My father is a beast...

I think its pretty obvious I've got an illness. Its not just something I "feel" I might have. General Psychosis is on my paperwork. You want more specifics? Your guess is as good as mine. Probably BPD as most people on here suggest.

Now hold the phone...no one is questioning whether not you have an illness.

From my perspective, you spend a great deal of time sort of beating around the bush instead of addressing your illness directly

You say things like "I'm a empath so I can't handle feelings, I hate to be rushed, I can't do this or that."

From reading your posts over time I get the impression that you are an articulate, intelligent, caring person.

I feel sadness and frustration that you spend so much time using your gifts to explain why you can't live a better life...instead of getting out there and living a fulfilling life.

I am very surprised that you have Psychosis? You never mentioned any of the symptoms and you are very coherent and certainly aren't ever dellusional. I thought you have severe anxiety and that's why you can't drive or hold full time job etc i don't know about empath, but I don't think it is an illness. I know diagnosis isn't always helpful or even accurate but sometimes it could be helpful and I certainly wouldn't diagnose myself. That could do more harm than good.

And sometimes therapy and treatment is more important than diagnosis. They deal with synptoms versus diagnosis anyways.

Seesaw

Yes it depends what kind of illness one has.

General psychosis isn't a diagnosis.

That's what they say I have. I personally think it's more or less emotional regulation disorder, more commonly known as BPD. I get very intense emotions that are hard to deal with sometimes. If they are negative emotions, like anger, sadness or distress, I turn the emotions inward and take them out on myself. I don't SI, per say, except that one time and that was in a fit of sheer defiance, so I don't think it counted. I usually just think violent and negative thoughts, usually directed at myself.

However, let's get back to the topic at hand, which is my father and his anger management issues, both past and present. I made this thread as an outlet for my fears and strong emotions so I wouldn't take them out on myself. All I wanted was sympathy and understanding. I got some constructive critism, which was helpful, don't get me wrong, and I also got some accusations thrown my way including having a victim mentality, having an "answer for everything" and "we don't know your dx so we don't know how to better help you". What does my dx have to do with being afraid of my father and his rage exactly?

I know I have a "sickness of the brain", as my father calls it, which immediately conjures up a mental image of a discolored, and rather inflamed brain for me, but in fact, it's all a product of both inheriting my father's quick temper and my inability to regulate strong emotions. I'm not using this as an excuse, rather building a background or foundation for you all to better understand me from.

Now, I'm seriously considering undertaking DBT, to help with my mood regulations, and I'm currently also taking Yoga to learn how to calm and center my mind. I'm not just sitting around complaining about everything in my life and doing absolutely nothing about it.

I've also looked up assisted housing for the mentally ill, and found some good information. I did that almost immediately after the fight my dad had with me. However, thinking about being on my own scares me to death because I have a poor short term memory. I don't know if it's because of the meds I take, or just the way my brain is, but if I can't remember to do certain tasks, like pay the rent on time, how can I possibly function on my own? I know it's a cheap cop out, I really do, but having anxiety like this is a strong deterrent for me.

My mother said that there is a strong possibility that she might move out, she's that unhappy. If so, I'll move in with her, look to see if where she plans on living is any closer to a bus stop than where we currently live, and if it's feasible to walk to one regularly from the new place, I'll look for a job as close to the bus's route as I can. If I can get said job, I can then focus on that housing situation and finally brave moving out to live on my own.

I know it's not what folks want to hear, but it's the best I can come up with for myself without driving myself crazy with anxiety. I'll also run it through with my Pdoc next time I see them. I'm hoping it's soon. I have the appointment written down on a card but I think I might left the card in a pocket or something and it ran through the wash. It should be coming up soon. It's been 4 months since I saw them last.

Anyways, I hope this is a more suffice answer than those I have been giving. I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally these days so I apologize if I've not been as accommodating as I could have been.

Artchic, you amaze me. You stand up for yourself so well. That takes a lot of inner strength and bravery. I hope you can see that.

Art, I actually made an illustration once of a brain in a wheelchair, because I felt like my brain was broken and betraying me.

I agree that BPD might be a diagnosis for you, but again I say that diagnosis sometimes doesn't matter. Many disorders have the same symptoms, and psychiatrists and therapists pretty much treat symptoms (generally, not for all disorders).

I think DBT would be great for you. And there are some great DBT workbooks you can order off of Amazon that you can do on your own.

I know being on your own scares you. It scares me and I've been on my own since I was 18 and I'm 37 now. But I think you will find a great deal more self esteem and confidence when you are able to care for yourself. And you absolutely can do it. There are ways to set reminders and use different tools to help your memory.

I use to be terrible about bills, but I started doing autopay through my bank for everything and no more late fees.

You can do it. And start your application for housing now, because there is usually a wait list. Plus, not that this will happen, but if your parents divorce, who will you live with? Will they have room for you? You need to think about what your move is going to be..your parents might say, time to fly the coop, regardless of your disorder.

Don't want to scare you, but that could happen.

Get on that housing application ASAP.

Seesaw

How has he been acting towards you now?

I do agree that moving out on your own is terrifying. I am getting my own apartment in 2-3 weeks where I will be responsible for paying my own rent and what not without any help from any grants or stipends for the first time in my life and I am still afraid. However, I am toughening it out because my only viable alternative is to either become homeless or get on a waiting list for services since I have nobody to support me anymore.

If I can make it on my own as a Muchasen (can't spell that word worth a damn) by proxy victim who had practically no life skills and struggled to take care of my basic needs after turning 18, than I am confident that you can manage.

Besides, if remembering to pay bills or rent is a barrier for you, there's an app for that these days

Artchic528........It all sounds so familiar. Been through the same type of situation. My dad was someone who very much had anger issues. I had my own problems. There was no way we could communicate to each other what was really important. I've learned one thing about this life. If you can't fend for yourself your going to be subservient to others in one way, shape, or form.
Sounds like your on your way to independence , and that will set you free.
People around you are going to have their own issues to deal with. That will be a big factor in how they treat you. Forget about them for now. Just concentrate on yourself.
Wishing you the best of success.....

I paid plenty of bills late and am terrified of opening bills and bank statements every freaking month, I was often late with bills because i was afraid to open them: for no serious reason though, I make decent money and I don't have any serious disorder/illness that could at least justify this idiocy.

My therapist said it's quite normal to have money and bills anxiety. You just figure out what works for you. Set it up automatic payments or pay ALL your bills on
a specific day etc set up reminder on your phone etc

What works for me is opening my bills and statements and paying all my bills with other people present where I can't get hysterical: in a coffee shop, at work during some type of break but with others there etc

We can't stop certain phobias or deficits but we can learn to cope. Plus with parents getting older, it's time to think about the future

great advice.

I pay bills late all the time. Not on purpose. Like I said, I used to have the same fear that divine had, but I got all my regular bills on autopay through the bank. Checking the mail is scary for me, but I realize that it's scarier not to check and have a lien on your bank account (been there). The fears you have are fears that everyone has when moving out. You just have to face those fears, not hide behind them. (Not that you are hiding, just trying to give encouragement.)

Bills suck. Whether I have enough to pay them or not. They stress me out as well.

Artchic,

You are very capable of learning and developing skills. You found this site and learned how to use it, so now you sign in and interact on this site without giving it a lot of thought. That is how we all learn, by DOING.

As far as your father is concerned, at one point he did hit you, so with that you know he is capable of that and when he does get angry you have "learned" to react to it and "feel" threatened. In turn, your father's way of interacting is also LEARNED behaviors and he tends to get angry when he is tired, stressed and the world doesn't spin HIS WAY. Also, without your realizing it, you have learned to exist in the dysfunction that is present in your home life too. You also learned how to be "dependent" and you have never actually learned how to be independent so you "fear" it.

Even wild animals who are designed to reach a point where they fend for themselves in the wild can be compromised if they are rescued and learn to be dependent on humans and to trust humans. As a result people who do wild animal rescues have to be very careful and "not" encourage these rescue animals to become pets and dependent and they make it a point to rehabilitate or raise these rescue animals in a way where these animals can get as closely as possible the kind of environment where they grow to become able to thrive in the wild.

You "can" learn to drive and you "can" learn to have a job and manage money just as you have learned to use this site. You "can" learn to deal better with your father and change things around that you know can upset him and also change your routine where you can be exposed to his moods when he comes home from work and vents his frustrations where you have been on the receiving end. A person can unknowingly get used to "waiting" for someone else to fix things "for them". The only way to slowly get away from that is to take steps, reasonable steps, towards doing for self instead of waiting for someone to come along and do "for" you. You say your short term memory is challenged, yet, just by hopping on the net and utilizing the net you have proven you can access your short term working mind and gradually develop skills.

When I taught young children how to ride one of the things I wanted them all to learn is to realize how they DO LEARN. I tell them all that whatever they are unsure of when they start, they will get to a point where they actually get it and it will feel "normal" to do what they struggle to do at first. And guess what, they all get to experience that and this is what encourages ALL of them to keep learning even more and feeling more comfortable that they actually can do just that.

You tend to make decisions about yourself that "limit" you. You are far from stupid, you can learn and develop good life skills.

Our family leaves all dishes by the sink until it is time to load the dishwasher. That is a matter of how the house does it.

Yes it depends on the household. Maybe that’s how your household does it but ckearly this isn’t how artchic house does it because her dad was upset arriving home to the mess.

Majority of household, including ops, don’t have arrangements that whoever stays home all day doesn’t take care of any chores cleaning tasks and whoever works all day will clean after coming home.

Regardless, she hasn’t been posting for awhile

Since the OP is unable to respond to this thread at this time, it will now be closed.