[DodgersMom]

ok so I don't usually talk about this but since its private here, I will.

I am currently in therapy and one of my issues is that I have a fear of being close to people. it has caused me to never even have been on a date, suk at making friends etc

So, basically, I am over 30 and not only have I never been on a date, but I've never even kissed a guy and obviously never had sex. I am wondering 2 things...

1--- is this extremely weird/odd at my age?

2-- is this a topic I SHOULD bring up in therapy or is it something (hopefully) I can just never mention and still be able to work on my issues with being close to people?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

ok so I don't usually talk about this but since its private here, I will.

I am currently in therapy and one of my issues is that I have a fear of being close to people. it has caused me to never even have been on a date, suk at making friends etc

So, basically, I am over 30 and not only have I never been on a date, but I've never even kissed a guy and obviously never had sex. I am wondering 2 things...

1--- is this extremely weird/odd at my age?

2-- is this a topic I SHOULD bring up in therapy or is it something (hopefully) I can just never mention and still be able to work on my issues with being close to people?

1 ---- no it's not extremely weird/odd. Society has norms that say you must reach x milestone by x age in order to be considered within the parameters of normal. All that matters is that you are working on this in therapy because you want to and that at some point in the future you will do these things when you are comfortable doing them.

2 ---- you could never mention it but I encourage you to talk to your therapist about it since it's bothering you. Your therapist could help you get this off your chest and feel more at peace with it.

Best wishes...

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

1 ---- no it's not extremely weird/odd. Society has norms that say you must reach x milestone by x age in order to be considered within the parameters of normal. All that matters is that you are working on this in therapy because you want to and that at some point in the future you will do these things when you are comfortable doing them.

2 ---- you could never mention it but I encourage you to talk to your therapist about it since it's bothering you. Your therapist could help you get this off your chest and feel more at peace with it.

Best wishes...

it's not really bothering me but the idea of talking about it in therapy is lol. i keep hearing "tell them everything" so thats why i asked. its not something i really wanna discuss, i feel like a moron for being this close to 40 and like this.

[MickeyCheeky]

If you feel like this is something that needs to be talked about, tell him.. but if it doesn't bother you, you don't have to tell. It's all about how YOU feel, remember

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

it's not really bothering me but the idea of talking about it in therapy is lol. i keep hearing "tell them everything" so thats why i asked. its not something i really wanna discuss, i feel like a moron for being this close to 40 and like this.

I was in a very stressful marriage for 20 years and finally got out. That was 8 years ago. My friends who have been divorced in that time period are re-married and here I sit totally uninterested in even dating. I felt like I should feel and act a certain way and worried that something was wrong with me (society's expectations again) and finally brought it up to my therapist and my best friend. I felt very awkward so I understand what you're saying. If it's not bothering you...don't bring it up.

[TishaBuv]

You are in charge of your own life experience. If it doesn't bother you, there's nothing to change. I think I would mention it to my T. It's bound to come up when you are discussing whatever issue brought you to seek help. It doesn't matter if it's the norm or not.

Maybe there is some deep seeded issue as to why you made your life's choices. Maybe is does deep down bother you.

[DodgersMom]

i guess if it comes up, it comes up but its not something i am gonna walk in and spill my guts about

[Trippin2.0]

I have a different take on this:

If its directly connected to your issue of getting close to people, and that is something you're actively trying to address in T, then I would say it is pertinent to bring it up. You're leaving out a piece of your puzzle, which could cause unnecessary road blocks in your therapeutic journey...

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I have a different take on this:

If its directly connected to your issue of getting close to people, and that is something you're actively trying to address in T, then I would say it is pertinent to bring it up. You're leaving out a piece of your puzzle, which could cause unnecessary road blocks in your therapeutic journey...

Makes sense but I am not sure if it is directly connected, I think it's just a result of it somehow and also of my lack of people skills in general.

I just was asking more or less because I'm not sure how much you actually need to tell them in therapy.... this isn't something I wanna go around discussing really. If it comes up though, I guess I'll handle it then. Thanks for your answer

[Artchic528]

I didn't have sex until I was 27-28. There is no normal age for these sorts of things.

[Entity06]

I am turning 30 next month and I've also never even been on a date. I do struggle with getting close to people and just having fruitful social interactions that lead to friendship in general, but my main issue was and is probably that I am gender non-conforming and very "masculine" but at the same time I'm only attracted to men and men don't seem to be able to be attracted to me, which is rather tragic.

Now, I think trust/vulnerability issues and less than perfect social skills both make it hard to make friends and form bonds of all type, AND are a result of the lack of experience with more substantial, successful connections. It's like a sort of vicious circle where these issues initially might have kept you from building bonds and gathering experience, then the lack of experience as time went on made these issues worse.

People do learn through experience and example so there is a need for that and lack of experience doesn't matter so much when most people you come into contact with are on similar levels of inexperience, but then as people do gather experience and their expectations and ability naturally evolves, it becomes a problem and makes everything more daunting too(like trying to compete in the Olympics with no training).

So I think you should bring it up (if u want to and you think you can do it) in therapy because it's one more piece of the puzzle ,another.

Ok, I'll be real here. Do you have a natural desire/need to have intimacy, affection and physical pleasure of a sexual/romantic nature in your life? Is it bothering you emotionally that you are not and haven't had that so far? I mean not in the sense of it bothering you by comparison with others or because you haven't ticked a box or any social pressure like that. No, I mean, does it emotionally cause you pain because it's just a need you have and it's not being met? If yes then it's an important thing and you deserve to have your needs met, you deserve to find love, pleasure, touch, etc. Maybe the therapist can help.

This is what always bugs me, that people say there's no right age and everything is fine and you shouldn't feel bad. Yes, there should be no social stigma and there's no "right" age in that sense and it should be socially ok even if you never have a first kiss or have sex in your life, you should never feel put down or regarded as inferior for it.

However, most of us need these things, we need kissing, hugging, sex, we need intimacy, love, connection. We're generally wired to have this need and it's definitely not healthy or ok if you have this need and it's never met. Maybe it won't physically kill anyone but there's proof that lack of these things in general tend to affect physical and mental health and these things heavily contribute to a fulfilling, happy, content existence. So let's not say it's not big deal because sure, it shouldn't be a big deal in terms of social pressure and social standing, but a need is a need and it's a big deal if your needs aren't met.

So I'd say if you do have a craving and need for these things, it might be useful to bring the issue up with someone like a therapist, so as to take one more step towards meeting that need. It's not a shame, that's for sure.

[DodgersMom]

To be honest, I have no idea.

I mostly am ashamed by it because everyone else I know who is my age or older has had all this experience. i think having a relationship with real love/affection might be great but with my issues getting close to people, the idea of being affectionate with anyone freaks me out.

I think I would love to be able to say I've at least kissed a guy and gone on a date. I feel those are experiences I'd like to have but they don't bother me to the point they ruin my life. I've gotten used to living this way so it's just normal to me. Sex is here or there, I feel like without ever moving past my issues of getting close to people, it could never happen anyway but I also feel like my drive for sex is dying LOL. I am so not sure, I mean yes and no, I want these things for the experience but not to a point that I'll die without them if that makes any sense

And it's good to know you kind of relate to my situation.

I mean my therapist is marriage/family so I'm sure he has discussed sexual issues before but it still feels so weird to me and not just because he is male, I think I'd feel this way with a woman as well.... I just feel weird at my age saying these things, I feel like at the very least, I should of at least had a kiss by now. It's horrible embarrassing and It makes me feel stupid.

[Shadix]

I am in a similar position; ever dated or kissed or anything, yet I am 29. When I mentioned this before on here, I was told that this is abnormal and that I should definitely explore this issue in therapy. I don't know if you are getting different answers because you are female or what, but that is the response I got.