I'm not sure I was ready for marriage, but I want it to work and I'm working on that. I'm also working on finding myself. I thought marriage over logically and it seemed for the best.

I just feel lost right now about some things in my life. It's definitely not the end of the world, but it's hurting my feelings.

I'm starting to open up to the idea of making new relationships. I used to get along okay when I lived alone, but once I began living with my now husband, a lot of old wounds opened up that I worry he judges me for. I suddenly became more clingy and would get lonely and hurt if he seemed to distance himself from me. He's explained that he wasn't distancing himself at all and he just wanted alone time. But my constant need for reassurances when he seems distant is hurting my self-esteem. I want the old me back that lived alone and tried hard to see the bright things in life. I didn't care nearly as much about needing anyone else, and I didn't feel as sad over relationships.

I suppose I feel less lonely, but there's a new hole in my heart that's opened up, and I can't quite put my finger on it. It's filled with feelings of unrequited love and being emotionally hurt by someone else. I'm sure many of those feelings are irrational.

I feel like I'm constantly pining after my husband, and he seems to either not notice, be annoyed, or be receptive of these feelings depending on the situation.

Yet, he's rarely if at all pining after me. It makes me feel like less of a person.

I read a lot of advice that a wife should go out and make a life for herself, but that just makes me feel more depressed. I'm totally okay with the idea of getting emotional needs met by friends, but is that to say I shouldn't get any at all met by my husband? Whenever he distances himself and ignores me, I should do the same? The thought makes me cry. I don't want to distance myself in turn.

I notice that he doesn't go to me to get his emotional needs met. He says he does, but he spends more time talking to friends than with me. We do spend time together, but he doesn't talk much. Like this morning, he didn't say much to me and when I asked if he needed time alone, he said yes. But when he left he was talking to a friend online. He's explained that it's easier for him to talk to people online than in person, so to me that means online friend is easier to talk to than in person me when he wants alone time.

So, there's that. I think that makes me realize that I really am not that important to him. He didn't really need a wife. He has friends. Maybe having a wife makes his life seem more complete? Like, he has friends, but he has someone to be affectionate with once and a while, and to help support in a fulfilling way. Plus we physically support each other, so it's safer to be married.

He does say he loves and cares about me, and the only time I see strong emotion from him is when he cries at the end of our fights.

So, there has to be love down there. Why can I not see it until then?

We've gone over what things we do to show we love each other, and to be honest, my husband doesn't usually do a lot to show he loves me except occasionally he'll get up to get something for me so I don't have to. I do really appreciate it, at least. He's only bought me one gift before, so he doesn't show love through gifts (which is fine).

I need to realize that I misinterpreted marriage. I thought it would be having someone close you can trust, like a best friend, but that's not it. It's more like having a friend who's also a roommate. You've known each other a long time and always will live together, and be physically intimate, but being really close, good friends is optional.

I'm also trying to get myself out of the whole living with someone else put me in. I think I'm making good progress now, but it took a while. I'm finally okay admitting I need some alone time, and I'm much more okay with my husband and I spending the day mostly apart sometimes. I just became so scared of how much my feelings relied on him. I felt a strong sense of love towards him, while he seemed to have never gone through that phase. That fact used to hurt me, but now I don't mind it anymore.

Any other wives/husbands have gone through this?

Thanks a bunch!

Edit: I think some of these feelings are being "edited" by a depression I'm kind of going through. Things are painted more darkly than they are, but these feelings do appear once and a while.

[Rose76]

How much time do you spend at home? Are you away from the home part of the time at work or in school?

I think probably most people find that marriage is not what they envisioned beforehand. I'm touched that your husband gets weepy when you've had a quarrel. You must mean a great deal to him. It does sound like you are, maybe, overly dependent on him for emotional support. Truthfully, I haven't found that men, in general, are great at that. And the less you have some other source of that, the more disappointing the marriage will seem. Guys are just not into talking things out to the extent that women are. But then you say he relates a lot to people online. I would have a problem with that. I, myself, think that way too much gets invested in online relationships, which I think are pseudo-relationships.

It would be good if, as a couple, you two could socialize with some other couples. Be careful that you are not wanting to close off the outside world. Relating one-on-one too much usually ends up mentally exhausting one party or the other.

It's good that you had the experience of living on your own. You have resources within yourself. Plan some away-from-the-house endeavors for yourself, so that he has some time alone at home to miss you. Then he'll look forward to you coming home.

Thanks a bunch!

I'm home pretty often but I do leave for school and am away for many hours. I also like to go out by myself once and a while, and occasionally my husband and I go somewhere.

I do think I rely on him too much, but I'm learning and have been slowly becoming less dependent again. I have difficulties making friends, so that hasn't helped.

I'm glad to hear some validation on my feelings with him and people online. I feel like it hurts my feelings to some extent.

Thanks for the support. I do know that I've lived alone for a long time and learned how to be happy with myself, so I'm sure I can find that again.

I of course don't want to become completely independent and not need my husband, but I think some more independence would be great.

I agree that he does seem to love me a lot... I think he shows it through physical affection as well, and now that I think about it, he has been planning more time to spend with me lately. I can easily see him just not being able to talk out feelings as well as me, and if that's all it is, than it's nice to know so I feel confidant that he loves me.

Actually, I think the biggest factor in finding independence is knowing he loves me. I think when I feel he doesn't, I get very worried that my feelings are going to be negatively affected by him, or this whole marriage will go downhill, so I get needy of validation until I know he loves me again and can go off and do my own thing in the confidence that he loves me.

I think my biggest problem is trusting he loves and cares about me. I notice our marriage runs smoothly when I feel that way, and I'm more independent.

Even if he can't support me correctly when I'm feeling really down, just knowing he cares and the extent of his care usually is all I want from him and feel much better. When I don't think he cares, I get upset with him.

So, I feel I need to continue learning to trust him.

Oh, and I should mention that I do think I am important to him, but I think bad feelings fueled my comment on not being important to him. Oh, and the idea of marriage, too. I think marriage is a strong bond of trust and love, and the knowledge that you'll always have their back. I don't think a marriage should be like roommates... Not at all.

[Rose76]

You seem to have sound ideas about marital commitment, even if you entered into it with something less than rollicking enthusiasm. (I'm going by the last sentence in that first paragraph.) It certainly sounds like your husband and you love each other. You both are still in the process of making adjustments to the demands of nurturing a marriage.

I don't think you would be wrong to negotiate some limits on his online support seeking. This is a generational problem. Young men these days spend an inordinate amount of time online, either gaming or doing other things. They'll find out how objectionable that is, someday, when their kids are holed up in their bedrooms doing the same thing, rather than participating in the family. I'm not a believer in people who are in a relationship auditing each other's devices, demanding passwords and tracking each other online. That throws mutual respect out the window. At the same time, I would have little patience being left alone, while my partner goes off into cyberspace to get his need for companionship/understanding met. "It's easier to talk to people online than in person."?? Please . . . I'ld call that "testing to see if you're stupid." It would not be wrong, IMO, to actually designate time intervals when it's okay to be immersed in one's device. People don't get married just to save money on rent. It's not okay to become mentally absent at the drop of a hat.

Lots of us leave our families of origin with some unmet primal needs. The way you talk about wanting reassurance from your husband to enable you to be more independent reminds me of the way very small children are said to need to return frequently to their moms for security, so they can feel bold enough to explore being away from her. I think some marriages are strong precisely because that is where some individuals are getting a long unmet need fulfilled. There's nothing wrong with that. (My parents were not very demonstrative of affection. I wound up with a guy who loves to give hugs.) However, not all spouses are giving in precisely the way the other party needs to receive. Offering reassurance may not happen to be your husband's strong suit. That can be unfortunate for you. He should be willing to work on that, but he is who he is. Examine and compare how the two of you were raised and the emotional dynamics in your childhood homes. Some of us carry around an unmet need from early in life that, perhaps, no one can ever completely remedy.

I totally understand not having an easy time making friends. Same with me. But you absolutely must have friendship outside of your marriage, if you are going to become all you can be and not emotionally drain your husband. At the same time, I think that, in really good marriages the spouses are each other's best friends. You have a right to strive toward that.

It seems you're a verbaliser. Me too. Maybe our men aren't so much. But, with love, we can work around that. When he manages to reassure you effectively, praise him. People can learn.

[yagr]

I'm having a rough night physically and it is affecting my ability to think clearly. Please keep that in mind if I say anything offensive - I really am trying to help.

My wife is my best friend and I love her dearly. She is also perpetually stuck in a child ego state (see TA). When we met, that worked perfectly for me. I lived in an adult ego state - in fact, I thrived on it. I also spend a fair amount of time in a parent ego state taking care of a special someone. I have DID and a very prominent alter with whom I am co-conscious with nearly all the time who found a playmate in her. Healthy or not, it was a good fit.

The more time my wife spends in child ego state, the more time I spend in parent ego state and the less time I spend in an adult ego state. It isn't the parent ego state that finds her desirable. Just like a parent needs a break from the kids once in a while, I need a break from being the parent in our relationship. I do this by spending time alone. Others have other methods.

I am not saying that this is what you are going through...just that the insecurity and clinginess made me think of this. As I said, I'm in pretty bad shape right now so I'll leave it to you to decide.

[healingme4me]

Have you ever been a part of his online life?

I'm just tossing out a quick question and can probably add more in the morning. The replies so far have me nodding my head in a sense of seeing what they are trying to say.

My question is more from a personal perspective since I've found it adds a bit of depth to understanding where the other can go to mentally so to speak or vice versa. Sorry if that doesn't come out clear so late at night.

Thank you, Rose. I am okay with him spending a lot of time with his friends, but I do still want to feel secure in the relationship... I talked to him about this and I think we came to a good conclusion. Thank you. Hm, I took responsibility of myself on when I was 5. I still remember making that decision. My parents switched between abusive and neglectful very often. They had too many of their own issues to take care of kids. So it's true I'm trying to feel loved and validated in a way a child might. Thank you, this is very insightful. I'll speak about this to the therapist I'm seeing.

To yagr: Oh, I should mention that I'll look into the child ego more. It seems that it's normal to regress into it, and it's possible I'm doing that more than is healthy. Thanks again, yagr. I'm really worried I'll come off rude here, but I do take great pride in my independence, and don't expect him to take care of me. I think I'm just worried you may think I'm one of those woman who don't take care of themselves and expect a lot of money and time from their husbands. Those who don't take responsibility for themselves. I do love my husband greatly and wouldn't want to ever be like that, and I wouldn't enjoy it. I earn my own money, I contribute, I don't expect gifts or for him to take me out to restaurants, I don't expect anything fancy (or much at all), I understand his time alone and let him have it. I also talk out my issues with him calmly. For one, I take care of nearly all our bills, chores and appointments. I talked to my husband about this last night, and he said that I in no way act like a child and that I seem very mature. So I do find it interesting your wife is like that, and I'm glad your marriage works in that way. I don't think he parents me, though. I appreciate where you're coming from, and it would've been very eye opening if I was like that. I'm also sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I don't mean to come off as offensive.

Oh, looking up child ego state (to see if it fits), I still can't see myself not having an adult ego state (or just barely ever having it). I am open to the idea of not having it, for my own benefit. I'm always reworking myself to be a better person and better deal with issues.

To healingme4me: I'm actually not. I kinda have my own online life, and he has his. I don't mind this, though, since I like my privacy. We do talk about what we're doing online though, although we don't talk about everything of course.

Thanks everyone for your input!

[healingme4me]

I didn't mean to imply that sharing an online life was necessary whatsoever.

I'm just looking accross the table as there are two coffee mugs, two online activities, more like reading news stories or scrolling headlines-despite my replying to your post now and this reminds me of the days of paper hardcopy newspapers in the morning. Knowing deep down accross from me he's most likely thinking about the news and politics, based upon conversations over time. Before reaching this point in the relationship and due to distance and the how we'd stumbled upon meeting, there was a lot of this--interacting and having swam in the same online circle.

I'm comfortable in the level of emotional intimacy. And comfortable when there is comfortable silence, secure in that silence.

I'm discovering as well, especially after a chat with my own father about his current relationship. It's ok when there's not so many bells and whistles. After recovering from an abusive marriage, myself, that can actually be a sign of trouble. It's as though there is a lingering past echo that the ups and downs are a sign of love when it's more likely a sign of trouble.

[Rose76]

I'm a great believer in the concept of: "Be careful of the precedents you set." I noticed you said that you do "nearly all the bills, chores and appointments." I'll bet you're the one who is best at those things, and they get done better by you doing them, and it makes for a smoother running household. Maybe your husband didn't live on his own for a few years before meeting you and has some deficits in his household maintenance skill set. If so, get him up to speed to know how to do things and to, once in a while, jump in and do - to keep the acquired skills from rusting. You could get sick, or injured, tomorrow, and be incapacitated for a few weeks. Every adult needs to be competent at doing laundry, fixing some meals, sanitizing the kitchen and bathroom, shopping from a list, paying bills, etc. I happen to believe in gender-specific roles. I'm quite old-fashioned in that regard. All the same, though, life throws the unexpected at us when we least expect it. A woman needs to know how to hammer a nail and how to talk to the auto mechanic, just in case. A man needs to be able to do the things I listed, just in case. And skills need to be exercised now and then, so one doesn't forget how. Men who go into marriage never having learned to pick up after themselves remain perpetually childlike, in some regards, and that,'s not healthy. If you're in an academic program, that's much like having a job. So you being the old-fashioned housewife is stretching things thin. And, someday, there may be a child. Given your childhood experience, you may be setting the var rather low, in terms of expectations of him pitching in. Like . . . as long as he makes you feel well-loved, you'll happily do any and everything. Men get to feeling entitled to being waited on and picked up after, when that precedent has been set. Then your future son grows up with the same mindset, and you inflict a burden on some poor girl down the line. Watch the precedent. Mix it up a bit. Now and then say, "Honey, I need you to vacuum the living room today. My wrist is sore." Yes, a ruse may be needed, if you have him toyally trained to do nothing in the house." If you have, you need to reverse that. He'll also take pride in occasionally doing a chore. It may not be done as well as if you did it, but that's okay. Let him wait on you, once in a while. That's a great precedent to set. Some day, in the future, when you have a bad case of the flu, he can step up, and your bond will be stronger.

Thanks, you two. I hear where you're both coming from. More things to think about.