Demanding an Apology

I wish my mother had just given me a heartfelt apology.

I am tempted to show her all the paperwork I have that proves she manipulated, used, and lied to me. I'd be falsely in hopes that she will see that she was wrong and at least apologize.

But she won't and that confrontation will definitely go badly.

I know if you have to demand an apology, it doesn't mean anything anyway, once it's coerced.

I'm just so angry and sad, having a hard time coping with losing my whole FOO to this BS perpetuated by my narcissist mother.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand the feeling. I'm having a time with my mom as well who is also a narcissist and a manipulator who never admits she's wrong or apologizes. She did something over the line yesterday and I'm about to post to get some advice about how to handle it. Unfortunately, these type personalities rarely change or see the error of their ways.

I'm so disgusted and crushed.

Has anyone ever sent their mother a flaming turd on Mother's Day?

I'm so sorry your mom is being a jerk. Do you think you should give it some time or confront her with it?

Tehehe. I'm sure it's been done.

It's been over two months since the big confrontation. Since then, I have called several times to try to discuss it, but she refuses to even discuss it with me. My whole family told me to get over it. I wrote them all off for invalidating me. Miserable SOB's, the lot of them!

[QUOTE=TishaBuv;5596102]It's been over two months since the big confrontation. Since then, I have called several times to try to discuss it, but she refuses to even discuss it with me. My whole family told me to get over it. I wrote them all off for invalidating me. Miserable SOB's, the lot of them![/QUOTE

It doesn't seem like there is too much you can do about it. Do you have a therapist who can help you process this so you're not tearing yourself up over it?

I have had problems with either my husband over the past 20 years or my mother.

I began SH (drug/liquor roulette and hitting myself) in my late 30's due to severe frustration with h over the same issue over and over (intimacy).

After a dozen therapists, I've had diagnoses of MDD, PTSD, and BPD traits.

I have stopped all the SH. I don't know if I believe any of the diagnoses.

I diagnose myself with AI- a**hole intolerance!

My h and I see a CBT marriage counselor. It's helped us communicate better and we are in a little better place.

I have seen a new psychiatrist a few times, who told me to find my own t, but I'm not motivated to do so. I'm only taking Cymbalta, prescribed by a rheumatologist for arthritis pain.

So, no, I don't even want to talk to my own t now. I'm just exhausted from all the fighting.

I have had some really difficult relationships. It wasn't just me.

I know there's really nothing I can do except accept my own mother is a POS.

It hurts so much. Just trying to self soothe.

Oh tish, I remember saying this to you a while back.
Your never going to get that apology , she will never admit she is wrong. Not even with her final breath.

Is there no way you can let her,it,everything go.

Compartmentalize her and all her shyt, into a box marked for 'incineration when the time comes.'

I Sorry our still going through this.

I don't do 'let it go' very well.

I hope venting here helps.

Sometimes I think your expressness about your feeling gives others words for their frustrations.

At least you guys will listen.

There actually is a web site that anonymously sends horse poop to the victim of your choice for rather cheaply (only $16.95!)

Here it is for those who are interested: Shitexpress · Send **** in a box to someone, stay anonymous, pay with Bitcoin/PayPal

If my mother wasn't dead, I would do the same thing.

Maybe I will plan a trip to her grave site and take a big wiz on it instead

Then don't "let it go" the way it is now... for you, obviously, that won't help you heal.

Maybe by writing all those things down as though you WERE going to send it to her will help.... but may I suggest that instead of writing it to her as "YOU" did this or do that...that you write it as "I have become so upset with you because I want a mother who..." or something like, "When I see you do..... it frustrates me because..." and share with how her actions over the years affected you and what you wanted from her...

....try not to blame her in your writing for truly none of us really know what our own parents have gone through or are going through and each of us react or respond differently to those events... (both of my parents grew up in abusive homes I've realized...tho they are long gone from this earth) You can share that you really don't know why she does/says what she does.

...if you don't attack her, she will be less likely to respond likewise in anger.

...don't expect any response. This is about you really, not her. It's all about your healing. Right now it appears you need to tell her how much you miss not having a mother?

Maybe you won't need to send it after all.

Be well. ((((hug)))

I want a mother who trusts and respects me.

She used to. I managed their store. I was entrusted and allowed some decisions.

I was even trusted as a teenager. I was left alone all summer.

It's really gotten much worse now in her old age. She doesn't trust anybody. She doesn't respect anybody. She's confused and making stupid choices.

I pleaded with the rest of the family, but they won't hear it.

She's been really stupid with her life. She manipulated me and my h financially in a really nasty way. Had she just been adult and honest (my dad too), we'd all be in a much better place.

I really don't miss her now. All she does is complain.

I miss who she once was. That woman is gone.

Not everyone will apologize. Not everyone feels obligated to do so. You won't get an apology from everyone who wronged you. It's best to just cut her out of your life and move on. Let her wallow in her own "filth" as it were.

You still love her. You are grieving.
I hope she finds peace soon; either before she goes or in the next life.

I am sure that if she has some kind of health crisis, you will rush to her side. From what you have posted, it seems that you know her better and have done more for her than any other daughter. Not that you are better than them, just that you do not have to feel guilty about taking a break from your mom's intense situation. I hope they eventually appreciate what you have done (They should). Try not to beat yourself up for your past mistakes about giving her money, etc--you did it because you loved her and were trying to help and because you trusted her (you were picturing the person she used to be).

So many people on PC have been hurt by one or both of their parents. I think JD is right that usually abusive parents were also abused (or came from a very tragic situation). You are lucky that you do not live under the same roof with her right now.

I think demanding an apology is correct whether the person wants to or not. Your parent should be the first one in line to apologize and set an example of doing the right thing. If they are reluctant, I would demand it.

People in general need to be held accountable for their actions. Perhaps no one ever demanded an apology from your mother before? Maybe it's time for her to learn something now? You deserve to be respected just as much as she does. Sometimes we have to take a stand. This may be the time for you.

My mother and sisters have insane attitudes about money. There is a rags-to-riches-to-rags family saga that made us all crazy.

No, my sisters do not appreciate my helping Mom. They are resentful that my husband earns money successfully.

One sister is a PhD, but hugely underemployed, so is her husband. They live with an impoverished mindset.

The other has a Masters Degree, worked a top Federal job, now retired. Also has an impoverished mindset.

They are hateful of money, success, materialism, capitalism, all that wealth represents. Their political views are radically left.

My mother was a child of the Depression. Grew up very poor. Married my father at 18 because her mother made her get out of the house asap.

The rags to riches story concerns my father. His father was very rich, my father was abused by his father, my father failed, 'cracked up', and died.

My mother was angry and bitter from the day after their wedding, when 'the rug was pulled out from under them'.

So, I, the daughter who did not graduate college, most likely due to ADHD, didn't even graduate HS, was worked over and groomed by my mother to be 'her last hope'.

She convinced me not to become a self-sufficient adult on my own, rather to find a husband who can, at least support himself, to give me an adult life.

I found one who could even support me!

So, in her eyes, I was the successful daughter, and she was more proud of me than the other two who didn't have support from their men, rather they had to work.

I had babies. I raised them. I cooked and cleaned. I was a bit of a fish out of water. I never enjoyed any particular lifestyle that you''d expect I'd have had.

Meanwhile, my mom had remarried my step dad, who was poor and couldn't support HER.

So, there came this dynamic in the family, that I was the 'rich' daughter, my sisters were 'poor', and somehow, I was to assume the role of 'money bags' for all of them???

Now, here I am, a woman with supposedly Borderline traits. No, my thinking on this is not faulty. The others around me are all the ones with the faulty thinking, too. My perception is dead on!

My h, has no sympathy for all of them. He thinks they're all lazy. They are all able-bodied and intelligent. They all could have worked more or worked smarter and made money. I completely agree!

I understand where my sisters got the 'moneybags' thinking. It was from our grandfather being the show off with the money, treating everybody. But, why do they think their sister is supposed to be in the position of their grandfather? In what universe?

There's a whole twisted dynamic. It is not made up and faulty in my PD mind.

Both sisters just keep calling Mom daily, listening to her rant for a few minutes, and doing nothing to help.

I feel like I'm the only sane one here!

At least my h and I are seeing this in the same light and are being brought closer together from the rift.

I can't just call and act like nothing happened. My pride just won't let me.

I can't get the apology I want from proving my case. It won't even be heard.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

Who knows why they call/what is in their hearts when they call her but if something happens, at least they are monitoring her. It is their "turn" to step up if something needs to be done!

You are sane; I agree with your POV.