Today I received two late Christmas cards from two cousins I haven't spoken to in years. I know for a fact, that they don't have my current street address, and despite being connected on Facebook they never contacted me to ask me for my street address.

The only person who could have given them my address is my sister who is Facebook friends with them and me.

The reason why I feel like this is a betrayal is the very disconnected relationship I have with these two cousins.

Cousin #1 wrote me a very snarky note at my grad school graduation, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there," a quote by writer Lewis Carroll. Not exactly the standard, "congrats on your hard work in your grad program" graduation card message. She knew that I hadn't passed my licensure test again because my sister gossips about me behind my back (she's done this to me, my entire life, and she lies about it whenever I confront her about doing this to me). Cousin #1 and I aren't close and have very opposing values and worldview from each other.

Cousin #2 groomed me to have sex with him, sexually harassing me, on a family vacation when we were teenagers, then telling everyone he wanted to have sex with me. We were only 14 and 15 years old. He was always crossing lines like that, as I recall. Not someone you could trust.

Cousin #2 also insulted Cousin #1 at her wedding and nearly got sent to the E.R. by Cousin #1's new husband. He asked her to dance, and asked her why she got married if she "bats for the other team." Well, Cousin #1's new husband was ready to pumel Cousin #2 and none of us defended Cousin #2's inappropriate behavior. I didn't even go to Cousin #2's wedding; I was told at his wedding, his speech consisted of sharing the reason why he got married was because he knocked up his fiance and didn't want to have a bastard child.

I'm not Facebook friends with Cousin #2 or his siblings or my aunt and uncle (I was with my uncle at one point, until he berated me on my own Facebook page for being a liberal Democrat, and posting literary quotes with curse words, because he's a holier than thou type who puts on the act of kind, quiet person but is a very manipulative person who lies a lot). So, to get a Christmas card from him at all, was a shock to my system. My sister knows that he groomed me and sexually harassed me. So, why would she give him my street address? Or, was it Cousin #1 who gave Cousin #2 my street address?

Neither Cousin #1 or #2 even signed their Christmas cards to me, which were a family photo. Talk about no effort made to reach out write something about Christmas, etc.

I'm just very put off by this experience. First, if you want my address, then ask ME for it. Don't go behind my back and get it from my sister. That just seems so disingenuous to me. I mean, why not just ask me for my address if you're already Facebook friends with me? It makes no sense.

I can't help but wonder if my sister gossiped to our Cousin #1 about what she knew Cousin #2 did to me when we were teenagers, and she and Cousin #1 thought it would be a cruel joke to give Cousin #2 my street address? I could be reaching, but I can't think of why I only received Christmas cards from those two random family members. No one sends me Christmas cards. Not even my sister. It feels like my sister betrayed my trust.

[Quarter life]

Hi Cielpur.

I would certainly have a word in your sisters ear for a start, as you may just be making assumptions at this point. If she indeed passed on personal details without your permission, then politely ask her to not do this again without ok'ing it through you. As for the other 2...I wouldn't worry or fret about it too much. Them sending you a Xmas card means that they were thinking about you, even if it was a direct attempt to upset you it reveals that they are unhappy in their lives....Otherwise they wouldn't have even bothered.

Please don't take their childish spiteful actions to heart...start the New Year in the knowledge that you are the bigger persons by flipping off their bad form.

Originally Posted by Quarter life

Hi Cielpur.

I would certainly have a word in your sisters ear for a start, as you may just be making assumptions at this point. If she indeed passed on personal details without your permission, then politely ask her to not do this again without ok'ing it through you. As for the other 2...I wouldn't worry or fret about it too much. Them sending you a Xmas card means that they were thinking about you, even if it was a direct attempt to upset you it reveals that they are unhappy in their lives....Otherwise they wouldn't have even bothered.

Please don't take their childish spiteful actions to heart...start the New Year in the knowledge that you are the bigger persons by flipping off their bad form.

Thanks Quarter life. I hope you're doing well.

Before I just read your post, I did send my sister and Cousin #1 a Facebook message. I asked them both why either of them gave out my address without my permission to our Cousin #2, and expressed to Cousin #1 that I wished she would have just asked me directly for my address than go through my sister.

Now, knowing them both as I do, I will not be surprised to receive blowback from my sister and Cousin #1 when they read my Facebook message. My sister already blocks me from her Facebook wall yet keeps me as a Facebook friend, as does Cousin #1.

The two of them have a history of doing petty, mean things to me. So, it wouldn't surprise me if i never find out the truth from either of them. I am foolish to keep asking them to respect me, when time and time again, they show me that they don't want to.

I'm trying to start the New Year off by no longer repressing my feelings to the toxic people in my life when they do stuff like this to me. Even if it means they pushback with more petty behavior as a response to me asking them to be respectful to me. At least I'm finally speaking up for myself. It's futile in a sense, because they will never change their low opinion of me no matter what I do. But, at the same time, I am tired of being a doormat and swallowing my feelings and internalizing their emotional abuse.

The real tragedy will be when my sister cuts me off from communication with her three children. The dynamic is: as long as I continue to play the doormat to my sister, she lets me occasionally see her children at their birthday and Christmas and Thanksgiving but that's it. If and when I assert myself, she then temporarily gives me the silent treatment after berating me, and cuts me off from communication with her three children.

In my family, I'm not allowed to speak up for myself and I am tired of allowing that dysfunctional dynamic to continue. It has to stop. Life is short. I want to be happy. I am tired of people esp. family members treating me this way.

[Turtle_Rider]

I may have a different view. I think the cousin #1 is caring for you. That quote can be a motivational one. Some people tend to give their gratitude using quotes. I honestly think she means that you can go anywhere you want to. I think it is a misunderstanding.

I agree that Cousin #2 is not good. And whoever passed your address to him, should be warned. And yeah, they are disrespectful to not telling you.

I don't know whether they betray you or not. If they are the toxics, you have the rights to walk away from them.

[amandalouise]

no I would not consider suddenly getting an unsigned christmas card from a cousin that is not on my facebook friends list a betrayal of another family member.... if it was me my first thought would be wow this cousin took the time to locate me and send me a christmas card....

you see everything is computerized now. if anyone has a facebook or twitter and they have filled in the registration questions then through doing an internet search anyone can find that person. if anyone uses their real name and real address and phone numbers on the internet in any way.... to buy things, to register for websites, or even have electric bills, phone bills, a bank aaccount... you name it... everything is computerized now. its very easy to locate someone....

example recently my wife and I found a picture with just a name on the back that belonged to someone who used to own our home years ago. the picture was found inside a wall vent. we went on the internet. googled their name and there we had the past owners name. their descendants, their locations, birth records, death records heck we even had one of their relatives prison records, that was all online through these digital public records websites.

in todays world if someone doesnt want to be found they have to go totally cash, no internet, no cable, no cellphones no trails at all not even renting or buying a home.... go off the grid so the speak.

so no I would not jump to the conclusion that another family member told them...

most people now days dont sign christmas cards. when I open my regular mail and I have christmas cards sometimes I even have to guess at the senders name because they havent signed the christmas card and forgot to put their own name and address on the enveloope. I again chalk this up to hey we are in the computer age, doing things manually for some people is almost non existent. I know lots of people who rely more on computers then manual non computer things so they just dont think about signing a paper christmas card.

my suggestion would be to contact the cousin and say something like........thank you and by the way do you realize you forgot to sign the card. good thing you filled out the envelop so that I could find you and thank you for the card. then they can tell you their self how they found you and why they didnt sign the card.

I too view this differently. I gave out some addresses this last greeting card season without hesitation and now wonder if that was the right thing to do. I guess I just figured that they wanted to make a kind hearted gesture to another family member.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I too view this differently. I gave out some addresses this last greeting card season without hesitation and now wonder if that was the right thing to do. I guess I just figured that they wanted to make a kind hearted gesture to another family member.

How do you view my situation? My Cousin #2 sexually harassed me as a teenager, has a history of inappropriate behavior that everyone in the family knows about. And someone gave him my street address without my permission, knowing what happened to me. And somehow you interpret the blank Christmas card from my pervert cousin as a gesture of Goodwill? That's not a correct interpretation at all.

Originally Posted by Turtle_Rider

I may have a different view. I think the cousin #1 is caring for you. That quote can be a motivational one. Some people tend to give their gratitude using quotes. I honestly think she means that you can go anywhere you want to. I think it is a misunderstanding.

I agree that Cousin #2 is not good. And whoever passed your address to him, should be warned. And yeah, they are disrespectful to not telling you.

I don't know whether they betray you or not. If they are the toxics, you have the rights to walk away from them.

I appreciate your response but I disagree with you about the way I interpreted my cousin's message that she wrote in the grad school graduation card.

She responded to my message today, denying that she gave our pervert cousin my street address. And my sister blocked me from Facebook now, do maybe she's the one who did it. None of my other relatives have my contact information, and my mother doesn't have my street address either because of our strained communication.

[seesaw]

cielpur. I have been in a similar situation, in which I purposely did not give contact information to certain family members and they got it anyhow and sent me things. The best thing to do is to ignore whatever they sent you. Just throw it away. By acknowledging it, you give them the satisfaction of knowing that they interacted with you. When you fail to acknowledge it at all, they get no satisfaction and no reward for their effort.

Regarding them getting your address, there are many ways they could have gotten your address. I do suspect that your sister may have given it out. No, she should not have done this. But there's not much you can do about it except throw away anything that comes from this pervert cousin and pretend it didn't happen. Ignore it.

I do think a word with your sister to not give out your personal information is advised, but I would not have done it in an accusatory tone. Many people just do not understand wanting to cut family members who are toxic off or wanting to keep information private. They don't understand the concept of self care. It probably would have been better to say, I'm not sure if you gave out my address or not, but please, just in the future if you do get asked, tell the person to ask me directly or do not give it out at all.

My brother used to get mad at me because my mom would ask questions about me. He would get mad because I wasn't speaking to my mother at the time, I had no contact. And I told him, don't get mad at me about it. Get mad at her. You are not a conduit for information. Just tell her, stop asking me questions about seesaw. I don't have to remain in an unhealthy relationship just because my brother is okay being in an unhealthy relationship.

It's like now, I have finally cut my brother out of my life (he tried to molest me and kill me growing up), and my mother and I have made amends and have a much healthier relationship with boundaries now. My mother will try and give me updates about my brother, and I've made it clear to her that I do not want to discuss anything about him. He was injured in a motorcycle crash a couple of years ago, and she keeps trying to give me updates and tell me about his surgeries, and, I'm not rude about it, I just don't respond and change the subject. She's learned through this quiet setting of boundaries that I don't care to discuss him or whatever is going on with him. I also don't discuss things about my other brother or my nephews with her. In fact, in general, I don't discuss anything going on with family members with her. I've come to the resolution that if she wants information about a family member, then she should just ask them. It's not my place to tell her things. And if I want to know about a family member, I will just ask that family member.

Now certainly there are things we discuss, like the situation with her stepson and how that's affecting her. But that's different. She's a party to that situation. This isn't like telling me random crap about a family member's life or gossiping about a family member.

So, anyways, I digress. I don't know that it's a betrayal, as you asked, but it's certainly not very considerate and a symptom of the poor boundaries in your family.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by cielpur

How do you view my situation? My Cousin #2 sexually harassed me as a teenager, has a history of inappropriate behavior that everyone in the family knows about. And someone gave him my street address without my permission, knowing what happened to me. And somehow you interpret the blank Christmas card from my pervert cousin as a gesture of Goodwill? That's not a correct interpretation at all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I did not make interpretation of your own situation I merely made comment of how I came to do such thing myself. If you read my post I even raised my own question as to whether or not I had done the right thing.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I did not make interpretation of your own situation I merely made comment of how I came to do such thing myself. If you read my post I even raised my own question as to whether or not I had done the right thing.

Ok thanks for clarifying what you meant. I thought you were judging me for being upset.

[RubyRae]

Just a little FYI...

It's very easy to get someones address just by searching their name online.That's how I found my Moms address to send her a Christmas card this year.

Google your name and you will be surprised at what all comes up.

[FallDuskTrain]

Hey Cielpur;

I hope you are well.

First and foremost I am really very sorry that you are triggered. It is very understandable.
I don’t know if this would be considered as betrayal but considering how it woke up the memories of unfortunate experiences and triggered you, I can say that it is very annoying. I wish you had not received the cards. But it is too late to fantasize it: so you can choose to throw away the Christmas cards.
Your sister did cross the line and was not considered of you.

[/QUOTE] Cousin #2 groomed me to have sex with him, sexually harassing me, on a family vacation when we were teenagers, then telling everyone he wanted to have sex with me. We were only 14 and 15 years old. He was always crossing lines like that, as I recall. Not someone you could trust.[/QUOTE] I am really sorry that this happened to you. I really am.

[/QUOTE] I can't help but wonder if my sister gossiped to our Cousin #1 about what she knew Cousin #2 did to me when we were teenagers, and she and Cousin #1 thought it would be a cruel joke to give Cousin #2 my street address?. [/QUOTE]

I would like to make a comment and please know that I am saying this only with care. It saddens me to see this... Why do you entertain these thoughts? In other words, why do you spend your energy, which I assume is limited, in visiting these scenario-villes? You might be right. May be they are talking about you. Yes, it is heartbreaking and very wrong but it is not in your control to detect or change others’ trashy behavior.
Please allow me to clarify: i have done this as well; in fact, I destroyed my life many times and I had to re-stitch my life back together. Just because I was constantly visiting these scenario-villes which may or may not exist. I should have focused my limited energy to my physical and mental health, career, interpersonal relationships.
The more you focus on what others are talking or thinking about you, especially those with whom you had conflicts, the more anger and suffering you will have within you.

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Just a little FYI...

It's very easy to get someones address just by searching their name online.That's how I found my Moms address to send her a Christmas card this year.

Google your name and you will be surprised at what all comes up.

So, you think that my pervert cousin just randomly Googled my name after all these years of no contact, to send me a blank Christmas card photo of him with his wife and kids? That's not what happened. It was my sister's doing actually.

But I do agree that our information is online, and is collected and sold by data brokers to other third party websites that make money off of our name, address, etc. But that's definitely not what happened with my pervert cousin.

***********************************************************************************

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

Hey Cielpur;

I hope you are well.

First and foremost I am really very sorry that you are triggered. It is very understandable.

I don’t know if this would be considered as betrayal but considering how it woke up the memories of unfortunate experiences and triggered you, I can say that it is very annoying. I wish you had not received the cards. But it is too late to fantasize it: so you can choose to throw away the Christmas cards.
Your sister did cross the line and was not considered of you.

Cousin #2 groomed me to have sex with him, sexually harassing me, on a family vacation when we were teenagers, then telling everyone he wanted to have sex with me. We were only 14 and 15 years old. He was always crossing lines like that, as I recall. Not someone you could trust.[/QUOTE]

I am really sorry that this happened to you. I really am.

[/QUOTE] I can't help but wonder if my sister gossiped to our Cousin #1 about what she knew Cousin #2 did to me when we were teenagers, and she and Cousin #1 thought it would be a cruel joke to give Cousin #2 my street address?. [/QUOTE]

I would like to make a comment and please know that I am saying this only with care. It saddens me to see this..[B]. Why do you entertain these thoughts? In other words, why do you spend your energy, which I assume is limited, in visiting these scenario-villes? You might be right. May be they are talking about you. Yes, it is heartbreaking and very wrong but it is not in your control to detect or change others’ trashy behavior.
Please allow me to clarify: i have done this as well; in fact, I destroyed my life many times and I had to re-stitch my life back together. Just because I was constantly visiting these scenario-villes which may or may not exist. I should have focused my limited energy to my physical and mental health, career, interpersonal relationships.

The more you focus on what others are talking or thinking about you, especially those with whom you had conflicts, the more anger and suffering you will have within you. [/QUOTE]

**********************************************************************************

Thank you for your post FallDusTrain. I understand what you mean, but I don't think that I am stuck in the past. I do agree with you though, about how unhealthy it is to dwell on the past.

Had neither cousin sent me those late Christmas cards, I would not have thought about them or what each of them did to me. But, because they did send me those cards, which I had no idea would happen, yes, I was triggered by the past and it upset me, so I posted here to vent about how it made me feel. Why do you consider my venting about what happened to me, as dwelling on my past?

It's more healthy to discuss feelings than to repress them. It helps me to discuss feelings and I learn from other people who have had similar experiences. So it makes me feel less alone. Otherwise, I would never have joined PC as a member to talk to other people online about my life.

I did throw away their Christmas cards, but that doesn't mean I can just "forget" about what they each did to me. I think it's normal to take time to bounce back when something in your present, triggers your past.

It gave me an opportunity to speak up for myself with my cousin #1 and my sister, to reset boundaries. Resetting boundaries with toxic people is a good thing. I'm glad I got to do that. I will always be the scapegoat and doormat in my family, but that doesn't mean I can't change myself. Setting boundaries (for me) is important, even when it's with people who don't respect me or care that I set boundaries. I'm putting myself first, for once.

[RubyRae]

. So, you think that my pervert cousin just randomly Googled my name after all these years of no contact, to send me a blank Christmas card photo of him with his wife and kids? That's not what happened. It was my sister's doing actually

It's possible,yeah.

And how do you know for sure your sister did this?

Originally Posted by RubyRae

It's possible,yeah.

And how do you know for sure your sister did this?

Only she has my current street address information. I've never received holiday cards or birthday cards from any cousins in years, and don't have any of my cousins' street addresses anymore.