Does Silent Treatment Mean "Go away and leave me alone"?

This only applies if she is officially has AvPD.

There can be many reasons to why she left… even ones that you’re not even aware of, or ones that don’t even concern or relate to you.

We can’t maintain close long term relationship/friendships.
It just doesn’t happen.
We never learnt how to, only learnt what it takes to survive.

I see that the small argument has been mentioned a few times.
I am willing to bet that she had tried to push you away several times before.
The small argument was just what was used to leave.

In regards to us manipulating people for control.
Thats incorrect to those who have AvPD!
Yes, there are other anxiety type disorders that do, but we don’t.
We tend to blame ourselves, aswell as taking the blame for everything.

Abandonment issues. In this case she left you, so a none issue.

Unfortunately its normal for us to push people away.
As very small children we had to push our parents/caregivers away because they were people who were supposed to love and care for us and didn’t.
We pushed them away and turned inward for self preservation.
As a result we never learned how to trust, how to feel safe in a relationship, abandonment and god knows what else.
IMHO I also feel that our DNA wasn’t going to allow our primary care givers/parents in… so in-effect we walled them out from day one.

So, when our AvPD is raised/triggered whatever…
We’re going to push people away just to reduce the stress to simplify the situation.

To contact her while she is like this will only trigger her, distancing herself further from you. She will likely make contact with you but who’s to say when and maybe as a friend only.

I am triggered by this thread and my comments.
I can’t even finish what i want to say. I know this is fairly rushed as i just wanted to get it out, so I’m pissed at myself for not running through every point for you. This is the best you’re going to get without me being very detailed and precise.
Just feels like i have short changed you…sorry.

Thank you so much Snap66. Far from short changing me, you've told me a lot, and I'm very grateful for the time and effort you made to respond, so I'm really sorry that my thread triggered you.

You're right in that the small argument wasn't the reason, but the opportunity to run. It was due to me shouting at her when she was being withdrawn and moody, which I never normally do, and was just cranky. I don't think it was a coincidence either that this was the day before her birthday where I had things planned. So yes, it was an excuse to leave, but similar things happened before, and she was easily persuaded, as though it was a need for reassurance after the initial anger subsided. This time the leaving was impulsive but, rather than make an effort to talk her out of it, I said I'd respect her decision, and so there was some anger after she moved out at me being so accepting about it. As such, once that passed and we got back to communicating well, I assumed it would eventually work out.

I agree, in that I've never seen any signs of manipulation, only genuine conflict and confusion caused by her own mixed emotions.

As for abandonment issues, she has often admitted to them, and would react to perceived signs of rejection. Yes, she did leave, but admitted in a vulnerable moment that she thought I may be losing interest in the weeks prior, so who knows if that prompted her.

All I know is that things were going really well, with lots of contact, fun, and talk of getting back together, until the exam problems, when she started to withdraw strongly.

I agree that contacting her like this will only push her away further and so, after being ignored at two attempts in two weeks, I've now left it for three. I guess it's knowing how long "like this" lasts. The easy option is to leave it to her to make contact, if and when she's ready.

However, if she withdrew again simply because she was a bit overwhelmed by everything, and so was just annoyed at my offer of space, then I know she'd be very nervous about making contact after ignoring me for so long, even if she wanted to, in case I'd moved on and rejected her.

Equally, knowing how she takes things, she could easily have misread my offer of space as my way of letting go and moving on, which could either make her just as fearful of rejection, or even angry and resentful towards me for any perceived rejection on my part.

So, I obviously hope you're right, in that she'll likely make contact at some point, but can't help feeling that it's up to me to let her know it would be welcomed. But then I don't know how such things work, and whether any fears or doubts, and or possible feelings of anger/resentment subside over time, or whether they grow.

In the past, when we split up over a year ago, we were talking again fine a month later, but we weren't living together then, or had got as close. So, I appreciate that the greater closeness this time, and mutual desire to make things work, no doubt makes things harder in the short term, as feelings were stronger. But of course I don't know if that's a benefit or disadvantage as time passes, in that do those good feelings get buried and fade, or do they resurface with time and space?

So that's my catch 22. Any contact too soon, and it makes things worse, as does the wrong kind, even if the time is right. Or, no contact, and leaving it to her, could come across as me having given up, let go, and moved on.

Hence my posts and questions, and the enormous gratitude, to you and everyone else who've been so kind to offer their thoughts and help.

So thank you again.

I must admit that after everything, I'm torn as to whether to be the one to reach out or not. It's not a matter of pride or ego, as it might be in any other case, and simply a matter of what's best to do.

In any normal situation I know the answer is to leave it to her. Even with someone as stubborn as she can be. However, whilst she's done so before, it was after days, and not weeks, and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be for her. I have no idea how it makes her feel, but I know she can shut things out, and at least hide it, if she wants to.

One the one hand I'm encouraged by those who've said that someone similar might be pleasantly surprised when someone doesn't give up on them, despite being pushed away. She's convinced I can forget and move on quickly. Equally, I'm just as aware that, whilst persistence may be welcomed when it's wanted, it can be resented when it isn't.

On the plus side, I haven't actually done anything wrong, and feelings and attraction were still there, despite any confusion. I haven't pestered or chased, and have even tried to be understanding, even if that might have been misread. But, until she withdrew, we were getting on really well.

On the downside, I'm aware that if someone wants to bury any good feelings, they will focus on anything they can paint as negative.

So, the optimist in me hopes that persistence may pay off, but on more pessimistic days I assume she's found ways to see me in a negative light, in order to move on. That's normal for anyone, and fades quite quickly. With her it's faded within days in the past, but I have no idea if, or how long that might take now.

So, in reality it's all speculation, as she could welcome, resent, or be indifferent to any contact. All I know for certain is that we were on good terms and, without any bad behavior on either part, we're now not. I also know, with almost absolute certainty, that behind the barriers she put up, regardless of how she feels about trying again, those good feelings still exist.

I'm also aware that there's little or nothing I can do to bring down those barriers, that's up to her. All I can do is either hope she can overcome any fears if they do come down, or find a way to show her it's ok, if and when she feels ready.

So, I can't help feeling that last part is up to me. It's been four weeks since I last reached out and was ignored, so don't want to leave it too long, but don't want to act on impulse or impatience either.

It's funny. Usually I never give things such thought. If someone's confused, unsure, or just not interested, then I leave them to it. I can be cocky, arrogant, and even selfish, and so just move on if something isn't working. I'd even do so now if she said she's done, even if I knew it was in anger, as I've done so before. However, when you haven't been told, and your instincts and experience of that person tell you otherwise, it's hard to know whether those instincts are still accurate, or just hopeful optimism. Sure, I want it to work, but can walk away too, but would hate to give up on someone if underneath it all they didn't want me to.

I suppose really I'm just thinking aloud, and gathering my thoughts, based on what everyone has said. Ultimately I'm grateful that such a place exists, where I can not only do that, but also get the views, guidance and support of those with experience.

It helps enormously, not just in working out what to do or not do, but in helping me understand things more deeply, and appreciate how tough it can be for someone with such feelings and conflicts.

Well, as I see it, you have nothing to lose at this point -- 4 weeks of no contact from her -- by sending her a quick email or text, to let her know your feelings and your decision (if you've made one). It's better to just tell her how you feel, if it's going to bother you that much -- the not knowing why she's been silent.

She should at least give you her decision. Does she want to stay together, or does she want to break up?

She owes you that much. To leave you hanging, in limbo, like this, is cruel (no matter what the reason).

So, I say, why not just touch base with her to ask her for her decision: stay together or break up. No one who has been in a relationship should ever be "ghosted" on like you have. That's just disrespectful and rude, no matter what her insecurities are. Manners are manners. If you don't want to be with someone anymore, it's best to just show them some respect with your answer. Does that make sense?
]
I would never wait 4 weeks for a man who ran from me, to give me an answer, because the 4 weeks of no contact technically *is* his answer.

I can't say that is true for your girlfriend since she has done this "ghosting" to you before, but to do it a second time, to suddenly make you an option in her life is just plain ol rude and disrespectful, without having had a discussion with you as to limits.

Like, "I just need a month alone, then i will call you and we'll get back together," or "I need a month, and then I will let you know if I want to stay together or break up," or "I don't want to be together anymore, " or "I do want to be together."

When someone whom you're in a relationship with, goes that long with no contact, usually that is not a good sign. If it is bothering you not knowing, (you have a right to know btw), then I think you should just contact her and ask her, "what do you want? I haven't heard from you in a month, which I interpret as you aren't interested in being together anymore. If i don't hear from you, I will assume that means we're through." Or something to that extent.

I think you deserve better treatment than the silent treatment. Just my two cents.

Thanks again cielpur, you're right.

However, before I could make contact to find out why she was ignoring me, the inevitable happened, and we bumped into each other in the street, as I was on my way out, and she was on her way home from work. On the plus side I found out why she's been ignoring me but, on the minus side, I'm still none the wiser as to why it's such an issue, and with seemingly no way to overcome it.

Anyway, when we met it started off ok, with cautious greetings, and how are you's, what have you been doing etc. I suggested an "awkward hug" and she said no, as she was in an odd mood as she'd been on coke, which isn't something she would do often. I said it was funny we bumped into each other, as I'd been thinking about her earlier, to which she half jokingly said I shouldn't think about her. So far, so good.

I said I was on my way out, and we both said see you later. I was happy to leave it at that for now, with lines of communication re opened, rather than get into anything on the street, and said it was good to her see her, and apologised for not being in touch these last weeks, but said I assumed she was busy. She said she was, but then she raised the phone call I made about giving her space, about 6 weeks ago. I knew all along this must have been what angered her, and pushed her away, but had no idea why.

I apologised and said I agree it probably wasn't a good idea, but tried to explain that I could see she was under pressure at the time, and that me wanting her back while she was busy and confused was just adding to it, and that I was trying to be nice by saying I'd back off and give her space. She said I shouldn't have called her at work to tell her that, and so I said I only did it then because I was going to be away for a few days, and wanted to tell her before I went. She responded by saying that was just me putting my bs on her (I have no idea what she meant by that), and that in any case she didn't want to discuss it on the street. I didn't know what to say at that point, as she was clearly in no mood to talk, and so we parted, and I just said sorry. She was clearly agitated and a bit angry by the end, but only because she raised the issue of what really bugged her, but didn't want to talk about it. I know this will now sit with her, and whilst we've gone a couple of months without bumping each other, I'm sure she'll now be stressed in case it happens again. So, it started out as naturally awkward, but then ended with her obviously still upset and angry about that phone call.

Because of how she reacted at the time, I always knew deep down that was the issue, but in all honesty I have no idea why, or why it's still such a big deal. My intention was to back off and give her space, as it was clear she was backing away, and so I thought it was a good thing. She obviously see's it in a completely different light, big enough to still hold a grudge about it. Of course there's no way of clearing the air on it, as she obviously doesn't want to talk about it.

If I'd done something bad, like cheating, or even constantly chasing her, then I guess I'd understand. But to be angry about a phone call, no matter how she may have interpreted it, and still be angry about it now, is something I just can't work out.

I'm now completely at a loss, as I'd give anything to know why that phone call was such a big deal, but of course after today I'm in no position to even contact her now, let alone ask. So, whilst I have part of answer, things are somewhat worse.

Next time, stop right here.

The apology accepted blame. Your explanations, though, are defensive and self-justifying. They reject blame; they say that you were right or reasonable to do what you did.

Thus, you gave her a mixed message. You say that you were wrong and are sorry, but then again you say that what you did was justifiable--and so she can reasonably conclude that you are not sorry.

This, I believe, is a main reason that she is angry with you right now.

There are two reasons.

1. She told you why. She said that you should not have called her at work. Maybe calling at work is not such a big deal to you, but it evidently is a big deal to her. Why can you not accept that?

2. You invalidate her when you do not accept what she says and start to defend calling her at work.

Your reason for calling her at work was a purely personal reason: it looked at the situation purely from your own perspective. You were going away and so you decided to call at work. Did you assess whether or not she wanted to hear from you at work? In other words, do you think that she would have cared if she heard this message from you at home, a few days later? This is what she means, I believe, by saying it was your bs that you put on her. Clearly she did not feel that your news justified a call at work. The way she sees it, you wanted to call and so you called, without giving any, or enough, consideration to what she wanted.

In these posts what I am hearing from you is a strong desire to have your justifications understood and accepted by her. This approach, as I said above, is invalidating. What this approach amounts to saying is that she is wrong to be upset because there are good reasons for what you did. But relationships are not courts of law. You might well win the battle of who was more right or more reasonable and yet still lose the woman. That is the course that you are on right now.

Another option might be to simply admit that you were wrong, and humbly apologise, and leave it at that.

In other words, Never miss a good chance to shut up. (Will Rogers)

I'm with Bill3 on this one, Robnew. You were fine until you tried to justify your actions to her. Next time, an apology without justifying why, is adequate.

Still, this doesn't seem like it was a very equitable relationship to begin with. Yes, opposites do attract. But it doesn't seem like this relationship has ever been smooth from the start.

My guess (just a guess)...

What you SAID was that you would "give her space". What she HEARD was "I am leaving you"...

And "breaking up" (even though you weren't) with someone isn't something done while at work.

That is how I would (and have, forever ago, interpreted that).

Probably, the more time that goes on, the more comfortable she is without you. What do you want to do?

Do you know what, you're all spot on. And stupidly I know all that, and what to do. However, it was never my intention to get into it then and so, when caught on the hop in the street, it's hard to put in practice. You're right, it was mixed messages, and invalidating, and I can see that now.

However, speaking to each other at work was never an issue before, and so ordinarily not a problem. Because of that it never occurred to me that was the issue in itself, and more that she'd somehow taken issue with the content of the call, and misunderstood what I was saying, as I thought she'd be pleased by it, and so calling at work would be fine.

However, Sophiesmom makes a good point. It's very possible (likely even) that she took it as me giving up. In which case it's not only something that might have upset her, but also totally inappropriate to call her at work about, and so naturally she'd be angry at both the (perceived/misunderstood) content, as well as the timing of it. Had she took it as intended, it might have been annoying, but not big enough to hang to for so long.

I suspected she might have misread what I'd said, but is something she'd never admit to, and so my "explanation" was largely aimed at trying to correct that misunderstanding. So yes, if one takes the misread interpretation, then I was wrong to call at work, which I'm aware of, but wrongly assumed that by trying to correct that interpretation I'd undo the damage. The thing to have done was apologise and shut up, and then hope to deal with the rest another time.

If it wasn't so frustrating it would be comical.

cielpur, if I'm honest, it was never really one sided at all. When together her issues only caused minor problems, which I was aware of, and they never really bothered me, and mostly it was a really good relationship. It has only been since, that things have got so haywire. I can now even see that much of that was my doing, by not being clearer, and then making things worse with wrong assumptions.

Sophiesmom, that's a tough one. I half assumed she would already be more comfortable without me now, and was prepared for that, as it's been a couple of months since we last saw each other and were on good terms, and that her silence meant she'd processed it and moved on. As such, I assumed our bumping into each other today would likely be as no more than friends. The best I hoped for was that she was happy, regardless, but the fact she's still so angry about that call, and doing coke at work, suggests otherwise.

It's therefore frustrating, as the core issue seems to be little more than a communication breakdown. Sure, in part down to her insecurities, but initiated by me leaving myself open to ambiguity. Followed up by me invalidated a justified (if one accepts her misinterpretation) anger, in trying to correct that ambiguity. The unfortunate thing is, that had there not been any feelings, then neither the content of my call, nor its timing, would have mattered. She'd have just shrugged her shoulders, moved on, and not been angry at all.

So, I guess I'm still torn, as if she knew the intent of my call, this would never have happened in the first place, and if I knew why she was angry, I could have retrieved it. Knowing what I know, and the fact that there are no reasons, beyond communication, that things are broken, then it's tempting to want to overcome that. Equally though, I can't see how I'd get that opportunity.

So, what I want is the same, but what I get is an entirely different matter.

Invite her out for dinner. After dinner, pick a place where you two can go for a walk, sit, have some privacy, and talk about everything. Might as well put the invite out there. See if she responds. What have you got to lose.

I think that you do not actually know this. You do not actually know what is on her mind.

I think that if you get the chance to be with her, you would be wise to listen.

In other words: Come in with no preconceptions about what has upset her. Simply listen, learn what is bothering her, say it out loud so she knows that you get it, apologise freely and sincerely, and do not defend or justify or your conduct.

Thank you both, your advice is both welcome and sound.

Whilst I know the destination would be fine, the journey is now becoming tiring as well as frustrating. So, before I do anything else, I think I need to step back and take a little space, to be sure of what I want, before deciding how to achieve it.

Sounds like a good plan Robnew. Relationships shouldn't be quite so complicated. Like I said, I think you deserve better and since the population of the U.K. as of 2017 is 65 million people, your odds of finding a more suitable woman are quite high.

Thanks cielpur, that's kind of you to say so.

You're right, but it's not just a case of deserving better. Looking back I can see how I complicated things too, by making assumptions and being ambiguous at times, instead of laying my cards on the table right at the beginning.

As a result, I've dug a hole and, what I do know, is that the only thing to do is stop digging.

I think you two are participating in a classic "push-pull" relationship, because of your girlfriend's commitment phobia.

There's a TON of information online about this type of relationship and how you two can navigate through it, if you really want to be with each other.

I think if you read up on what causes this type of relationship pattern, each of your roles in the relationship, then you can identify what you each need to work on, in order to reconcile and move forward.

Start reflecting on why you are attracted to this type of relationship. Does it allow you to stay at a comfortable distance from someone, so that you never have to be truly vulnerable with them? What are your priorities for a relationship?

Thanks again, that's an interesting point.

There always was an element of push pull, but it was mild, and went both ways. I think we both enjoyed an element of distance, but also the closeness that was always there too.

In many ways, her fears of abandonment were far stronger than those of commitment. It showed at times, but mostly she would push for commitment and enjoy closeness.

Ironically, the phone call was taken as a big push on my part, which blew things apart totally. In fairness to me, it was in response to her withdrawing, but she may not even have realised it, and I should have just ridden it out a little longer, as we were at least still communicating on good terms. Still, hindsight's a wonderful thing, but gets me nowhere now.

I'll also admit that I've become far more aware of such things since we split, and have a good grasp now on what to discuss and how to manage things. But of course that relies on being in the relationship.

In truth, I know I want it, and I even know she wanted it up until the last push, but is now withdrawn. Given that the anger was still there when we met yesterday, there's nothing I can do anyway till it subsides. The fact we spoke may be a catalyst to communication, or may just harden her resolve.

Like I said, I need to think before deciding anything, and if I still want it after that I'll drop her an email and see what happens.

I found this article by the Huffington Post about push-pull relationships. I don't know if it would help you to read it. But after I read it, I could see why what happened between you and your girlfriend did; based on her commitment phobia and your passive ambiguity. I do hope you can resolve this with her, whatever the outcome is. You need an answer. No one deserves to be in limbo.

Just trying to read back through the thread to see where Robnew said his girlfriend has "commitment phobia"???

Thanks, that was a useful article. I can see the similarities.

It's funny, but what I've learned is that it's completely upside down to any normal relationship. Usually, if you chase you push someone away, and if you back off and say you'll leave them to it, they almost always come back. In this type of relationship you have to chase, and if you back off too far they run.

I must admit, I don't feel in limbo, as the conversation yesterday felt like an answer. I guess I could have asked outright, but it seemed redundant and inappropriate at the time.

So now it's not limbo, and simply a case of whether it can be retrieved. It's hard for me to grasp as, from an objective point of view, it was just a misunderstanding over a phone call. However, it's never facts that count, but feelings, and when those feelings are coloured by abandonment fears they become harder to change.

Even words don't count to explain any misunderstanding, as they're only heard if someone is willing to listen. So, what I do know is that if I do get the opportunity to explain, it's because there's at least some desire to find a solution. Which has its pros and cons.

The optimist in me says that if there's still anger there's still feelings, even after a couple of months apart, whilst the pessimist says that stubbornness may prevail.