Should I accept their help?

So I guess these are the biggest relationships going on for me, which just shows how socially frozen I am. Here's the situation: I'm moving and starting an internship in a new state and my boss and landlord both offered to give me a ride from the airport. They've offered to help with other stuff, too.

It makes me feel like I'm being a burden. I also do not know how to respond, so sometimes it takes me a whole day to email back. I don't want to be the employee who doesn't communicate well, but it really flummoxes me about how "nice" they are being to me so far.

I am declining their help.

The past couple of years I've been trying to work on asking for help. The point is, though, that I did sometimes succeed in asking.

I can't accept this time, from people and organizations I am unfamiliar with. If I have to pay for an Uber to my apartment, I can save money on other things. It will actually feel good to restrict on something else. I feel the way I felt growing up. Completely alone. Me against the world. I'm in survival mode. It feels right. I don't want to rely on people. I don't want to owe anyone anything.

Is it wrong to immediately be on my guard around these new people? Is this what people refer to as trust issues? Control issues?

Is it wrong to simply want to receive my key from the landlord, pay the rent, and not have to socialize? I don't trust my boss. I feel like this is a test.

I'm terrified of these mini relationships already.

Maybe this is why I can't date. Ha!

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I can understand you not wanting to depend on other people or be beholden to people but it honestly seems like your boss and landlord are trying to help you out. I wonder what impression you are leaving by not answering emails for a day or turning them down. Most people feel good when they help others.

Can you allow them to help you with small things? I understand where you're coming from. I'm a loner and introverted, I just encourage you to make a positive impression. I think it's trust issues. I'm also terrified with 'mini relationships' as well. I get it. I also get me against the world. Do you think exposure therapy or a therapist can help you? Best wishes.

I think you made a wise decision in going with Uber and politely turning down the offers from LL and boss. Those people are too close to get close with. Does that sound right? It's late and I'm barely awake so please excuse me. The fact that you will be seeing these people often, is too risky to accept a favor. Keeping your distance sounds good.

Is it a bad impression? I do say thank you, I appreciate the help, etc, when I turn them down, but is it bad?

I am not in the position to receive therapy. First, money and parents, and second, there's a whole lot of trust issues. I was forced into real therapy (not just school counselor) in high school by my school. There was a lot of drama from my parents about this. Because of this, I refused to talk and I still have not been broken by any therapists. It's too easy to fool them, and if I told the truth, (and I did try once) I don't think they'll understand me correctly.

I feel like I'm letting someone **** with my brain, and that spells trouble for me. I need to maintain my agency over my mind.

I am just trying to understand: If I were in exposure therapy, would that entail me being in a lot of situations where I need to ask for help?

If there is a therapist that will treat me even if I don't exhibit the standard dependence on them, I'll go for it. This year I met with a counselor once a week for half a year and we got no where. She started getting angry at me.

So I know therapy will never help me. I have to help myself. Maybe it's that I can't rely on people. I don't know.

I think I understand. Those were my thoughts exactly.

I think you should try not to assume what they may think if you politely decline the offer.

Easier said than done.

But I'd give a simple response of "Thank you so much for the offer. I am truly grateful for this gesture. I have managed to organise transport."

First of all, I don't think an email delay of a day is a big deal. Many people do not respond to email right away.

I am, however, saddened for you when I read of your general trust issues, even with a therapist. Working with a therapist isn't at all about "breaking you." It's much more about discovering wounds and healing in order to enjoy a more fulfilling life. Therapy is a good "testing ground" for starting to trust.

I hope, some day, you can allow yourself to open up enough work on this.
Although it can be scary, I do think you'll have an opportunity for a much more fulfilling life.

Best wishes for your move and your new job!

WC

I'm sorry you feel this way.. I can definitely relate as I have similar issues myself.

When you say that you do not trust your boss: to what extent are you speaking of not trusting people generally--versus--to what extent do you mean that they did something specific to make you distrust them?

Also: just wondering how the internship connects with or effects your thesis (if it does at all). ☺

I empathize with you, emptynightmare. Connecting with these strangers in a familiar type way must feel like a threat, or an invitation to more familiarity than you're ready for, or open to. Having boundaries is your right. You can have boundaries and at the same time to not be "on guard." The landlord and boss may be perfectly nice people who just would think it's rude not to offer. They must know/assume you won't have a car, etc.
maybe "do" what makes you feel safest, and "think" the best of others intentions, unless shown otherwise.

Thanks. You're right - I am sometimes too nervous about these things. Maybe some perspective would be good. I'm trying to remember that anything goes if I act confident enough. I am the adult and they are the children. Similarly I'm trying to channel my lack of conversation into something that appears cool and poised. I guess I can come off as rude or perfunctory, but... I guess I'm not here to bend over to please people for approval. If I exhibit the average expected social manners and appear in control everything should be fine. They will follow me. At least I hope so...

I don't know what the problem is because I've never really needed approval. In fact, I hate working within the system. Maybe it's that I'm terrified of getting in trouble. So I become hyper vigilant of power hierarchies and authority figures become insurmountable.

90% general distrust, and 10% distrust of their openness towards me. It could be the oth way around, though. I don't trust people in general but their kindness has triggered even more distrust. I am also sure starting at such a high point will lead to deterioration of the "friendship".

I just googled mistrust (an uneasy feeling) vs distrust (based on bad experiences). I wonder which is more prominent here but either way I can't just trust people. That would be crazy.

It doesn't directly relate to the thesis although it could. This job is one that could lead to others, but right now the only way I can see the thesis getting me a job would be to get a doctorate and become an academic. But I'm sure there are options if I actually succeed. But as of now I'm just mediocre, so...

Thank you for remembering that I'm doing a thesis!

I think it would take a devastating breakdown for that to happen.

I am a VERY INDEPENDENT person. I dont ask for help unless it is something I just absolutely can't do by myself.

I was really bad that way when I lived in Calif....BUT its interesting after moving to a very small town in Ky, I have found that people do offer things like rides from the air port JUST TO BE NICE with NO alterior motived but TRULY out of the kindness of their heart. I have also learned that it is ok to accept their niceness because here it is TRULY UNCONDITIONAL.

It took me a few years to learn this coming from Lis Angeles where everything had strings attached so it was really nice to know that there are truly kind people that do exist in this world & trust can grow just living around these REALLY KIND people.

I hope this is the situation that you are encountering & will be able to learn & grow from your experience here

I think acting confident, calm, and polite is a safe way to test the waters, and ease into your role. I would say it's expected to be nervous and excited about your new endeavors. hopefully your boss is kind and knowledgeable, and provides a positive work environment. For me, the power dynamic stuff gets me unbalanced. I like to be equals with everyone. I wasn't always good at conversation, or I was anxious, and I did come up with a lot of "tricks" to get by. I agree with you that playing with perception can be helpful to feel more powerful...like how you said you're the adult, they're the kids. Even better though, in my opinion, is to remember that you have strength and power in your own role. When you experience an issue or problem, you will solve it as soon as you can, as best as you can. If you make a mistake, admit it and fix it, and remember everyone makes mistakes, especially when they're learning something new. You should only get in trouble if you intentionally do something you shouldn't.

this is true but over my many years of living, I totally appreciate having people now who I trust that are wise & knowledgable to talk over my issues or problems with if I am having difficult times solving a problem. My whole life I had to solve my problems the best I could & live with the results good or bad because I had no people with wisdom or common sense in my life UNTIL NOW (age 60+). Now I left that environment & moved to a location where I have met people who are knowledgable about many things Who know much about many issues I have had to make serious decisions about & their council has been so very valuable. I still have to make my own decisions but now they are based on things that I alone wouldn't have even thought about. Having people in our lives we can truly trust is a wonderful thing to have & I can really see the difference it makes in my life.

Have you made it there? How are things going so far?

Yep, I have *arrived*. Things are going well so far, thanks for asking!

That is really good to hear. Thanks for letting us know!

I guess I could open up and go into more detail...

I have moved in to my new apartment. Things seem fine and peaceful. I had to bring my laptop to the store because the intermittent problem has come back and I was not able to turn it on at all. I guess the plus is that I was forced to go outside so I have figured out the transportation system here.

My roommate and fellow intern seems sweet and open so far. She gets homesick a lot and right now her mom is walking her through cooking dinner over Skype. It makes me wonder. I have never been homesick.

I hiked up a mountain and stayed on top for a couple of hours. It was very peaceful. I wondered if what I was feeling was any different from a depressive haze. A family came up the hill and the teenage girl grumped that she didn't want to smile for the camera. That made me laugh. I don't think I'll ever grow out of my teenage angst.

I'm at ease here. The apartment feels nice because I don't feel that I have to escape my family all the time. I'm in the living room right now. At my family home, I am stuck in my room. I literally fill two or three water bottles so I wouldn't have to leave. It makes me think the peace I felt today is similar to my depressive haze when I would spend all day in bed. The only difference is that I am at ease here and the "peace" or stillness isn't forced. I think this will help with my relationships at work because I know I can be very charismatic and social when I am at ease.

Thanks for sharing!

There is a big difference between a "peace" (more like a ceasefire) which represents the absence of active conflict in the moment while enduring a difficult, oppressive, and unhealthy situation--versus--a peace which is arises from being in a situation of freedom and ease. I'm really happy to know that you are experiencing some true peace.

You mentioned a depressive haze. To what extent have you felt depressed there?

Wow, you pretty much described how I felt after leaving the bad marriage I was in & living on my 10 acre farm I bought 2100 miles away.

The peace we feel in a place where we aren't always trying to escape something or even feel trapped is so different than any feelings we have in places like that. I found that new found peace also opens up the mind to learn & retain so much more than in environments like that.

I am so glad you are experiencing this very positive result as it will also help your internship go smoother too. Lol....I fought constantly in that environment rather than hide away so it was really miserable.....the good thing....once out of there haven't fought anything so real peace exists in life.

Sounds like a very wonderful learning experience for you....very happy it turned out like this.

In my opinion that's a miserable way to go through life, but I'm happy you are happy and at peace with your decisions. It sounds like things are going well. That's great. Best wishes.

To what are you referring to as miserable? How are my decisions miserable? (I know I deleted my last post maybe half an hour ago).

Are you referring to my deleted post where i talked about my lack of identity and emptiness behind all life decisions?

My goodness no! I don't think your decisions are miserable and I apologize for any offense taken. It was sincerely not intended. I didn't see your post of lack of identity and emptiness behind your life decisions. Had I, I would have empathized and offered my support.

Miserable was a poor word choice. I was not reading your literal decisions as much as some of the thoughts and emotions behind them. Having trouble asking for help, being socially frozen, always feeling like it's you against the world and always having to feel on guard filled me with compassion and that's how I should have worded it. I do apologize and wish you the best with your internship.