[thunder.sai87]

My wife lied to me about her childhood and her current work situation for a year now.

She told me that she was molested as a child.
She told me that there was a guy who sexually harasses her at work.
She gets infatuated with almost every other guy at work.

She confessed to me last week that she lied about the molestation, abt the guy harassing her at her work, and said she used to get infatuated with other guys cause she needs there to be a problem with men in her life.

I understand her needs to lie, her dad left them when she was 5 and her mother had hard time raising her. She never received the love and sense belongingness all her life. so she compensated them with fulfilling those basic needs herself.

but the day after she confessed i was still a bit upset, for obvious reasons and got in a lil fight. and after the fight she told me that we're even cause i have always broken promises to her. Promises like: the day after a fight, i promise that i will be ok but still not be ok; that i will not hold onto lil things she does to piss me off but do it anyway.

but all of our fights and lil annoyances she has remind me of the one main fight we ALWAYS have... its about the guy from work who harasses her and she always seems to be ok with. which was a lie all along to begin with. I always was reminded of him every time she did those lil annoyances, or fought about her attention towards other men. which is why she confessed cause every time we fight it goes back to him. She told me that her manager warned her about him being known to harass women, when she started working there and she got attracted towards that situation instead of him. so created the lies based on those warning for the sake of self-pity.

Now she wants me to believe that we’re even cause I was never ok with her lies and reacted badly to her lies. And is saying that I should not expect her to make amends with us but instead I should just move and not think about those lies at all.

I dunno wat to think or how to perceive this whole situation. This is my first serious relationship in my life. I really do love my wife who has other GREAT amazing features that I want to inspire and help.

I need help with this situation so I can rebuild my trust in her and move on. Truly move on.

If the story is a bit confusing please ask questions as I am writing this with a lil emotional turmoil. Thank you for your advice in advance!

[Skeezyks]

Hello thunder: I'm sorry I don't think I really have much in the way of advice to offer with regard to this. From the sound of it, your wife has some mental health issues that need professional attention. However it's up to your wife to come to realize she needs professional help & to seek it out. You can't force it on her.

I personally doubt there is much of anything you can do to have a positive effect on this situation. You can try to simply let these things go... just don't worry about who is, or isn't, at fault... whether or not the two of you are "even". But, from what you wrote, it sounds as though your wife is getting herself into some precarious, & possibly even potentially dangerous situations at work. And you developing the ability to simply let your fights go won't do anything to remedy that. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some useful suggestions to offer.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[thunder.sai87]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello thunder: I'm sorry I don't think I really have much in the way of advice to offer with regard to this. From the sound of it, your wife has some mental health issues that need professional attention. However it's up to your wife to come to realize she needs professional help & to seek it out. You can't force it on her.

I personally doubt there is much of anything you can do to have a positive effect on this situation. You can try to simply let these things go... just don't worry about who is, or isn't, at fault... whether or not the two of you are "even". But, from what you wrote, it sounds as though your wife is getting herself into some precarious, & possibly even potentially dangerous situations at work. And you developing the ability to simply let your fights go won't do anything to remedy that. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some useful suggestions to offer.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Thank you very much for your input. I will keep that in mind.

I'm looking more on how to respond to her about the blame. She blamed the relationship problems on both of us and told me that were even. And I need to think about it and get back to her on my thoughts about how I am just as guilty for our problems.

So I want to know to eat through to her regarding that request. Also, we can't afford therapy. That's why I wanna find ways to move on from these issues to rebuild our trust. At least mine to begin with.

[thunder.sai87]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello thunder: I'm sorry I don't think I really have much in the way of advice to offer with regard to this. From the sound of it, your wife has some mental health issues that need professional attention. However it's up to your wife to come to realize she needs professional help & to seek it out. You can't force it on her.

I personally doubt there is much of anything you can do to have a positive effect on this situation. You can try to simply let these things go... just don't worry about who is, or isn't, at fault... whether or not the two of you are "even". But, from what you wrote, it sounds as though your wife is getting herself into some precarious, & possibly even potentially dangerous situations at work. And you developing the ability to simply let your fights go won't do anything to remedy that. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some useful suggestions to offer.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

We'll she wants me to feel like we're even and come to her about how i am just at fault for passive aggressive behavior and my anger. Which both rooted from her lies and extra-marital infatuations.

I don't know how to respond to her or to get thru to her about false accusations of me. Which have been going on for a year now

[Erebos]

Thunder hun, this is a complex situation. Your wife has major issues that need addressing. Ideally with a female therapist, as I can foresee immediate problems if she were to have a male therapist.

It also sounds like you both desperately need marriage counselling. There are to many complicated factors here to muddle through on your own.

All I can say, is remember, you can not change your wife, you can only change yourself and how you choose to respond to her.
Take time to consider what if she never changes?

But also remember this is the person you chose.
Good luck and all the best.

Originally Posted by thunder.sai87

She told me that she was molested as a child.
She told me that there was a guy who sexually harasses her at work.
She gets infatuated with almost every other guy at work.

She confessed to me last week that she lied about the molestation, abt the guy harassing her at her work, and said she used to get infatuated with other guys cause she needs there to be a problem with men in her life.

And is saying that I should not expect her to make amends with us but instead I should just move and not think about those lies at all.
I really do love my wife who has other GREAT amazing features that I want to inspire and help.

As others have said, she needs to find the right therapist because she has many issues to work through. She is lucky that you love her. Sometimes it can be hard to admit to ourselves how much we have hurt the people (who have only tried to help us) we love so we blame them instead of admitting fully to ourselves that WE are the problem. What she did was significant and terrible so BOTH of you (including her) are going to have to acknowledge each others feelings and POV before you can put this incident behind you. It will take time. Hopefully, she is ready to be more honest and self reflective about her relationship with you. Marriage therapy was also a good idea. Since she has finally admitted lying to you--perhaps that can be a starting point enabling you to eventually improve your marriage but she needs to acknowledge (listen rather than telling you to move on) your hurt feelings in this matter. She is not the only person who has things to work through here....

[MickeyCheeky]

I can perfectly understand you being hurt by all of this - it's clear that your wife has some problems that need to be addressed. If you can, try to convince to go to a therapist. Couple counselling can be an idea, as well. Wishing good luck..

[Crazy Hitch]

I agree with all the above posters.

She needs to get to the root cause of what made her lie in the first place. The cause might be quite complex.

[thunder.sai87]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

As others have said, she needs to find the right therapist because she has many issues to work through. She is lucky that you love her. Sometimes it can be hard to admit to ourselves how much we have hurt the people (who have only tried to help us) we love so we blame them instead of admitting fully to ourselves that WE are the problem. What she did was significant and terrible so BOTH of you (including her) are going to have to acknowledge each others feelings and POV before you can put this incident behind you. It will take time. Hopefully, she is ready to be more honest and self reflective about her relationship with you. Marriage therapy was also a good idea. Since she has finally admitted lying to you--perhaps that can be a starting point enabling you to eventually improve your marriage but she needs to acknowledge (listen rather than telling you to move on) your hurt feelings in this matter. She is not the only person who has things to work through here....

Thank you very much hopingtrying.

She needs me to admit that I'm at fault too. For being passive agressive and I'm afraid she'll pin all the issues on me like she always has.

How do I approach her with my negative behavior which were only consequencial.

[Sunflower123]

I know you said you can't afford a therapist or couples counseling but maybe you could find someone who works on a sliding fee scale. Does your or her employer provide EAP? That's another possible route. Sometimes churches offer counseling as well. So far, it seems your wife has some mental health issues that need to be worked on and she is wanting you to share the blame in her behavior for what reason? What have you done if anything? I'm sorry you're in such a position and wish you luck in working it out.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I need help with this situation so I can rebuild my trust in her and move on. Truly move on.

First thing I have to respond to is the line I quoted above. my first impulse is to say "whaat?!" You do realize that her earning your trust back is in no way on you and there is NOTHING you can do to change that. the result will be of you being in denial by forcing yourself to forget or ignore her transgressions. Trust broken is not easily repaired and on top of this, especially with one that wants to shirk their responsibilities for being the one to gain the trust of the betrayed one. If she is unwilling, you should not just write off what happened. History will repeat itself, I would bet on that.

Originally Posted by thunder.sai87

but the day after she confessed i was still a bit upset, for obvious reasons and got in a lil fight. and after the fight she told me that we're even cause i have always broken promises to her. Promises like: the day after a fight, i promise that i will be ok but still not be ok; that i will not hold onto lil things she does to piss me off but do it anyway.

First off, promises to try and change and failing to do so is far different from outright lying and making a whole narrative or story up of your life that is entirely based on imaginary things. Far different. When you promise to change, that's your intention and when she lies, deceiving you is her intention. Do you see the difference?

but all of our fights and lil annoyances she has remind me of the one main fight we ALWAYS have... its about the guy from work who harasses her and she always seems to be ok with. which was a lie all along to begin with. I always was reminded of him every time she did those lil annoyances, or fought about her attention towards other men. which is why she confessed cause every time we fight it goes back to him. She told me that her manager warned her about him being known to harass women, when she started working there and she got attracted towards that situation instead of him. so created the lies based on those warning for the sake of self-pity.

Now she wants me to believe that we’re even cause I was never ok with her lies and reacted badly to her lies. And is saying that I should not expect her to make amends with us but instead I should just move and not think about those lies at all.

I dunno wat to think or how to perceive this whole situation. This is my first serious relationship in my life. I really do love my wife who has other GREAT amazing features that I want to inspire and help.

I need help with this situation so I can rebuild my trust in her and move on. Truly move on.

If the story is a bit confusing please ask questions as I am writing this with a lil emotional turmoil. Thank you for your advice in advance!

you say you don't know how to perceive the situation. I understand you may feel like you're confused but I think your perception is fine, but you're conflicted. You're conflicted because the truth is, she can't be trusted and she's trying to write off her lies and deception without making amends, without taking responsibility and without even asking forgiveness. When you're wronged, in any way it's expected that the other person, if they truly understand they offended and hurt us, they will not only confess, but be repentant and know they need to earn the trust and forgiveness. In your wife what I see is someone that does not want to change, but does have a hint of guilt for things, only not enough to actually make her want to change, unfortunately. She believes that the confession alone is enough and things should go on as business as usual.

But you naturally are unable to trust her without any kind of action on her part. It's understandable

Please, assess this situation. Do not feel responsible for fixing things. it's on her. if she's not willing to face the fact that this is on her, then I'm not sure things will ever get better. Unfortunately that's not something YOU can change, only she can.

[thunder.sai87]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

First thing I have to respond to is the line I quoted above. my first impulse is to say "whaat?!" You do realize that her earning your trust back is in no way on you and there is NOTHING you can do to change that. the result will be of you being in denial by forcing yourself to forget or ignore her transgressions. Trust broken is not easily repaired and on top of this, especially with one that wants to shirk their responsibilities for being the one to gain the trust of the betrayed one. If she is unwilling, you should not just write off what happened. History will repeat itself, I would bet on that.


First off, promises to try and change and failing to do so is far different from outright lying and making a whole narrative or story up of your life that is entirely based on imaginary things. Far different. When you promise to change, that's your intention and when she lies, deceiving you is her intention. Do you see the difference?


you say you don't know how to perceive the situation. I understand you may feel like you're confused but I think your perception is fine, but you're conflicted. You're conflicted because the truth is, she can't be trusted and she's trying to write off her lies and deception without making amends, without taking responsibility and without even asking forgiveness. When you're wronged, in any way it's expected that the other person, if they truly understand they offended and hurt us, they will not only confess, but be repentant and know they need to earn the trust and forgiveness. In your wife what I see is someone that does not want to change, but does have a hint of guilt for things, only not enough to actually make her want to change, unfortunately. She believes that the confession alone is enough and things should go on as business as usual.

But you naturally are unable to trust her without any kind of action on her part. It's understandable

Please, assess this situation. Do not feel responsible for fixing things. it's on her. if she's not willing to face the fact that this is on her, then I'm not sure things will ever get better. Unfortunately that's not something YOU can change, only she can.

seriously thank you for that advice. i was really looking for wat u said rather than "therapy" or "mental issues".Cause i know my wife and i know the things ppl are telling me already. but she has a strength in her that even she hasn't tapped into yet. and as her husband who truly loves her for her, I can see that strength. I will be patient and take ur advice and work on helping her realize these things. I dont want history to repeat it self or for her to fall into this abyss. no matter what... I love this woman with ALL my heart. she is more than wat i said, which i am sure u can understand.

Thank you again!!!!!

Originally Posted by thunder.sai87

She needs me to admit that I'm at fault too. For being passive agressive and I'm afraid she'll pin all the issues on me like she always has.

When she says you are at fault in some way, patiently listen (not over and over again but make sure you make it obvious that you hear the "meat" of what she is saying once). For instance, if she says: "I lied because you were not paying attention to me"--you say, "I am sorry you feel like I was not paying attention to you (but don't agree that you were neglecting her unless you think it is true) but we are just going to have to agree to disagree about that because I have been an attentive husband. I love you and am sorry you are struggling but I am struggling too because I have been lied to. I did not lie to you and your lies really hurt me." Make sure you make it clear that you hear her complaints--sometimes people need to know that they have been heard--even when they are wrong or just have a different POV....Sometimes when we feel heard it makes it easier to see ourselves from the other person's POV. For example, there have been times when I posted something here and when I see the feedback on the thread that comes later, I see the flaws in my thinking in a way that would not be possible without feedback and interaction. Understanding others takes work sometimes.... Once you have really discussed (she should acknowledge your feelings also), just say--"I am sorry you feel that way but I disagree that...." Never "agree" if you do not (unless the topic eventually becomes a "joke" between the two of you and you are being obviously sarcastic but this may be pushing it). She is the one that really crossed a line from what you have described.

[thunder.sai87]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

When she says you are at fault in some way, patiently listen (not over and over again but make sure you make it obvious that you hear the "meat" of what she is saying once). For instance, if she says: "I lied because you were not paying attention to me"--you say, "I am sorry you feel like I was not paying attention to you (but don't agree that you were neglecting her unless you think it is true) but we are just going to have to agree to disagree about that because I have been an attentive husband. I love you and am sorry you are struggling but I am struggling too because I have been lied to. I did not lie to you and your lies really hurt me." Make sure you make it clear that you hear her complaints--sometimes people need to know that they have been heard--even when they are wrong or just have a different POV....Sometimes when we feel heard it makes it easier to see ourselves from the other person's POV. For example, there have been times when I posted something here and when I see the feedback on the thread that comes later, I see the flaws in my thinking in a way that would not be possible without feedback and interaction. Understanding others takes work sometimes.... Once you have really discussed (she should acknowledge your feelings also), just say--"I am sorry you feel that way but I disagree that...." Never "agree" if you do not (unless the topic eventually becomes a "joke" between the two of you and you are being obviously sarcastic but this may be pushing it). She is the one that really crossed a line from what you have described.

That's a very logical and helpful approach. Thank you for that advice.

I have to maintain my self-respect from now on if I have to have these healthy form of conversations. Your words were very helpful as well! thank you very much once again!