[psychgirl52]

I'm 99.9% sure that I'm lesbian. I've been with men and women before and only women really spark my interest. However, there are two problems with that. 1: my parents would disown me if I came out (no seriously, they've disowned other gay family members)
2: in an effort to hide my sexuality, I'm married (to a man) with 3 kids. Nobody knows that I'm interested in women and I intend to keep it that way at least until my parents are gone. It's battling everything until then that's the problem...

That is a very difficult situation to be in. I'm afraid I have no advice but I wanted to offer you gentle hugs and hopefully you find peace with whatever you decide.

[MickeyCheeky]

Wow, I'm so sorry You're definitely not alone in this situation..

[Molinit]

As a straight woman whose husband lied for years about his sexuality, I would ask that you discuss this with your husband. If mine had said when he began questioning, he wouldn't have wasted years of my life while he hid behind me and I was none the wiser. Terrible and selfish of him.

[psychgirl52]

Originally Posted by Molinit

As a straight woman whose husband lied for years about his sexuality, I would ask that you discuss this with your husband. If mine had said when he began questioning, he wouldn't have wasted years of my life while he hid behind me and I was none the wiser. Terrible and selfish of him.

So I should tell him and potentially lose my entire family to avoid being terrible and selfish. Cool, thanks for the advice.

[psychgirl52]

Originally Posted by Molinit

As a straight woman whose husband lied for years about his sexuality, I would ask that you discuss this with your husband. If mine had said when he began questioning, he wouldn't have wasted years of my life while he hid behind me and I was none the wiser. Terrible and selfish of him.

BTW I know that sounded sarcastic... it wasn't.

You could always do what an in-law of mine did who actually is gay and was giving all sorts of BS for it because my step father's side of the family is mostly heavy Christian and move to Japan and make all of your family who judges you based on your sexual orientation contact you through a lawyer.

Well maybe not that extreme but the point I'm trying to make is if you are lesbian or bisexual and people can't accept that part about you then they shouldn't have a place in your life.

You deserve better.

Originally Posted by Molinit

As a straight woman whose husband lied for years about his sexuality, I would ask that you discuss this with your husband. If mine had said when he began questioning, he wouldn't have wasted years of my life while he hid behind me and I was none the wiser. Terrible and selfish of him.

Agree with this advice to you, psychgirl52. You may also want to seek out gay support groups who can guide you through the process of coming out to your husband and children, and to your family members. You will find resources and people who can become your support system, who will guide you through the process and help you to facilitate communication with your family members and your husband and children, that allows everyone to have an open, honest, safe and supportive conversation with each other.

It's always better to just be honest. Be true to yourself, so that you can live an authentic life. And be honest with your husband and your children together, so that they can adjust to the change their family will undergo once you do come out to them. Definitely get a support system in place first, so that you don't do this alone.

[Bill3]

Do you see a therapist?

If not, I think that it could be very helpful to discuss your options with a therapist.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by psychgirl52

So I should tell him and potentially lose my entire family to avoid being terrible and selfish. Cool, thanks for the advice.

If you want to be "authentic," yes. And also if you hope to have a prayer of being friends with your husband later.

I can tell you I hope terrible things happen to my ex-husband because of how many years he cost me. He has tried many times to reconnect to be "friends" and I don't need friends like that.

Hiding and lying isn't a good way.

[Trippin2.0]

If the main motivation for getting married was hiding, and you pretty sure you intend to come out once your parents kick the bucket... What do you suspect your husband's reaction would be?

If your coming out means the disintegration of your marriage, don't you think your husband deserves a heads up instead of being blindsided? Don't you think he deserves a opportunity to find someone who actually wants to spend the rest of her life with him?

I get not wanting to be disowned, who'd want that anyway, but if my parents' love was based on the condition that I am heterosexual then I don't need that kind of "love"... I would want to surround myself with people who accept and love me for me.

Don't you want that for yourself?

PS. I would be pretty pissed off if my bf told me years into our relationship that he's gay and had known for a while, I'd feel betrayed and used, and yes I would think him selfish for wasting my time.

[Molinit]

Trippin, that's exactly why I have been and always will be angry-he told me he had known for years but it was too much hassle to be gay so ... really made me feel like crap, not to mention when it was convenient to be who he is he was told how brave and wonderful he was. Nobody asked about me other than how he was going to get rid of marriage, like I was so much garbage.

Originally Posted by psychgirl52

So I should tell him and potentially lose my entire family to avoid being terrible and selfish. Cool, thanks for the advice.

if you didn't want varied opinions on your conundrum, then why even start a thread?

Of course its 100% selfish to hide your truth (being gay) within the veneer of a heterosexual marriage - and one that you chose to produce children knowing that you are not heterosexual.

Not only have you betrayed your husband by marrying him when you knew you were gay, but you have betrayed your children, teaching them that shame is the better alternative when confronted with other people's judgement of whether or not you choose to live an authentic life. What kind of role model do you want to be to your own children?

Do you want to teach your children that they should be ashamed of themselves due to their fears of others' judgement of their choices, like you've been doing? Or, do you want to be a good role model to your own children, by showing them and their father (your husband) respect, by telling them the truth.

If you care more about what your parents and relatives et al think of you, then you have much larger issues to address with a therapist than the true sexual orientation that you identify with.

Either be a good role to your own children by coming clean with them, so that you can all transition into the new path together that your truth will set for yourself, your husband and your children. Or, continue to hide in shame, out of fear of judgment that has more power over your choices than you give credit for.

There are many resources that you could access to help you. Time to put your pride aside and do the right thing for your children, your husband, and for yourself.