[SheilaKathy]

SheilaKathy's Boyfriend

We've been together for maybe 6 months or so. He started it by sitting next to me in church one Sunday. Then he started saying "I love you." Well, I didn't really think about it, before I said, "I love you." back. Then I got really scared. I was scared to get involved with anyone.

Then he started asking me to marry him! I hardly knew him, so I said no. I was surprised by this. He kept asking me again and again and I kept saying No again and again too.

I finally told him that I am mentally ill a few weeks ago, I forget if I told him exactly how. I explained that this is why I don't want to get married.

I did tell him awhile back, like maybe 2 months ago, that I had been raped. He wanted right away to know if it had been violent. I said I did not want to discuss it further. He did not ask further for any details, thankfully.

I did tell him that sex is not going to happen. He still wants to be together, even so.

I don't ever let him into my apartment. Period, Not gonna happen.

We meet at restaurants and sit by one another at church. That is about it. We hug. I don't like kissing, so I told him so. He accepted that.

I know this is not much of a relationship, but it is all I can handle.

He is almost 80, and I am in my mid-60s. I am a widow from a marriage of 23 years. My husband was a good man, but I don't want to be a widow again!

Also, my boyfriend drinks. Not a lot. He just has a drink "once in awhile." I really did not want to be involved with a drinker. My husband had been a drinker before I met him. He was sober for quite some time before we met. If I had known that he had been a drinker, I would have not wanted to be involved with him, but I was already in love by the time I found out....

Anyway, this is about my boyfriend.

Now I have a problem. A very close friend of mine has invited himself (by way of his wife, who is like a best friend to me) to come and stay with me next week. She talked me into this, without asking me if it was OK. She just sort of said that he was on his way and would call me when he gets here!

Now I am in a pickle of a situation. I don't know how this will affect my relationship with my boyfriend. I don't know if I should tell him, or try to just keep it a secret? I am all flustered!!!

[Sunflower123]

If it were me, I would tell him. With Murphy's Law, chances are he could find out and wonder what you were hiding and why this guy can come in and he can't. I'm just about 60-40 on that though. Good luck with your decision.

I would tell him and be honest. What's the harm if it is just a friend and if your boyfriend loves you and would love to marry you, right?

A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust, so I wouldn't try to hide this - then it will seem more suspicious if he finds out somehow or you may act strange around him knowing you've kept a secret.

He'll understand since your friend invited himself and his wife didn't even ask you if it was OK.

(((Hugs))) Don't fret.

[SheilaKathy]

Yes, I am thinking that I had better tell him too. If he were to find out somehow, it could hurt his feelings, damage our relationship or just plain make things bad somehow.

I just have NO CLUE how to tell him. This all happened so suddenly! I did not have time to really think. I didn't get a chance to tell my girlfriend anything about my situation with my boyfriend and that I don't let him in here! She probably has no clue what she did to me.

We are long distance friends. She lives where I used to live, but no longer live. We have not been as close recently, because I have less phone minutes. Like right now I have something like 109 minutes left until the 1st of the month! None the less, it was she that had to get off the phone, this time, not me. He was about to be leaving to come on this trip.

I'm all flustered still!

[Maven]

I agree with telling him, but I'm also bugged that your friend's husband would invite himself over without getting permission first. If you don't want him there, I'd have a conversation with your friend and tell her you're actually not comfortable with it and cancel. Tell her to ask first, if you think you'd ever be OK with it.

Originally Posted by Maven

I agree with telling him, but I'm also bugged that your friend's husband would invite himself over without getting permission first. If you don't want him there, I'd have a conversation with your friend and tell her you're actually not comfortable with it and cancel. Tell her to ask first, if you think you'd ever be OK with it.

I agree that she should have asked!! That was very presumptuous that it would be OK.

[SheilaKathy]

Well, my prayers must have been answered, because she called me last night and said that he "could never stay with a single woman alone for the night, and he will be staying in a motel." Ah HAH! Thank God!!!

I think one of my greatest problems is that I am just too NICE. I allow people to "walk all over me." Bullies, pushy people, even and especially FRIENDS. I just allow them to make all the decisions, say whatever they want to, to me, without ever protesting. I was taught as a kid that I could never protest to ANYTHING. (Even being molested) so as an adult I rarely if ever protest, no matter what anyone is doing or saying to me!!!

This has posed many a problem in my life. I am a "pushover." And this HAS TO CHANGE. That is why I am applying for TRAUMA THERAPY. I will be evaluated for it on October 5th, at which point I am sure they will agree that I NEED it desperately. I will use this as one of the many examples in my life, that has been done of late, that proves that I need to work on building up some kind of "back bone" or defense mechanism or something. I don't know how to stand up to people. I don't know how to defend myself or to say, even ever so politely, "No." This has GOT TO change, and like yesterday.

Still, I will need to tell my boyfriend that my friend's husband will be meeting me and visiting me in my apartment. I think what I will do is to invite the BOTH of them to come visit me together. That should ease my boyfriend's mind and mine too!

I need to be more in control, and not be so controlled!!!

Good for you!!! That is a GREAT realization. And I'm glad your friend changed course. Happy to hear you are pursuing trauma therapy. I, too, have been a pushover and am far too "nice", so I can relate to this.

I have to learn how to say no better myself. As it is, I tried to exit from an online friendship, then felt too guilty for the way I handled it, so I added her back on my Skype when I really did not want to! Argh.

[SheilaKathy]

Yup. Guilt is a tool of those who would push us over. They use it to try to control us. It is like any other feeling. We need to realize that we are not required to feel any emotion that others want us to feel, including and especially guilt! No one should be allowed to get away with "playing a guilt trip on us" I have heard that "guilt trip" saying used so often on mental health websites. Usually it is something we are aware of, but have no clue as to HOW TO AVOID! We need GUILT TRIP AVOIDANCE training too!

Agreed! The guilt in removing this person came from myself, and by another friend... it was subtle, but I then felt badly when she said "we three need to stick together". So I then added her back on. ARGH. I am far too nice and it does hinder me from doing what I really want to do sometimes. I could benefit from guilt avoidance training!!

[SheilaKathy]

Well, that sounds like some good stuff too.

I had a little talk with my upcoming guest's wife today, trying to nicely say that I had no room at my table for more than one person (me). UGH. This did not go so well. I am now in the position that it is OK if my apartment is a mess, and he would be more than happy to sit on the couch holding a plate of food. Just so long as I have a plate and a fork, he will be fine, she told me.

I tried to hint that it might be nice if he and I could sit down at a table together in his motel room, face to face, and eat a meal together. (rather than side by side, sitting on my couch holding plates in our hands, in other words).

I don't recall what she replied to that. Which probably means that she did not reply to it at all, but probably changed the subject.

So, I will probably end up on my couch holding a plate, while he sits next to me holding his, surrounded by my messy home. It seems I still don't have any real choices.

I need to learn how to better speak up on my own behalf! I think they call that assertiveness training. I SO need that!

[~Christina]

I'm so sorry your put in such a situation, it's hard to be assertive when others just assume they can do whatever they want with your time.

(((( hugs ))))

[SheilaKathy]

Well, I finally told my boyfriend. He interrupted me to ask if the pastor were staying overnight at my home. Thank goodness we got that cleared up before I told him about this! LOL... anyway, as things stand right now, I have been informed that my friend looks to be around 80 (although he is actually 72) and that he is bent over and walks with a cane. This should help a little, and I already told my boyfriend that I will want him to meet my pastor friend and that it will be OK for him to discuss his and my relationship if he even wants to.

He took it well, seemed to understand that there is no "competition" involved and that this is a married man who is an old friend and a previous pastor of mine, whose wife and I are like best friends.

So I am relieved that my boyfriend took this so well.

However, he is sick, he had his flu shot yesterday and came down with a cold shortly thereafter. He thinks it might be a reaction to the flu shot, but we are not sure. It could be that he just caught a cold! So, please pray for him if you pray, thanks. His name is Kenneth.

And my pastor friend's name is David, but I call him Pastor Gump. Now there is a LONG story that goes behind that one, something about that famous like from the FOREST GUMP movie about the box of chocolates. And my best friend and the pastor call me "the gumpette." That is my nickname that they always lovingly call me. And she (his wife) is Madam Gump, of course! LOL...

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

Well, I finally told my boyfriend. He interrupted me to ask if the pastor were staying overnight at my home. Thank goodness we got that cleared up before I told him about this! LOL... anyway, as things stand right now, I have been informed that my friend looks to be around 80 (although he is actually 72) and that he is bent over and walks with a cane. This should help a little, and I already told my boyfriend that I will want him to meet my pastor friend and that it will be OK for him to discuss his and my relationship if he even wants to.

He took it well, seemed to understand that there is no "competition" involved and that this is a married man who is an old friend and a previous pastor of mine, whose wife and I are like best friends.

So I am relieved that my boyfriend took this so well.

However, he is sick, he had his flu shot yesterday and came down with a cold shortly thereafter. He thinks it might be a reaction to the flu shot, but we are not sure. It could be that he just caught a cold! So, please pray for him if you pray, thanks. His name is Kenneth.

And my pastor friend's name is David, but I call him Pastor Gump. Now there is a LONG story that goes behind that one, something about that famous like from the FOREST GUMP movie about the box of chocolates. And my best friend and the pastor call me "the gumpette." That is my nickname that they always lovingly call me. And she (his wife) is Madam Gump, of course! LOL...

Does your boyfriend know about prison guy? Or prison guy is just a friend? I am so confused.

[Shazerac]

There's a great book about assertiveness training that I re-read every few years called "when I say no I feel guilty." It changed my life.

[SheilaKathy]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

There's a great book about assertiveness training that I re-read every few years called "when I say no I feel guilty." It changed my life.

Sounds like a good read. I shall have to look into it. Maybe the Library can get it for me. Often they can, even if they have to contact another Library to do so! I have learned to ask now, rather than $pend.

[SheilaKathy]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Does your boyfriend know about prison guy? Or prison guy is just a friend? I am so confused.

Prison Guy is less than a friend, in a way. I have never met him, in other words. I only write to him. I may have mentioned him in passing to my BF, don't recall. It didn't seem important. I probably have mentioned him... my memory is like a sieve!

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

Well, that sounds like some good stuff too.

I had a little talk with my upcoming guest's wife today, trying to nicely say that I had no room at my table for more than one person (me). UGH. This did not go so well. I am now in the position that it is OK if my apartment is a mess, and he would be more than happy to sit on the couch holding a plate of food. Just so long as I have a plate and a fork, he will be fine, she told me.

I tried to hint that it might be nice if he and I could sit down at a table together in his motel room, face to face, and eat a meal together. (rather than side by side, sitting on my couch holding plates in our hands, in other words).

I don't recall what she replied to that. Which probably means that she did not reply to it at all, but probably changed the subject.

So, I will probably end up on my couch holding a plate, while he sits next to me holding his, surrounded by my messy home. It seems I still don't have any real choices.

I need to learn how to better speak up on my own behalf! I think they call that assertiveness training. I SO need that!

Well, gumpette (said with a wink and a smile!), why don't you tell Madam Gump that you have changed your mind and will offer to have dinner at his motel room and that you cannot accommodate a guest easily. That this is what you will do and are happy to do, but that coming to your place is not an option.

You DO have choices in this matter. Madam Gump is rather pushy in my opinion. It is your home after all... do you have to be forced to do something you would prefer not to? NO. Do what you want to in this case... and that is, to have dinner in his motel room. So I would call Gump back and simply inform her of your changed plans.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

Prison Guy is less than a friend, in a way. I have never met him, in other words. I only write to him. I may have mentioned him in passing to my BF, don't recall. It didn't seem important. I probably have mentioned him... my memory is like a sieve!

Got it. I was just confused you said you love prison guy. I guess you didn't mean romantic love

[SheilaKathy]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Got it. I was just confused you said you love prison guy. I guess you didn't mean romantic love

Right. Sorry. I meant sisterly love.

[SheilaKathy]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

...

You DO have choices in this matter. Madam Gump is rather pushy in my opinion. It is your home after all... do you have to be forced to do something you would prefer not to? NO. Do what you want to in this case... and that is, to have dinner in his motel room. So I would call Gump back and simply inform her of your changed plans.

Yes, she is pushy, I agree. However, I am not able to stand up to people very well. I was always pushed around as a kid, meek in spirit, so to speak. I will probably end up leaving things as they are, so as not to make waves, especially since I already told my BF that he is coming and that he will be entering my apartment during the days. That is just the way I am. I don't have the strength to do otherwise at this point. It is just not in me. But thanks for your thoughts. They are always welcome.

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

Yes, she is pushy, I agree. However, I am not able to stand up to people very well. I was always pushed around as a kid, meek in spirit, so to speak. I will probably end up leaving things as they are, so as not to make waves, especially since I already told my BF that he is coming and that he will be entering my apartment during the days. That is just the way I am. I don't have the strength to do otherwise at this point. It is just not in me. But thanks for your thoughts. They are always welcome.

Well, it was a suggestion, since you have been talking a lot about assertiveness and standing up for yourself more. I do think she is very pushy -- I would be resentful of that, if it were me. To tell you that her husband won't mind the messiness and that he can sit on the couch with a plate is dismissive of YOU, as gently as you tried to tell her that it wasn't your preference. She should have picked up on your cue that you were not comfortable with having a guest. But I understand your sentiments.

(((Hugs)))

[SheilaKathy]

I'm still thinking of what you said, especially about how I have been talking about assertiveness a lot and I agree, it is time to start sticking up for my own rights. It occurred to me this morning at church that I might have more "luck" speaking with HIM than her. Yes, she is pushy. However, he is a pastor, trained in diplomacy and caring and all those good qualities that they learn in their various places of education. HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO COMPROMISE. She is always concerned for his health and hers, because she is homebound and has many physical ailments. So she was probably just thinking of his comfort and his physical being. HE on the other hand would be far more aware of my mental and spiritual needs (and my BF's). So when HE calls me to arrange meeting me, I am going to politely suggest that we meet, not at my place, but at his motel. I am hoping that he will see the "light" and agree! WISH ME LUCK!!! This will be one of the first times in my life that I stand up for my rights!!!

Originally Posted by SheilaKathy

I'm still thinking of what you said, especially about how I have been talking about assertiveness a lot and I agree, it is time to start sticking up for my own rights. It occurred to me this morning at church that I might have more "luck" speaking with HIM than her. Yes, she is pushy. However, he is a pastor, trained in diplomacy and caring and all those good qualities that they learn in their various places of education. HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO COMPROMISE. She is always concerned for his health and hers, because she is homebound and has many physical ailments. So she was probably just thinking of his comfort and his physical being. HE on the other hand would be far more aware of my mental and spiritual needs (and my BF's). So when HE calls me to arrange meeting me, I am going to politely suggest that we meet, not at my place, but at his motel. I am hoping that he will see the "light" and agree! WISH ME LUCK!!! This will be one of the first times in my life that I stand up for my rights!!!

GOOD!!! That is a perfect solution to your dilemma! I am glad to hear that you re-thought this one. Congrats!!!

[unaluna]

I dont see much difference between being alone together at your place, or alone together at a motel, where the bed is in the same room, and who knows what is going on in the adjoining rooms!

Why not go out to a restaurant? Even a diner, wouldnt be too expensive and you could get a reasonable meal, and there would be no possible controversy or untoward imposition.