Obsessed!!

It’s not a typo. My friend is so funny. Most of these guys were pot heads. It was a play on words.

I married a man that seemed so perfect for me. He has a great job, never did drugs, nice family, so stable. But, he was the worst for me. I’m miserable and now everybody knows it. But, I can’t bring myself to force the divorce because of my low self esteem and guilty feelings.

Nobody is perfect. Everybody shows plenty of red flags. You just have to decide which person will work for you as a partner.

This last psychiatrist told me that I wouldn’t have been happy with anybody. Pretty damning words, huh? And I PAID this B to destroy me like that.

actually I relate to this at the point in my life I got married. Actually none of the guys I knew at that point in time in my life would have made me happy then or now. But I am in a totally different place in my own personal self now. I still wouldnt tolerate any of those guys & now, unless the right guy does come along which I AM NOT looking for, I am so happy alone on my farm it would be a miracle if any guy would be able to qualify for a permanent (not just friend) position in my life. So yes no one is perfect, there are things that may not be ideal (these are not red flags in my book) in someone, but RED FLAGS are totally out of the question.

Think Tisha makes a good point but think in Eve's case being lied to and stolen from are huge Red Fags. Knowing if we are compatible is slightly different.

I'm with you T btw in that I don't think we can expect anyone to make us happy if we aren't happy with ourselves. Not a personal reflection on you Tish, the same for all of us.

Yes, being lied to and stolen from are huge red flags. I had no real proof of him stealing, and of course he denied it, but I suspected he stole some of my meds because some went missing. He DID steal a pair of earrings, that I know, and early on, my ativan went missing at the hotel and he claimed that a staff member must have taken them. Now I doubt that story. We also found a wallet on the beach, he insisted on taking it home with us and it had a $20 in it -- a couple days later and the $20 was missing. We returned the wallet without all its money in it. Good Lord, WHY I got mixed up with him..... wish I could go back, rewind and do it all over again.

Maybe there are 50 shades of RED.

When we first get close with someone, things they say or do are noticed, but don’t register in our minds. Even when we do note the behavior, we dismiss it because we so want this person to be ‘the one’.

Then all these warnings add up or there is one thing that is so much we can’t help but stop and rethink things.

There’s always this looking back period after the break up where we have this flash of all the red flags we kick ourselves for not paying attention to.

Then— was this professional right? Would I have never been happy with anyone? Is the ultimate RED FLAG me? Should we all consider we are the problem? Or maybe it’s society that tells us we have to pair up, when we don’t really even want to?

TBH, I enjoyed connecting with new loves and the honeymoon phase, but when those red flags added up, I was happy to be rid of that person. Why does it have to be forever?

I committed to the best man I could find. He really is. We had children together and raised them. I am proud to have accomplished that. But, the relationship was torture for me.

We saw our friends last night, this nice couple we really like. And we told them we are splitting up. I’ve had it. This last weekend was the last time, I promise.

Together and happy is wonderful. Alone and content is great, too.

50 shades of Red... lol. That gave me a chuckle. It's very appropriate.

and YES, for me it was when all those red flags added up to spell disaster, but it took a while for me to see it all -- a whole year! But the key, at least for me, is to RUN FAST at the FIRST sign, that very first big , glaring red flag that warns of danger ahead.

I give far too many chances..... my ex promised me the sun, moon and stars in terms of love, and I fell for it, hook line and sinker. He was very good at charming me into believing all his lies and fabrications. How foolish was I.

So you are splitting up? I am getting lost in some of the details here. But if you are and if you are not happy and getting the love you deserve, it is the best thing.

Yes, together and happy is absolutely wonderful. But I also have felt that level of happiness being single, too. In fact, sometimes I have felt on top of the world when single....

like right now, I feel very empowered to PICK AND CHOOSE my partners, or with whom I wish to even go out on a single date. OR, simply to not date at all! The choice is mine.

Man, relationships!!!!! They can really be crazy sometimes. I think I may even just stay away from a "relationship" altogether until I meet my true one.

It sounds like you are healing very well.

Thank you, and you know what, I AM!!!!! I feel sooooooooo soooooo much better.

I am processing my feelings, I am journaling, I am feeling stronger each day, more resolute, I know what I deserve and want in a relationship, and I know what I will NOT put up with.

I also am forgiving myself for this last one and for any other abusive relationship before this. Self-forgiveness and self-compassion are SO important to healing. I am being kind to myself and am not beating myself up. Instead, I am trying to understand what I did and why, so that I will not put myself in the same position next go around.

I feel good!

Feels so good to read this! Well done Eve, I hope I'll get there also soon enough. You're giving me hope and I'm so happy for you

You WILL get there, Alice, I promise you. I am so glad this gives you hope, and thank you so much for being happy for me. It took a lot of work, inner turmoil and some time, but I've worked through it all and came out on the other side. You can too!!

I know I will, but it's just so exhausting.
But maybe there's one good thing in all this pain. I've started to write again
Not much, just to vent out all the emotions.
Just wishing I could go out with my friends more.. We're all so busy

It is exhausting for sure.... it takes time. Can you call your friends instead and talk with them on the phone?

Writing is SO cathartic! I've been writing up a storm in my journal, and it helps sooooo very much.

I’m happy for you, too. Forgiving ourselves is a great idea. I forgive myself, too, for my unhealthy coping with an unfixable situation. If i really have BPD, I hug and console myself, since no one else will. I will treat myself with better care and it will go into remission when I get out of this horrible marriage.

It’s funny, I could be a relationship expert. I have so much experience with them and give great advice. But, I cant have a romantic relationship myself anymore. How ironic! That nasty psychiatrist really got under my skin. I feel like The Scarlet Letter now.

Oh well... let me just get out of this nightmare alive first.

YES. Self-compassion, self-forgiveness AND self-love are all so important through the healing process.

I am glad that you hug and console yourself. Life is tough enough where we really don't need to beat ourselves up for a condition we have or for any perceived weaknesses we may have. It's good to work on ourselves, always, and to work towards self improvement, but with kindness in our hearts towards ourselves always.

It's so much easier to give advice I find..... Sorry that nasty P got under your skin -- GRRRRRRR. Not right.

Yes, get out of your current nightmare... and hopefully in one piece!!!! (((((((Hugs))))))))) You will be OK, in the end.

UGH. I am regressing today and am obsessing again. Dammit. I was doing SO well lately, too. I suppose I have to expect that I may backtrack and slip here and there.

Indeed, be forgiving of yourself and know that you will slip at times. as long as you're able to be self aware enough to see the slippage and do something about it or ride it out without making drastic changes, you'll be ok.

thank you... guess I will ride it out. I have not much to do today except think about things. GRRRRR.

well find something to do, post something off beat from the train of thought you're in... talk to us here.. I'll watch for your posts. maybe we can distract you

thank you... you're very sweet. Today I'm just angry all over again about his possible cheating. I do not know for sure, but it smelled like it, and I am angry and bitter after ALL I gave to him and did for him. I have to stop thinking about it, it's going to drive me crazy. Soon I have to go to the bank, so that will be a nice distraction. And tonight I have therapy, so I can let loose in there, too. But dammit I'm pissed right now. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Being cheated on hurts deep. It's one of those betrayals that affects people in a very major way so it's not that far out for yu to continue to be angry about it for awhile like this. I've been there... it crushes you inside. being left is one thing, being unloved is another but being cheated on adds on the layer of betrayal, to those things. You're hurt, feeling lied to/deceived, betrayed, broken hearted, angry... its just one of those things that kind of hits a lot of nerves at once. Trust me, it does pass, though the betrayal will affect you for a long time if not for good. it really throws our sense of trust off badly.

*hugs*

thank you sooo much for saying this, AND for understanding all the emotions fully. That is exactly what I've gone through with this. The betrayal will effect me a long time, I am sure, and like you said, possibly forever.

Thinking of you, dear Eve.

Grrrrrrr...........

thank you, Purple... much appreciated!

I do understand... and still feel remnants of the betrayal even after years. I'm not still caught in the depths of it but yeah..

UGH. Cheating is really the worst... lying is a betrayal, but cheating... UGH. It just hurts and cuts through the heart to the very core of your soul. It's soul breaking.