[Alice007]

We were together for 7 months.
He's bipolar with asperger's.
He called me last Sunday, we were talking about our work, planing and looking forward to our trip to Finland. Everything was alright. The next day he called me to say that he can't see our relationship going anywhere and he can't feel the spark.

At first I was shocked and extremely hurt. Wouldn't let him friendzone me and told him to throw away all my clothes and stuff I had at his house. He told me he'll call next day to check if I'm alright. He never did.

After the first shock, I was desperate for answers. He repeated the same thing, saying I'm a good person and haven't done anything wrong.
I've replied that I know it's not the spark and asked him if this has to do anything with his bipolar. Since then he's been ignoring me.

I would be so thankful if I could get some of your opinions here. Just to make some sense of it in my head.
And please don't judge me, I'm already falling apart anyway, feeling guilty of my reaction and thinking what I did wrong.
Can't eat or sleep for days, headaches, vomiting.. you name it.

Thank you in advance.

[Bill3]

I’m really sorry for how much you are hurting.

I don’t have any answers. I’m sorry.

[All Is Revealed]

This is awful how all of this transpired. You're right, and he is right ... you did nothing wrong. Even he admits that you did nothing wrong. It seems like all the great plans to go to Finland gave him second thoughts. Bipolar or not, he might think a relationship might be "too much" for him to handle.

You might treat him like a king. Your relationship could be perfect. But a relationship is too much responsibility for him. It took him 7 months to realize this. This is typical for some bipolar people. I knew of many bipolar people who say, "I love you! And I want to marry you!" and the next day they say, "I hate you! I wish you were dead!"

At this point, there is no one to blame. Him ignoring you is his best way to deal with the situation. You're innocent in all of this. If you want answers, your answer is this: Don't be surprised if he wants to get back with you in 2 months. If you choose to go back with him, expect these roller-coaster scenarios to pop up often. Being in a relationship with a bipolar person is not easy, and you have to ask yourself .... "Can I deal with this person for the rest of my life?"

[Alice007]

Thank you both so much for being supportive.
I just wish he would talk to me about is as I was a bit ignorant. He was just mentioning it now and then but making impression it's not a big deal. I'm sure things would be different.

At the moment it looks like he's in his euphoric period. He was saying how he'll start exercising, change eating habits (mind you, he is not overweight), he just finished his new album and is very excited about it. We were both looking forward to it, I was so supportive but now I'm left out.

Tbh I'm not sure how would I cope with this even if he wants me back. I still love him with all my heart and there's not a thing I wouldn't do for him, but my head is telling me to be careful. But the heart is stupid and still wants him, saying we can do it..

Dearest Alice, the sudden change in his stance and feelings must have been a real shock to your system, especially when everything seemed just fine and you were planning a trip together. No wonder you couldn't eat, sleep etc.

If he's in a euphoric period, he is going to also experience a crash, in which case, as someone else said, he may try to come back to you.

Yes, the heart wants what the heart wants and often does not match what our heads tell us. DO be careful with this one. He was abrupt and quickly changed his mind. He can just as quickly change his mind again. That's a yo-yo effect on you, emotionally. Who needs that? My ex did the same to me, but I stayed with him and got burned badly in the end. (((((((Hugs))))))

[MickeyCheeky]

Really sorry you're going through this.. unfortunately things like this can happen when you're dating people with mental illness. Please try not to blame him too much.

[Alice007]

Thanks Mickey and Eve. I'm on my phone so I don't know how to send you a hug, but I'll learn

I'm not blaming him at all, just wish he was more open with me about it.
Thought of him getting in touch again makes me hopeful but also it scares me a lot.
Hopefully with time I'll be smarter.

Alice, you know, I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want, need and deserve in a relationship. Stability, honesty and openness are included in that list.

I think the way that he handled things with you was pretty crappy. He should have told you this sooner, as in before planning a trip together. He pulled the rug out from under you, when you thought everything was fine. He let on as though everything was fine.

I guess what I am saying is perhaps think about what you truly want and need in a relationship. Like I was saying earlier, this is a set up for an emotional yo-yo effect, if he comes back to you like you are hoping. He could easily pull away again, saying the same things. This is not a recipe for stability and reliability.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

[Alice007]

Yes, I'm aware of that.
Finland wouldn't be our first trip together, we went to Ireland this September for 4 days and it was amazing. We both enjoyed so much.. of course I can't say on his behalf, but he looked happy to me.

Then it could be his bi polar, but it's really hard to say. He still pulled the rug out from under you. I would be very wary.

[Molinit]

That's all the answer you're going to get, and really, I feel like he was very clear (no spark) but you invalidated what he told you by saying it couldn't be and was it his mental illness that was the "real" reason.

You'll have to let this go. If he has Asperger's he's not likely to give you any more than this and really you're lucky you got a proper goodbye.

[Alice007]

Molinit, maybe you're right.
I probably won't get anything else from him.
But this is not about my ego. I understand we're all different, but I can't see how could he treat me the way he did without a spark. I refuse to believe that he's been lying all this time.

I guess I need to focus on my healing now.
Honestly I can't recognise myself.
Managed to sleep couple of hours this night, had the strangest dream of two dogs. One was huge, the other was chihuahua. Little dog was trying to play with the big one, but the big one couldn't even see it. Just wasn't in his eyesight. I don't want to be chihuahua!

I'll see my counsellor tomorrow.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are hurting.

Honestly you only dated 7 months. It’s not abnormal to realize that relationship will not go further and there isn’t enough spark, and if the relationship has no future people know it within 6 months or a year. He didn’t drag you along

It doesn’t mean he had no spark to begin with. He maybe realized that there just isn’t enough to continue towards more commitment and he was honest and upfront about it. How much sooner do you expect people tell you? He didn’t know any sooner.

I also think it’s unfair to blame his mental health on not wanting to continue dating you. Do you think people with mental illness can’t make sound decisions when stop dating someone?.

Do you see a therapist? I’d recommend it

Hope you feel better soon

[Alice007]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry you are hurting.

Honestly you only dated 7 months. It’s not abnormal to realize that relationship will not go further and there isn’t enough spark, and if the relationship has no future people know it within 6 months or a year. He didn’t drag you along

It doesn’t mean he had no spark to begin with. He maybe realized that there just isn’t enough to continue towards more commitment and he was honest and upfront about it. How much sooner do you expect people tell you? He didn’t know any sooner.

I also think it’s unfair to blame his mental health on not wanting to continue dating you. Do you think people with mental illness can’t make sound decisions when stop dating someone?.

Do you see a therapist? I’d recommend it

Hope you feel better soon

I'm not blaming him or his mental state. Just feels like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. Reason I posted here is to learn and understand.
Obviously we have different opinions about some terms and sorry, but I'm not in the state to discuss that now.
Just want to emphasise that I don't blame him and I do respect his wishes.

I'll see my therapist tomorrow.

Alice, I think it's perfectly understandable that you are seeking other answers, because he surprise attacked you with this. You had traveled with him before, and thought he was happy and that you were happy together. You must have thought a spark existed and that there was compatibility. So for him to surprise you like that and to tell you the opposite seemingly out of the blue, well, I would be seeking answers too. I would be wondering, what the hell just happened???? So I think your confusion is understandable.

[Alice007]

Thanks for understanding Eve.
Funny enough that's literally what I asked him, only I used **** instead of hell
His answer was... nothing.
I've just realised he started to work on his new album just when we met. And he ended with me just when he finished the album. Don't know how to feel about that..

You know, I got seriously heartbroken a long time ago dating someone who was going through a divorce. He was in a transitional living situation after moving out of his home with his ex wife, and as SOON as he purchased his next home, he broke up with me. I felt like he used me just during the time being... to ease the transition to bachelorhood again. I was SO HURT. Good Lord. It took me an entire year to get over it.

Thing is, people can sometimes be transitional in our lives. Some people come into our lives as we need them, or vice versa, as they need us. But that relationship may not be meant to last forever. This is something I have learned over time and through experience. It doesn't mean that we are not valued for what we have brought that person during a time of need.

I am not saying that this is what your ex did, but it seems it just was not meant to last, for whatever reason. Perhaps he DID need a crutch during a time of need. Perhaps not. It's really hard to know. But IF you were a crutch for him, you gave him a gift of love that was needed.

If you want TRUE love and a lasting relationship, just know what you want and what you are looking for, and don't settle for less than what you deserve and need.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry this happened to you and that you don’t have the answers you need for closure. Just wanted to lend my support.

[Alice007]

Thanks Eve and Jennifer

Another morning. Worst part of the day for me. Evenings are surprisingly alright. I just stare at Netflix until I fall asleep.
I do wake up several times, but I manage to sleep again somehow.
But the mornings..
First I'm disappointed that I woke up at all, then I'm checking my emails and that's another disappointment.
Can't wait to speak to my therapist today, but dreading as well :/

It takes time... the death of a relationship requires mourning the loss. I have cried over the loss of my abusive ex, despite him being abusive. What I've cried about really is the loss of the dream of him & what he represented to me, ie, a long-term commitment and marriage.

There WILL be others, and there WILL be more love in your life, should you want it. Know that the sun WILL and DOES shine again. You are a lovely person, so cherish yourself for all that you are and all that you have to give. (((((Hugs))))))

[Alice007]

Feeling better after talking to my therapist. Best ££ ever spent

Can't even think about other men right now. Obviously I need to work on myself first and maybe in time I will meet someone when I'm ready and alright with myself
Apparently I have some serious daddy-issues...

[Erebos]

Haven'r we all.

[Alice007]

True that
It's like a flu these days

First morning without crying and falling apart in a week!

[Alice007]

Just as I was starting to feel better he sent me an email
So apparently reasons for breaking up were more technical than emotional. And that just says that there were no emotions at all from his side. Sweet.
I've responded that technical difficulties can be overcome, but lack of effort and willingness even to mention them to your partner is something else.

I'm not even feeling sad now. Definitely not happy, just numb. And I like it. I wish I could stay numb...

More technical? How so? That doesn't necessarily mean there were no emotions on his side.

I know the feeling of wanting to stay numb. Better than feeling pain. ((((Hugs)))))