[Douthat]

I was wondering if anyone has some advice about a Friend's with Benefits kind of relationship? If anyone has ever had one before, and if in the end it just caused trouble? I'm sexually attracted to a friend, but I don't want a relationship right now. I know that he is sexually attracted to me too, because we have talked about having that kind of relationship quite a bit. We live walking-distance from each other too, so it would be easy to have this kind of relationship with him. I just would like to know what I am getting myself into here.

[Raindropvampire]

In my experience it ruined the friendships. Both times the guy got more attached than I was and wound up wanting more than FWB. It's hard to go back to a nonsexual relationship especially when one party wants more.

I do know people it worked for but I know many more that it irreparably damaged the friendship.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

[Douthat]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

In my experience it ruined the friendships. Both times the guy got more attached than I was and wound up wanting more than FWB. It's hard to go back to a nonsexual relationship especially when one party wants more.

I do know people it worked for but I know many more that it irreparably damaged the friendship.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I imagine it would be hard to go back to a nonsexual relationship I guess! It is a tough call.

[Trippin2.0]

One time it worked as planned, we hooked up for a couple of months, then we ended things, (went "no contact" for a while to re-adjust to platonic) and then our friendship continued as per normal. He's married now and lives abroad but visits from time to time and then we hang out.

Second time, LOL We Failed.

Second time we were both kidding ourselves completely, we were in love and deeply in denial (neither wanted romance at the time), which caused undue stress.

Years later, we are still together in a committed relationship and can't imagine life without each other.

[Sunflower123]

I know of one couple who started out FWB and ended up getting married and having children. I think it can work out if both parties are careful. Good luck with your decision.

I am not so sure this is a good thing to start up with an existing friend. I see this as risking disaster. I did have a FWB relationship for about a year but that occurred right from the start of the friendship. It actually was a very rewarding relationship. I got an outdoor adventuring partner out of it too. There not being any emotional investment in the friendship before the relationship started (we actually put an agreement in place) there was no emotional crash when the whole thing ended.

[Douthat]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

One time it worked as planned, we hooked up for a couple of months, then we ended things, (went "no contact" for a while to re-adjust to platonic) and then our friendship continued as per normal. He's married now and lives abroad but visits from time to time and then we hang out.

Second time, LOL We Failed.

Second time we were both kidding ourselves completely, we were in love and deeply in denial (neither wanted romance at the time), which caused undue stress.

Years later, we are still together in a committed relationship and can't imagine life without each other.

Haha that's awesome, sounds like a very funny love story. I'm glad you guys found each other! Thanks for sharing. Both stories are encouraging in their own way.

[Douthat]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I know of one couple who started out FWB and ended up getting married and having children. I think it can work out if both parties are careful. Good luck with your decision.

Yeah, he and I have always been very honest with each other from the beginning of the friendship. I just hope that would continue if we were to have FWB, so that we could be transparent with each other and make sure everything is okay. Last thing I want is for him to get hurt, or for me to get hurt.
And thank you for the luck!

[Douthat]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I am not so sure this is a good thing to start up with an existing friend. I see this as risking disaster. I did have a FWB relationship for about a year but that occurred right from the start of the friendship. It actually was a very rewarding relationship. I got an outdoor adventuring partner out of it too. There not being any emotional investment in the friendship before the relationship started (we actually put an agreement in place) there was no emotional crash when the whole thing ended.

Yeah, that's what Im scared of happening. I think he and I should talk it out more to make sure it is what we both want. I have said to him before that I don't want emotional attachment, but I know how easy that can form. Definitely have to be careful! Thanks for your input.

Originally Posted by Douthat

Yeah, that's what Im scared of happening. I think he and I should talk it out more to make sure it is what we both want. I have said to him before that I don't want emotional attachment, but I know how easy that can form. Definitely have to be careful! Thanks for your input.

So this is what you might think about doing....

Talk about this. In particular, what will this relationship be defined by and what are it's limits. Take the time to consider and agree upon what signs would indicate the arrangement (for that is what it is) is going awry. Make a decision beforehand on at what point and circumstances it must come to an end. Agree upon mutual expectations. Define what the relationship will look like: when, where, what, etc. Finally, this definitely should include a discussion about what will happen should the one or other of you decide to pursue a relationship with another.

Something also to consider is who is winning in this relationship? What would each of you be getting out of it.

[divine1966]

Yeah I did it once. Well i ended up being into him more than just friends. I wanted more and he didn't. We stopped talking then but then eventually resumed talking when we weren't involved anymore. We did remain friends. Well on friendly terms, not really close friends . Occasionally we still keep in touch, like holiday time kind of thing, we are both married, it was long time ago, like 2O years ago that we were Fwb. Funny when we talk, we never mention that we were more than just friends at some point lol

[TishaBuv]

No man ever dared approaching me for sex, but wouldn't take me out for a meal, take me to a party with him, open a car door for me, etc... WTH is "friends" with benefits?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

No man ever dared approaching me for sex, but wouldn't take me out for a meal, take me to a party with him, open a car door for me, etc... WTH is "friends" with benefits?

When people are just friends hanging out, but mutually agree to have sex. It doesn't mean people just screw lol they hang out. Sometimes people just aren't interested in serious relationship at the moment but have other needs (sexual). In my situation with the guy we hung out doing many things together, even did brief short travel together. Kind of like casual dating I guess

[TheDragon]

Originally Posted by Douthat

I was wondering if anyone has some advice about a Friend's with Benefits kind of relationship? If anyone has ever had one before, and if in the end it just caused trouble? I'm sexually attracted to a friend, but I don't want a relationship right now. I know that he is sexually attracted to me too, because we have talked about having that kind of relationship quite a bit. We live walking-distance from each other too, so it would be easy to have this kind of relationship with him. I just would like to know what I am getting myself into here.

It really does depend on the people involved. If you're both good friends who can honestly communicate with one another to navigate issues such as jealousy if/when the other gets into a romantic relationship or realistic wants and expectations, it can definitely be a great relationship to have. It's totally possible to have a sexual but nonromantic friendship with someone and for it to be healthy and happy. However, if it's not navigated well and communication is poor, it can also be a crappy experience. I've done both.

Good luck!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by divine1966

When people are just friends hanging out, but mutually agree to have sex. It doesn't mean people just screw lol they hang out. Sometimes people just aren't interested in serious relationship at the moment but have other needs (sexual). In my situation with the guy we hung out doing many things together, even did brief short travel together. Kind of like casual dating I guess

I never had a male who was just platonic, but hung out with me, unless he was gay. I don't understand sex without feelings developing. I know people tell me they do that, I just can't see that ever happening.

If someone had sex with me, then treated me like 'see ya sometime, Buddy'. I just don't understand how you are then sharing the intimacy and passion of having sex.

If the sex is good and the couple like each other, the romantic relationship develops. A + B = C.

What kind of sex are people having that provoke no emotions? Do they kiss? Isn't a kiss passionate? Doesn't showing passion mean you desire?

[healingme4me]

Friends with benefits can be such a slippery slope, emotionally. There's having sex with less friendship, less knowing one another. Then there's being friends, close friends and it's sex out of not having any other options. Making neither really a first choice. Leaves the doors open to leave at the first excitement of someone new. I guess it's just something to live and learn, but the thread was created for input...

[Erebos]

Tish sex isn't always tied to emotions, certainly isn't for me, more often it was like an itch that needed scratching.

I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of being couple, didn't mean I didn't Want sex.
I didn't want to share emotional baggage, when you get involved in a relationship, people invariably want to know it's going somewhere, that this thing you share means something, I just couldn't be doing with that.

Friends don't want to know where your at 24/7, you don't have to worry about their feelings if you don't want to hang out. They won't instantly think your not interested.
You can go out and have a laugh then not call for week, and when you do call you don't have to explain why you didn't call.
There are no expectations of the relationship going 'somewhere'.
Another annoying thing partners do, if you don't want sex it's 'something they have done.'
No, sometimes I just don't want to, not do I want to sit massaging your ego and reassuring you everything is fine with us. (Eye roll)

And if you do it right when you have had enough, or it just fizzles out. That's it.
No messy break up, no his friends and your friends.

This is just a handful of reasons I opted for FWB when I was younger. Rather than bouncing from one fulfilling relationship to another.

When I got older and my baby father left I didn't want to get involved with another guy and mess my kids heads up, but still occasionally wanted a laugh and some intimacy.y friend totally understood that.
Didn't have to deal with dodgy dating sites, or avoiding introducing my kids into a stranger.

There are any number of reasons it might work for someone, but being upfront and honest from the get go is important.
To avoid unwanted attachments.

[TishaBuv]

I'm old and dated before the terms "friends with benefits" and "booty call".

One bf, call me or came into my store once or twice a week, and that's how often we dated. When we dated, we went out to dinner, dancing, he took me out with his friends and family. In fact, he took me to meet his mother on our first date!

So, it was like he was my bf and we were dating. But I only saw him once or twice a week. And we had sex when we got together. But he never told me he loved me. He never talked about us having a future. I never asked him where he goes or who he sees. I was even told by a friend that he was seen with another woman. I never even said anything to him.

So this was what we'd now call a quasi friends with benefits relationship. But I called it a bf who didn't want to commit to me.

Then it ended horribly. We had a date. I was starting to move myself in on him as a strategy to get closer and he knew it, and obviously didn't want me. Because he stood me up and never called me again. And I never called him again. That's how it ended.

I don't mean to hijack the thread. I hope this can help the OP think about relationships and feeling healthy.

This relationship scarred me pretty good for a long time.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I never had a male who was just platonic, but hung out with me, unless he was gay. I don't understand sex without feelings developing. I know people tell me they do that, I just can't see that ever happening.

If someone had sex with me, then treated me like 'see ya sometime, Buddy'. I just don't understand how you are then sharing the intimacy and passion of having sex.

If the sex is good and the couple like each other, the romantic relationship develops. A + B = C.

What kind of sex are people having that provoke no emotions? Do they kiss? Isn't a kiss passionate? Doesn't showing passion mean you desire?

Sometimes people just want sex. Not relationship or emotions. Just because you have never had that urge or experience it doesn't mean it's not all possible. Romantic feelings don't necessarily develop when people had sex. Not every sexual encounter is love and happily ever after. I see that you don't understand it. I get it. Not understanding something doesn't negate that it exists for other people at various stages of their life.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sometimes people just want sex.

There are scientific studies that prove there is a mind - body connection. For instance, if we smile it actually makes us happier: https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...e-you-happier/ --"A spate of recent studies of botox recipients and others suggests that our emotions are reinforced—perhaps even driven—by their corresponding facial expressions."
And there is no doubt that when my H and I have good sex--I am kinder, more patient, smile more, etc. for a while after--sometimes it can last days (it would have to be really good for the afterglow to last more than 24 hours ) so I think people who just want sex are not getting the most out of life. I find the concept a bit sad (you should at least be caring friends) and if it was more than just an accidental one night stand--someone in that relationship could eventually get hurt.
So it is well known that people do this but IMO these types relationships aren't healthy for us. When I was with someone in a sexual relationship once and he didn't want to commit, I moved on--when he called wanting to see me (I didn't return the call) then showed up at my door one night (I refused to answer because I was in a committed relationship with H)--did it hurt him emotionally? I do not know but he was the one who was unable to commit. I was not going to jeopardize my relationship with H for someone who was seeing others and treated sex so casually. Since that relationship was all about sex it felt wrong to see him anymore. Sex jeopardizes friendships but I don't think that was what this guy was about. Perhaps I am old fashioned?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

There are scientific studies that prove there is a mind - body connection. For instance, if we smile it actually makes us happier: https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...e-you-happier/ --"A spate of recent studies of botox recipients and others suggests that our emotions are reinforced—perhaps even driven—by their corresponding facial expressions."
And there is no doubt that when my H and I have good sex--I am kinder, more patient, smile more, etc. for a while after--sometimes it can last days (it would have to be really good for the afterglow to last more than 24 hours ) so I think people who just want sex are not getting the most out of life. I find the concept a bit sad (you should at least be caring friends) and if it was more than just an accidental one night stand--someone in that relationship could eventually get hurt.
So it is well known that people do this but IMO these types relationships aren't healthy for us. When I was with someone in a sexual relationship once and he didn't want to commit, I moved on--when he called wanting to see me (I didn't return the call) then showed up at my door one night (I refused to answer because I was in a committed relationship with H)--did it hurt him emotionally? I do not know but he was the one who was unable to commit. I was not going to jeopardize my relationship with H for someone who was seeing others and treated sex so casually. Since that relationship was all about sex it felt wrong to see him anymore. Sex jeopardizes friendships but I don't think that was what this guy was about. Perhaps I am old fashioned?

I am in total agreement that it's not healthy. Friends with benefits or casual sex aren't things for me whatsoever. I am happily married.

I personally was talking about that there might times and circumstances in people's lives when they dont want anything else besides casual
Encounter. I don't know anyone who want to spend their entire lives having casual sex. Certainly not.

But you also need to understand that not everyone spends their whole life married. Many people end up single or widowed or divorced or between relationships or preoccupied with other things etc and NOT wanting serious relationship at that particular moment. It doesn't mean they might not want something else at the moment.

If I have an itch than needs to be scratched then I'll scratch it myself.

Count me in among those who don't get it.

I simply don't **** friends. And if we ****...we're more than friends. Unless I pay for it. In which case it's a business transaction.

ETA...I guess it's a YMMV sorta thing, OP. You either can, or you can't.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am in total agreement that it's not healthy. Friends with benefits or casual sex aren't things for me whatsoever. I am happily married.

I personally was talking about that there might times and circumstances in people's lives when they dont want anything else besides casual
Encounter. I don't know anyone who want to spend their entire lives having casual sex. Certainly not.

But you also need to understand that not everyone spends their whole life married. Many people end up single or widowed or divorced or between relationships or preoccupied with other things etc and NOT wanting serious relationship at that particular moment. It doesn't mean they might not want something else at the moment.

I have been there--it is a situation where you feel like "this is the best I can do" or maybe they are a friend and you don't want to hurt their feelings--when you get involved because you think it's the best you can do, there is nothing worse for your self esteem--nothing.....but I know it happens because people get lonely or are curious or simply have no self control....

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I have been there--it is a situation where you feel like "this is the best I can do" or maybe they are a friend and you don't want to hurt their feelings--when you get involved because you think it's the best you can do, there is nothing worse for your self esteem--nothing.....but I know it happens because people get lonely or are curious or simply have no self control....

.

I don't think it's that simple that people are lonely or have no self esteem or no self control. I think it's a simplistic view. Not everyone wants committed relationship at all times in their life. Some people had a period in their life when they liked to party lol it doesn't mean they spend their whole life partying or that they have no self esteem.

I see it as a problem if people screw someone married, but frankly who cares if two consenting adults have safe sex with no commitment?

We don't really know why people decide to do things he. I read a lot on here about people in horrible marriages and not leaving, that's maybe something to do with low self esteem too. I would personally prefer safe sex with no commitment than being unhappy in bad marriage. Who is to decide what's better? And why people do things? What's normal for one person is totally crazy for the other.

Originally Posted by divine1966

.

I don't think it's that simple that people are lonely or have no self esteem or no self control. I think it's a simplistic view. Not everyone wants committed relationship at all times in their life. Some people had a period in their life when they liked to party lol it doesn't mean they spend their whole life partying or that they have no self esteem.

Agreed. Perhaps that simply describes how I feel about some of my experiences. I admit to being a bit naive about these things and I felt like my life was out of control when I went through the period in my life when I was partying...