[Olive303]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I just moved to a new state away from my friends and family for him. We are in our early to mid 20s. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. I trust him completely, we have good conversations, have fun together, have a solid partnership, he has a good job, is intelligent, etc.

However he has anger issues. He gets set off by small things (like plans changing) and ends up disproportionately angry to the situation. His anger also lasts for long periods of time. He is not violent, and does not call me names or anything. He doesn't yell much, he just raises his voice or gets visibly angry and withdraws without being willing to even talk about it. When he is angry it makes everything really tense and difficult. He knows he has issues and apologizes after an episode but it doesn't change. However I haven't sat down and talked to him about how I feel about this yet.
My mom and sister came out to visit me in my new state and he got upset a few times but denied that he was upset even though the tension could be felt by everyone in the room. He raised his voice at me in front of my mom and when I called him out he said he was not angry. After this my mom, who always loved him has said that she does not want me to be with him anymore and wants me to come home. Her and my sister no longer like him and they pointed out a lot of flaws in him. However I know this is a decision I want to make on my own and I have struggled with his anger before.

I love him but these issues have put a barrier in our relationship and I am wondering what can be done about it. We have talked about a future together but I wonder if this is a deal breaker. Any insight or advice is appreciated.

[Sunflower123]

Is he willing to seek help for his anger issues?

Reading your post reminded me a lot of my ex that I broke up with just over a month ago. He had anger issues that really affected my mood negatively, even though he wasn't being abusive in any way. It was one of the major reasons I broke it off. We were together almost 3 years and that gave him a lot of time to change but he ultimately didn't work hard enough at changing.

If he is willing to do the work to overcome his anger issues, then I'd suggest giving him another chance. If not, you'll need to evaluate the pros and cons of this relationship and decide if it's worth staying in. I wish you all the best.

[Bill3]

The fact that your mother and sister used to love him and now want you to move home says a lot to me. Now that you moved away with him, how is he different from how he was at home?

What flaws do they see in him?

You said that he stays angry for long periods of time. How long?

You can expect that he is on his "best behavior" with you now, before you are married. If he does nothing to change, you can expect him to get worse if you decide to marry him.

[Hairball]

I am confused, please set me straight....lol.
You dated him for 3yrs and then u moved to the state he was living in. So u were in a long distance relationship? or did u meet online?
U went from dating to living together when u moved?

Is this the first time in the relationship he has showed his anger?

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Hairball

I am confused, please set me straight....lol.
You dated him for 3yrs and then u moved to the state he was living in. So u were in a long distance relationship? or did u meet online?
U went from dating to living together when u moved?

Is this the first time in the relationship he has showed his anger?

We met in my home state and started our relationship there. Then he moved to another state and after a year of long distance I decided to move with him.

He has shown his anger before but never in public. He usually gets upset when he is under stress and ends up withdrawing and not wanting to talk much. His anger has never been violent and I believe that it never will be.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Bill3

The fact that your mother and sister used to love him and now want you to move home says a lot to me. Now that you moved away with him, how is he different from how he was at home?

What flaws do they see in him?

You said that he stays angry for long periods of time. How long?

You can expect that he is on his "best behavior" with you now, before you are married. If he does nothing to change, you can expect him to get worse if you decide to marry him.

He is not different as I have always known he has struggled with anger. However, me moving has put a strain on our relationship since I miss my friends and family and previous job and he feels guilty that I am struggling so much.

The flaws they see are that he is inflexible, and highly intelligent to the point that he always has to be right and they beleive that can lead him to put me down. My sister thinks he is an emotionally abusive person who puts other people down, always has to be right and always has to get his way. The problem is she is quite manipulative and always wants her way as well. They have always been at odds with each other but now she straight thinks I'm being emotionally abused and he thinks I'm letting her influence me too much.

When he gets angry about something he is angry for the rest of the day or several hours. He sometimes raises his voice but for the most part he withdraws and doesn't want to speak or do anything. It has never exceeded two days so I suppose to some that might not be a long period.

[~Christina]

I would pick a time where he is calm and in a listening situation.

I would try to just let him know the anger is a concern of yours... Would he be willing to go to therapy or even look at some things on line about how to deal with anger in a more effective way..

Im sure he will possibly get angry just over you having a discussion about it , But at least then you have opened a door for a conversation when he might bring it up a few days later.

Telling someone that deals with anger is often initially responding with anger, be prepared.

I dont think your relationship is doomed .. But it needs some healthy boundaries in place... But that goes for every relationship .

I hope you two can talk this through and he can improve on himself.

[Bill3]

It sounds like in the past he kept his anger in check when around your mother and sister, but recently he has not done so.

To what extent is he in fact inflexible and always has to be right? How frequently does he put you down? How frequently does he put down your mother?

It has never exceeded two days so I suppose to some that might not be a long period.

When you say that he withdraws, are you saying that he does not speak to you, like in a silent treatment?

How hard is his carrying anger for two days for you to deal with?

[VanGore28]

Can I tell you about my ex? He never hit me but he was very violent towards strangers on nights out and always got into fights. He knocked out one of my dads friends for just speaking to me. He was possessive.
He was manipulative and if we argued would say to me "come on then hit me" as if to say look I'm physically stronger I win this argument. So I was always at a loss.
He often tripped me up and pinned me to the floor. But never raped me like I think I maybe made someone I confide in believe and I feel foolish.

I think you should give him a chance, I really do He just seems like a typical male struggling to express himself

[healingme4me]

I agree with others about him addressing his inner anger. It needn't be an anger management class, per se, but something to take a good look at why anger seems so over the top with yelling and silence. My exh would excuse silent treatments for not wanting to say mean things, yet, that anger simmered and grew into resentment both rational and irrational.
As far as inflexibility, are you talking about creating a family? Parenting is far from anything that a rigid person can handle without eventually blowing one's stack. Gosh, even the most laid back and patient person can be tested.

I hear you about wanting to sort it out for you and not because your mum wants you too. That could be an entirely different therapy type discussion for you if taking that path.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by VanGore28

Can I tell you about my ex? He never hit me but he was very violent towards strangers on nights out and always got into fights. He knocked out one of my dads friends for just speaking to me. He was possessive.
He was manipulative and if we argued would say to me "come on then hit me" as if to say look I'm physically stronger I win this argument. So I was always at a loss.
He often tripped me up and pinned me to the floor. But never raped me like I think I maybe made someone I confide in believe and I feel foolish.

I think you should give him a chance, I really do He just seems like a typical male struggling to express himself

Typical male? Nothing in that description of angry(and in your case violent) man is typical for men. It sounds unhealthy and abusive, not typical at all

[FeelingHopeful]

Is the distance far from where you lived before and xwhere you live now? Maybe when the situation arises you could go home provided it's not super far , this way you could see your family and friends , and maybe space will help. Have you been able to adjust and make friends in your new living place?

[VanGore28]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Typical male? Nothing in that description of angry(and in your case violent) man is typical for men. It sounds unhealthy and abusive, not typical at all

My ex was abusive I do realise, he was coercive and emotionally abusive - he was not a typical man - but olive303 s man does not seem abusive. He hasn't verbally said anything. The only thing he has done is raise his voice, and it seems like he actually gets angry with himself more than anything and storms off. We all raise our voice when we argue right??
Maybe there is something past or present that is affecting him emotionally, so you have to encourage him to read some self help books, or get counselling but that costs money.

[Sunflower123]

I really hope you can talk with him about this. I'm not saying it's a deal breaker but you did say it can get tense and difficult and for long periods of time. That's going to be very wearing on you after awhile. I live with a relative who is moody and it gets tense and difficult. It makes you weary and wary as it goes on. Good luck with your relationship.

[Fuzzybear]

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like in the past he kept his anger in check when around your mother and sister, but recently he has not done so.

To what extent is he in fact inflexible and always has to be right? How frequently does he put you down? How frequently does he put down your mother?

When you say that he withdraws, are you saying that he does not speak to you, like in a silent treatment?

How hard is his carrying anger for two days for you to deal with?

That's true. They think that his temper must be bad if he got angry in front of them. He gets angry less than once per month and it's always when he's stressed which he is with my family because he knows how close we are and he is terrified they won't like him.
They believe that he is inflexible because he did not seem as willing to do everything my family wanted to do while they were visiting. They believed that as they are visiting he should do everything they want. However he did not go to all activities and places we wanted. My family also only wanted to spend time with me with him out of the picture while he wanted to spend time with us.
They believe that he always has to be right in that he can't let go of things. One example would be that my sister recommended a physical therapy method for me to try on an injury and he is in a doctorate program for physical therapy and said that method is not possible/ helpful with my specific injury and my sister thinks that means he always has to be Right because he does things like that often.
He is one of those people who believe he wants what's best for people when some people just want to be left alone. One example would be that he is highly athletic and always asking me to exercise more often and might joke about my inability to keep up with him. He does not put me down in a vincrictive way but more so in the way that he wants me to be a better version of myself but there are times where he needs to let things go and accept me/ others. He also tells me I can do anything I set my mind to and is supportive of my goals.
Yes he does give the silent treatment. Not outright ignoring but unwilling to talk or do anything. It never lasts two days but it is known to ruin the rest of the day. Lately I have just been going about my buisness and not engaging when he gets like that.
Thank you for your questions and the effort.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I would pick a time where he is calm and in a listening situation.

I would try to just let him know the anger is a concern of yours... Would he be willing to go to therapy or even look at some things on line about how to deal with anger in a more effective way..

Im sure he will possibly get angry just over you having a discussion about it , But at least then you have opened a door for a conversation when he might bring it up a few days later.

Telling someone that deals with anger is often initially responding with anger, be prepared.

I dont think your relationship is doomed .. But it needs some healthy boundaries in place... But that goes for every relationship .

I hope you two can talk this through and he can improve on himself.

We discussed his anger in depth for hours and he did not get angry. He recognized that he has a problem and was highly apologetic for the incident with my family. However he fears that he can only improve on this so much. He has been working on it for years and said it used to be even worse than it is now. I think the question that remains now is if I can deal with it and what boundaries I need to have in place.

I agree with the boundaries. I have always been a passive person who struggles with boundaries and I have been wanting to see a therapist for this very issue.

Thank you for your response.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I agree with others about him addressing his inner anger. It needn't be an anger management class, per se, but something to take a good look at why anger seems so over the top with yelling and silence. My exh would excuse silent treatments for not wanting to say mean things, yet, that anger simmered and grew into resentment both rational and irrational.
As far as inflexibility, are you talking about creating a family? Parenting is far from anything that a rigid person can handle without eventually blowing one's stack. Gosh, even the most laid back and patient person can be tested.

I hear you about wanting to sort it out for you and not because your mum wants you too. That could be an entirely different therapy type discussion for you if taking that path.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

He has addressed it in that he recognizes that it is an issue and apologizes when it happens. He says he has improved compared to when he was younger however he fears he may always struggle with anger.
No he is flexible about creating a family. They mean inflexible as in less willing to do everything they want to do.

I think it has to be for myself. If I let him go after this incident with my families influence I would always wonder if it was what I wanted or what they wanted. I am not certain if being with someone with a temper will lead to future unhappiness. I know it is not pleasant but I have always been happy when he's not upset.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I really hope you can talk with him about this. I'm not saying it's a deal breaker but you did say it can get tense and difficult and for long periods of time. That's going to be very wearing on you after awhile. I live with a relative who is moody and it gets tense and difficult. It makes you weary and wary as it goes on. Good luck with your relationship.

How long would your relative stay moody? When my boyfriend is upset it lasts for a few hours/ the rest of the night but he is fine by the next day. He never goes to sleep upset.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Olive303

He has addressed it in that he recognizes that it is an issue and apologizes when it happens. He says he has improved compared to when he was younger however he fears he may always struggle with anger.
No he is flexible about creating a family. They mean inflexible as in less willing to do everything they want to do.

I think it has to be for myself. If I let him go after this incident with my families influence I would always wonder if it was what I wanted or what they wanted. I am not certain if being with someone with a temper will lead to future unhappiness. I know it is not pleasant but I have always been happy when he's not upset.

When he says better than when he was younger with anger what does that mean? Younger in early adolescence or early adulthood? Did it cause problems for him outside of home? I'm asking not to pry but both to understand why it's brought up and perhaps because I might have an inkling of if in earlier youth what it's about. Has me picturing my teen son and the years leading up to his evolving calmer current demeanor. ..

Now that you've explained what is meant about inflexible, it's taken a different context, and that's ok. To me, in terms of behavior I see it as uncompromising, not about whether the person goes with hefty demands of someone else's family. It could well be that he's noticed something unsettling for him in your family dynamics. As much as I struggled with other issues with my exh, there are things he was protective of my own passive nature where my family was concerned. Not quite a tug of war as I wanted my apron strings severed, so to speak, but I do understand what you mean about your family.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

When he says better than when he was younger with anger what does that mean? Younger in early adolescence or early adulthood? Did it cause problems for him outside of home? I'm asking not to pry but both to understand why it's brought up and perhaps because I might have an inkling of if in earlier youth what it's about. Has me picturing my teen son and the years leading up to his evolving calmer current demeanor. ..

Now that you've explained what is meant about inflexible, it's taken a different context, and that's ok. To me, in terms of behavior I see it as uncompromising, not about whether the person goes with hefty demands of someone else's family. It could well be that he's noticed something unsettling for him in your family dynamics. As much as I struggled with other issues with my exh, there are things he was protective of my own passive nature where my family was concerned. Not quite a tug of war as I wanted my apron strings severed, so to speak, but I do understand what you mean about your family.

He is currently in his mid 20s. When I say younger I mean adolescence. If you don't mind me asking about how old is your son now that he is calmer? Or what helped him? Of course I don't mind if you don't feel comfortable answering these questions.

That is very true. He is unsettled with how close and invasive my family is and how strongly they influence me. I have always struggled with boundaries with my family. He believes that they are very difficult to please as they were judging him before his outburst even though he was making them dinner and breakfast and driving everywhere including two hours out of his way. My family have also judged every boyfriend my sister and I have ever had (but this is the most serious one for me).
I understand what you mean as I've always wanted more autonomy from them. They have told me what to study (I even picked a major based off of my moms wishes as I myself was uncertain), what job to keep, where to live, how to live and so on. My father even told me my lower paying job helping people (which I loved) was "stupid" and I should go down his more lucrative career path.

[FeelingHopeful]

Is it possible for you to go home when these situations arise ? Provided your not a far traveling distance.sometimes space helps.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by FeelingHopeful

Is it possible for you to go home when these situations arise ? Provided your not a far traveling distance.sometimes space helps.

It is not that possible since I moved several states away.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Olive303

He is currently in his mid 20s. When I say younger I mean adolescence. If you don't mind me asking about how old is your son now that he is calmer? Or what helped him? Of course I don't mind if you don't feel comfortable answering these questions.

That is very true. He is unsettled with how close and invasive my family is and how strongly they influence me. I have always struggled with boundaries with my family. He believes that they are very difficult to please as they were judging him before his outburst even though he was making them dinner and breakfast and driving everywhere including two hours out of his way. My family have also judged every boyfriend my sister and I have ever had (but this is the most serious one for me).
I understand what you mean as I've always wanted more autonomy from them. They have told me what to study (I even picked a major based off of my moms wishes as I myself was uncertain), what job to keep, where to live, how to live and so on. My father even told me my lower paying job helping people (which I loved) was "stupid" and I should go down his more lucrative career path.

My son just turned 14. Outside of the home, you'd never know that he has knocked over furniture, broken objects, carried on for hours on end, screamed, hollered, pummelled his brothers for rather trivial things. When I tried to get him in home counseling, he wouldn't voluntary do, so we couldn't proceed. The therapist noted adjustment disorder. He does become stressed about the unknown. I'm not certain any one thing worked. He is just growing up and is more communicative.

I don't personally see in your thread places where any of my flags raise about "abuse". Mind you, I am a survivor of domestic marital violence.

When living with someone, it's natural that there will be ups and downs.

Are you finding ways to make new friends and social circles where you are?