Always hurting people

I feel so terrible. I keep hurting people that I care about. I don't do this on purpose. I never mean for it to happen but it keeps happening. It makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I feel sad and depressed because of it. Why does this keep happening to me? One person who I love so much now feels not loved, not enough and like they can never make me happy and the other person feels they always get screwed, not loved, not capable of being loved and ugly. Knowing that I cause them to feel this way makes me feel sad, depressed, anxious, not deserving, worthless and crappy. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to not screw up stuff so much. I guess I should stop trying to make friends.

You are only human and make mistakes but know you need to make a change. Big changes are hard but change is possible in small steps. Talking about the things we want to change is the first step. People with anxiety and compulsive thoughts (I can relate to this.) are really good at beating their self up--hopefully you can channel some of this energy into action.

Hello there. How are you hurting people and in what ways? With your words? With your actions? As Hoping said, there is always room for improvement and change within ourselves..... so if you keep hurting people, then perhaps think about what it is you are doing specifically that is hurtful, and how can you change this behavior in the future? It does not mean you are undeserving and unworthy, and it does not mean you need to withdraw and not make friendships... you are not helpless against your mental health conditions..... you CAN take control of your own behaviors..... everything IS within our own power to change and master... so if you don't like something about yourself, then how can you improve it so that your relationships are better?

I'm just always doing the wrong thing or making wrong choices. I went outside my marriage for emotional support. I grew feelings for the person I befriended. The feelings we're mutual. For me this isn't unusual to happen. I decided to tell my husband as I thought it was the right thing to do. For me this did not mean that I didn't love my husband anymore or that I was trying to leave him but he perceives it that way. He doesn't believe in having feelings for more than one person. So I said that I would stop talking to the friend. It was very hard to stop talking to the only person I felt I had as a friend and he was also my gaming buddy. My husband wasn't happy that I didn't stop talking to him when I said I would and then I did lie about it which made it worse. So this time I have actually stopped talking to him and the friend is hurt. I'm back to feeling alone and having no friends. My husband is great but he doesn't provide the full emotional support that I need or as much physical touch that I need. He tries to talk to me but we always end up arguing over whatever or he just gives me his opposing opinion or how he thinks something should be or whatever and that's not what I need. He is not very good at comforting me and just being there. I've learned that this is just different need styles. I need people in my life and I don't have any other than him and the kids. I need to feel connection with people and closeness but I can't because it's wrong. This has happened before and everyone gets hurt. Not saying they were in the wrong because I was. It just makes me feel like me as a person is wrong. If I was to be truly me it would be wrong. Not that I know who I am 100% because I Definitely do not but there are things about me that are wrong.

Hmmm.... I see. Well, first off, we can never get all that we need from just ONE person alone. We DO need friendships because other people can offer us different things that we may need. So you should be able to have other friendships, but I can also understand your husband being hurt because you developed feelings for someone else.

To clarify, were they romantic feelings you developed for this other person? Or just feelings of caring, closeness and friendship? We can have feelings for someone because they give us what we need, but it doesn't have to be romantic. There's a big difference.

One option is to talk to your husband openly about what you need from him. To present to him that you are looking for support, rather than an opposing viewpoint or how things "should be". That you simply want to feel understood...... and supported with your feelings.

So given that your husband was hurt by this, an open conversation about what you need and are looking for and WHY you turned to someone else is probably a good idea.

Healthy relationships involve open and honest conversations. We need to be open about what we need and want, and talk honestly about that with our partners.

That being said, like I mentioned, you should also be able to obtain support from other people and from other friendships. When you cross boundaries into developing romantic feelings for another outside your marriage, and IF that is what happened, then yes, people will get hurt.

I hope this helps. (((((Hugs))))))

Hi again! Yes I have talking with my husband several times about my needs and wants. He has different needs and they don't align too well with mine. I'm more needy. The more I talk to him about it the more I feel he gets annoyed and feels like he can't please me. Also yes the feelings we're romantic feelings. I was not unfaithful however.

Ahhh... ok. Well, it IS best to cut ties with the person because of the romantic feelings, and for the sake of your husband's feelings and your marriage.

It is tricky business. You can certainly develop friendships with others and get the emotional support you need outside your marriage, but when it crosses over into romantic feelings, there's bound to be trouble and hurt feelings.

I wish i had more for you, but you did the right thing by cutting off this other relationship. AND if that person now feels unloved and unworthy, honestly, that's THEIR issue to deal with on their own. It's not your responsibility to coddle this other person's feelings when romantic feelings have been developed inappropriately.

Thanks. It just makes me feel like a bad person.

Well, emotional cheating should make you feel like you were in the wrong. If you didn't have a conscience, you wouldn't feel bad. So you stepped outside your marriage emotionally and developed romantic feelings. That's a form of cheating. You can feel badly about it, but don't beat yourself up and make a universal statement that you're a bad person because of this... it happens a LOT and very frequently in marriages and relationships. All you can do now is cease the relationship, learn and grow from this.... and keep your behavior in check so it doesn't happen again.

I feel like I have hurt a lot of people in my life as well. (no affair... but I've been pretty rude to friends and family).

I relate....no advice, I couldn't advise, as, sadly, I do the same. Replying to wish you all the bast, to offer support n say, I understand, hugs

A great part of this is you realize it, that's major. I did this for years not knowing why and lost the love of my life doing this for which I will be forever regretful