My father is a beast...

I understand he's stressed, but right now I think the majority of the household income comes from Mom now as he's got a job as a contractor who was hired by a second company to work for yet another. He only gets paid for how many hours he's at work, and doesn't have any benifits.

He has a problem, and I admit I slacked off a bit that day, but I usually have my dishes in the dishwasher, which I run at night. I also wipe down the counters in the kitchen whenever I use them to prepare food for either myself or the dogs and try to keep things tidy as possible in there. Saturday was sort of an off day for me.

He also was trying to rush me through the cleaning, bearing down on me and not letting up for even a second so I could collect my thoughts and breathe. I don't handle being rushed well at all. I get all panicky, frustrated and upset. I need at least a minute or two to access the situation and see what needs to be done before I tackle something like cleaning.

I'm sorry I come across as being entitled and all here, but honestly his attitude rubbed me the wrong way last night.

I see both sides. She's living in his home, and should be trying to help out with chores at home before he gets home. BUT, remember she has an MI, and that can make it hard to motivate and get things done around the house. I had a lucky day yesterday that I was able to get my kitchen mostly clean, but today, nothing....in bed the whole day...

When I go to visit my mom, I try to step in and help cook or do dishes after dinner, so she doesn't have to, and one day I was able to straighten up the dining room and living room.

And then they paid my rent for me so I wouldn't get evicted. I felt hugely ashamed that they paid for me the whole time I was visiting, but I know in the past I have treated them to dinners and breakfasts, and cooked for them when I've felt better, so they do understand my MI and how it disables or affects me, however you want to look at it.

I think you could make more of an effort to make sure all your stuff is put away before he comes home; just to help alleviate his stress...not saying walk on eggshells, just have your chores done before he gets home so he sees you contributing on your own and being responsible.

I think I had said in a previous post that it's got to be hard on him to deal with some of the curves life has thrown him. Not that excuses violent behavior, but understanding each other is the key to being able to live together and have a healthy relationship.

I think it's not difficult to figure out if dishes are clean in a dishwasher or not. Or text your dad and ask. Or just go ahead and re-run it so you're sure, and then you can empty it. And he's at work then empiring all day, that certainly enough time to figure out where everything goes.

Again, not excusing the violence, just saying that you could help him alleviate some stress by stepping up a bit.

Seesaw

I want to say too, I'm hearing a lot of excuses as to why you couldn't do things instead of solutions so that you get your stuff done. You can't walk the dogs yourself together. So walk them individually. You can handle one at a time, right? You don't know if the dishes are clean or dirty, so run the dishwasher again, it only takes like 45 minutes and then you can dry the dishes and put them away. If anything, hand wash you couple of dishes and put them away. I don't mind breakfast dishes still being in the sink in the evening, as I do all dishes in the evening anyways, but I live alone, so I make my own rules.

Again, not condoning his emotional blackmailing and bad behavior, but I think you can do things to help the whole family situation. To me it seems like this is a matter of multiple people doing things that bother each other, and all could behave better and do more to help alleviate stress for each other.

Seesaw

This is supposed to be a supportive environment. Usually when people make posts they are troubled about something. Empathy is needed, not criticism. As someone who has a dad who behaved like this, also, I suggest staying as far away from him as possible. It's easy to start getting used to this kind of relating with others, and then end up thinking that's normal, when it's unhealthy, no matter what you are doing or not doing to help out. You deserve respect. And I think that is what is really important here.

A supportive environment doesn't mean that we don't point out, gently, when people may be in the wrong. Supportive doesn't mean being yes men. No one here has denied Artchic support or feedback. All the suggestions I have seen are to help alleviate her situation and protect herself. You have to remember that some of us have been here a while and know each other better than others.

Again supportive doesn't only.mean hearing what you want to hear. Someone who truly cares will also point out where they see you going adrift.

She can't change her dad's emotions or behaviors, but she can change hers, and those changes may affect how he treats her.

Seesaw

Thanks for your support!

I had initially meant this thread just to be an outlet for my fear and frustration, and really wasn't looking for criticism to begin with.

Bottom line is I should have a home where I at least feel safe and relaxed, not stressed out and scared.

I don't have the emotional strength to defend myself, but just know that being accused of making excuses is a huge pet peeve of mine. Normally I would snap back, but like I said, I'm just too drained...

Constantly being on the edge of tears with frayed nerves does that I suppose.

It sounds like you're in the middle of a lot of turmoil that doesn't originate from you. Your father is an unhappy man, and he's taking that out on you. He's not exuding an air of real authority. He's just acting like a d!¢. Unfortunately, you kind of have to be the adult in the room. Otherwise, he is baiting you into becoming oppositional, which he can use as an excuse to get nastier. He has abandoned being the true leader that a father should be. He's miserable about his job and his marriage, so he lashes out at you. It's pathetic. He wants to feel powerful.

The fact that he has a history of assault and battery on you is disturbing. Right now you're dependent on him. (It's his house . . . well his and your mother's.) Your mother should not be okay with him being violent toward you. You don't really have the option of just leaving . . . at least not to go into better circumstances. But you might want to start planning for eventually exiting this home situation. Any chance of you going away to school?

He's a foolish man. Fathers get old. They can expect love back from their sons and daughters commensurate with what they put out. I see loneliness in your dad's future.

As far as I understood it from earlier posts, the physically aggressive behaviour occurred when she was a child. She's now 30.

I've had a lot of sympathy for some of these issues, having struggled with difficult family circumstances, and yet..... When I left home to go to university age 18, I came back after graduating to study for a postgraduate degree more locally, while living at home. And then on and off afterwards, while working. I didn't do my fair share of chores or make a big contribution to housekeeping finances, but I always worked full time, had (paid for and ran) my own car, kept my own room and most of my meals and did my best to take my parents out for day trips, where I organised everything and paid. My father continued to be challenging until he died, many years later. I was on and off various meds, didn't think therapy was for me and did my best to develop a career and be as self sufficient as I knew how. The point is, I tried to contribute. But at the end of the day, it was my parents' house. If they were struggling financially, I felt it was my responsibility to pay for something, particularly as they were retired. And as they got older, it was my job to do more.

No one is trying to excuse bad behaviour but this is about more than that. This is about Artchic's struggle to leave home. And all the stuff that goes underneath that. It's a difficult process to go through.

I'm glad you didn't snap back because of a pet peeve, but maybe you'll listen to the solutions I actually offered you that could make your life easier. Good or bad, pet peeve or no, you did offer excuses as to why you couldn't handle a few small things, and none of them was very compelling, to me. It's not like you even cited your illness in them, you just said you gave up, basically.

You can get mad at people trying to offer you solutions, or you can consider their solutions. If you're not going to move out, then you have to figure out how to get along, even with someone who has the emotional problem your father has.

Please try to be calm and see that I am trying to offer you alternatives so you can get your chores done, not just harp on pet peeves and ignore the whole post.

Seesaw

I think artchic said that he hit her once when she was a young child. It's wrong and I don't condone it but it's not a recent event and I don't believe it qualifies for assault and battery.

I don't think it's realistic to go away to college in one's 30s especially if living alone is an issue. I think obtaining some training locally or online and/or get in line for subsidized housing and SSDI is realistic though. That could get artchic out of the house.

I think it's really important for people to understand that often when people are having a really hard time, and are drained, advice, or what a person might think is constructive criticism is more destructive than constructive. A person should not end up feeling like they have to defend themselves or explain themselves to people they've gone to for an empathetic listening ear during a really hard time, when they are emotionally drained.

The comment about the physical abuse happening as a child, when she's now 30, was appalling. She is scared of that happening again. When a person is abused the fear doesn't go away. And he continues to be emotionally abusive. It doesn't matter what a person does or doesn't do to help out, an abusive person will continue to be abusive.

I don't know the whole situation, but I'm sorry that you are not able to find a way to leave the house. That must be extremely frustrating.

Thank you! I agree with the abuse statement.

I'm glad it helped, Artchic. Take care.

Okay. I had the impression that Artchic was much younger. It doesn't look like moving out is a viable option anytime soon.

In life, there's a price for everything. It sounds like this situation isn't going to change. When you live with people, you are forced to put up with them. The dad isn't likely to change. I've known a few situations where individuals in their 30's lived with their parents. It seems to never be a happy situation.

Artchick, you seem to have affection and empathy for your father, despite the difficult relationship. Maybe, from time to time, you could engage him in some conversation about his unhappiness - adult to adult. He's probably lonely. He sees you as a child he has to provide for. Maybe you still see your relationship with him as though you are supposed to be dependent, and he is supposed to be the provider. The two of you may need to relate to each other on a new basis. That tends to happen more naturally when a son or daughter leaves the nest. With you still being in the parental home, making that transition will be harder, and you'll have to take the lead.

Not sure I have anything hugely constructive to add.

Just wanted to say I have been in a similar situation (although I was in my late teens/20ish) and was a troubled young woman at a stuck point in my life - my father in particular was incredibly frustrated with me and one occasion did hit me (he also had stresses in his job so outside factors). I knew I needed to get my life together but him shouting at me and hitting me did not help one little bit, in fact it sent me even further down a spiral.

Note I am not blaming my father, but certain reactive behaviours are not helpful encouragement, it is harder to get yourself together when people around you react like this.

I did eventually get through that dependant tough time, and my relationship with my parents did improve. I love my dad to bits, and although I have seen his temper a few times since in adulthood, it still has an effect on me now. My therapist advised me that I needed to remind myself I was not that helpless child/young woman and was stronger than that now.

Wishing you lots of strength towards a more independent life, if you can work towards that I think you will thrive.

Wow. What a victim mentality. Many of us had parents who were physically abusive when we were children, but as adults it is completely different. Shouting and smacking or hitting a child is wrong, but to hold onto that fear 20+ years later is very sad. Meds and therapy help with that. A lot of people on this site are testament to that.

I disagree. It's a little bit of both. You can still fear someone years after an event especially if you have to live with them. It's incredibly difficult to live with a manipulative, abusive person.

Would it be less of a victim mentality in your eyes if the abuse I had to deal with as a kid had been sexual?

Artchic, I agree you should have a home where you are not stressed out and scared. Your situation at this home is not going to change. Perhaps it's time to get serious about removing yourself from a toxic environment and moving elsewhere. A group home, a room mate, a teeny tiny one room apartment, anything....

Thank you Shazerac! I'm kind of waiting to see if my Mom might move out on her own and then I'll decide what to do from there.

I suggested the same. ^ assisted living group home. Move out.

Nobody knows her diagnosis, and she has an answer for everything.

I already made a plan. Thanks for your concern though.

As an after thought, why would you reply with such words? They almost sound passive aggressive to me.

Meaning if we knew what kind of mental illness you feel you are suffering from, we could understand more.

Every suggestion we give is unacceptable.