[tiptoetulips]

Hello I could use some advice or input,

I didn't know what I was getting myself into. When my now ex-boyfriend told me he was bipolar I knew he was taking meds and early in our relationship he had started therapy, which i guess he hadn't for a couple of years. I took this as a good sign, thought of it as almost a compliment that he wanted to be better. He wanted to make some goals, to be more accountable and work on making plans in advance.

We met online and he was intense, now I understand the intensity even more (now that I have had time to reflect and research bipolar). It almost seemed like an obbsession (I was his obsession). I got lost with him, it seemed lovely and something that became so much more to me. He wanted pics of me, wanted to talk all the time, text, etc. He really was into it, into me. Even before we met. We would talk for hours. It lasted a few days and he pushed hard to met, saying how excited he was. I was too!

We met and instantly had a connection. We spent every moment we could together over a month together (short but seemed like a lot longer). Now looking back, it probably wasn't super healthy...but I wanted to be with him. He seemed to feel the same. As i said it was intense, and I gave myself no time for reflection. I thought, this is it! This is my man. He has his faults, so do I. But, I saw past them. I saw this beautiful man. Smart, creative, talented, etc...

I started to realize that he couldn't make plans at all, and it usually was something he wanted to do. He told me this all in advance about his struggles with making plans so I let it slide a few times. Knowing that if we ended up in a long-term commited relationship he would need to do better. I also would ask more serious questions about us and he would always somehow make some joke and tip-toe around it. He was really good at avoiding anything too deep, too personal. But when we were intimate, he would let go. I saw his emoition, his feelings for me. The way he would look at me at any moment when we were together, told me he cared. The way he would brush my cheek, my hair, grab my arm or leg like he needed me and couldn't tell me... all told me how he was feeling something with me.

He shared his life with me. I met all his friends, parents, etc. This is all within a month. I took this as a good thing. I wanted to share my family and friends as well, he again was difficult to make these plans with. I see now how one-sided this all seems, how did I get here? How am I going to deal with this? How can I tell him and have the conversation about what we want from eachother? We had no time to spend time with anyone else and had decided not to sleep with anyone else. We both spoke about how sex was not something that we took lightly, it meant something. He also changed his clothes from glasses and all coverd up to no jacket and no hat. He seems like a different person. He says he is feeling super confident, happy, etc...mania?

This is why I'm here on this site.

I found out he had stopped taking his meds, I wondered now if it had to do with him not always being able to perform like he wanted in bed. The side effects of his meds...Even so, we were passionate about eachother.

I wanted to bring up what we wanted from eachother and how it was progressing. I had been asked out on a date and didn't want to go. But, I wanted to tell him I had been asked and if he would care? This is where everything went wrong. He said that now that I brought that up he had met someone in a group setting and there could be "potential" there. OUCH! I told him that I didn't want to see anyone else and that it broke my heart that he was considering it. He put up a wall, said "that does answer your question?"
He then went into that we were just "casually" dating and that he didn't need a commitment. I said that you can't call waht we were doing as casual just because it fits for him to do so right now!

I told him how much I cared about him and cried in his arms. He just sat there, like stone. I could tell that he was taking it all in and he said that he didn't want to say anything, he needed to figure some things out. I cried and tried to kiss him, he didn't kiss me back. saying that he didn't want to confuse me while I was so emotional. He told me he wasn't going anywhere.
My heart was broken and I told him in every way how much I cared about him that night without acutally saying "I love you." I said that I wouldn't wait for him to date this other person, he said he didn't expect me to. I said that I knew he cared about me and that he was trying to ruin it because he was scared. Getting nothing in return, other than comment that almost seemed clinical, non-personal.There are other things about him that are not super appealing, like being on probation for something I won't get into, but I looked past it. Saw a good man, a man that wasn't perfect.

I gave him a few days, we met up. Again, he wouldn't start a conversation. So, I had made the decision that I wanted him to know that I loved him. This was new years day. I didn't want to have any regrets. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be there for him in his ups and downs and that I loved him and this was killing me. I wasn't planning on him being able to say the same, I just wanted him to know. I wanted him to think about what we had and what I was offering him. My heart...all of me.

This was huge for me, for anyone really. I have never been good at vunerability. I have never said I love you to another man before. I told him that it's not because I have never "loved" before, but I just haven't ever needed to say it. He said thank you and that he knew that it was hard for me to say that. He gave me a hug, making a silly voice to lighten the mood. Again, he feels uncomfortable with deep emotions?? He was visually uncomfortable. I had to pry anything out of him. Asking what I did wrong? If he was mad at me? He said no. I asked him that I didn't expect for him to say anything now, but to please let me know when he knew. He said that he couldn't tell me that he loved me, but also couldn't tell me that he didn't.

He asked me then what I was doing later that night and see if we could get together. I wanted to and thought it would be nice to have a less intense conversation and tried to keep it light and tried to keep a smile. All he had seen from me was sadness, so I wanted him to know the fun girl was still there, that he could relax around me again. He sat away from me, not like normal..I dropped him off and we hugged and said see you later. He said some dumb joke and I drove off.

I gave him a few days. It was hard, but I had told him everything i thought I could. What else could I do?

I woke up on a Saturday to see a facebook notification...yeah get ready for it! It was shown in his status that he was in a relationship with said person's name! I would have never thought a grown 30 year old man would think this is ok? My whole world fell apart. I got sick to my stomach from crying so hard. How would any person do this to someone? Especially someone who gave them their heart? I felt like he ran me over and left me for dead. A few days later he wrote: " I thought I should contact you personally, as you may already know, I am no longer single. It would probably be a good idea not to talk anymore, thank you for being so open with me, hope you are well".

He earlier said that he was honest with me, how could this be? Every action, up to one moment he was mine and I was his. Is he really so out there, without his meds that he thinks that this is normal behavior? That this is ok? He knew that I had never said i love you before as well...I know that it was a lot of pressure, but to just turn off everything. Put a wall up and be in a relationship with someone he has known for a week. Nothing like this has ever happen to me before, heartbreak yes...but I am left filling in the blanks. I am left with no answer? He never said I love you or not....he never said sorry, can't take any fault for his role. His answer is running off with someone else, someone else to be obsessed with.

I have gone into therapy, on anti-anxiety pills. It has completley destroyed me. I am trying to be ok with never getting an answer, even a "I'm sorry how I treated you", would be something. I don't know if he will ever do that, if he can even. I would even have been able to deal with an "I used you" or "I just don't love you". But not getting any sort of human response is the hardest thing I have ever hard to go through. He told me he was holding back, but not sure why? How did I get so lost with this man? How did a fairly intelligent person end up here? How much of his mental illness did this?

The only thing that is helping me get out of bed and going to work is that I know that he is not well and that he needs help. Because, how could any normal person react this way? I don'y think I will ever be able to understand him or his true feelings. In part , because I don't think he does.

I've learned that bipolar people love passionately, intensely, and fast. But, have also learned that it can be gone in a second. I will never be the same. I hate that I miss this person who has hurt me so deeply. I feel bad, well not really, for this new woman in his life. Will it be the same? Will he ever feel bad for how he's treated me? I'm left filling in the blanks again, and have learned a lesson from that. Don't fill in the blanks! Ask! Ask for what you want, or move on. I just feel like I had no choice, I was his. Plain and simple.

Thank you for reading, please be kind with your remarks.

[Trippin2.0]

Bipolar or not, some people are just jerks. Your ex sounds like a jerk, nothing you posted sounded like classic bipolar mania. Sure I know of some people who've had whirl wind romances, but that happens with non bp folk too, soo, when based strictly on that, I just don't see this being a bipolar thing, unless there are other pertinent factors regarding his behaviour you haven't mentioned.

Let me take the time to set the record straight though. Bp doesn't cause you to love fast, hard yet shortlived.

Even bipolar love lasts, atleast real love does. What you described is classic infatuation, love doesn't disappear over night.

I'm sorry you were treated so badly, and I know its really rough that you can't find closure.

I'm bipolar btw, and its not a free pass to treat my bf like shyt. I've loved him loooong before we even dated. In fact I've loved him since I was 15, and 15 years later I still love him all the same.

[Weltering]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

I'm bipolar, and yes, we are intense and passionate and too quick with our emotions.

That being said, him off his meds and receiving no treatment isn't a good thing for YOU. If he wants to play that Russian roulette with himself, that's his decision.
It wasn't the right decision to make regarding you, however.

Even though you care for him, go to sleep every night knowing he made his decisions (the first NOT about seeing someone else, but about no treatment) and it's healthier for you that he isn't in your life right now.

If you ever want to pursue a relationship with a bipolar, though, my other piece of advice would be to never, ever try to "test the waters" by saying you've been asked on a date or flirted with or anything like that. Speaking from my own experience, there is enough trauma and drama going on in my own head- if someone brought that kind of stuff up, it would push me over an edge too.

Live and learn. Cry and then get up and go to work. You'll be ok and I venture to say better off without him. Best wishes.

[BlueInanna]

Similar thing happened to me few months ago. I fell intensely for an intense guy. He dropped the bomb he wants to date a younger girl. He was a jerk and I'm the bipolar one. I thought maybe I was naive or suckered in because of my bp. But now I think nope that's just how fast infatuations make anyone fall & a crush because someone gets hurt. Best bet might be a slow & steady builds a strong lasting relationship.

[A Red Panda]

I'm bipolar 2. My emotions don't disappear at the drop of a pin. I don't act like a total jerkwad. I don't treat people disrespectfully. Those actions of his are not due to his bipolar: he is simply a jerk.

A lot of us do seem to love intensely and fairly quickly.. but in my experience and what I've read on the board... those of us with bipolar are not flighty with our emotions towards someone.

I've also beein in an intense-month-long-relationship. The pace? Set by the guy. The intensity? Set by him. The introductions into family life? Set by him. The break up? Him. He broke up with me.

Was it because I am bipolar? No. I hadn't been diagnosed and I don't have mania, just hypomania. He is just a jerk.

So.... similar situation to you, but the bipolar was on the hurt side and not the one causing pain or being intense.

[Scotty204]

Sorry you had to go through this. This man is nowhere near ready for any kind of relationship. He needs some serious help and just because of his condition that does not give him the right to treat people badly. Sorry but he sounds like a jerk and you could do better

[Perna]

A lot of intense first meeting and mating is built into us; my husband and I had it (and he was still married/living at home) so we worked to slow things down by agreeing/saying we were "in fond" with each other instead of "in love" But we did all the introducing to others, staying out all night just talking, etc. I think it is a common love thing, why it is often harder for young people/teens to understand that the initial attraction isn't "love" but just hormones/initial attraction!

It takes time to build a real relationship, it cannot be done in a week or a month or even six months. But it still hurts for one to end as yours did, suddenly and unilaterally. My first "love" ended that way, my boyfriend of the time just told me to quit calling/coming around. I was devastated too and even after changing jobs it was hard pulling myself along through the depression and loneliness. It was easily 6-8 months before things got a bit better and I met/got involved with another.

I would look for some anger in you at the man for his poor behavior ending this way. I would be glad that the relationship did not continue longer, that you did not get stuck with this man knowing that he could "snap" at any time and that he would go off his medications and probably be a more difficult person to relate to than necessary. Real relationships are not easy in the first place but when someone is deliberately not trying on their half to be the best they can be in a relationship, I'm glad when I see that and get out.

[tiptoetulips]

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I am doing better, but decided to do something totally stupid today. I looked at his new girlfriends profile, she's almost 10 years younger than me and a model. Yay for me right!?

I know that I need to move on. It's his total abandonment and harshness that has left me not knowing what to do with myself. He is a jerk, I know this. I am not blaming him being BP on all of his actions, I am just trying to make sense of everything. Maybe I won't be able to....I want to LET GO! I feel used for when he was down and depressed and now he is manic and happy and threw me away. I am always told what a good catch i am and I usually believe it. Right now I am trying to be positive and tell myself that I can deal with this in a healthy manner. Today is just a rough day...

I am worried about him, because I think that his moods move quickly. I am worried that he is going to get super depressed and he has talked about thinking about suicide as not even a choice. It just is there sometimes. I know that I can't be there for him right now, why do I want to ? I just do. Love right?

When you tell someone that you love them no matter what and that you will be there for him, to have them leave so quickly? Was he even mine to begin with? Why did I choose to love this man? I had no choice.

I choose to be happy again...it just might take awhile.

I know that I deserve better, we all do!

much love everyone

[tiptoetulips]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Bipolar or not, some people are just jerks. Your ex sounds like a jerk, nothing you posted sounded like classic bipolar mania. Sure I know of some people who've had whirl wind romances, but that happens with non bp folk too, soo, when based strictly on that, I just don't see this being a bipolar thing, unless there are other pertinent factors regarding his behaviour you haven't mentioned.

Let me take the time to set the record straight though. Bp doesn't cause you to love fast, hard yet shortlived.

Even bipolar love lasts, atleast real love does. What you described is classic infatuation, love doesn't disappear over night.

I'm sorry you were treated so badly, and I know its really rough that you can't find closure.

I'm bipolar btw, and its not a free pass to treat my bf like shyt. I've loved him loooong before we even dated. In fact I've loved him since I was 15, and 15 years later I still love him all the same.

Thank you for your reply.
That is why I am here to understand him and get some sort of sense out of everything. When we first met, I felt like he really "needed" me, had to be around me. Wanted to know about my day, details and such. His appearance was all covered up. With a beanie, glasses, coat. Which none of this changed, no do I think he was taking care of himself, bathing etc. Then out of the blue, he started to wear no glasses, bright clothes, he seemed like a different person in many ways. He would stay up all night, not care about my schedule...Then I brought up a possible date with someone else because he wouldn't answer any of my more serious questions about us. He then put up a wall and acted like we were just casual and brought up the other girl. I think I maybe scared him? I don't know? Just the abrupt way he acted and to be in a relationship with this person after days of knowing eachother...maybe it won't last, I hope not. I want to hate him, yell at him. I haven't said one word or reply to him. I said I love him, he knows and he threw it away. I wondered that him being bipolar would account for this, because I feel like no respectable person would do this to someone they cared about. I just have no answers and it kills me. I am trying to move past this, but he never answered me, just ran away into someone else and its like i went crazy! I am trying to justify that we had something, that I didn't make this up in my head. He looked at me that way...the eyes don't lie. Each day I struggle to pass the time, distractions aren't enough.

[liliacmoon]

I disagree. Not everyone with bipolar is nice. SOme people are jerks naturally yes, that would of been their personality if they did not have bipolar but the fact is, is that he does have it and if anything it makes the jerk in him worse. Btw, mine changed his appearance in the beginning too! It has to be a bipolar trait! I never asked him to do, he took it upon himself to do it, and months later threw it in my face that he just did it for me and he doesnt even like it. WTF? After we ended things, he went back to how he looked and acted when I first met him. I'm just staying away for now. This is insane!

[AshDashDot]

TipToeTulips:

I don’t know if you still post on this forum but I can completely identify with your story. It’s not you. You are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you and you are 100% right for feeling the way you do. I’ve just had a similar situation with someone who is Bi-Polar. In fact, I Googled “heartbroken bipolar” and stumbled upon this page. Here’s my story…

3 months ago I moved to the same town as my sister to be closer to her. I also joined the gym that she belonged to because I figured we could be workout buddies but due to an unexpected change in her work scheduled, that didn’t plan out as planned. When initially joining the gym, you receive 3 complimentary personal training sessions. My appointment was booked by the front desk. When the time and date of my appointment came, I met my new trainer. HIM.


His name was “T” and he was incredibly handsome and tall. I’m talking 6’8”. He was gorgeous, had this great smile and I was instantly attracted to him. “T” & I spent the next hour and a half together talking about everything from personal training, what my diet plan should be, things gym related, personal stories, shows we watch on tv, everything. Came to find out that he just moved to the same area as I did too, from out of state and really didn’t know anybody. So joking around, I told him “Hey, we can be buddies”.


After my 3 free sessions of training were expired, “T” asked me how serious I was about continuing training. I explained to him that I had just moved closer to my sister because I had been laid off months ago from my job, was on unemployment at the time and that I really couldn’t afford to do it. He said to me “Don’t worry about it. I’ll train you”. I told him that I couldn’t pay him and his response was “I know you can’t. That’s why I want to help you. I can sense that you want this, to make yourself feel better with all that you are going through. Plus I enjoy helping people”. In hindsight, I should have seen that as a red flag. But vulnerable me saw it as here was someone who genuinely was trying to help me. I’m not sure if I can even call myself vulnerable. I mean, wouldn’t most normal people see that as a kind gesture of help?


Anyhow, from then on, “T” and I had trained 3-4 times a week together for the next several weeks. The first week we worked out together, talk, share stories, laugh, and became friends. We would email back and forth when I wasn’t in the gym, talking about diet plans and keeping track of what I was eating, etc. It was great. Here was working out with this handsome man, who I thought was so sweet and intelligent, amazing all around and we had a lot in common. It felt magical. Every day I couldn’t wait to see him. But because we had a professional connection, I was nervous to cross the boundaries. Then, one day out of the blue he text me to ask me out. He told me some people from the gym were going out for drinks and asked me if I wanted to come. I was ecstatic.


I met him for drinks and needless to say I had the time of my life. As the night winded down, “T” asked me if I wanted to go back to his house, just to hang out. We went back to his house and stayed up all night until the sun came up talking about everything. We shared stories about our childhood, where we grew up, past relationships, you name it. I really felt me and “T” were connecting and bonding even closer. Then he tried to kiss me. I told him no and told him that I’m not looking to have just a physical relationship with somebody. He kept pushing and pushing and I still said no. He then said “Okay, we’ll take it slow and see where it goes”. He asked me if I would stay with him over night, no sex, just to lie in bed together and talk and cuddle and that we’ll spend the next day together. It felt awesome hearing him say that. It made me feel that he really respected my feelings, that he just didn’t want sex from me and that he sincerely liked me just as much as I liked him. So I smiled and gave him a kiss. We ended up staying up all night talking. We woke up the next afternoon and he made me breakfast. We ended up spending the day together and it was awesome. Like you, even thought it was fast, I was starting to feel that maybe something was developing here.


“T”’s worked 14 hour days Mon-Fri. He told me at the beginning of us seeing each other, that it would be spotty because of his schedule. I understood and because I had a life of my own going on as well, I had no problem with seeing him whenever I did. I didn’t see him outside of the gym until the following weekend. During the week, he didn’t try calling me or texting me, but I did see him in the gym. The following weekend, he called me on Saturday and asked me to come with him to a party at his friend’s house. He also asked me to stay over again and that the next day we would spend the day together and that he would take me out to dinner. We when got to the party, we had a few drinks like people normally do. After about an hour or so, I saw “T” chugging from a bottle of scotch. He went from chugging scotch, to chugging vodka, to chugging another hard liquor I don’t recall all within less than 2 hours. I thought maybe because he was a big guy, that maybe he had a high tolerance. Long story short, I had to end up driving his car, with us in it, back to his home and stayed the night because he black outed drunk .


Then next day, he woke up around 1pm in the afternoon in a panic. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he had plans to go to this boss’ house for a bbq that afternoon and needed to get ready to go. So I said, “Wait a minute? I thought we were spending the day together?” He said, “Sorry I forgot. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll take you this week.”. Of course, I felt very hurt but I let it go, gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited to see what he did during the week. While he was getting ready, I saw him take some medication. He had 3 very large bottles of pills on his dresser. When I asked him what they were for, he told me “I’m bipolar. I’m supposed to be taking all 3 but the other 2 have side effects I can’t handle”.
I didn’t fully know what bipolar was. I know that it meant manic-depressive, because as a young girl, my mother’s friend had it and was hospitalized several times because of it but I didn’t know all the details. Needless to say, I found out VERY quickly. Just like you, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into either. I just thought it was something he would take medication for…like depression or anxiety and that he would be fine like everyone else. I was really naïve about the whole thing. Boy, I wish I knew then what I know now.


So the week passed by, I really didn’t get a chance to go to the gym much because I was busy and of course “T” never kept his plan of taking me out to dinner. Friday came along and there was a terrible lightning storm in our area that blew out a transformer, leaving me without power. Not wanting to stay home by myself in the dark, I text messaged “T”, told him what happened and he told me to come over.
When I drove over to “T”’s house, I called him to let him know I was there and to open the door. His cell phone was dead and went straight to voicemail. I knocked on the door, to have two of his roommates to answer. They told me that “T” had been drinking and was blacked out in his bed. They offered to let me to inside to try to wake him up. One of his roommates said “He drinks so much all the time”. I had just spoken to him a half hour prior. This lead me to think “How much is he drinking when I’m not around, compared to how much he drinks when I was around”. I went into his bedroom and he was out cold. I tried whatever I could think of to wake him. Nothing. So I sullenly laid in the bed next to him, tearing up and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning to him cuddling up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. I pushed him away. He asked me why I was I so upset. I told him because he had told me to come over, I drove all the way there in the pouring rain and he was blacked out drunk. That it made me feel that he didn’t even care that he had disappointed me. He told me I was being ridiculous and turned his back to me. He told me that I had to leave soon because he had to go to work. Again, him not keeping plans, just like your guy. This was all starting to build me up to feel depressed, alone and miserable. I kept questioning as to why was this great guy who was so kind and genuine and compassionate and caring of me when I first met him, now being so dismissive of me? Was it something that I did? Was I being too clingy? Was I asking for too much? What was it?!


The following week I didn’t go to the gym much either. I was upset about what was going on between me and “T” and I wanted to give things so space. He text me that Friday night and asked me why haven’t I been to the gym all week. I didn’t want to ruffle his feathers, so I just told him that I had been busy. He told me that he was sorry he hadn’t been in touch either, that he was really busy and stressed out with work and that he missed me. He asked me if I would come over, cuddle with him and watch movies. So of course, thinking he was legit and missing him too, I obliged.


When I got to “T”’s house, he was so affectionate with me. Holding me, caressing me, telling me how gorgeous I was. Telling me there was no other woman in the world that he wanted to be with more than me. Telling me how awesome I’ve been to him and that it meant so much to him that I reached out to be so kind to him knowing that he didn’t know anybody in the area. All these left me feeling elated. This is exactly what I’ve been waiting to hear from him. Long story short, this lead to us finally having sex. And it was great. Passionate, romantic, sensual, you name it. Absolutely amazing.


The weeks that passed after that, things between us seemed to be back to normal. We were working out together in the gym almost every day again, saw each other on the weekends, everything was great. Then, I was late with my period. Of course, like any normal female, I was nervous and I turned to “T” for support. He told me whatever the situation was that he would be there for me and that we would work it out together. This calmed my fear. I made an appointment with my doctor to find out what was going on and it turned out that I was indeed pregnant. When I told “T” the news, he lashed out at me and said “I can’t have a baby with you. Make an appointment and I’ll pay for it” and hung up on me. I was completely shocked and taken back by his comment. Here he was telling me we’ll handle the situation together should there be an occurrence just a few short days ago and now he was completely dismissive of the whole situation all together! When I tried to call him back, he didn’t answer. I called and called and called. He didn’t answer. I sent text messages, nothing. I was so devastated; I didn’t know what to do. I was completely beside myself. The hurt, the pain, it was so unbearable. I was literally sick to my stomach for days. I went to the gym to talk to him discretely and he wouldn’t speak to me. I hid in the ladies locker room hysterical crying. I felt so hurt, alone and abandoned. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. For almost 2 weeks I tried contacting him and he still blew me off. I was so sick, so stressed out that I miscarried. As horrible as an experience as it was, maybe it was God intervening for a reason.

After my miscarriage, I spent weeks away from the gym. I couldn’t bear to see “T”’s face. It was just too painful. I went to see a therapist to recover and heal myself for this terrible situation I was in. I felt all this unresolved feelings of hurt and he was no help with his lack of response. I still felt compelled to tell him how much he had hurt me and that I had miscarried. I mean, didn’t he even care to know whether or not he was going to have a child?! My therapist suggested I try writing him a letter, telling him how I felt. So I did so. I put it in an envelope and put it to the side for when I was ready to give it to him. Finally after a few more weeks, I returned back to the gym. I was after all a paying member and I wanted to refocus on getting myself back into my routine. The day I decided to give him my letter, I walked up to him and said I had something for him. He nastily said “What is it?” I said just read it.


Days passed and of course I didn’t hear a word from him. It wasn’t until a week and a half later when I was walking into the locker rooms that I literally bumped into him coming the other way. I took him by his wrist and I said “Hey, we need to talk”. He said “Not here”. I said “Can we go somewhere and talk?” He said “Not now”. I said “Okay, then when?” He said that he would call me later that night. He also followed up with saying “You are acting ridiculous. You need to grow up.” This made me SO irate. I said, “No. YOU need to grow up. And you need to stop lying and you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and stop blaming me for everything. Do you even know I had a miscarriage?!” He looked at me and I walked away crying. Of course, he never called me.


So, I texted him and told him everything that I felt. His response to me was “I got evicted out of my house today because of a disagreement with my roommates. I have a **** load going on with work. I have worse problems than to deal with you. You’re unstable. You are threatening and that scares me. If you don’t leave me alone, I’m getting an order of protection against you.” WHAT?! I was in total utter disbelief!!!! I could not BELIEVE that this man was blaming me and calling me unstable, threatening and scary!!! He just told me he got evicted out of his house (which I’m sure was due to his roommates not tolerating his alcoholic binging and behavior), hours prior he told me that he would call me to discuss our situation yet he couldn’t recognize his behavior and was calling me unstable for contacting him about something he agreed to talk about?! WTF was going on here.


I was so deeply devastatingly heartbroken. I couldn’t believe this man who was so kind and sweet and what I thought was genuine, who offered to help me out in the beginning at his own free will had turned into this monster. What happened to that sweet guy? I was so confused and broken and ironically, I still cared for him and was worried about where he was staying now that he was evicted and didn’t really know anyone in our area. Why did I still care about this man who was so horrific to me? I am still completely destroyed inside. This only happened a few days ago. I’m still pining for find out answers from him and why he treated me and acted to me this way. I can’t seem to move on and get over it. I’ve continued to speak to my therapist but everything with her is text book. None of my friends and family understands how I feel because they never experienced it firsthand. I feel like nobody understands how I feel and that nobody understands that I just can’t get over it. Like you said, any kind of human response from him, “I’m sorry”, any recognizing, accountability, acknowledgement, ANYTHING. It’s so hurtful and painful. And like you said, I don’t know if “T” will ever do that either. I am completely heartbroken. I have the same unanswered questions as you do…How did I get so lost with his man? How does an intelligent person end up there? How much of his mental illness did this? How does a person just flip like that? The only thing that’s getting me out of the house is that I have to work in order to survive. I’m an intelligent woman for Christ’s sake. I’m a paralegal with a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice from a highly accredited university. Why is it that I can’t let go of what this man did to me?!

Thank you TipToeTulips for sharing your story. It’s somewhat comforting to know that I’m not alone in this.

[A Red Panda]

AshDash: That guy really sounds quite horrible. He's an alcoholic and an absolute jerk. But aside from having substance abuse issues... the way he treated you isn't due to his bipolar. And loads of people have substance abuse issues without being bipolar.

His horrible treatment of you is just because he is a horrible person. It sounds like he played you; told you all the right things to get what he wanted from you, and then he was done.

[pollybee89]

Hi! I needed to write you because I totally understand you: I've been thru the EXACT SAME THING recently (a week and a half ago I broke up with a guy who did almost the same thing to me). It is outstanding out similar our experiences are! My exhausted wandering for answers got me here.

Just like you, I dated a man for only 1 month that seemed like so many more. Started too intensely... I have to mention, he is an englishman while I'm argentinian, he's 30 I'm 25, he's a military engineer, I'm a student still. And he's depressed (as his mother was), altho I also think he could be bipolar (his sisters are, as he told me).
I want to tell you my short-long story because when I read yours, I felt like what happened to me, only that my crazyguy gave me 2 reasons: emotional incompatibility and the fact we'll be separated soon (he doesn't live in my country, and I'm goin away on studies in some months anyway).

When I met him, I was trying to recover from a previous bad experience with another guy... I was eskeptical about meeting anyone really.
I used a dating App and was just boringly watching profiles when I saw this guy in my city (which never has people I like)... and I thought why not. We talked, he seemed nice, next day we met for a wine. I wasn't impressed by his profile, it was just selfies of his beard and his kinda-sad looking face, and some dogs, and him on a military uniform... ok...

But when I met him, I was so wowed by him because he was everything I liked in a man: he looked like a well dressed viking, soft spoken but manly, a gentleman, caring, chilled, we liked the same kind of movies, series, music (we even shared our favourite love song), foreigner, interesting, smart, very well paid at a safe job, same religion beliefs (atheists), and he even had the only english car you could find in this little spanish town, haha!... I was flipping out. I'm 25 and he's 30. I'm not used to so well-setted men who share almost every interest with me. He was perfect. He'd constantly text me after we first met. He'd constantly ask to see me, so we saw eachother very often, almost every day of the week.

On our 2nd date, he cooked a wonderful meal for me, with expensive white wine to match the dinner, and his place was candle lit. I was wowed.

Days later, he took me to my very first dinner at a fancy restaurant (I couldn't believe it!)... and there he confessed to me he was depressive but that he was taking his meds so he was dealing with it. I accepted lovingly because I was too wowed by my luck of finding him to even think of not supporting him in his struggle.
For 3 weeks, we did plans nonstop. It was Easter time so we both had a lot of free time. We met with my friends, hung out with my little puppie and my little brother, hung out with his friends, he told his mother about me, I posted pics on FB of both of us and he'd be totally ok with it, he told me he was quite proud of being seen with me. His sisters 'liked' the pics, and his friends, everyone could see us there...
One night, I couldn't resist it. I was quite hooked up to him by then, I was too used to seeing him by then... at the mids of our 3rd week. We were about to sleep, hugging, and I told him, feeling totally vulnerable, "I really like you"... he waited and replied "You're one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me" in his deep soft spoken way. I asked him to be my boyfriend, he said yes and asked the same to me. I said yes. In years, I haven't been so happy and so in peace at the same time.
There I think I just let myself go. I allowed myself to fall in love with him.

We had some fights because I'm very emotional and we were constantly going out and drinking, which didn't help. Every time we argued, he'd tell me "You're too emotional for me, I'm what people call emotionally retarded, I can't deal with those strong emotions because I don't understand them and they stress me out". But I just couldn't stop myself when drinking, so I stopped drinking. I thought with that fights would stop and we'd be ok. And we did for some days.
But he had so many vices... 5 hours (or more) daily of videogames, 1 package of cigarettes per day, constantly drinking wine and pints at the pub where he always hangs.

During our 3rd week, I started to feel tired of the same plans: videogames, drinking, smoking, that's it. I started to feel anxious about it because I thought maybe he felt the same way. So I started to get distant. I wasn't replying so much to his texts because I was afraid he'd get tired of seeing me. I wanted to give him time and space to get back at me excited as he was in the beginning... We had trouble about it too because he got stressed about it. But we talked, he adviced me to get 'professional help' and told me he wanted to be there to confort me and support me... and we moved on, together. It was ok again.

By the end of the 3rd week, there was a massive problem with a locksmith, where I helped him nonstop interpreting from spanish to english, for day and a half (mid sunday to tuesday I was there for him). He even stayed at my house that sunday (I live with my family) because he couldn't enter his flat. So next day he met my mother, briefly. He woke up and almost ran away to meet the locksmith... But staying with me at my house, meeting my family, that for me was a huge deal... Really huge.
The following monday I was so stressed out helping him I completely forgot about Uni and about everything. I was just there to help him solve this issue. I cooked for him because he seemd to have forgotten about it. From 1 pm to 9 pm, nonstop, trying to solve this issue with him.

Tuesday came and we could solve it (but he had to pay 1000 euro in one day because some locksmith tricked him and pull his whole door away)... But, as the military service pays him so stupidly well, he was ok with it.
That day he gave me a lift home and told me he'd invite me for dinner the upcoming days to thank me for all my help. I told him with an icecream I was fine, I just loved to help him.

Tuesday night I couldn't sleep. Trouble. I was watching his FB and noticed that at one pic where there wasn't any likes before (and you could see his naked ***... I mean, a very innocent pic but still) there was one from a girl from London. I took a screen cap and sent him with "just curious but who is she?" at 2 am. Ok, not cool, but women sometimes do the most stupidest things ever...
Next day at Uni, he was replying I shouldn't send stuff like that, it was weird for him to watch it, and that was an ex, and blabla... I just wanted to know who she was and leave it like that. But he started to get weird about it and so did I. He didn't reply back for a whole day. During the night, he called and said "we're emotionally incompatible, and besides I'm gonna leave soon, and you'll too, it'll be tougher by then so there's no sense in going on with this, we're thru, it's a decision I've made and you got no choice on it".
Coldly.
I went to his house, he came downstairs, told me the same, coldy. Looked into my eyes, coldly, and told me "There's no more you and me, I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore, we're too different, you're too emotional, we're done, accept it, there's nothing you can do". I told him I had feelings for him, he told me him too but that he couldn't go on like this, and knowing we would be soon separated he wouldn't enjoy the time with me... He had no more to say.
He tried to go upstairs again and I couldn't leave him so I stepped between the door so it wouldnt close (I couldnt let him go), asking him to please reconsider things, that it was a couple's fight and that's it, that we should try again, that this couldn't be happening from one day to the other, and how could he change his mind so much, etc...
He threatened me to call the police if I didnt let him shut the door. I couldn't, I was in shock and by no means I could imagine him leaving. He called the police. He walked to the station threatening me that if I didn't go home he'd put a report on me. I couldn't believe he'd harm me that way, it was so hurtful that I couldn't wake up and go, i'd just walk next to him and whisper 'Please, don't do this...'
He made an scene in the streets. Told me I was infuriating and that I was mental. I just couldn't leave, even when I wasn't really talking and I wasn't even touching him. He was my gentleman just one day ago and now he was this. It was too unreal.

He saw a patrol car and went their direction so he could report I was 'stalking' him. Then I freaked out, and went away. I called a friend in shock, and went to her place (2 hours away from my city...). Got there by 12 in the night, completely destroyed.

The following days I wouldn't eat, would barely try to smile not to look so miserable, but wouldn't stop crying. I couldn't understand how this happend. That because of a silly fight he'd push me away so coldly and with no return, after only 1 month.

It's been a week and a half. I've been really down. I've had sex with 2 other english men, trying to forget him, tryin to feel excited again... Nothing.
I fought physically with my mother during a night where I was drunk and had texted him and he said I should let this go, we weren't and would never be a couple...
That night I totally broke down. I feel so miserable for fighting with my mother. I went insane. I think I really lost it that night. A friend was there and pulled me away. I don't know how but I had some wounds in my face, which are still healing, and might leave a scar.
I saw him a couple of times, when we met so he could give me my stuff back. He was cold. And met him again at the pub he always hangs (I went there 3 days in a row -with other people- to see him, as I'm still not over it).

And it doesn't end there. My period hasn't come in a regular way. Last time I was with him I bled a little (we didn't take precautions, I thought I found the one so we stopped using it). After he broke up with me, blood came 2 days and then went away, when usually it's 5 days. I told him I'm scared, and he told me he'd buy me a pregnancy test and that he wanted to be there when I take it (I'm sure he's afraid I'm gonna trick him or something) so we could do it TODAY in his house.

I'm writing also because after all I've been in a week and a half, where I even lost my head, seeing him again, privately, I don't know how that's gonna work out... I wish he knew I never meant any harm to him, and how much I love him despite all the damage he has done to me. Deep inside I still wanna be with him and feel like in the beginning.
I don't know what to expect. He wrote an hour ago that he already bought the test (he bought TWO TEST KITS "just to make sure"). In a few hours, I'm going to his flat and take it. But I don't know how to act then. The nerves from the test and from being like this with him...
I feel used, and like he wants to really make sure with those kits so that if they are negative he has nothing at all to do with me anymore. But if they positive? I feel like he hates me now, he thinks I'm pathetic for being so attached to him.

But I am like this because he allowed me to for 4 weeks that felt like much more time...

I don't know what's gonna happen and I'm scared. My emotions are just all over the place. I can't allow him to hurt me any more. To look at me coldly, and if I open up to him and tell him how I still feel, he'll reject me again and I'll fall into that deep hole again...
I understand you so. Even when he gave me these reasons, I still can't believe how from one day to the other he left me so coldly.

Wish me luck today. I hope you're totally over your bad experience.

[qnzstrong01]

I have been in a similar situation. It hurts like hell. Be strong and continue to live your life. Its something that I am struggling to understand the dynamics as well. Is this characteristic of bipolar? Please advise. When someone has the ability to intensity to love hard and fast, committing then shying away from commitment and deep emotion.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by qnzstrong01

I have been in a similar situation. It hurts like hell. Be strong and continue to live your life. Its something that I am struggling to understand the dynamics as well. Is this characteristic of bipolar? Please advise. When someone has the ability to intensity to love hard and fast, committing then shying away from commitment and deep emotion.

This is not characteristic of bipolar. People with AND without bipolar have the ability to love hard and fast then shying away. It's not a bipolar thing. It's more of a personality and character thing.

[Erebos]

Hang on....this is like the 3rd necrobump in under a week?!? :-\