[scorpiosis37]

It’s been a rough week. My sister got engaged a few months ago and the entire holiday season has turned into a celebration of her. Again. It’s not her fault; I actually get along well with my sister. But it’s hard to constantly hear wedding talk 24/7 and just sit there as “the other one.” I was also kind of hoping that my family might acknowledge a big career accomplishment I had this year, but they haven’t. My dad also spent hours and hours wrapping and decorating and customizing my sister’s gift. And, when he couldn’t get it to look right, he enlisted my help— so I spent half of the day re-decorating her gift. His gift for me wasn’t even wrapped at all. Just a cardboard box with a bow on it. I ended up trying to talk to him about it, but that was a disaster. He told me that I was just imagining the difference and said all I do is complain. But it’s been this way my whole life. I do all the work— clean the house, but the presents, wrap the presents, make the reservations, do the driving— and then sit there and watch everyone celebrate my sister. She got all of this really personalized wedding stuff from her favorite stores and I got plain white bed sheets— which I don’t need or want. It’s not about the item at all. I don’t need “stuff.” I just want to feel like my dad cares about me as much as he does my sister.

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

It’s been a rough week. My sister got engaged a few months ago and the entire holiday season has turned into a celebration of her. Again. It’s not her fault; I actually get along well with my sister. But it’s hard to constantly hear wedding talk 24/7 and just sit there as “the other one.” I was also kind of hoping that my family might acknowledge a big career accomplishment I had this year, but they haven’t. My dad also spent hours and hours wrapping and decorating and customizing my sister’s gift. And, when he couldn’t get it to look right, he enlisted my help— so I spent half of the day re-decorating her gift. His gift for me wasn’t even wrapped at all. Just a cardboard box with a bow on it. I ended up trying to talk to him about it, but that was a disaster. He told me that I was just imagining the difference and said all I do is complain. But it’s been this way my whole life. I do all the work— clean the house, but the presents, wrap the presents, make the reservations, do the driving— and then sit there and watch everyone celebrate my sister. She got all of this really personalized wedding stuff from her favorite stores and I got plain white bed sheets— which I don’t need or want. It’s not about the item at all. I don’t need “stuff.” I just want to feel like my dad cares about me as much as he does my sister.

Independence: the Lone Ranger's Tonto comes to mind. It appears to me that your sister has looked elsewhere for love. This means, in her case, that your Dad has successfully launched (at least for as long as marriage lasts) a daughter into society. Your being at hand and by his side is convenient but not quite the jewel in his crown the launch has made. "Yes!" He says to you, "help me be a successful father and parent." And you do. He is focused on his own success, what time is there for yours. A time comes when we must "fly the coup," so to speak, least someone find out that we have overextended our welcome. Yes. We have stumbled upon the true meaning of the once hip rebuke, "get a life." This raises the issue of the love for one's family or parents and their friends as an opposite to the love that acquires for us our own set of friends and family. What causes us to seek parental love as a preference to searching out our own personal love? Might all of this say that dad has given up on us? Still, we won't marry or remain single to please dad but for our own satisfaction. We arrange our entry into society so that society itself is pleased with our arrival. Such an arrangement is most likely to capture our parents as well.

I'm sorry.... I wish I had comforting words for you. That is not right or fair, so I understand your feelings completely. It's often all about my sister, too. I have learned to deal with it and accept it, but sometimes it's hard. I have taken a back burner role in our family, but I try not to let it ruin my own happiness. But I understand how you may feel.

Is there a way you can step back from doing so much work and let others take more of a fair share?

As for the OP's situation, I am most sorry that you must endure this. To not be valued is one of the worst experiences we can endure.

As said above, I would start to pull back on all that you are doing. Yes, it is very difficult to say 'no' or stand by and watch things not get done; but, in the long run, it should result in you at least finding value in yourself rather than seeking from others. You deserve to treat yourself fairly as it seems those around you aren't doing the same.

[Bill3]

Congratulations on your big career accomplishment!



It might be interesting to ask yourself why, for years, you have made yourself available to disproportionately clean, wrap, drive, reserve. What would happen if you made yourself less available for those tasks?

[divine1966]

Your feelings are valid. I felt this way at times. Not a good feeling at all.

I have a friend who is unmarried with no children and she is often treated certain way in a family. She is asked to babysit her niece all the time (unreasonable amount) and she is asked to drive grandma everywhere and she is asked to clean and cook for events etc pretty much her life revolves around her family but at the end she isn’t acknowledged as much and doesn’t get as much appreciation as her siblings.

Pretty much the message is “you have nothing else to do but help us”. But the catch is one of her sister is also single but her parents don’t make her do 100 things and they appreciate her. My friend says it’s because her sister just wouldn’t take these tasks on. She’d just not be available as she has hundreds of her own things to do. So no one asks her.

My friend however not only can’t say NO but also actively tell people that she has no life so her family (especially her married brother) actually think (they said that too) that by enlisting her to do 100 things they do her a favor by keeping her busy so she isn’t lonely.

Your parents might not appreciate all you do because they might think you have nothing else to do (of course you do but they might not grasp since you are available to do these things). Next time holidays roll in just not do all that. Be busy with other things. Just not be as available. I don’t mean you need to play games but if your parents don’t understand that they are hurting you, perhaps you can spend precious time doing other things.

[divine1966]

Scorpiosis, I wonder if your sister is aware of what’s happening? I just wonder how she views it. What’s her take on it? Wouldn’t it make her uncomfortable? If she is aware of it though.

[unaluna]

Scorpiosis deserves better than this. From her family, and from PC.

Sis, i was dismayed to read earlier this year that you'd left your position to take care of your parents. I went back home too about ten years ago, and it wasnt a good thing. I hope you come out of it alright.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by OldTaylor

Independence: the Lone Ranger's Tonto comes to mind. It appears to me that your sister has looked elsewhere for love. This means, in her case, that your Dad has successfully launched (at least for as long as marriage lasts) a daughter into society. Your being at hand and by his side is convenient but not quite the jewel in his crown the launch has made. "Yes!" He says to you, "help me be a successful father and parent." And you do. He is focused on his own success, what time is there for yours. A time comes when we must "fly the coup," so to speak, least someone find out that we have overextended our welcome. Yes. We have stumbled upon the true meaning of the once hip rebuke, "get a life." This raises the issue of the love for one's family or parents and their friends as an opposite to the love that acquires for us our own set of friends and family. What causes us to seek parental love as a preference to searching out our own personal love? Might all of this say that dad has given up on us? Still, we won't marry or remain single to please dad but for our own satisfaction. We arrange our entry into society so that society itself is pleased with our arrival. Such an arrangement is most likely to capture our parents as well.

I think you misunderstood my situation. I left home at 18, went to college and grad school, became a professor, and have always had an independent life. We all fly home for X-mas every year, and as my father has Parkinson’s and my mother is bedridden with MS, I do all of the cooking and cleaning and wrapping because they are physically unable to. My sister claims to be “too busy” and doesn’t help. My sister, however, (despite being college educated) has never held a job for more than 6 months and is supported by her fiancé. So it’s not the case that my sister had launched and I have not. I did, as another poster pointed out, recently leave my job in another state in order to move back home and take care of my dad when he went into the hospital. It was either I move in with him or he (and my mom) go to a nursing home. I have, however, got a publishing deal for my book and interviewed for a professor position at an even more prestigious University where my dad lives and am waiting to hear back in January. So, even though I did move home to take care of my parents in July, I still have an independent life. And, since I figured out that some of my dad’s worst symptoms were actually being caused by an allergic reaction to his medication (which his doctor missed) and he is improving significantly, it’s possible he will recover to the point I may no longer need to live with him. I still own my own house (which I’m renting out while I live with my parents), so if my dad recovers I will move back in to my own house.

Edit to add: It’s also relevant that my family did not celebrate when I got domestic partnered before gay marriage was legal. Granted, I have since ended that relationship and am single again, but I was formally partnered for 6 years. Because my sister is straight and is having a wedding, there is a huge celebration for her that I never had. I did not have a wedding because, at the time, my family would not have come (nor would here). That’s different now— my family has come around— but for years they treated my partner and my sister’s then boyfriend (not the one she is marrying now) very unequally.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I'm sorry.... I wish I had comforting words for you. That is not right or fair, so I understand your feelings completely. It's often all about my sister, too. I have learned to deal with it and accept it, but sometimes it's hard. I have taken a back burner role in our family, but I try not to let it ruin my own happiness. But I understand how you may feel.

Is there a way you can step back from doing so much work and let others take more of a fair share?

Thanks golden eye. It helps to know others have been in similar situations.

I really don’t mind doing all the things to help out (as I just said in response to someone else my parents are physically unable to do them due to illness), it would just be nice to feel appreciated for being the one to step up.

[unaluna]

When my dad had his stroke, i saw that he could only improve so far, and that my mother was not going to be happy with that limited improvement. Her expectation was the problem, not his ability. His ability was fact.

Then i started looking at how they had treated me in a different light. The broken typewriter for a graduation gift, the broken sewing machine for a wedding gift - both bought on sale, both unreturnable, both virtually unusable. Junk. They saw me as junk. It took me over 30 years to accept that they saw me as junk. Are THEY broken, or am i?

I didnt deserve that. I still dont know why they treated me that way. You dont deserve it either. Stop looking for different from them. It just isnt there. It isnt right, but it isnt there.

Appreciation is overrated. Van Gogh died penniless, right?

[seesaw]

Back to your situation: I know how you feel. When I finished graduate school, my father and grandparents refused to come to the ceremony, they also refused to come to my graduate ceremony when I finished my undergraduate degree. I had always worked really hard to achieve good grades and to achieve success.

My brother, on the other hand, was a drug addict all through high school who threatened to kill me every day and was violent and abusive towards me. He is one of my abusers and part of the reason I have complex PTSD.

When he finally got his life together and went to trade school and was graduating, my grandparents not only went to his ceremony, my dad forced me to go (I realize now I could have just said no, but I felt forced and out of control at the time) for which I had to give up time at work, get the time off work approved, and fly cross country to do so, and my grandparents paid for a celebration dinner at a nice restaurant for him.

He had nearly killed me, I don't know how many times. And yet I was forced to celebrate his accomplishment of graduating from a trade school at 27. This was after they declined to come to either of my graduations.

This was nothing unusual though. My accomplishments were often treated as secondary because I was a girl. My grandparents and parents would often try to build my brothers up by tearing me down, telling them that I was just "book smart" and that they were "street smart." For a long time I believed that ********, except I know it's not true. And it was wrong of them to suggest such when it was only a ploy to make my brothers feel better, by saying that I was not "street smart" when there was no evidence that I was not. I was plenty street smart. I managed to live through that violent household without getting killed right? So I must have some knowledge of how to read people and manipulate them so they won't kill me.

I think all that you can do is express to your father how it makes you feel that he clearly puts so much time into doing things for your sister, and yet doesn't seem to show you the same care. He can listen or not listen. But at least you will have aired your feelings.

I think the other thing you can do, which is what I have done, is start saying no. I no longer have any contact with my abusive brother. I will not be forced to have a relationship with someone who tried to molest me and kill me every day of my childhood and then thinks that simply because he stopped using drugs that he's absolved of guilt. My family can ignore what he did all they want, doesn't mean I have to. So you can start saying "no" to your dad when he asks for help wrapping your sister's gifts. Or planning your sister's wedding and other stuff. This appears to be an unhealthy dynamic in your family, so drawing boundaries, while it won't change the dynamic, will protect you from the dynamic. Remember that, boundaries aren't going to change the dynamic, only protect you from it.

Just don't let your boundaries go so far they don't let you to enjoy celebrating with your sister. Protect yourself though. It's clearly needed.

Seesaw

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I think you misunderstood my situation. I left home at 18, went to college and grad school, became a professor, and have always had an independent life. We all fly home for X-mas every year, and as my father has Parkinson’s and my mother is bedridden with MS, I do all of the cooking and cleaning and wrapping because they are physically unable to. My sister claims to be “too busy” and doesn’t help. My sister, however, (despite being college educated) has never held a job for more than 6 months and is supported by her fiancé. So it’s not the case that my sister had launched and I have not. I did, as another poster pointed out, recently leave my job in another state in order to move back home and take care of my dad when he went into the hospital. It was either I move in with him or he (and my mom) go to a nursing home. I have, however, got a publishing deal for my book and interviewed for a professor position at an even more prestigious University where my dad lives and am waiting to hear back in January. So, even though I did move home to take care of my parents in July, I still have an independent life. And, since I figured out that some of my dad’s worst symptoms were actually being caused by an allergic reaction to his medication (which his doctor missed) and he is improving significantly, it’s possible he will recover to the point I may no longer need to live with him. I still own my own house (which I’m renting out while I live with my parents), so if my dad recovers I will move back in to my own house.

Edit to add: It’s also relevant that my family did not celebrate when I got domestic partnered before gay marriage was legal. Granted, I have since ended that relationship and am single again, but I was formally partnered for 6 years. Because my sister is straight and is having a wedding, there is a huge celebration for her that I never had. I did not have a wedding because, at the time, my family would not have come (nor would here). That’s different now— my family has come around— but for years they treated my partner and my sister’s then boyfriend (not the one she is marrying now) very unequally.

That's the reality that I'm familiar with. There are a number or gay etc.,etc.,etc., people in my background. I can't recall one that struck me as unprepared for the adversity that came with their sexual preferences those that were not as readily accepted then as they are now. I kept thinking of how your dad was making such good use of your availability. It's like a father might do with his son. Maybe what you're witnessing is your dad's quaint and casual way of honoring your lifestyle choices. Again, I might not have a full grasp of what you're saying here. Am I anywhere close to what's going on. Your parents have come around to accepting your choices we agree?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by OldTaylor

That's the reality that I'm familiar with. There are a number or gay etc.,etc.,etc., people in my background. I can't recall one that struck me as unprepared for the adversity that came with their sexual preferences those that were not as readily accepted then as they are now. I kept thinking of how your dad was making such good use of your availability. It's like a father might do with his son. Maybe what you're witnessing is your dad's quaint and casual way of honoring your lifestyle choices. Again, I might not have a full grasp of what you're saying here. Am I anywhere close to what's going on. Your parents have come around to accepting your choices we agree?

That interpretation doesn’t really seem to fit. First, sexual orientation is not a “choice.” I also don’t feel as though my father treats me as a son. Between my sister and I, I’m definitely the “girlier” one. In our family, (siblings and cousins) we have 4 girls and no boys so everything is “the girls.” I’m the oldest so I’ve always been the leader and role model. I also don’t really understand how my dad is making use of my availability. He was in the hospital unconscious so I left my house and my job and went to be with him. I don’t think he is “honoring” my sexuality in any way. Since I’m currently single, we don’t really talk about it. But I know if I got married, my family would treat it as “less than” my sister’s heterosexual marriage. They aren’t as homophobic as they used to be, but they aren’t exactly ready to join PFLAG either. My sexuality isn’t usually a big topic of conversation.

Edit to add: As for my mom, she has dementia in addition to MS so she doesn’t know I’m gay but she’s homophobic. She’s not mentally “there” so she’s really not a player in the situation. Just someone I’m responsible for (we have a part-time caretaker to help).

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

That interpretation doesn’t really seem to fit. First, sexual orientation is not a “choice.” I also don’t feel as though my father treats me as a son. Between my sister and I, I’m definitely the “girlier” one. In our family, (siblings and cousins) we have 4 girls and no boys so everything is “the girls.” I’m the oldest so I’ve always been the leader and role model. I also don’t really understand how my dad is making use of my availability. He was in the hospital unconscious so I left my house and my job and went to be with him. I don’t think he is “honoring” my sexuality in any way. Since I’m currently single, we don’t really talk about it. But I know if I got married, my family would treat it as “less than” my sister’s heterosexual marriage. They aren’t as homophobic as they used to be, but they aren’t exactly ready to join PFLAG either. My sexuality isn’t usually a big topic of conversation.

Edit to add: As for my mom, she has dementia in addition to MS so she doesn’t know I’m gay but she’s homophobic. She’s not mentally “there” so she’s really not a player in the situation. Just someone I’m responsible for (we have a part-time caretaker to help).

Thank you for that clarity. I think I understand something here. I think your post defies my interpretations. I wish you good fortune as you find one. I wish you well in life. Thank for being so patient. My dad passed a few years ago. I had just gotten to know him a little.

[winter loneliness]

Stop expecting them to appreciate you. Appreciate yourself.

I am the black sheep of the family. But guess what? Screw that. I rock!

[hvert]

Sorry, that sure sounds like a crappy week. I don't get why parents do stuff like that. My boyfriend is the only one of his siblings to regularly visit his parents. All his mother can do is talk about his younger sister. It drives me crazy to see him treated this way and to see him put up with it.

I hope this week is easier. Holidays are hard.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Stop expecting them to appreciate you. Appreciate yourself.

I am the black sheep of the family. But guess what? Screw that. I rock!

I agree with you, but it still doesn't take away the hurt that you should be able to rely on family to accept you and celebrate you.

Once you can accept that you will never get validation from your family, it is easier to move on, but it doesn't change that it hurts to not get hat love from your family.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Thanks golden eye. It helps to know others have been in similar situations.

I really don’t mind doing all the things to help out (as I just said in response to someone else my parents are physically unable to do them due to illness), it would just be nice to feel appreciated for being the one to step up.

I understand it must be really difficult and painful to feel unappreciated and to not get the love and attention you want and need from your family.

That being said, given your prior post, you are doing SO well in life -- SO WELL! Professorship at a prestigious university, you own your own home, and you came home to help out your parents (which is MOST admirable!!). Sometimes we have to validate ourselves when we don't get it from others that we care about. You are doing right by your family... and that is the honorable thing to do. Your sister sounds a bit less self-reliant and self-sufficient, and perhaps even a bit more selfish since she is not helping. I wonder if your family sees you as the one who is doing well and her not doing so well and that's why they give her more attention? I could be wrong, but it's a possibility. And then there's the unequal treatment towards your former partner and her fiance. That's not right....

My hope is for you to somehow make peace with this situation, as best you can under the circumstances, knowing that you are doing the right things AND that you are secure in your own life and are doing so well.

((((Hugs))))

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I understand it must be really difficult and painful to feel unappreciated and to not get the love and attention you want and need from your family.

That being said, given your prior post, you are doing SO well in life -- SO WELL! Professorship at a prestigious university, you own your own home, and you came home to help out your parents (which is MOST admirable!!). Sometimes we have to validate ourselves when we don't get it from others that we care about. You are doing right by your family... and that is the honorable thing to do. Your sister sounds a bit less self-reliant and self-sufficient, and perhaps even a bit more selfish since she is not helping. I wonder if your family sees you as the one who is doing well and her not doing so well and that's why they give her more attention? I could be wrong, but it's a possibility. And then there's the unequal treatment towards your former partner and her fiance. That's not right....

My hope is for you to somehow make peace with this situation, as best you can under the circumstances, knowing that you are doing the right things AND that you are secure in your own life and are doing so well.

((((Hugs))))

Thank-you. What you wrote resonates with me. I do think, at times, my dad has given her more attention because she had had a harder time with things like school and career. It’s not the reason for all of the unequal treatment, but some of it. She has gotten in trouble with the law in the past, and definitely required more attention in that respect.

When I lived on the other side of the country, it was very easy to just live my own life and not be bothered by this kind of stuff. This is the first time I’ve lived in the same state as my parents since I was 18– and now I’ve been in my childhood bedroom for 6 months— and some of that old stuff that I thought I’d forgotten has resurfaced. I’ll move through it, it was just a ****** week. And I tried talking to my dad about it— but he just yelled at me and wasn’t willing to hear me out. So it’s not going to change. Today is my sister’s birthday— and I’m planning her party— so I’m going to go get that off the ground, but tomorrow I’m hoping to get some “me” time. It just sucks that my life and my support people are still on the other side of the country where I lived for the last 8 years.

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Thank-you. What you wrote resonates with me. I do think, at times, my dad has given her more attention because she had had a harder time with things like school and career. It’s not the reason for all of the unequal treatment, but some of it. She has gotten in trouble with the law in the past, and definitely required more attention in that respect.

When I lived on the other side of the country, it was very easy to just live my own life and not be bothered by this kind of stuff. This is the first time I’ve lived in the same state as my parents since I was 18– and now I’ve been in my childhood bedroom for 6 months— and some of that old stuff that I thought I’d forgotten has resurfaced. I’ll move through it, it was just a ****** week. And I tried talking to my dad about it— but he just yelled at me and wasn’t willing to hear me out. So it’s not going to change. Today is my sister’s birthday— and I’m planning her party— so I’m going to go get that off the ground, but tomorrow I’m hoping to get some “me” time. It just sucks that my life and my support people are still on the other side of the country where I lived for the last 8 years.

Yes, this is somewhat similar to the situation with my own sister. My parents now give her a lot more attention than me because she has a lot more problems. When you try to understand things from that perspective, it may lessen the pain of some of it at least.

It is much harder when you're brought back to the house you grew up in, when you're living away from your support system and when you're faced with the issue head on in a frequent manner.

Sorry it was such a bad week. You're a very loving sister and daughter to be doing as much as you are. Can you reach out to your friends back where you were living for additional support?

Are you able to perhaps see a therapist while you are living at home with your family?? That may help as well.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Stop expecting them to appreciate you. Appreciate yourself.


I am the black sheep of the family. But guess what? Screw that. I rock!

It is easier said than done. I agree with you in theory but if it were that easy to put into practice, everyone would do it.
I am very glad that you are able to appreciate yourself despite being the black sheep of the family but please do consider the possibility that this is harder for most people.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

It is easier said than done. I agree with you in theory but if it were that easy to put into practice, everyone would do it.
I am very glad that you are able to appreciate yourself despite being the black sheep of the family but please do consider the possibility that this is harder for most people.

It IS very hard, because you have to decide what the truth is. You think the truth is something you can take for granted, like - "this is the most people that ever showed up for an inauguration." Its crazy-making. And its your own family doing it to you. But it doesnt show up on SNL that weekend, and your friends are tired of hearing it. But yeah - its real. Been there. Spending the rest of my life getting out.

[winter loneliness]

I am not unsympathetic to the pain. I am in my 50s and have been in therapy for a long time.

I know it is painful. I have experienced the same thing. I am the eldest, the most educated, the dependable one. And my parents have always insulted and criticized me.

I have worked hard to develop my own self-esteem.

That is my suggestion. The better you feel about yourself, the less their opinion will matter.

Abusive family members rarely change, unfortunately.

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

That is my suggestion. The better you feel about yourself, the less their opinion will matter.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I, too, have been criticized heavily by my parents all my life. I learned to validate myself and to develop stronger self-esteem so what they say now rolls off my back much more easily and I don't look to them for validation anymore.