Obsessed!!

YES. Financially irresponsible people are definitely to be avoided at all costs. Little did I really know, until I lived with him..... but it took a couple more months for me to finally sever the chord and get out. Even after all the crap he pulled on me.

I am very happy I avoided the commitment too. He would have ruined me, in every way, and I bet I would have been driven to SI and acting on it, I am sure.

I am so glad you are out of yours too, but it makes me sad that you were driven to that level AND that he is still ruining your life.

I’d say he is more than financially irresponsible. He has no income or finances to be responsible about. Haha

I am actually not very financially responsible person. Neither is my husband. I am worse though. But I guess there are different levels of irresponsibility. I always supported myself and it’s been on my own since high school. So was my husband. So I guess we responsible in that sense. But certainly not in other aspects

It depends on what your deal breakers are. I wouldn’t date people who
Don’t work full time. But it’s ok if they don’t save money for example or have debt

YES, you are absolutely right, Divine. He has no income, no job, no nothing and HUGE financial debt. I mean HUGE, hundreds of thousands of dollars. I would have inherited that debt, most likely, had I married him. What was I even thinking? He told me there was a way around that, and I actually believed him.

I'm like you. By no means am I entirely responsible myself financially, but I CAN support myself and have for most of my life. I pay off my debt and pay all my bills on time. I have no retirement funds and only a small amount of savings.

So it's not like I'm on top of the world financially myself, but at the very least, I expect my partner to have consistent and steady work and income, and my ex, since i have known him, has not been working. He's dragged his heels on finding work for an entire year. And all I kept hearing from him, over and over again, is I will get a job ASAP. Has he??? NO! He is perfectly comfortable not working and mooching off of his grandparents.

Wouldn’t it be a hoot if you made a prospective partner take a Credit/Background check? Job applicants have to, tenants have to. You would know what you are getting.

Only 650 and above credit scores need apply...

I know it’s neither here nor there but you don’t have to inherit financial debt of your spouse unless you want to (some people don’t mind helping their spouse to pay debt). But if you don’t combine credit card and bank accounts, you are responsible for your own debt accumulated prior to marriage or a new debt

On the other topic if you married a guy and stayed long enough and he didn’t work and then divorced you, you’d pay him alimony. My husband pays alimony because his ex refused to get full time job for the whole duration of their marriage

You dodged a bullet

You could actually ask your partner. We disclosed everything when we’ve met

Hahahahahahaaaa... that's hilarious.

My ex had bad credit to boot. I had to be on the lease solo because he wasn't responsible enough.

At what point is it ok to ask about stuff like STD’s, legal problems, and bad credit?

Ahhh OK, I didn't know.

Yes, i did realize that I could end up having to pay HIM if we married and divorced.... ARGH. I bet that would have happened, too.

I definitely dodged a HUGE bullet here. What a vast, vast mistake this was.

I don’t think there are rules. We shared everything very quickly. We felt very at ease to share. Our relationship progressed rather fast

STD's before you have sex for certain. Legal problems and bad credit? Probably before deciding to move in together, are my thoughts. BUT, that being said, you can get a good sense of someone's financial situation well before moving in together, if you're observant. Sometimes, these things can reveal themselves naturally in conversations.

Didn’t that tell you a lot about him right then and there?

One of my best friends completely screwed up her credit and has a major gambling problem. She gambled away all her mother’s money. I was so shocked to learn this. I never would have imagined it. She always had a job and made money. I never would have guessed she was so bad about being responsible with it. You just can’t tell with people.

YES it did. And you're right you just can't tell with some people. My ex talked a good game, and was very manipulative.

And at that point when I discovered his bad credit, I was kind of stuck in a situation with him. Not sure if you know the backstory, but he became homeless (was thrown out of his grandmother's home) so I flew him to my state to move in with me... we moved in together. This discovery came just after we had gotten engaged. I was NOT happy about it and had doubts creeping in during our first week of living together. Then everything snowballed from there..... while living together, I discovered just HOW irresponsible he truly was. I hadn't seen all of this while we were living long distance, of course. Then, the alcoholism came into play and the abusive tirades whenever he got drunk. Then he dragged his heels on really pounding the pavement for work, while I paid for everything, for months. Then I eventually kicked him out and he became homeless again. Then I sent him on a bus back to his home state because I felt bad and felt sorry for his pathetic ***.

I didn't mean to go into all that detail, but yes, the bad credit was a warning sign, but I didn't know then what I now know about him. I did know about his massive debt before moving him here.

I had written before that I put love blinders on through this relationship. I saw what I wanted to see and ignored what did not match up with my romantic vision of him.

Stupid. Just plain STUPID. Now I see what I did wrong... never ever ever ever ever again will I make this mistake.

I’d like to know about legal problems if there are any, way before even thinking of living together. Also STD long before even thinking about sex. If I date with purpose of marrying that stuff better be shared ASAP. I wouldn’t continued dating if I knew things that might be deal breakers. I really recommend that you find out what you can fast. That’s how you determine if you even want to keep dating

very good points!!!

You took in a helpless pup, hoping to make him into a good man. You were being romantic, idealistic. It was naive of you. Women definitely have a thing about wanting to change a man. Now you’ve learned better.

You need to find someone who is already a good man. And you need to be that good woman, worthy of him.

Well, I DID take in a helpless pup, but I was not hoping to make him into a good man. I THOUGHT he WAS a good man. I really did. I was blinded by my love for him and by my need TO BE LOVED at the time. I was so wrapped up in all the love and attention he showered upon me, I was lavishing in it. I had never felt that before..... I felt SO loved and SO cherished, I was eating it up..... and yes, I agree, I was naive. I swooped in as a mother to "save" him from homelessness, without thinking. I did it instinctively while he cried to me on the phone saying he couldn't possibly go to a shelter and had nowhere to go. It pulled on my heartstrings.

Had I had my head square on my shoulders, I would have been looking at the bigger picture of what I already knew at that point. As I said, I dismissed and ignored ALL warning signs that didn't match with what I wanted to see and feel.

It is a learning experience for certain. And a financial hit that I will not forget. Over $10,000.

I am already worthy of a good man, and I know this. Not to toot my own horn and sound obnoxious or full of myself, but I know what i have to offer. I am honest, honorable, moral, loyal, respectful, kind-hearted, loving, giving, fun, etc etc. The problem is finding that good man who is WORTHY OF ME!

Where have you been looking? How did you develop a long-distance relationship with this guy who was becoming homeless? You were looking under rocks! Lol

I KNOW. Good Lord! We met on another mental health forum. He was replying to my posts about my ex boyfriend, and replying to others' posts with such heartfelt sincerity and sweetness, that I immediately liked him and thought (assumed) he was a good person. He certainly came across that way to begin with, as ALL abusive men do. NEVER again will I meet someone on a mental health forum! TROUBLE.

Well... we’re all here on this mental health forum.

When I reached out and reconnected with every ex bf I ever had when I got on fb (an issue in itself), my friend, the same one I mentioned here, said, “You left no stoner unturned!”

YES, true. I just did not know how deep his problems ran. And like I said, he talked a good game. I fell in love with the person he presented himself to be, and NOT the person he truly is.

LOL. Well, it sure seems you left no stone unturned. I blocked my ex on FB. Thank God. I've blocked him everywhere, even on that forum.

Well I think there are one or two couples who met via PC so it doesn't always spell disaster.

I think this is the problem in many relationships that go wrong. Taking things slowly next time sounds a good plan, and listening to your instincts.

You're right. Absolutely. I should correct myself there. It's just that I had not idea how deep his problems were, and they were vast, too vast for me personally to handle.

and YES. Next time, I will take it much more slowly. I will follow my instincts and I will observe the person before getting emotionally attached. I want to see what kind of person they are FIRST and get to know their true character before committing to dating them. That's going to be my golden rule from now on!

Tisha.....had to chuckle at your typo.

It's so easy to rationalize away red flags we do see. After my experience If I see any red flags I'm outta there.....but also not looking. Maybe that may be part of why I didn't push the divorce through because I was screwed by my name not being able to be removed from the home loan in the first place divorced or not. I know legally I am not responsible for any other debt incurred because my name isn't involved in anything else. I closed all accounts that were joint after cleaning up the mess with the IRS (7 years dealing with that after I left). Not being divorced (legally still married) keeps me totally out of any available scene (my protection).

Wow, you really went through a LOT.

You're so right. It IS easy to rationalize away the red flags. When my ex stole a pair of earrings for me, I BELIEVED him when he said it as one-off, an anomaly and not typical behavior. WHY I listened to HIM rather than ME and my own feelings about, I do not know. Turns out next he stole meds from me, and then took $20 out of a wallet we had found. He is a thief, on top of a big fat pathological liar. ARGH.