If a girl is warm and friendly to you, does that mean she is into you?

More like I'm far more focused on myself than other people.

It's not that I am not interested in a woman's personality; it's more of the fact that I find attractive women intimidating due to my own insecurities. Because of this, I look for ways to compensate for my weaknesses and shortcomings as a person. I then use my entrepreneurial goals and my desire for self improvement to further make myself out to be both more appealing to other people and stronger as a person (or at least that's what I'm trying to do).

I don't consider my way of thinking distorted in any way nor do I think that I'm the problem. If anything, I am stronger and better than most people because I am striving to be better. I have little use for a therapist and spending years dealing with their B.S when all I need are my own methods and a bit of money and I will be fine.

I'm done thinking like a loser; it is time to take what I want out of life via any means necessary. I will ask her for the coffee whenever I see her next and if she declines I will simply take it as a sign that I need to further improve myself and then move on to somebody else.

It wouldn't surprise me if I have OCD at this point lol.

I don't have the time to see a psychologist to get rediagnosed though.

Well, you could always take a self psych exam to get an estimate on it..

But ocd has to do with more than just obsessive thoughts like you described in this thread

He wrote: "I've been obsessing with self improvement a lot lately" and "My obsessions are so extreme now that I am planning on dropping hundreds of dollars on..."

Reading his posts over time, he very frequently mentions these obsessive behaviors and obsessive thoughts. They are characteristic signs of OCD.

So, you diagnosed him yourself. Okay, thanks.

The point of the post was to suggest he might want to see a therapist/doctor to get an evaluation or counseling for his obsessive behaviors and distorted thoughts. If he isn't interested in that, that's totally his prerogative. I was just tying to be helpful since he seems to be engaging in a lot of negative self-talk and seems pained by his thoughts that he "isn't good enough for a girl this beautiful." Changing this way of thinking-- and the obsessive spending of energy and money on being "totally ripped"-- might be a way to be happier. Those of us on the forum just want to see others move towards being in less emotional pain.

Wow... "Those of us on this forum"...

Am I now not a member of this forum bc I thanked you for your clarification? That is truly what I did. I asked you a question. You responded. I simplified your response and thanked you. You responded to that with something that comes off as sounding as though you somehow consider me less than you or maybe not wanting to help him.

Did you not notice I responded to him before you did?

There are in fact several reasons a person can have obsessive thinking apart from OCD, which was why I asked for clarification. There is also the possibility he used the word "obsession" but was not intending it in the way a psychologist would. I also asked because many on this forum do seem to try to diagnose others, without ever being asked nor having any previous background of the person nor even possessing a medical degree or knowledge to make said diagnosis. Making diagnosis under those circumstances I find both wrong in general and insulting to the person "given" the diagnosis.

I didn't want to accuse you without​ asking, and even after asking I didn't​ want to attack you ... but you came at me, so there you go, now you have your full response.

Oh, in case you are wondering....
PTSD
depression
anxiety
bipolar

Those are a few of the others that can have obsessive thinking as a symptom

I did not come at you or attack you in any way. I interpreted your response to me as rude, but I still responded politely by explaining that my intention was to be helpful to the OP. I was only going by the language he used, and if that is not what he meant by the phrase "obsessive behaviors" then I would not have used the term OCD. I was not diagnosing him myself (as you still say I am doing); I thought that he was describing his own behaviors that way. I'm also not unfamiliar with diagnoses or medical terms (I have a PhD in the field) but I didn't even mention that because I didn't want to seem arrogant or to imply that I could diagnose someone over the internet (which I cannot). I just thought that since this is a psychotherapy forum, and he was using that terminology, that is what he was referring to. I was not attacking you or him. My only intention was to try and suggest something that *might* be helpful for the symptoms he was describing. I still don't understand why you are attacking my attempt to be helpful. Even if my suggestion wasn't helpful, it was made with good intentions and I cared enough to listen and to *try* to help.

I did not attack you until your last response as it came off as an attack on me

I would be interested to know how thanking a person for clarifying something is rude, by the way.

I never implied you did not have knowledge of diagnostic information. I said many here that do not attempt to do that and I find it both wrong and insulting to the person receiving the dx.

Done with this now, if you want to talk to me - pm me. This is Darkness thread. He is a friend of mine. I won't keep cluttering his thread.

Somewhere here I saw someone Say maybe she likes that slightly awkward quietness.

I know a lot of girls who do.
I know they say confidence is attractive and it is, but we are talking about the difference between, being self assured and ego here.
Confidence IS attractive arrogance isn't.

Thing is if you ask her now and she says yes then you know for sure she likes you for you.
Well as much as anyone can be sure.x
All the best.

Darkness, you are saying things that are such faulty thinking. 'You are not good enough for a beautiful woman, you are getting ripped and rich and then you will be...'

On some level, having looks and money is obviously a plus. But it doesn't work the way you are thinking.

Being 'good enough' for starters, is a good place to open this huge conversation regarding your faulty thinking:

What makes you good enough for her? What makes her good enough for you? What are you imagining this whole relationship to be?

1. I am good enough for my SO because ...
I love and care for him, I have his back and best interests at heart, I treat him well and add to his life

See what I'm saying?

I see a lot of distorted thinking here. Certainly one doesn't need to be ripped or rich to have fulfilling life or date beautiful women. It doesn't mean you shouldn't care about your appearance or that you shouldn't work out or have fulfilling well paid career, but your believe that money and biceps will attract beautiful women, is distorted thinking. It might attract shallow gold diggers, smart decent women look deeper than that.

I wasn't upset or insulted by anything that you said BTW in case you thought I was. I totally get where you're coming from and I know that you mean well.

I just don't think therapy is for me. I don't see anything wrong with how I am anymore because I see it as advantageous in my professional life. Since my goal is to be a successful entrepreneur, most successful entrepreneurs that I've talked to or read blogs, articles, or postings on other forum sites have mirrored my thoughts on this. I feel like if I dedicated myself to therapy, I would be forced to lose all of this passion and so called "obsessive thoughts" which push me forward. I feel like a therapist would have me face a lot of feelings that I have that I simply am not ready to deal with yet and I feel like investing so much time and energy into healing by the means of a therapist would only hurt me right now since it has taken so much work to build myself up from the person that I was last year to who I am now.

Many of those who succeed in business talk about how one must make your goals your obsession and invest money into yourself and what not. I actually plan on doing all of this. I will be dropping some money later this year on a life coach to help me push myself forward and channel this part of my personality into succeeding as well as dropping money into courses (both online created by people that I trust as credible sources and possibly at my college) so that I can improve my social skills and ensure that I'm the best possible version of myself. Perhaps in the future sometime, I will face the emotional side of me that I neglect. I'm just not ready yet.

Maybe I should just accept that I'm simply not good with emotions or connecting with people on a personal level. I'm an INTJ who is purely logical and sucks with emotions. I am goal oriented in nature and am a lot stronger with logical thinking and technical stuff than I am with people. So women aren't the shallow ones; I am. I am because I suck with emotions. Nobody would want somebody that they can't connect with emotionally unless that person has something that the other person wants. I am naturally bad with these types of things so I look for alternative ways to get my needs met.

When you start to say Nobody would want me or I am not good enough for anyone you are expressing thoughts that are not accurate and will cause loneliness and sorrow in your life.

I can support what you have expressed as your desire to "obsess" to success to business. To finish fixing your personal life, though, in my opinion you will need more than success in business. I believe that you will be well-advised, either on your own or with someone to help you, to correct the inaccurate thinking outlined above.

It is simply a self esteem issue. Many of us here have that. When a person has issues in childhood (as Darkness has expressed in several other threads), self esteem generally becomes an issue. It is not insurmountable and is something he more than likely can overcome with self help books and a life coach as he is speaking of doing. It is simply a different method of healing than most here choose to take.

Darkness,
You are good enough, and when you start to think you are not, remind yourself of at least 3 reasons you are.

People can want you, and when you start to think otherwise - think of 3 reasons it would be beneficial to others to have you in their life.

This is how I go about improving my self esteem. It takes a bit. Sometimes I have to speak it aloud to help myself remember, but after awhile - it sticks and it makes you stronger.

That's the thing. I can't think of 3 reasons for others to have me in my life. I'm still lacking in the most basic human elements that others crave such as being able to connect with people emotionally and being charismatic. I am working on boosting my social skills but I will still have to deal with the hardest thing off all for me; connecting with people.

I guess what I'm wanting to accomplish is finding a way to be more comfortable and confident around women or people in general and being able to ask them for their numbers or getting a coffee or whatever without feeling so overwhelmingly hurt when I'm turned down. I want to figure out how to boost my confidence and social skills to be able to do this without dealing with a therapist and facing many of my feelings that I want nothing to do with when facing them hurts so much.

I can't even keep making threads like the one here talking about these types of things at this point because some of the responses here has caused me to feel like crap all day because being told some of the things here brings up some of the feelings that I simply don't want to deal with. I am not good with feelings and I find all of these emotions overwhelming and confusing to deal with. Not to mention, between school, work, and my upcoming business, I don't have the time to deal with something that takes such an significant amount of time and energy to deal with.

So if some of you think that I don't care about what you have to say; that isn't the case. I know some of you are right but I simply am not ready to face this part of me yet.

Anyways, I might make another thread about this later. I really want to find a better way to deal with this; especially since my life coach idea would cost more money than I thought.

I will help you with the 3 things then.

1. You are a good problem solver when things get "dicey", and relationships aren't always going to be easy

2. You are (despite your complaints otherwise) there for people you care for when they need someone

3. You refuse to give up just because "things get tough".

Those are all very good qualities about you and things that would make for a strong relationship.

Yeah, I guess you have a point. I can be valuable to those who I am able to get close to. Unfortunately, building those kind of relationships with people is still a struggle for me because I have a hard time connecting with people.

I'm not saying that it's impossible for me since if that were the case, I wouldn't have allowed you to get as close to me as I have. I'm only saying that it's not my strong suite and is extremely difficult for me to just approach random people and ask them things without knowing them first. I can't just approach a woman that I barely know and ask her out or even be able to talk to her without getting nervous and stuttering like an idiot wierdo without knowing about her first.

Since I have this issue, it makes building myself up to the point to where I am that loyal caring friend extremely difficult for me.

I'm the same way actually. I just let things happen naturally.

I met my husband when we lived in the Salvation Army shelter. He was in men's dorm n I was in women's dorm, but we all ate together. He saw me and decided to sit next to me. We just struck up a general conversation, the end of it was "would you like to go to the mall with me tomorrow?" I said ok. That was our first date. The next one was to the book store. We never really bought anything other than maybe some sodas and a cookie or something, but we talked a lot and got to know each other better. Those two places actually became our favorite spots even later. Sometimes it just takes saying "hi, how you doing?" and then the follow up question of "what you got planned for the day?" to kick start things. Very general, easy flowing, non-threatening conversations.

Thanks.

I still need to work on myself though but I will try to cut down on some of my negative thinking a bit.

There is no doubt that I need to work on my social skills. It just takes time to improve and I wish I didn't have to be lonely while I do the work to improve myself.

I guess I shall suck it up and fight on.

Social skills only improve with practice.

Similar to bike riding I guess.

It's hard to do at first. You keep crashing over and over initially. Then finally you get it right. After that, even if you decide to go years without using that skill again, when you do...you will be nervous, but all the knowledge will come right back. The only thing that will have changed is the slang .