[Mtoto22]

Hi, my boyfriend/fiance and i have been together over 4 years. We have been through a LOT together, have lived together for years, hiked thousands of miles, lived in a tent for 8 months and a barn for 2 years, are currently starting a business together. In some ways, we are unbreakable. We share a ton of the same ideals, were at one point deeply in love, got engaged, have had endless conversations about our shared future... but things have been slowly eroding over time, and i can't tell if i'm stuck in a classic toxic/abusive relationship (the consensus of my family, the only ones i've been able to confide in), or if we both just bring a lot of baggage to the table (we do) and need a lot of help working it out. Worse, i don't know if it's reparable, or if he's willing to do that work (so far, no - he avoids it), but neither of us can manage to end it either despite more 12-hour breakups than i can count. At this point we are miserable. We fight constantly, haven't had sex in 2 years (another complicated issue). He has severe anger management issues and knows how to say the things that hurt most, things nobody should ever say to a partner no matter what. And each time he does i feel our relationship deflate more. I get pushed past the end of my rope and behave in ways i've never behaved with another partner. But in between the fights, things are good and i get relentlessly optimistic they will improve... but then another explosion and back to square one.
He is beyond frustrated at my lack of affection, which he sees as punishment, but i see as me just plain being hurt.
I feel like he never truly listens to me. ADHD on his part doesn't help and we are both aware of this, but also we cycle through the same issues and fights endlessly and he never seems to fully hear me or care how he leaves me feeling. Everuthong i say gets twisted until i am crying with frustration.
I am frustrated with him not pulling his weight as far as domestic and financial responsibilities go. He feels underappreciated.
I am frustrated with his negative, pessimistic, untrusting views of people, and he feels judged by me.
He has a thousand reasons to avoid dialogue or getting proffessional help, and the one time i convinced him to do couples counseling we went 3 times and he was communicative and nice during the sessions but explosively angry afterwards.
I don't know what to do. I fear that fear itself is part of what is preventing me from moving on (i am 33, have a lot of social anxiety and almost no friends, fear i'll never have a family if i leave him), i can't stand the idea of watching that future we've put so much energy into crumble... i do love and care about him, but i have so much resentment built up and zero desire for sex. i just don't know what to do. Most importantly it is nearly impossible for me to have conversations w him about it bc he gets immediately defensive, plays the victim, isn't able or willing to see my perspective, just sees it as a "fight" that i am out to "win" at any cost. All i want to win is a lovong relationship.
Heeeelp!

I am sorry you are struggling so much. It is very difficult to break away from a long-term relationship that has so much invested. However, this is not a healthy relationship. Love should not involve emotional pain and hurt. It seems very tumultuous, and yes, it seems impossible to make changes given his responses and his lack of desire to change and make improvements.

My advice? Get out while you can. You are still young and can meet someone else to have children with. This will continue on as it is, and he will not change, unless he made a sincere commitment to therapy. This will continue to be very tumultuous and difficult. It seems very toxic for you. And the fact that you don't want to be intimate with him for two years says it all.

These articles may help you distinguish healthy vs. unhealthy relationships and also define emotional and verbal abuse:

https://happinessblog.net/unhealthy-relationships/

https://happinessblog.net/verbal-and...relationships/

[Mtoto22]

Ouch. Thanks for responding, and for taking the time to read my post. Part of me thinks you're right, and the realization absolutely kills. We've thought of each other as "the one" for so long, been at each other's side mearly 24/7 for the last 4 years due to the nature of our lives. We are close... but sometimes i still feel SO alone.
But part of me also feels it's more complicated than that. Most websites make abusive relationships seem one-sided: the victim and the abuser. But we both have our issues and baggage, and I fear I'M being toxic too. I am constantly frustrated with him, I nag, hold grudges when i feel i've been treated unfairly without a real apology, withhold sex and affection (not as punishment though - i just don't feel it). I do try to control elements of how he spends time and money... but it's because we are trying to start a farm business together, which makes both time and money extremely tight. I wish we could address this stuff in therapy but money is an issue and his "win the fight" attitude and blaming and projection and judging therapists to be incompetent just makes it seem like it would be a waste. I've tried sharing internet articles but he is very dismissive, rolling his eyes at words like "stonewalling" and "gasslighting," both of which he does. It's all fake internet psychology designed to feed women's victim identities.
And sometimes i feel like i'm just really hard to love, too sensitive, too needy, maybe i blow things out of proportion and hang onto stuff too long. Who else would stick around after 2 years of no sex? He acts like a tirelessly loving committed husband who ended up with a difficult, "intense" wife. Did he??
I have never been so confused about how to feel, and it has been eating up tremendous amounts of energy and focus over the years. So tired of the cycles and desperate for change.

[Trippin2.0]

You’ve contradicted yourself, which is actually a good thing for once because it provides clear perspective.

You don’t want to leave because you’re 33, want to make babies and raise a family and fear if you leave him it won’t happen.

Well you may as well leave because it’s not happening with him. You’re not having sex, and last I checked the stork was an old wives tale.

Besides, even if you could bring yourself to swallow your resentment and make sweet sweet love to this man... would it really be fair to bring innocent children into this toxic mess you two have grown so accustomed to?....

Me thinks not.

You two sound more addicted to each other than in love with each other, I too found myself in that boat some years ago.

It did not end well, we ended up bringing out the worst in each other.

Or maybe he was a monster all along and just brought out the worst in me, not sure. Either way we crashed, we burned and years later I am still dealing with the aftermath.

Listen to the logic in your beautiful contradiction.

Leave

[divine1966]

There is no future in this mess unfortunately. You can start fresh at 33 or stay with him till 60 and start good life then? Which one sounds better to you? I’d say “now” sounds pretty good to me

[Bill3]

But we both have our issues and baggage, and I fear I'M being toxic too.

No matter who is more toxic, this is not working and it has not been working for quite some time.

I've tried sharing internet articles but he is very dismissive, rolling his eyes at words like "stonewalling" and "gasslighting," both of which he does. It's all fake internet psychology designed to feed women's victim identities.

He won't listen to you, he sneers at you, he does not respect your mind or take you seriously. He also does not respect outside professionals. He just wants to "win".

What does "winning" mean for him? It means to humiliate you, to be able to crow, to lord things over you.

All of the above means that trying to change things with him, which has been futile for a long time, will continue to be futile. Futile.

My advice is to leave.

[Mtoto22]

Well crap. I suppose toxic is toxic regardless of who's more at fault. Hard truth to swallow. Thanks all for weighing in.

[Mtoto22]

The thing is, we love each other. We have this intense bond after going through SO much together. A lot of times i think of it as a strength that we're still together after so many miles and trials. We are both intense people in very different ways. Or is this just an unhealthy attachment to what i want the relationship to be/what it was early on?
We are so very dysfunctional. Has anyone on here actually worked through a dysfunctional relationship and salvaged things? It's easy to convey all the problems, but harder to convey what has kept us together.
Tonight he came home after being gone a week. We'd been fighting pretty bad before he left, i was cold and unaffectionate when he came back, he was distant and aggravated but offended i wasn't excited to see him. I tried to explain how my feelings have been burning out after all these fights and i just don't feel close to him anymore (harsh homecoming i know). Now i feel awful for hurting him because he says he never stops feeling like we are partners. He is really angry. I'm not trying to hurt him just trying to explain why i don't feel close. Doors slammed, yelling, sleeping apart.
Is it unhealthy for me to still be mad over a fight we had a week ago? I stay upset for so long. He says i lack ability to "move on" and forgive. I feel i never got the resolution i needed. This happens all the time. Yelled/grumbled/texted 2-word apologies don't feel sincere.
I guess i'm wondering if it's normal to be SO attached to such a broken relationship. Or if the love deep down in there is worth fighting for.
Also we are becoming more financially intertwined as we start our farm together and his parents are wanting to help (so far i have financed most of it) and this makes me extremely nervous. I feel like i need to make a decision very soon before it gets complicated. And both options seem terrible.
Random side note: is nagging an adult to brush his teeth (he often skips) reasonable, normal nagging? Or am i overstepping.
Also he says viciously mean things when he's mad which he says are a response to my constant nagging. He later says he "obviously" didn't mean them but i can't un-feel them. Could a more normal balanced confident person just accept the things weren't meant and roll on?
That was a bit of a jumble but input on any of it helps.
Thanks