Feeling a little distant...

so there is a lot of distance... distance is hard :-( maybe it is partly that things are calming down a little now? maybe. i guess he has been busy with conference and work and i've been busy with seminars and work too... phone conversations are seeming a little strained now. they never used to be.

in this last week, really. maybe it is just me... because i have a deadline and i've been procrastinating royally and so feeling a little down on myself. number one procrastination strategy is getting over-involved on message boards and playing computer games all day. then the evening comes and i feel lethargic and fairly worthless with this nagging concern that i haven't done what i should be doing... not the best mindset for a phone conversation, i guess.

part of it is about his asking 'whats goin on?' as his standard entry line. i'm like... 'whats goin on for you?' but no, he wants me to tell him whats going on for me. and i don't want to tell him that i've been procrastinating all day. i don't even want to tell my therapist how much i procrastinate. i have very bizzare work habits. i don't think that people think i've done a poor job when i do some writing or when i give a seminar, but i certainly seem to write the bulk of it in the few days or weeks beforehand whereas other people work consistently for months. i've always been like that. near the end i'm working every waking hour and yes nearly driving myself crazy but i love it when i get in the manic zone like that and i really don't seem to be able to work any other way...

but i don't want to tell him about that. and so i don't know what to say when he asks me whats going on. i just say... i've been working... and earbash him for a time about what i plan on writing to try and sound convincing :-( i wish i wasn't so %#@&#! up :-(

i worry sometimes that i misrepresent myself. that he wouldn't like me much if he knew what my day to day life was really like. if he knew the way that i chose to live it. i console myself with the notion that i'm fairly adaptable. that if we lived together then i wouldn't be doing exactly as i'm doing now because my circumstances would be different. i mean don't get me wrong i'm sure there wouldn't be a radical change... but i surely wouldn't be hanging out my myself playing computer games... i'd have a little bit of company every day at least... and i might well have other things i need to be getting on with (kinda like daily deadlines) like having to teach or whatever.

feels like the initial thing is starting to wear off... in a way. i'm sure that when we meet again it will start a new round of being new together. but in terms of phone conversations... feels like the initial thing is starting to wear off. on the phone now... sometimes... i'm not really sure what to say. what to talk about. need to think of some things... get him to tell me more about his childhood or something lol.

anyhoo... just... miss his physical presence... and wonder if things will ever work out for us.

or... if i'll come to really feel that i'm attracted to him because of my past crap and i'll not feel attracted anymore.
and / or... similarly for him. i think... he does the rescuer thing a bit (which works out to be a nice fit with my pathology). will it last? i don't know. wonder about the age thing again... wonder about the long term... miss his physical presence... long distance with stuff all prospects for making that distance shorter is kinda demoralising really. still... better prospects than i had before, i guess (ie none).

okay i admit it its 2am and i finally started working aroun 11pm yay me! i'm gonna be wired for therapy tomorrow but i need to give supervisor my presentation draft tomorrow and he thinks i've been working on it for a week...

its coming along kinda semi sorta... in the swing...

its just this last part thats all %#@&#! up. i wish mr man was here :-( miss you mr man :-( hold me... play with me...

Sounds like you are wanting a little TLC distraction. Although I constantly complain about being smothered and choked by my husband' s meddling in my private affairs I don't think I would last long in a long distant relationship. When I want him around...I want him around! I just don't know what to do with him when I am feel antisocial. I get what you are saying about the novelty of phone conversation wearing off. Not sure what to tell ya.. with my expert communication skills :-). Maybe Perna will reply, she always seems to have some action ideas.

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i don't want to tell him that i've been procrastinating all day. i don't even want to tell my therapist how much i procrastinate. i have very bizzare work habits.

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I can relate to this statement! I work like this all the time! In the middle of a project I stop and do a billion other things off task (journal, PC, check email, get a drink...,just waste time in general). In the end the project takes me forever to do but it is usually done on time. Unfortunately I create a lot of unnecessary stress in my life crying about how I am too busy to get everything done. If I would just focus and buckle down and get it done efficiently there would be so much less headache.

yeah, miss his physical presence :-( little things... cuddling... playfighting... smiling at each other... stroking his beard... sigh.

i told him a little bit... and then he talked a little bit about how he finds it hard to get into work sometimes too. so... that is nice. i guess intimacy is about taking little risks... and getting a little connection in response.

i said that it is hard... that i miss him. he said something about how intimacy is hard over the phone. yeah, it is. it is like... it feels like it is lacking a little. 'cause of all the other stuff that we can't do :-(

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alexandra_k said:
i worry sometimes that i misrepresent myself. that he wouldn't like me much if he knew what my day to day life was really like. if he knew the way that i chose to live it. i console myself with the notion that i'm fairly adaptable. that if we lived together then i wouldn't be doing exactly as i'm doing now because my circumstances would be different.
anyhoo... just... miss his physical presence... and wonder if things will ever work out for us.

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I realize I "clipped" your quote a bit, hopefully that isn't going to alter the context.
That one group of statements is what concerned me about the entire post. I was divorced after nearly 10 years of marriage, and I knew the second time around was going to be different because of what I had learned. The main thing I learned was, I am what I am. I cannot change that. I can adapt, as you said, to a point, but my essence is and will remain the same. Self improvement may be an ongoing part of our lives, but your day to day life is what you are. If he, or anyone else is not capable of dealing with that now, then why assume that would change further along in a relationship? Give him the chance to know all there is to know about you. Eventually, if the relationship progresses, he will anyway.
Believe this or not, when my current wife and I had gotten to the point that our relationship was getting serious, we sat down and talked. I told her "This is who I am. I cannot change myself, so please, either be able to accept me, or let's not go any further." Sounds like ******** I know, but after my first marriage I had decided I like me, and I'm not willing to change me for someone else. Luckily, for me, it has worked for the last 11 years and the birth of my son and daughter. I don't mean to make it sound like I told her "It's my way or the highway," because I didn't. But our conversation definitely made it clear that I didn't want her to act, or speak, or live a certain way to please me, or vice versa. We were seperated by over 500 miles the first 5 months of our relationship, and that makes it even easier to "misrepresent" your life or attitude in those precious few days you have face to face time. Lastly, none of this is to insinuate that it would even be a concious decision to hide or misrepresent. It's human nature to do what we have to when it comes to making someone like or love us.

Best wishes to you

hey. yeah, i hear what you are saying about the person needing to accept you for you. trouble with me is... i'm not terribly sure who i am. there are lots of things that i do in my life that i really wish i didn't do... i'm wondering if those kinds of things are more a function of me spending a lot of time by myself... and whether they would just kind of disappear if i was living with someone. they disappeared well and truely (and i didn't have a desire for them even) when he was here. but that was only a couple weeks and so who knows if that is sustainable.

part of it is about... my getting into this really not productive mopy headspace. just kinda moping around playing computer games or whatever and not doing stuff that would be good to get done (a bit of a tidy or doing some washing or something like that). i think its partly about... me not really being accountable to anyone... nobody sees my messy room, for example, and if they do i feel royally embarrassed... but when i was with him i was just a bit more on the ball with that kind of stuff. do'nt know what i'm saying really.

maybe it is about... me wanting to be a better person (where better consists in something that i want for myself). so... i would like to change those things for me, yeah. and... for him. 'cause i'm happier when i'm more productive and stuff...

yeah... can't make someone love us. i think that i am taking some little risks with telling him about me. and they seem to be paying off so that is nice. and on this note... library opens in one hour so i'm going to go find coffee and somethign to eat so i can type 'em up when it opens. have a nice day