant. Our conversations diminished and I was struggling holding a conversation with him because I felt that our conversation wasn't flowing.
I decided not to say anything and today he told me that if I wanted to contact him that it would have to be trough his best friend because he doesn't know where life will take him but I could use this person as a middle person. This seemed more to
Me like avoidance and I way for him to answer and communicate as he pleases.

I think it's important for you to communicate with your friend and let your friend know your feelings. Let them know how important they are in your life and what you've been feeling lately. I think sometimes they need to hear it for whatever reason. This is what I did. Sad to say our communication is so poor that I actually had to text it. now all I can do is have him understand where I'm coming from.

For those of us with abandonement issues this is difficult to deal with. It only decreases the chances of us trusting others due to these experiences.

What pressure? Pressure to actually be a real friend? The pressure of my love for her as the best friend I thought her to be? The pressure of expecting such a friend to just not abandon me like that? Or if I have a friend, because I have these emotional issues, I should refrain from showing any kind of need, fears and require no support whatsoever so as not to be a burden and a bother?

It feels to me you are going to some lengths to excuse her behavior and take her side and just make me guilty at all cost. Yes, I have abandonment issues and I am a sad, lonely person who needs friends to also provide a bit of comfort and support and I have some anxiety. But with all my issues and fears of getting close to people, I am not the one who did what she did, I am not the one who purposefully chose to take the most painful route without even having the courage to wait for me to be online and tell me to my face why she is doing this or at least try to explain the gesture in a less ambiguous, less hurtful way if she means to get back.

What this is really telling me is I can't have any friends, actual, true friends, because that implies connection and mutual support and apparently since I have needs and problems I can only upset and bother people who are then entitled to leave me. It's fine, I learned my lesson, I will never again attempt an actual friendship.

I don't think I can put into words how badly what my friend is doing hurts me and no, it wasn't actually warranted. It's been almost 2 weeks and I am losing all hope and just thinking she is now free to have fun and live her life without me in it, probably not caring anymore when just last month she was saying she thinks of me a lot.

I already said what contact we had. Due to the considerable time difference, most days it was just messaging and depending on time and so on, a day or two could pass without contact but usually not more Live chatting for a bit whenever we happened to both be online at the same time. I don't see something outrageous about that, I have that sort of contact even with a buddy here in my city, who I can't even share things with and who I hang out with every week. Hell, there's a couple of random people on tumblr who I message back and forth with there virtually everyday about nothing important.

And again, had she just taken 5-10 extra minutes to just be clearer about what she wants now, because after all I can't read minds, I would have left her as alone as she wanted. She really just had to be clear about it and that she is not actually abandoning anything. She wouldn't have had to block me or anything. But maybe this is what she wanted to do, find a good excuse to leave, that would help her justify it to herself and justify the pain and damage she knew it would cause. I really would like to be able to ask her if she no longer cares and if she ever cared as much as she said she did. It breaks me to think she no longer thinks of me, that she doesn't care. She used to be interested in knowing about my day and if I was ok and now she did that hurtful thing but didn't check up on me in any way. She could have at least liked some Facebook post of mine or left me a comment, anything. She left me to suffer at least as much as she does and I will be understanding if she returns but I don't see how she could still be thinking about me..

Tomorrow's my friend's birthday and today is 2 weeks since she last acknowledged my existence.
I miss her so much and when something appears on my timeline, like someone sharing a video with her and her comment on it, it makes my heart ache, I can't stop but think now she's just fine and dandy without me and she'll never talk to me again. I'm afraid that tomorrow when I post on her timeline to wish her a happy birthday she won't even acknowledge that.

Yesterday was a big day for me and I wished I could have share it with her. I had the first performance of a play I'm in. I'm doing amateur theatre classes because I like theatre and to help with my social anxiety and we actually prepare plays and act on a proper stage of a small local theatre. Anyway, it was a big day and I wanted to share that with her and it hurt that I couldn't.

I hope she acknowledges you tomorrow and I'm sorry you couldn't share today with her.

She hasn't yet....

I'm so sorry hun

Nothing ever goes right... I guess it's just my fault for not getting the memo years ago and still hoping there's people out there who could genuinely love me for who I am and not abandon me. Never again though.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

"Friends" sheesh. I'd like to have one someday. Every time I think I've made a friend they abandon me when I really need them. Usually all I need is someone to just listen and act like they care, but apparently that's just impossible, at least to do it for me.

Regarding your gender non-conformity, here's an outside-the-box idea: consider getting involved in roller derby. It sounds like you'd fit right in. Of course it's a physically tough sport, and it's a bad choice if you have personal space issues, but they're very accepting of all kinds of women.