Obsessed!!

Do people here think that NO response is the BEST response IF I DO hear from him again? I am expecting to hear from him at some point, and I am sure I will. I've been thinking of confronting him on all his lies, his possible cheating, and his BS, but a friend just told me he will rationalize it all to himself and it won't do any good. That really, NOT replying at all sends a stronger message. Plus, there's the argument of WHY engage any further with someone who abused you as such? Give them the silent treatment, and walk away fully. Do not engage any more.

considering the fact that in most cases with cheating, they know what they did or are doing, it's true they will rationalize and try to make excuses. most times if someone has a strong enough will and a seared conscience that's bad enough to allow them to cheat, nothing the victim will say after the fact will ever help. I liken a cheater to an abuser in a way in that the behavior that follows being caught is similar to that of an abuser after they've screwed up and hurt the other person. they will similar to an abuser, go through explanations and or rationalizations much like the abuser will go through being "good" in order to gain the good ground with the victim once again but it's rarely because they want to change, it's just to get out of the immediate pain of being called out on something.

What would be the goal of confronting them after it's all said and done anyway? if it's over, you have to weigh the idea that you know it's going to take it's toll on you again emotionally and likely without a good outcome. it will bring up all the past emotions that already have gone through you and for you alone it will start over, the anger, feelings of betrayal etc. all of it comes rushing to the forefront of your mind and heart again. So if there is a specific outcome you expect, figure out if all of that is worth it. Likely the outcome we expect from such confrontations are not going to happen and we're sstuck with the reliving the pain again.

someone who is capable of adultery in a lot of cases has gone past the feelings of guilt related to cheating. Otherwise their conscience would stop them before going through with it. When the conscience is no longer effective no amount of confrontation usually will change a thing.

silence in my opinion is your best response

I agree.

If you keep the possibility of contact open, no matter how much you tell him off, you're sending a message to your sub-conscious that it isn't over.

Without realising it, your body will start to prepare for the encounter. You'll be rehearsing it. You're probably still having conversations with him in your head, and that's natural. But it is the thing you most need to move away from.

Just my opinion, Eve.

Have you considered a one-off session of primal scream therapy?

Yes I also feel it would be better not to engage with him any longer.

It does not sound like he is a mature person (he reacted way over the top to the news you had kissed another guy after you split up), and I doubt he is capable of discussing anything rationally and calmly.

Take care of yourself, post here if you need to.

@s4nd... thank you vm.. you make all excellent points! So true what you said about adultry and a conscience. I also hadn't thought of the possibility that it would just bring it all right back up for me, and you're right, it would! It would hinder all the progress I've already made... thank you so much for your detailed, thoughtful reply!!

@pURple, thank you vm as well..... yes, what i need the MOST here is to be done with him AND over it and moving on..... primal scream therapy would be awesome right about now!!!! maybe I'll drive to the ocean or the forest by myself, lol !

@Sprout -- thank you, too, vm.... and you're sooooooo right. He is NOT mature in any way or capable of having a mature, adult conversation. You;re right -- forget it. He DID react way over the top about that.

UH OH. There's a guy online that I now am starting to like.... we like all the same music, have been to similar shows and like a lot of the same things. CRAP. At least he's just looking for friendship he said in his profile, so I know I could take things slow, but we're emailing a lot today all of a sudden. Whenever I start to really like someone, I start to rush my feelings and feel them strongly and fast. I need to learn HOW to go slowly.

Good on you. No harm in a bit of fun, if you're both single.

Absolutely! We're both single, but he's just getting past a divorce... so maybe we're in a sort of similar spot, though he has kids and had a marriage... I only had a fiance.

another thing I can relate to. try to maintain focus and yeah, take it slow. when I start to like someone my emotions take over my brain and I don't always think things through... don't be like me and drop stuff to spend time with someone yet. XD I tend to do that and a lot of my stuff goes by the wayside... for me that's never good. try to keep focused on what you do when single and keep times with this person limited as hard as that may be to do... it will help to keep things slow

THANKS!!! That's GREAT advice!!!! I will follow it.

yw and enjoy the friendship and whatever it turns into, if anything... you deserve it.

thanks! I DO deserve this.. I deserve some fun after so much misery and pain.

It's ok to feel an interest in someone but save your feelings for them UNTIL YOU REALLY KNOW them. That was your problem last time.....glad you caught that this is what you are doing & are aware of this problem. Definitely an important issue to work on.....defining the difference between healthy interest in someone & falling for them.....it's sort of like make sure to call on your logical mind, not just your emotional one. When both parts of our mind work together, we can soar & we actually get a PEACEFUL feeling better than the highs & lows that only using our emotional mind can cause.

At this stage maybe keep messaging others too so your options are open.

Thanks, and absolutely you are 100% correct! This is what my therapist is also working with me on...

YES, I will do that! thank you. =)

UGH UGH UGH!

I have now reached the point where i am mostly past the anger and am now missing my ex. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW, he was horrible to me in so many ways, but isn't this aspect at least in part inevitable? After all we had a connection, a deep connection, or so I thought, and we shared a strong love for one another.

I suppose this phase is only natural after the ending of a relationship of any kind, even if it was abusive.

I miss the good parts of him, I miss him sending me sweet text messages in the middle of the night telling me how important and special I am to him and how much he loves me. I miss the closeness we shared. I miss going to him for support when I need it. I miss THOSE things.

Then again, he turned out to be verbally and emotionally abusive and like poison for me. So of course, I keep reminding myself of this so that I don't miss the good parts as much.

What a process!!! Guess this is just going to take a while. Wish it would just hurry itself up! I want to get past this!!!!

My therapist told me that it’s normal to miss ones ex but when you do, don’t think of good things, think of what was bad so you won’t be missing him.

that's EXACTLY what I did! I went right to my list of negatives that I've written out and missing him vanished pretty quickly! IT WORKS!!!!! All I could think was, wow, this guy is sheer POISON. I should be relieved to be done!!!

ARGH. I don't get it. I had a car accident last night, and now I am obsessed all over again today about hearing from my ex and responding to him with THE BRUTAL TRUTH and with confronting him on ALL his BS and lies. I WANT him to contact me so that I can confront him and call him out on his actions and behavior.

WHY can't I let this go??? I don't have closure.!!! And why is it that a car accident (a hit and run where THEY hit ME) inspired this in me this morning????? Lack of justice? Lack of humanity??? Lack of concern?????

I am rip roaring angry right now. I just want him to know how badly he treated me and how I am walking away for GOOD.

Eve I really don't know that it will be good for you to confront him again? He has shown he is not mature enough to give you closure, he has come back in the past with more trouble for you.

How about you find safer ways of expressing your pain? Writing it down, or posting here. I am sorry you had that experience with the car, these things can be shocking and take some time to get over. You are safe, remember that, and he can't hurt you now either.

thanks Sprout! I guess I feel I haven't FULLY confronted him about everything, including the emotional cheating. I want to.... I want to just lay it all out for him and call him out in every little thing. I feel it's the one way I can finally get closure and peace..... I don't like that he's been able to get away with all of it, without a true, full on confrontation from me.

I have done what I can, but I still don't have full closure. I've written poems on here, I've posted about it, I talk in therapy about it, But it still haunts me. He should know that I KNOW how much he has lied...

But I will think about what you've said...

and thank you re: the car accident. At least I wasn't hurt.

I completely understand how you feel. I been in a similar situation. Have you though about suing?

That great advice

I can't sue. There's no grounds for a lawsuit. Thank you for your empathy!