I just want to be accepted. How hard could it possibly be for people to understand?

For all of my life, I have been the outcast chubby geek who had trouble making friends and being liked by people. My mother pretty much ruined whatever chance for a normal life that I ever had. She had me locked up in psych wards or other places as a way to control me. She wouldn't allow me to make friends like normal children because she would tell me how dangerous that I am to other children when I wasn't a threat to anybody except her because she always tried to control me. The only thing that made me happy was gaming and computers. I spent countless hours either playing strategy games or tinkering with computers alone because I had nobody. Between my mother's lies and emotional drama, being bullied at school every day and even being physically abused by other children who were so called "thugs" because of how socially awkward I was, and the fact that I had no other family that didn't cave into my mother's lies and take her side on everything made it to where all I had is my thoughts, my games, and my obsession with technology. I have always been alone.

I spent most of my childhood suffering because of her lies. I never got to do "normal" things like go to a prom, earn my driver's license, go on a date or kiss a girl, go to parties, or do anything else because I don't know how to do things like other people. I turn 26 next month and it hurts me so much that I have done so little with my life in the last 10 years. I feel like I've wasted most of my youth away and I dread growing older because I am full of despair and regret right now.

In fact, I'm so ashamed with how bad I am with women that I used to lie about it to people on social media and even during my early days of being on this forum. I lost my virginity to a prostitute because I couldn't get a girl to like me for who I am. The only girl that I ever met that found me attractive was a crazy girl who lived half across the country that had all sorts of issues and had a boyfriend already so even if I did relocate to her state, all I was to her was somebody to sate her darker and more messed up sexual fantasies. I'm at the point to where I find most women terrifying. I want to be accepted and loved by one someday, but I can't get over how bad I am with women and my own insecurities. It also doesn't help that I still am a bit out of shape and chubby and have embarassing stretch marks and scars from self harm all over my body. I feel ugly and if a girl saw how horrible my body looks, she would probably throw up and abandon me like everybody else.

Because of how badly I want to be accepted by people, I have this growing obsession with wealth and power. I have all of these grand ideas with wanting to start a business and make a lot of money off doing something related to tech and games. I figure that if I had at least wealth, I could mask my flaws and insecurities from people and hide behind my ego to protect myself from getting hurt. I could get laser removal or tattoos over all of this ugly scaring on my body. I could afford personal trainers to motivate me to get into shape and train me to do so with less work involved and I could afford better food and supplements to look as physically attractive to people so I can have girls want to be with me for once. I could afford a really nice car to further boost how good I appear to people. I could buy a bunch of internet fame, such as friend capped Facebook account, thousands of followers to my Twitch account, millions of YouTube views, a bunch of Instagram follows, a blog website about myself with a bunch of views, ETC. I can do this so I never have to be so lonely or insignificant again.

I'm like this because I'm sick of being the fat chubby socially awkward nerd that nobody cares about. I'm sick of being "that other guy" that nobody wants to deal with. I'm sick of being undesirable by women except those with a lot of mental health issues or those who be my friend out of pity or whatever. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am but I don't see that happening until I become more successful because I have nothing to offer anybody.

How hard must I work to prove myself? How much more will I need to endure to prove that I have value to people? I'm trying so hard to be a decent person but the more extreme my obsessions become, the more prone to corruption I'm becoming. I'm at the point to where for the first time in a long time, I have seriously considered hurting and screwing people over to not just get my needs met, but to develop as much wealth as possible in as short of a time as possible. I spent all morning devising a business plan that is dishonest and barely-legal in nature. I have been thinking about learning to be a better liar and manipulator to get ahead in life. I want to build social skills solely to become adept at bending people to my will. I don't care about the vast majority of humanity because nobody ever loved and cared about me when I needed it the most. I only have empathy for people like me who are outcasts and undesired by their communities because of some so called "flaw" or difference or people that show me some compassion. Everybody else, I see as being no different than my computer.

I don't want to be like this but I accept that I'm too broken and weak to change at this point. If people can't love and accept me, what's the point in even living if I'm going become more undesirable by people the older I become? I want my voice to be heard. I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't take the pain anymore.

If I can't be loved and accepted by somebody, I fear I will fully submit to my inner darkness and become a truly ugly, horrible person.

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate a lot to what you say.. and I'm sorry.
Your voice will be always heard here.

[lizardlady]

I know you've said you want friends in 3D, not just friends at PC. Think about what you've done here to make friends. How can you translate to the outside world?

I'm going to challenge some of the things you said in your post, not to be mean, but to offer a different perspective.

Let's say you become rich and famous. That doesn't mean people are going to love you. They may fawn over you and act like they love you, but they are just going to be trying to get something from you. For me that would lead to even for sense of sadness and isolation.

I understand that you feel you've "wasted" the last ten years of your life. Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. I have a sign hanging in my living room near by front door so I see it every time I go out. The sign says "You're never too old to live happily ever after." I love the sentiment. I can't undo the crap that happened to me in the past, but I can live a life that satisfies me now.

I'm offering you a challenge. You listed all the things that are "wrong" with you. What are your good qualities? You have them, but you also have to acknowledge them to yourself.

A final thought, could your current feelings be related to losing your case manager last week? It's easy to slip into negative thinking when grieving.

Originally Posted by lizardlady

A final thought, could your current feelings be related to losing your case manager last week? It's easy to slip into negative thinking when grieving.

While this might have something to do with it, that happening is far from being the reason as to why I feel the way I do.

I see a pattern. People always abandon me at the moment of my greatest need. My case manager abandoned me when I needed the support in my life at such a critical moment when I've at such an important crossroads of trying to transition into holding down a job and being self sufficient when I have no confidence and self esteem in the first place.

Prior to that, I was abandoned by my best friend and the one person who I could talk to anything about including my darkest secrets because his relatives had him so messed up from all of the abuse that he ran back to them when I let him stay with me and helped him start an online business since he had trouble holding a full time job due to his MI. He ran off with my money and didn't care that it was Christmas time and I was sick and couldn't donate plasma and had no food. He chose his abusers over me and I hate him for it.

Before that, my step father left the city that I stay to live with his parents because he couldn't work anymore due to his declining health. My uncle left to go to another state too because he is on disability and has trouble living on his own, yet this uncle of mine wont even try to reach out to me. My birthday is coming up and none of my so called "family" will likely care. They were all the family that I had left.

Before that, I was abandoned by the one and only girl that I was able to establish ANY intimacy with because she had a relationship and I was the other guy but wanted more and she claimed I was draining her and pushed me away and she was a freaking psycho who later told me she wanted to kill me to arouse herself sexually. This is the only girl that ever accepted me and told me she loved me at all.

There is a repeating pattern of the type of people that I attract and how many people abandon me. The most probable reason why so many people abandon me is because I am not good enough. Because I struggle with connecting with people, I need material or superficial things to attract people, otherwise, why would anybody care?

My soul (if I believed that I even had one in the first place) is destroyed. I am one with the darkness. I am nothing.

I truly don't think that I have any positive qualities that are beneficial to other people. Yes, I build computers, I can fix electronics, I am knowledgeable about networking, the internet, and web sites. I have some business knowledge and I have a set of unconventional knowledge of making money online in ways most people don't consider. I am capable of critical thinking and identifying flaws in systems and thinking of ways to fix them.

How does any of this relate to people and how much of this can be used to deal with how bad I am with people and how lonely I am? None if it.

It doesn't matter. I give in.

I will get rich off of getting back at this society that brings my kind such suffering. I will become a multimillionaire and rub it in everybody's face that has ever rejected me or hurt me in any way.

I will get the respect that I deserve and anybody who gets in my way does so at their own peril.

Hello darkness, my old friend. I love you so much. You are the only thing that has held me and loved me when I needed it the most.

Everybody else except my darkness, my kind, and the people here can burn for all I care.

I go off into the blackened night.

I wish to counter your question, "How low must I sink [for people to accept me]?" Instead consider 'how high must your raise yourself.' The first statement implies to me that you are waiting for positivity to arise in your life - particularly socially. In truth however, attaining and maintaining such requires a great deal of hard work. Things have improved for me but it took effort to get here.

I agree with a few things pointed out and suggested above. Namely, consider instead what positive things you have going for you and try to translate what works for you on the internet into what might work for you in real life. In fact, I suggest putting the internet on the back burner for a while.

What has been successful for me?
- volunteering
- support group
- finding a social group pertaining to my interests (a weekly art and coffee meet-up, and a monthly get together to play board games)
- getting to know my neighbours
- even pleasantries exchanged with my grocery clerks and cashiers

[putubalik]

I just want to offer some practical suggestions. Firstly, the local YMCA is a great place to go and work out, eventually you will meet people in passing, which can then slowly overtime build a feeling of connection to others. And ALL this while working out with a dedicated program for your HEALTH, mental and physcial.

I am a yoga instructor and can tell you that the YMCA's usually offer YOGA classes as well and this is an excellent way to tap into your inner spirit, find a place of peace and acceptance for who you are, where you are at in life and this too can bring you to a sense of well being, albeit over time.

Make sure to 'unplug' from the virtual world. It will keep you busy perhaps, but not connected to the earth. Go take a gardening class at your local community education center. Make time daily to connect to the REAL world where actual people can interact.

A simple hello to a person checking you out at the grocery store can become a beautiful experience, if we allow ourselves to focus outwardly toward others with compassion.

Sink? Sinking is not part of allow yourself to float upward toward the surface. Open your heart and soul daily with a clean slate. Focus on the MOMENT, not the past, not the future.

Be here now and mindful about how what you choose to do daily impacts your sense of connection to the inner self and spirit.

I wish you the best in moving forward. Train your thoughts to go toward POSITIVE thoughts. It can be done.

Try listening to Abraham Hicks on the "law of attraction" on utube. It is out there on some levels but has profound suggestions on how to train the mind to bring in the lightness of being positive and allowing each moment to unfold gracefully.

[TheDragon]

At the end of the day, the only person you have total control over is you.

Don't expect acceptance for others before you have self-acceptance. Don't expect to be able to rely on others before you can fully rely on yourself. Learn to genuinely be comfortable with who you are and give yourself reasons to be proud through self-improvement and what others think of you will have an inconsequential impact.

Your past does not dictate you forever, not unless you give it the power to.

[Jellyfish18]

Is there any way to get back in contact with your case manager? He sounded like a nice person ... if you can meet up with him again in private, that would be good. Otherwise try mental health resources in your area and social coaches (they can double as dating coaches) if you can pay one. That would help.
Did you say you have no family at all left that may be supportive?

Originally Posted by Jellyfish18

Is there any way to get back in contact with your case manager? He sounded like a nice person ... if you can meet up with him again in private, that would be good. Otherwise try mental health resources in your area and social coaches (they can double as dating coaches) if you can pay one. That would help.
Did you say you have no family at all left that may be supportive?

Unless I need services from the homeless shelter he now works at, I wouldn't be able to talk to him that much aside from maybe greeting him. Until I get to the point to where I can discharge myself from the public mental health center that I currently receive services from, I can't see him due to privacy laws and what not and I could get him in trouble if I do.

I can't afford any social coaches right now and I've tried many different kinds of free resources but nothing ever helps me.

I think it will be a long time before I am ready to talk to women. I have no confidence in myself, both because of all of the scarring and what not on my body, and because of the fact that I have neither a job, nor a car or even a license for that matter. I am working towards these things but it would likely take many months before I can get somewhere and it hurts that I won't have anybody for that period of time.

And no, I have no family to help me nearby. The only family that talks to me is my step father who lives 3 hours away and there is no way and hell I'm moving out there because I can't deal with all of the southern religious B.S that goes on in small towns in the South and Midwest in America considering I'm an atheist and all.

I'm trying to fight and endure every day but I feel like I'm nearing my breaking point if I haven't reached it already.

I'm not going to talk about this in too much detail for obvious reasons, however, I will say that by "caving in to the darkness" and "taking from society", I am referring to how easy it would be, thanks to my growing hacking knowledge, to scam big corporations and rich people without getting caught, especially since the Dark Web makes being a cyber criminal easier than it has ever been. I know I could do a lot of damage and make a lot of money without being caught and even if I did get caught, the worst thing that could happen is that I would have to deal with the inconvenience of going without my computer for several months while they perform digital forensics on it, in which they would find nothing because I know how to perform counter forensics on computers and digital data.

It would be easy for me to make five figures a month doing stuff like this and nobody would be able to stop me. I have been trying as hard as I can to live a decent life. I am trying to find a job and do the right thing for once in my life. I'm trying to be a good person so that I don't have to weave a web of lies and deceptions to protect myself and so people will one day love and accept me.

The more hurt I become, the harder it is becoming for me to control the urge to give in and live the lifestyle of a cyberpunk character where I screw people over to get ahead.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I just want to be accepted. How hard could it possibly be for people to understand?

For all of my life, I have been the outcast chubby geek who had trouble making friends and being liked by people. My mother pretty much ruined whatever chance for a normal life that I ever had. She had me locked up in psych wards or other places as a way to control me. She wouldn't allow me to make friends like normal children because she would tell me how dangerous that I am to other children when I wasn't a threat to anybody except her because she always tried to control me. The only thing that made me happy was gaming and computers. I spent countless hours either playing strategy games or tinkering with computers alone because I had nobody. Between my mother's lies and emotional drama, being bullied at school every day and even being physically abused by other children who were so called "thugs" because of how socially awkward I was, and the fact that I had no other family that didn't cave into my mother's lies and take her side on everything made it to where all I had is my thoughts, my games, and my obsession with technology. I have always been alone.

I spent most of my childhood suffering because of her lies. I never got to do "normal" things like go to a prom, earn my driver's license, go on a date or kiss a girl, go to parties, or do anything else because I don't know how to do things like other people. I turn 26 next month and it hurts me so much that I have done so little with my life in the last 10 years. I feel like I've wasted most of my youth away and I dread growing older because I am full of despair and regret right now.

In fact, I'm so ashamed with how bad I am with women that I used to lie about it to people on social media and even during my early days of being on this forum. I lost my virginity to a prostitute because I couldn't get a girl to like me for who I am. The only girl that I ever met that found me attractive was a crazy girl who lived half across the country that had all sorts of issues and had a boyfriend already so even if I did relocate to her state, all I was to her was somebody to sate her darker and more messed up sexual fantasies. I'm at the point to where I find most women terrifying. I want to be accepted and loved by one someday, but I can't get over how bad I am with women and my own insecurities. It also doesn't help that I still am a bit out of shape and chubby and have embarassing stretch marks and scars from self harm all over my body. I feel ugly and if a girl saw how horrible my body looks, she would probably throw up and abandon me like everybody else.

Because of how badly I want to be accepted by people, I have this growing obsession with wealth and power. I have all of these grand ideas with wanting to start a business and make a lot of money off doing something related to tech and games. I figure that if I had at least wealth, I could mask my flaws and insecurities from people and hide behind my ego to protect myself from getting hurt. I could get laser removal or tattoos over all of this ugly scaring on my body. I could afford personal trainers to motivate me to get into shape and train me to do so with less work involved and I could afford better food and supplements to look as physically attractive to people so I can have girls want to be with me for once. I could afford a really nice car to further boost how good I appear to people. I could buy a bunch of internet fame, such as friend capped Facebook account, thousands of followers to my Twitch account, millions of YouTube views, a bunch of Instagram follows, a blog website about myself with a bunch of views, ETC. I can do this so I never have to be so lonely or insignificant again.

I'm like this because I'm sick of being the fat chubby socially awkward nerd that nobody cares about. I'm sick of being "that other guy" that nobody wants to deal with. I'm sick of being undesirable by women except those with a lot of mental health issues or those who be my friend out of pity or whatever. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am but I don't see that happening until I become more successful because I have nothing to offer anybody.

How hard must I work to prove myself? How much more will I need to endure to prove that I have value to people? I'm trying so hard to be a decent person but the more extreme my obsessions become, the more prone to corruption I'm becoming. I'm at the point to where for the first time in a long time, I have seriously considered hurting and screwing people over to not just get my needs met, but to develop as much wealth as possible in as short of a time as possible. I spent all morning devising a business plan that is dishonest and barely-legal in nature. I have been thinking about learning to be a better liar and manipulator to get ahead in life. I want to build social skills solely to become adept at bending people to my will. I don't care about the vast majority of humanity because nobody ever loved and cared about me when I needed it the most. I only have empathy for people like me who are outcasts and undesired by their communities because of some so called "flaw" or difference or people that show me some compassion. Everybody else, I see as being no different than my computer.

I don't want to be like this but I accept that I'm too broken and weak to change at this point. If people can't love and accept me, what's the point in even living if I'm going become more undesirable by people the older I become? I want my voice to be heard. I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't take the pain anymore.

If I can't be loved and accepted by somebody, I fear I will fully submit to my inner darkness and become a truly ugly, horrible person.

I know how you feel. Just keep trying to find people. That is what I do since I don't want to be alone forever either.

I like you. Part of the problem is that you still haven't learned to accept yourself. You have had challenges and setbacks but you are headed in the right direction from my POV.

I feel better now. I've been stressing out over everything in my life. I have been dealing with finals for my summer semester in college on top of trying to find a job and dealing with my own mental health. I'm just scared of screwing up and losing my financial aid and getting dropped out because right now, I am extremely dependent on the resources that I earn there and losing them would make things overwhelmingly difficult for me right now.

My fears are irrational considering the fact that I'm making straight As right now but I am scared of doing badly since I still have poor time management skills and I live off caffeine and energy drinks because I struggle to get any sleep at night due to how overwhelmingly anxious and depressed that I am.

I know I said some scary things in this thread, but rest assured, I'm not plotting against society from the shadows or anything haha

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I like you. Part of the problem is that you still haven't learned to accept yourself. You have had challenges and setbacks but you are headed in the right direction from my POV.

I agree.

[Bill3]

Yes, I build computers, I can fix electronics, I am knowledgeable about networking, the internet, and web sites. I have some business knowledge and I have a set of unconventional knowledge of making money online in ways most people don't consider. I am capable of critical thinking and identifying flaws in systems and thinking of ways to fix them.

How does any of this relate to people

I personally am eternally grateful for the internet, which only exists because of people such as yourself. Through the internet I have come into contact with people throughout the world, people I would never have otherwise met. My life is infinitely richer in a people sense because of the internet, because of people like you.

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I like you. Part of the problem is that you still haven't learned to accept yourself. You have had challenges and setbacks but you are headed in the right direction from my POV.

Yes I agree. I find you to be one of the more intelligent and insightful posters on here and I am sure... if you put that to work for yourself you will succeed.

You seem to be under a lot of pressure right now but sometimes that can be a good thing and will provide the motivation for you to succeed.

Damn, I wish I lived in the US and could go see you IRL. Your posts make me want to meet you in person and cook you a meal and make it OK. My heart goes out to you my friend.

Originally Posted by Little Cat

Damn, I wish I lived in the US and could go see you IRL. Your posts make me want to meet you in person and cook you a meal and make it OK. My heart goes out to you my friend.

LOL!

But I was thinking... Darkness should consider starting a "go fund me page". I know your thinking... but who would give him money? There are a lot of people who get money on there. And he had 500. Also that would allow people from here to contribute if they wanted.

Also why not look into crowd funding in general to get your business off the ground. I am sure there is a small business person crowdfunding site out there someplace. Maybe people would want to bet on you.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

LOL!

But I was thinking... Darkness should consider starting a "go fund me page". I know your thinking... but who would give him money? There are a lot of people who get money on there. And he had 500. Also that would allow people from here to contribute if they wanted.

Also why not look into crowd funding in general to get your business off the ground. I am sure there is a small business person crowdfunding site out there someplace. Maybe people would want to bet on you.

I certainly am going to consider it as an alternative way to obtain startup funds. I do plan on putting aside some leftover college grant/loan money for my business too this Fall that doesn't get put towards educational and living expenses and I will have plenty left over afterwards since I qualify for the full amount and the college that I go to is cheap and my living expenses are too so there's that.

I actually have a really good idea that I'm perfecting right now. I'm not going to talk about it in too much detail, however, I will say that I plan on making my own web store in the gaming and anime niche. I plan on reselling other products and making my own. I have a way to where I can have accessories such as computer and gaming glasses with a unique design, gaming controllers and perephials, game system and computer mods, cosplay accessories, and custom t shirts and clothing related to gaming, anime, and memes designed for pretty cheap. In fact, I could possibly start all of this for under a few grand easily.

I would also throw in an ad supported blog, YouTube videos and join an affiliate marketing or CPA network or two to promote other people's products for a cut of the sales off my videos and blog. If I'm successful, I could easily turn this into a 6 figure or even 5 figure a month profit in 1-2 years as long as I do well.

They say that to make it as an entrepreneur, you need to have your work drive you. You need to make it your life. Since I love gaming, technology, and even anime above all else, what better way to be an entrepreneur than to make a business that revolves around my passions?

I'm still perfecting it and writing a business plan obviously but that is what I have so far