[RubyRae]

Someone that I have been friends with for the past 9 or 10 years,who calls me her "best friend" will be getting married this summer and did not ask me to be in the wedding.It hurts my feelings,especially when she calls to tell me all about her wedding plans(maybe I should say calls to brag instead of calls to tell me because that's how it seems).The last time she called she was telling me that someone that was supposed to be in it has declined.I was expecting her to ask me to because why else would she be telling me that?But no,she didn't.

She met the guy online and then he traveled across many states to meet her a few months ago and never left,now they're getting married.I haven't even met him nor has she offered for me to.She just tells me how great,wonderful and rich he is and how happy she is and all the plans they have for the future.She told me they already bought a house,moved in and brags about all the remodeling plans they have,how nice the house is.I haven't been invited over to see the house either.

She still calls weekly,still calls me her best friend yet all I am now really is a phone friend.I am seriously considering not attending the wedding and letting her tell me all about it on the phone if she wants.How am I her "best friend" if she doesn't even want me to meet the man she's marrying?Is she expecting me to show up at the wedding and then be introduced?Isn't that strange?She knows how upset I was to meet my mothers new husband about 7 years ago after they were married so I just don't understand any of this.

No,I won't talk to her about any of this if that's what anyone is going to suggest.I won't humiliate myself that way,won't tell her she has hurt me,remind her she calls me her best friend yet doesn't act like it.(Am I the only one that thinks this is strange?)We were talking on the phone recently and he asked who she was talking to and she told him my name,told him I was her best friend,you would assume he would want to meet me or she would want me to meet him.WTH is going on?If she doesn't want to be friends,if I'm not really her best friend,then fine,I can deal with that,but why call me and say we're best friends like she does?

I think I'm just going to start ignoring her calls and I think I will skip the wedding.Screw her,right?

Do you think of her as a best friend? If so then you should talk to her. Sometimes people are really just wrapped up in their own little world and don't think about it. Or perhaps there is something she has been meaning to tell you? If you don't talk, you'll never work through it.

If you honestly aren't going to talk, then ask yourself how you will feel if you miss the wedding. At that moment it's not about her or how she will react, it's about how it will make you feel.

Beyond that I have no advice, just hugs. I think it's awful that you are in this position and I would be beyond hurt if I were you.

[Trippin2.0]

Perhaps she is so caught up and talks about it all so much that it hasn't crossed her mind that you and her hubby to be haven't actually met...

Why have you not asked "So when do I meet the lucky guy?"....

It's something I would've asked as soon as my BFF told me about a relationship getting serious, so just wondering why it is that you have not expressed any interest in meeting him.

On the wedding note... I feel you.

I wasn't in my best friends wedding either, and it hurt to be left out, but she has 6 sisters, so there really wasn't space for me in the wedding party. Logically I should've been her maid of honour, not her twin (they're oddly not close at all) and it was me who helped her prep everything and helped keep her sane, but family obligations run deep, and it would've looked weird to not have her twin in her wedding.

Anyway, enough about me, just sharing a similar experience...

If you really value this friendship, the way it seems you do, then there's no harm in talking to her. You don't have to admit to any negative feelings if you don't choose to, but you can at least start a convo about meeting her future hubby... It might open an enlightening dialogue.

[MickeyCheeky]

I know you said you don't want to.. but I think talking to her really is the best solution. Good luck

[s4ndm4n2006]

to be honest, the truth lies in what she has done, not what she has said in the past. Seems to me, it's likely she uses the best friend phrase loosely. by her actions in no way does she think of you as such. No, especially when it comes to women, the true best friend of someone is always very involved in big things like a marriage..

I dont' know if you should talk to her about it. Depends on what you expect to get out of it. my guess is that she would be oblivious to the idea that she'd done anything to hurt you. I think she's likely a superficial person that puts on a face for people all the time. Superficial coming from the fact that she met someone online and after not a very long time, she is marrying him. Something's not quite right in all of this..

Just my take.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

She knows how upset I was to meet my mothers new husband about 7 years ago after they were married so I just don't understand any of this.

This seems important to me... Ruby have you fully healed from the effects of this earlier life experience? Or is there still a sensitivity present within you due to unresolved emotional energy connected to those circumstances?

[RubyRae]

Thanks for all the replies here,I really appreciate it.I read all of them earlier but wanted to think about it for awhile before responding(I hope nobody minds that I've quoted parts of posts instead of entire posts)

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Do you think of her as a best friend? If so then you should talk to her. Sometimes people are really just wrapped up in their own little world and don't think about it.
If you honestly aren't going to talk, then ask yourself how you will feel if you miss the wedding. At that moment it's not about her or how she will react, it's about how it will make you feel.

Sometimes people do get wrapped up in their own little world but I just don't really buy that.She talked to me about another friend that decided to not be in the wedding,complained about her,I doubt she's so far in her own world that she didn't think about the fact she was talking to her supposed best friend,she knows she didn't ask me to be in it,she knew she was telling me about it and any true friend should know that would be hurtful.

I think I would probably feel better missing the wedding than showing up and feeling awkward the whole time.I would probably feel bad about not going but not as bad as if I did go.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Perhaps she is so caught up and talks about it all so much that it hasn't crossed her mind that you and her hubby to be haven't actually met...

Why have you not asked "So when do I meet the lucky guy?"....

No,she clearly knows we haven't met.Before she met him in person she had told me she would bring him to my house the following weekend so we could meet.It never happened and when I asked her about it she had a vague excuse and then never mentioned me meeting him again.I didn't bring it up anymore,if she wanted me to meet him I would have.She talks about him everytime we talk,tells me all about him,she knows I don't know him.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I know you said you don't want to.. but I think talking to her really is the best solution. Good luck

Yeah,it probably is best but my pride is telling me otherwise right now.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Seems to me, it's likely she uses the best friend phrase loosely.

I think she's likely a superficial person that puts on a face for people all the time. Superficial coming from the fact that she met someone online and after not a very long time, she is marrying him. Something's not quite right in all of this.. .

I am thinking she uses the phrase loosely too,maybe like the people that always give the fake hugs and 'love ya' to everyone they're around.

Maybe she's not even who I always thought she was,I surely never would have pegged her as the type to marry someone she met online and doesn't even inow that well.

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

This seems important to me... Ruby have you fully healed from the effects of this earlier life experience? Or is there still a sensitivity present within you due to unresolved emotional energy connected to those circumstances?

Yes there's still a sensitivity present,and she knows this,she has heard many,many times how upsetting it was for me,so to me a true friend wouldn't do the same thing.We have shared our pasts completely with each other,all of our major past hurts,I would never do any of the same things to her that have hurt her so much in the past.So of course it's upsetting to me.
xxxxxxxx
Maybe all of this with her is because I wasn't very supportive of this relationship when I found out about it.I was concerned that maybe she was being played,that maybe he wasn't who he was claiming to be,maybe he didn't have as much money as he said,asked her if she's ever watched catfish,etc.I questioned all the "great" things she said about him and when some things just didn't add up I tried to encourage her to end the relationship.I was even more concerned when she told me they were going to meet somewhere and told her what I thought,how dangerous it was.When she told me they clicked,they really liked each other and then they were getting married I told her I was happy for her,and excited for her.(that's not how I really feel though to be honest.I think she's making a huge mistake,it's all happening too fast,but I wouldn't tell her that).

So you would think she would have wanted me to meet him right away to prove I was wrong about all my questions and doubts.

[Crazy Hitch]

WOW. I'd take major offence if I were in your shoes

Originally Posted by RubyRae

I think I'm just going to start ignoring her calls and I think I will skip the wedding.Screw her,right?

For the most part, do you enjoy your friendship with her? I am in my 50s and regret losing track of some of my friends. I still feel gratitude toward the ones who attended my wedding whether we still keep in touch or not. Doing this could sabotage your relationship. I agree with MickeyCheeky that talking to her would be the best solution keeping in mind that weddings put all sorts of pressures on the bride--sometimes the bride's families expect her to follow their playbook not hers.....

If she is otherwise a good friend, don't burn your bridges. It is HER wedding and she has her reasons for who will be her attendants and why. Rather than make this about you, if you really value your friendship, be a good friend, be supportive, and move past it. If this is just about the wedding, how good is your friendship anyway?

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Maybe all of this with her is because I wasn't very supportive of this relationship when I found out about it.I was concerned that maybe she was being played,that maybe he wasn't who he was claiming to be,maybe he didn't have as much money as he said,asked her if she's ever watched catfish,etc.I questioned all the "great" things she said about him and when some things just didn't add up I tried to encourage her to end the relationship.I was even more concerned when she told me they were going to meet somewhere and told her what I thought,how dangerous it was.When she told me they clicked,they really liked each other and then they were getting married I told her I was happy for her,and excited for her.(that's not how I really feel though to be honest.I think she's making a huge mistake,it's all happening too fast,but I wouldn't tell her that).

So you would think she would have wanted me to meet him right away to prove I was wrong about all my questions and doubts.

Your initial reactions about this guy may very well be the reason she decided to have other people as attendants. It is possible others were supportive of their relationship from the very beginning.

I would be pretty upset.

If you truly were best friends you should be able to talk about this.. I think you should move on.

[RubyRae]

Coming here today and reading this whole thread I realize how petty this all sounds,it looks like I wasn't asked to be in the wedding and now I'm just throwing a tantrum over it because things didn't go my way.That's not what it is.

I have been thinking about all this since last night and it's almost like she's a completely different person now that she is living with this guy.She is so different from what she was when they were just having an online relationship.I know people do change when they're in serious relationships,especially a new one,but not this much.I have not even had a phone conversation with her without him being right beside her,asking who she's talking to,listening to what she's saying,her explaining to him what our conversation is about.We don't have real conversations like we used to,we used to tell each other everything,good and bad.We called each other any time,night or day when one of us needed to talk to someone.We spent many hours talking about this relationship and she shared all the problems with him and I voiced my opinion because I was very concerned,because I care.I told her once they got together he was still going to be the same person,he wasn't going to magically change and that you can't change a person.

Today instead of being hurt for not being asked to be in the wedding I am very concerned about her.All I hear from her is how great this guy is,how happy she is,but of course he's always right there beside her when she says all this stuff.I haven't seen her face to face since he got here and have not got to talk to her without him being around.It makes me worry about all the what if's I had before she met him in person.What if this 100% change in her is because he's very controlling?

What if some of my questions and doubts about him are true and that's the reason she doesn't want me to meet him?She was all for me meeting him until he actually got here.What if he's not that great guy and I was right?

If she's upset because I wasn't supportive of the relationship,well she should be able to understand it was coming from a place of concern for her and not out of malice.

IDK,I'm just confused by all of it.Maybe I should just let all of this go for now and let it all play out however it's going to.Maybe I should attend the wedding and just wish her the best and keep my fingers crossed that things will be good for her.Or maybe I will tell her I would like to get together with her,just me and her and talk,find out what's really going on.Not sure which yet.

Thanks for all the replies here.

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Today instead of being hurt for not being asked to be in the wedding I am very concerned about her.All I hear from her is how great this guy is,how happy she is,but of course he's always right there beside her when she says all this stuff.I haven't seen her face to face since he got here and have not got to talk to her without him being around.It makes me worry about all the what if's I had before she met him in person.What if this 100% change in her is because he's very controlling?

What if some of my questions and doubts about him are true and that's the reason she doesn't want me to meet him?She was all for me meeting him until he actually got here.What if he's not that great guy and I was right?

If she's upset because I wasn't supportive of the relationship,well she should be able to understand it was coming from a place of concern for her and not out of malice.

IDK,I'm just confused by all of it.Maybe I should just let all of this go for now and let it all play out however it's going to.Maybe I should attend the wedding and just wish her the best and keep my fingers crossed that things will be good for her.Or maybe I will tell her I would like to get together with her,just me and her and talk,find out what's really going on.Not sure which yet.

Thanks for all the replies here.

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors unless she opens up. Try not to make to many assumptions--if you are wrong it will go badly. The fact that you are concerned tells me you are a good friend and really care. Just go to the wedding if you can. She will remember and appreciate it. Hopefully things will work out for her. When I got more serious with my H, I spent so much time with him that I did occassionally miss my friends. She may think about you and appreciate you more than you think!

[RubyRae]

Thanks.It's hard to not make any assumptions though and not worry.

I have decided I will go to the wedding.As far as meeting him and our friendship though,I am just going to let her take the lead on that.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Your initial reactions about this guy may very well be the reason she decided to have other people as attendants. It is possible others were supportive of their relationship from the very beginning.

I have to agree. If someone had the reaction OP did and I ended up marrying the person, I wouldn't ask them to be an attendant either.

Also, could it be a money issue? Are there big expenses to being one of her attendants that she thinks you can't afford and therefore decided not to embarrass you by asking you to be in the wedding?

[metalchick]

It seems like things really aren't roses and sunshine for your friend...why would you have not met him or been over to theor new house...she is hiding something...

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Molinit

I have to agree. If someone had the reaction OP did and I ended up marrying the person, I wouldn't ask them to be an attendant either.

Also, could it be a money issue? Are there big expenses to being one of her attendants that she thinks you can't afford and therefore decided not to embarrass you by asking you to be in the wedding?

Well I'm sure there are many people that would have reacted the way I did if they truly care about someone and don't want to see them harmed in any way.It is basically a pre-arranged wedding to a stranger she met online.

And no it's not a money issue,she knows I could afford it.

Originally Posted by metalchick

It seems like things really aren't roses and sunshine for your friend...why would you have not met him or been over to theor new house...she is hiding something...

I kind of get the feeling she's hiding something too.

Can I ask how this is a pre-arranged wedding? Is it a cultural thing?

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Can I ask how this is a pre-arranged wedding? Is it a cultural thing?

No,it's not a cultural thing and not an actual pre-arranged wedding.I said it's basically one because she had told me once they met in person,if they clicked and could get along after spending a week or two together they would get married.That was their plan,so yes,basically it was pre-arranged.

[RubyRae]

Thought I would update.

I believe what's going on is this man isn't everything he had her believe,I don't believe he is rich or any of the other things he told her online.I believe she is so desperate to have a man,to be married,that she's going to marry him anyway.

I believe she's trying to hide all of it and doesn't want to admit all my questions and doubts about him were warranted.

It's her life,she's free to do what she wants.I really do wish her the best and I hope it all works out for her.But her being so shady about all of this has me questioning this 'friendship' and I'm really not sure I want a friend like that.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Thought I would update.

I believe what's going on is this man isn't everything he had her believe,I don't believe he is rich or any of the other things he told her online.I believe she is so desperate to have a man,to be married,that she's going to marry him anyway.

I believe she's trying to hide all of it and doesn't want to admit all my questions and doubts about him were warranted.

It's her life,she's free to do what she wants.I really do wish her the best and I hope it all works out for her.But her being so shady about all of this has me questioning this 'friendship' and I'm really not sure I want a friend like that.

I agree. I was suspicious when you said she kept bragging and won't bring him to meet you or invite you to her house. Something's up. I don't blame you for questioning the friendship. Did you decide to go to the wedding?

[RubyRae]

Well 'supposedly' my invitation was mailed out about 10 days ago,I haven't received one though.

I really don't think I'm going to go,I think I will politely decline if I do ever receive an invitation.If I don't receive one,that's fine,not really expecting one anyway.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Well 'supposedly' my invitation was mailed out about 10 days ago,I haven't received one though.

I really don't think I'm going to go,I think I will politely decline if I do ever receive an invitation.If I don't receive one,that's fine,not really expecting one anyway.

I don't blame you. It's her loss.

RubyRae,

So this woman calls you her best friend, yet she doesn't let you meet her groom in person, and doesn't even mail you a wedding invitation?

Sounds like she definitely uses the phrase "best friend" very loosely; very superficially. I had a friend like this once. She wanted a phone friend in me, and refused every single social invite I offered to meet in person. We met through a mutual friend at the mutual friend's party. But she wouldn't agree to hang out with me in person; yet she had hours to waste talking to me on the phone. I never got to meet her husband, or meet her other friends because she never invited me out either. Eventually, I ended the phone-friendship with this woman because it was ridiculous the amount of time we wasted chatting on the phone.

So, that said. I would just downgrade this phone-a-friend to an option in your life. She's not showing you signs of true friendship from where I stand.