[Artchic528]

My father came home from umpiring all day today and we walked the dogs, then when we came home, he wanted to clean up the kitchen. So he's emptying the dishwasher and I'm standing there deciding what to do and he gets aggravated and begins to yell at me to do something. So I go to the island and begin picking up things and asking what to do with them. He gets more aggrivated and yells at me to knock it off and stop trying to agitate him, like he says I always do. Which leaves me baffled. I was just trying to help clean up and genuinely didn't know where some of the stuff went.

I had a paper in my hand and I put it down like he tells me to and he just blows up at me for messing with things and not cleaning. I decide I just can't handle anymore of this aggrivation and I gather my things and leave to shut myself up in my room.

He comes after me and opens my door to yell at me some more and demand that I clean my room or he'll throw my things away.

I'm so upset at this point I call my mother who's at a wedding reception and she is now on her way home. I've also barricaded myself in my room because I don't feel safe from my father's anger. He's hit me before, he might do it again.

He's got a super stressful job and it really gets to him. It's so unfair he'd yell at me like that. He's also dealing with mom being unhappy and a good possibility of her moving out.

[seesaw]

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. Remember that he's human and maybe he's just not sure how to deal with the anger he's feeling from his job and the possible separation from your mom. Not an excuse for treating you poorly, and you shouldn't have to tiptoe around him, but a little understanding goes a long way. Maybe when you see that he's in an aggravated mood, instead of trying to help him, since maybe he just wants to do whatever alone, you can just go to your room and let him blow of his steam on his own instead of putting yourself in the line of fire.

I know none of this is fair. He shouldn't take his emotions out on you, these are just suggestions to stay out of the line of fire while your family is going through this rough time. I imagine he has a lot of emotions he's dealing with right now, with both his kids still living at home, because one is disabled (I don't know the deal with your brother) and mom maybe leaving, and didn't he just lose his job recently (although sounds like he got a new job).

I know he yelled at you to help, so maybe next time just ask him specifically what he wants you to do.

I often help out with chores when I go to stay at my mom's and I don't know where everything goes, I just put away everything that I know where it goes, and leave the rest on the counter and ask her or my dad to show me where they keep it so I don't have to ask next time. Usually they appreciate that I did the cleaning and that all they have to do is show me where to put a few tupperware plates or whatever.

Sorry you're going through this right now.

Seesaw

[divine1966]

Sending you hugs. I have extremely toxic father. I personally would rather live in a homeless shelter than with my dad. Sorry, no advice, just UGH ��

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. Remember that he's human and maybe he's just not sure how to deal with the anger he's feeling from his job and the possible separation from your mom. Not an excuse for treating you poorly, and you shouldn't have to tiptoe around him, but a little understanding goes a long way. Maybe when you see that he's in an aggravated mood, instead of trying to help him, since maybe he just wants to do whatever alone, you can just go to your room and let him blow of his steam on his own instead of putting yourself in the line of fire.

I know none of this is fair. He shouldn't take his emotions out on you, these are just suggestions to stay out of the line of fire while your family is going through this rough time. I imagine he has a lot of emotions he's dealing with right now, with both his kids still living at home, because one is disabled (I don't know the deal with your brother) and mom maybe leaving, and didn't he just lose his job recently (although sounds like he got a new job).

I know he yelled at you to help, so maybe next time just ask him specifically what he wants you to do.

I often help out with chores when I go to stay at my mom's and I don't know where everything goes, I just put away everything that I know where it goes, and leave the rest on the counter and ask her or my dad to show me where they keep it so I don't have to ask next time. Usually they appreciate that I did the cleaning and that all they have to do is show me where to put a few tupperware plates or whatever.

Sorry you're going through this right now.

Seesaw

I might be totally wrong but I don't think Artchic is disabled. She perhaps has a disability but I don't think it makes her disabled unless she receives disability etc. My husband has a disability but he is not consider disabled whatsoever such as he has never been on disability and always worked etc I think maybe it's just how it's worded. I might be wrong.

[Artchic528]

My brother has moved out. He's been living on his own since early Spring. It's just me my mom and my dad.

I have both Medicaid and Medicare, and used to get SSI and a food stamp card, but those later two have since been done away with for one reason or another. The reason I'm on Medicaid and Medicare is because my MI medications are very expensive and the government assisted insurance helps with that.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I might be totally wrong but I don't think Artchic is disabled. She perhaps has a disability but I don't think it makes her disabled unless she receives disability etc. My husband has a disability but he is not consider disabled whatsoever such as he has never been on disability and always worked etc I think maybe it's just how it's worded. I might be wrong.

I think you're focusing on semantics. Disabled means different things depending on which law you are looking at. According to the ADA, I'm disabled. According to SSDI, I'm disabled. But I can still work part-time. I said she was disabled because she can't work full-time and I knew she was getting some benefits, and I recall even previously she said she was disabled.

But anyways, like I said, I think you're focusing on semantics.

Seesaw

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I think you're focusing on semantics. Disabled means different things depending on which law you are looking at. According to the ADA, I'm disabled. According to SSDI, I'm disabled. But I can still work part-time. I said she was disabled because she can't work full-time and I knew she was getting some benefits, and I recall even previously she said she was disabled.

But anyways, like I said, I think you're focusing on semantics.

Seesaw

You are right. I just always hear that disabled are people on government assistance for their disability, not just people with disability. And then I didn't know artchic is getting benefits or can't work full time.

I know many people who have mental illness but would be offended if someone's refers to them as disabled as they aren't ON disability.

I think I just went by what I always hear from my husband. He has legitimate disability that makes work especially in his field very challenging yet he never received a penny from anywhere and always held a full time job so he often says "I have a disability but am not disabled". And I am a special ed teacher (All of my students have disabilities but only some are on SSDI). I never refer to them as disabled.

So I guess it's just choice of words plus English isn't my native language and certain words just have slightly different meaning and I wasn't entirely aware of the situation.

[divine1966]

Art did your dad calm down and left you alone? When I complain
To My therapist about my dad, she tells to ignore him, not let him to rent a place in my head and that his behavior is due to his unhealthy ways and nothing to do with me.

[winter loneliness]

Assisted living would be an option to look into.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You are right. I just always hear that disabled are people on government assistance for their disability, not just people with disability. And then I didn't know artchic is getting benefits or can't work full time.

I know many people who have mental illness but would be offended if someone's refers to them as disabled as they aren't ON disability.

I think I just went by what I always hear from my husband. He has legitimate disability that makes work especially in his field very challenging yet he never received a penny from anywhere and always held a full time job so he often says "I have a disability but am not disabled". And I am a special ed teacher (All of my students have disabilities but only some are on SSDI). I never refer to them as disabled.

So I guess it's just choice of words plus English isn't my native language and certain words just have slightly different meaning and I wasn't entirely aware of the situation.

I would have never guess English wasn't your first language. You speak it so well. At least when you type it out.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Art did your dad calm down and left you alone? When I complain
To My therapist about my dad, she tells to ignore him, not let him to rent a place in my head and that his behavior is due to his unhealthy ways and nothing to do with me.

Yeah, kinda. He doesn't seem to want to admit he isn't right, that he was in the wrong. That's typical for him though, being that he's a stubborn old man.

I admit I can be infuriating at times but his reaction was uncalled for. It's really sad that as much as he tries to hold his life together, it's all falling apart for him. I feel so sad for him but at the same time I can't be his target for his oulet on his frustrations, which I seem to be lately.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I would have never guess English wasn't your first language. You speak it so well. At least when you type it out.

Thanks. I do speak well, but I do have an accent, it's not heavy, but you'll know I wasn't born here if you hear me (certain words especially). I immigrated to the US when I was actually your age, in my 30s. So I learned English late in life but fast!!! lol i had to!

I do sometimes use wrong order of words in sentences and sometimes don't catch subtle meanings.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Yeah, kinda. He doesn't seem to want to admit he isn't right, that he was in the wrong. That's typical for him though, being that he's a stubborn old man.

I admit I can be infuriating at times but his reaction was uncalled for. It's really sad that as much as he tries to hold his life together, it's all falling apart for him. I feel so sad for him but at the same time I can't be his target for his oulet on his frustrations, which I seem to be lately.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him.

Walking on eggshells is exactly how I feel around my dad. So stressful.

[Open Eyes]

Artchic, I am sorry you are being challenged this way. Your father has developed a habit of taking his emotional challenges/stresses out on others and I know first hand how difficult that can be to live with.

He could be someone who struggles with ADHD where he is a "busy" person as I have a husband like that. The problem I have had with that is how incredibly impatient my husband can be as well as how he can come home and bring all his stress with him and literally fill the room/home with it as soon as he comes in that door. It's not surprising both your brother and your mother prefer to distance from him because of how he can fill the room/environment with his anger issues and impatience.

I myself have developed an exaggerated startle response from the YEARS I have dealt this this kind of behavior pattern that has come from others around me behaving this way. I have gotten to the point where I prefer to have him out of the home, away and busy and out of my environment.

It's not about your room or you per say either, he unknowingly does this chase and vent because he genuinely doesn't know how else to vent his built up stress/anger/negative energy. I often refer to this as living with Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde and when Mr. Hyde kicks in nothing I can do will stop it.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're going through this stressful situation. I'm like divine in that my dad was very toxic and hostile. I always had to walk on eggshells around him. I left at the first opportunity although you may not be able to. Like Divine said as well, don't let him rent space in your head and limit exposure to him

Would it do any good for your mom to talk to him?

I sympathize. Sending big hugs.

[unaluna]

Artchic, you got a LOT of sympathy here. Your dad got NONE.

Why did your dad have to empty the dishwasher when he came home from work? Why did he have to walk the dogs? Why arent these your chores? How can you be living in that house and not know where everything goes? Im sorry, but if i were your dad, i probably would have been cranky too, if i came home to a messy house after working all day. Im sure he doesnt umpire for fun. He does it to make a little money.

Can you see things from his side? Does that change anything?

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Artchic, you got a LOT of sympathy here. Your dad got NONE.

Why did your dad have to empty the dishwasher when he came home from work? Why did he have to walk the dogs? Why arent these your chores? How can you be living in that house and not know where everything goes? Im sorry, but if i were your dad, i probably would have been cranky too, if i came home to a messy house after working all day. Im sure he doesnt umpire for fun. He does it to make a little money.

Can you see things from his side? Does that change anything?

I'm kind of scared to weigh here but I'm gonna risk it. I also wonder why your dad came home to a dirty kitchen and unwalked dogs. And you don't know where things go? seriously?

You are in your 30s....maybe it's time to put on those big girl panties?

[Sunflower123]

At the risk of getting clobbered here, her father has an anger management problem to the point that he has hit her. Your points are very valid but this sounds like it goes a little beyond cranky. The whole family could probably use some counseling. Best wishes.

[divine1966]

I see the point of those who ask why are those things not getting done by you while dad and mom are at work? It doesn't excuse his behavior of course. He still needs to be civil.

[Artchic528]

I didn't empty the dishwasher because I wasn't sure if it had been run or not, and the dogs hadn't been walked because I can't handle both the rambunctious puppy and the pokey elderly puggle at the same time. I had one bowl by the sink with a spoon in it from breakfast and one dish that I used for supper that was sitting on the coffee table. I also had a bottle of water sitting on the island where I put it before walking the dogs. It's not like there were piles of filthy dishes everywhere.

Jennifer is right, he has lost his temper a handful of times to the point of getting physical with me when I was a defenseless child. He has an anger management problem that he needs to get help for, and using me as his proverbial and literal whipping boy isn't acceptable.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Artchic, you got a LOT of sympathy here. Your dad got NONE.

Why did your dad have to empty the dishwasher when he came home from work? Why did he have to walk the dogs? Why arent these your chores? How can you be living in that house and not know where everything goes? Im sorry, but if i were your dad, i probably would have been cranky too, if i came home to a messy house after working all day. Im sure he doesnt umpire for fun. He does it to make a little money.

Can you see things from his side? Does that change anything?

I do understand he is upset that his wife is unhappy and emotionally distant and his job is super stressful, so I do try to be as understanding as possible, but civility is a two way street.

He was the one who hit me as a defenseless child, to the point of almost permanently damaging my wrist and giving me a hard enough bump on the head that I not only saw stars, but the world was spinning for a few minutes. I think my sympathy is well deserved.

Also, we walked the dogs together, it wasn't like I up and left it all to him.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I'm kind of scared to weigh here but I'm gonna risk it. I also wonder why your dad came home to a dirty kitchen and unwalked dogs. And you don't know where things go? seriously?

You are in your 30s....maybe it's time to put on those big girl panties?

I knew where the dishes go, obviously, but as for the papers on the island, I had no clue. There was mail, brochures, and some stuff he had printed out that I wanted to put away but didn't know if it went in the mail bin or his briefcase or what have you. So I asked him and he snapped.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I see the point of those who ask why are those things not getting done by you while dad and mom are at work? It doesn't excuse his behavior of course. He still needs to be civil.

Mom was at a wedding yesterday, but yes, Dad was on the ball fields all day. It's also his job to empty the dishwasher in the morning. Like I said, I couldn't tell if it had been run or not.

[divine1966]

Trust me I understand all too well about toxic parents who lose their temper over every little thing. Unacceptable

But I honestly would totally lose it if I got home from work and there was bowl from breakfast still unwashed by the sink (all day?). And a dirty dish on a coffee table (why on coffee table?) (and why is it left there?) from supper. I'd would be so very not ok (unless whoever kept eating and leaving their dirty dishes was incapacitated such as elderly or perhaps recovering from chemo session or something else drastic). And I have huge pet peeve about "I didn't know if dishes were clean or dirty". Why don't they know? Don't they live there? I understand it's dad's job to empty dishwasher (why it's his job though?) but I'd personally would expect those tasks to get done by whoever is home, not at work all day.

Again your father needs to remain civil. Yelling and screaming is not the way to go about. Maybe there is a need for family meeting about chores and civil behavior (although I know my dad wouldn't accept responsibility, yours might be the same).

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Mom was at a wedding yesterday, but yes, Dad was on the ball fields all day. It's also his job to empty the dishwasher in the morning. Like I said, I couldn't tell if it had been run or not.

There is a very simple way to tell if the dishes are clean. Take out a coffee cup or glass and sniff it. If you smell soap they are clean.

Interesting that it's your dad's "job" to empty the dish washer. He's supporting the family. That's a pretty big job right there.

Just curious, but do you have any jobs around the house?