[RubySapphire]

I have been in a polyfidelity relationship for 4 months, with my long-term girlfriend and recent boyfriend.
Last night we all had a deep chat about depression and such.
I have been struggling with it for many weeks now, I told them I could barely find a reason to keep living and to get out of bed.
However all they seemed to care about was sex - naturally my sex drive was dead.
There are rules in our relationship that no one can be left out of such activities, and they did just that, right next to me after I had told them I was depressed.
After I was clearly mad, my girlfriend stormed out as she always did in these situations, she always tries to play the victim.

I feel they're not taking my depression seriously...or respecting my feelings, its been like this for a long time. Everytime I speak of an issue, she plays the victim.
I feel for my own good I should break it off, but I have so much in common with them that I'm afraid what I'll do if I break up.
Please give me advice...I'm so lost.

[pegasus]

I've never ever read a post that ever said that this type of relationship works for anyone and certainly not long term. It's not going to work because of the emotions involved between three people and with such intimacy. Sex should be about real love and commitment. Please, for your own mental health get out of this triangle, it's not doing you any good.

Poly relationships can absolutely work, sex does not have to be about real love and commitment and regardless, there can be love and commitment between 3 people if everyone respects the other. However, it doesn't sound like you are being respected, and your established rules are being broken. You will have to consider what is best for you personally.

There are well-meaning posters who will say that a relationship can only work between 2 people, these people have been taught certain things and have certain beliefs. Take what they say with a grain of salt.

[amandalouise]

let me get this straight. because you cant have sex they are supposed to not have sex... no offense here but theres a thing where a person cant control how another person is feeling. if two people in a relationship are feeling the need or want for sex they feel it. it would be like saying my wife could not take care of her own sexual needs because I had no sexual feelings/ urges at the same time as she did.

human beings bodies dont work on a thing where people only feel the urge for sex when everyone else does, if it worked that way then everyone in the whole world would procreate/ have sex at exactly the same moment.

my point is yes you may be in a threesome relationship but your feeling depressed and not sexual doesnt prevent their bodies from feeling and needing sex. it just says your body doesnt feel that way...

maybe they were including you by having sex in the same bed that you were in at that moment and leaving it up to you whether you wanted to participate or not.

kind of like my wife and I when one isnt feeling sexual we help the other by being there in spirit and mind when our bodies dont match up. I dont hold it against my wife for doing what needs to be done for herself when I dont feel like participating, I enjoy the fact that we know how to honor our bodies while at the same time honoring each others biological feelings dont quite match up. I respect her wish to be sexual when her body is sexual and respect her wish when she doesnt want or need sexual gratification/ satisfaction and she has the same love and respect for me.

my suggestion is maybe you can leave the room, when you are not feeling sexual you can if you dont want to be part of being there in spirit and mind when your body cant do the work, polyfidelity doesnt mean everyone in the relationship can only have sex when all are feeling sexual, it just means that those in the relationship only have sex with each other not people outside the relationship, bottom line is you cant control their physical bodies no more than they can control your having depression, its not like they have asked another person to take your place. they just had sex in the same bed you were in so that if you chose to, you could participate. you could have left the room.

maybe you can all sit down and talk about how their idea of a polyfidelity relationship is apparently different than yours. and what you all want to do.

[Crazy Hitch]

scaredandconfused can you please clarify exactly what it is that you mean when you said:

"sex doe snot have to be about real love and commitment"

Thank you

[divine1966]

I am not familiar with rules of poly relationships, but it sounds as these two don’t respect your feelings. If you can’t share your stress or depression with them, and they refuse to even listen, then this will not work long run. Give it a thought if that’s what you want: lack of consideration in relationship

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

scaredandconfused can you please clarify exactly what it is that you mean when you said:

"sex doe snot have to be about real love and commitment"

Thank you

I can’t speak for her but I think she meant people could have sex without commitment and love.

[seesaw]

I second what Divine said. You have set boundaries for this relationship and they broke them. I would reconsider if you want to be in a relationship with two people who do not respect your boundaries or care enough to comfort you when you are feeling poorly.

Part of any relationship is dealing with one person feeling sexually aroused and the other not being in the mood. They left you out, which is against the rules, which in a way, sounds like cheating to me.

I'm not sure what your next move should be. If this continues, it would be advisable to leave the relationship, since they are cheating on you and not meeting your needs.

And yes, sometimes sex is just sex. It's not always about love and commitment. But in your relationship you have boundaries that you have all agreed to and they disregarded those boundaries. You have to decide how you will handle this breach of trust and respect.

Seesaw

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by pegasus

I've never ever read a post that ever said that this type of relationship works for anyone and certainly not long term. It's not going to work because of the emotions involved between three people and with such intimacy. Sex should be about real love and commitment. Please, for your own mental health get out of this triangle, it's not doing you any good.

Well who says sex “should” be about real love? People could have casual sex if that’s what they agree upon. But it’s not going to work if one person wants deep meaningful connection while the other (or others) just want to screw.

[seesaw]

I think it's important for us to respond to the OP's post and not judge her relationship.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Poly relationships can absolutely work, sex does not have to be about real love and commitment and regardless, there can be love and commitment between 3 people if everyone respects the other.

Yes I have been in such a relationship and this can work, there is nothing inherently better or worse about polyamorous relationships although they can get complex - trust, boundaries and working at these things are necessities, as in all relationships.

[Crazy Hitch]

I can definitely see how some could use the term judgement used - in terms of how PC members choose to respond to this post.

Fair enough.

I see it as PC members offering advice from a different perspective, which is exactly what the OP is requesting in this post.

Something like sex for some of us can mean very different things; as we all come from different walks of life and have vastly different experiences (some not so pleasant at all). So our interpretations and advice on a polygamous relationship is a little different to others.

RubySaffire I totally relate to sex drive and depression. It's awful. And not getting support from significant others is devastating to say the least.

Are you in counselling at all for your depression? I find counselling somewhat helps, but it has to be long term counselling for me in order to make a difference.

Sharing things in common with our significant others is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship. Some people just don't respond well at all when we go through a depressive stage - either due to a lack of education as to what this involves or perhaps through empathy. I'm not sure. I think that my ex husband was in complete denial that my depression existed, and in fact went so far as to tell me I shouldn't be on meds and I should just "think" my way out of it.

[RubySapphire]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I can definitely see how some could use the term judgement used - in terms of how PC members choose to respond to this post.

Fair enough.

I see it as PC members offering advice from a different perspective, which is exactly what the OP is requesting in this post.

Something like sex for some of us can mean very different things; as we all come from different walks of life and have vastly different experiences (some not so pleasant at all). So our interpretations and advice on a polygamous relationship is a little different to others.

RubySaffire I totally relate to sex drive and depression. It's awful. And not getting support from significant others is devastating to say the least.

Are you in counselling at all for your depression? I find counselling somewhat helps, but it has to be long term counselling for me in order to make a difference.

Sharing things in common with our significant others is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship. Some people just don't respond well at all when we go through a depressive stage - either due to a lack of education as to what this involves or perhaps through empathy. I'm not sure. I think that my ex husband was in complete denial that my depression existed, and in fact went so far as to tell me I shouldn't be on meds and I should just "think" my way out of it.

I have been in counselling for two years now for my depression, my main issues are mainly to do with my girlfriend who is emotionally unavailable.
Unfortunately I received a diagnosis recently of borderline personality disorder, so things have been much harder for me.

Thank you all for your advice I very much appreciate it, I tried speaking to them both yesterday however my girlfriend was unwilling to compromise and give me the support I needed, saying she was sorry she couldn't 'baby' me anymore.

I feel empty to say the least, this was my first relationship and its going to be hard now that I have broken things off with both of them.
My girlfriend is/was like a drug and I know its crazy but I'd still want to go back to her even though I know its the wrong choice for me.

[TheDragon]

Originally Posted by Carmina

Yes I have been in such a relationship and this can work, there is nothing inherently better or worse about polyamorous relationships although they can get complex - trust, boundaries and working at these things are necessities, as in all relationships.

Thank you for this. I think there's a lot of stigma and bias as well as misunderstandings about polyamorous relationships.

Speaking from experience, I absolutely agree that what makes a poly relationship work, regardless of the kind, is no different than a monogamous relationship. Poly relationships, like ANY relationship, works when there's open and honest communication and the ability for all parties to engage in frank conversation as necessary. Respect and caring are musts and too much selfishness will not work in the long term.

[TheDragon]

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

I have been in a polyfidelity relationship for 4 months, with my long-term girlfriend and recent boyfriend.
Last night we all had a deep chat about depression and such.
I have been struggling with it for many weeks now, I told them I could barely find a reason to keep living and to get out of bed.
However all they seemed to care about was sex - naturally my sex drive was dead.
There are rules in our relationship that no one can be left out of such activities, and they did just that, right next to me after I had told them I was depressed.
After I was clearly mad, my girlfriend stormed out as she always did in these situations, she always tries to play the victim.

I feel they're not taking my depression seriously...or respecting my feelings, its been like this for a long time. Everytime I speak of an issue, she plays the victim.
I feel for my own good I should break it off, but I have so much in common with them that I'm afraid what I'll do if I break up.
Please give me advice...I'm so lost.

Hi Ruby, I'm sorry you're struggling.

Having read your other post as well, I think that you should reconsider your well being in your current relationship. As with any relationship, when you are constantly fighting and being neglected, it is unhealthy and damaging and it only tends to get worse in the future. It is especially so when it sounds like everyone involved has a lot to work through themselves. It's hard to be in a relationship when you're a mess.

I understand that wanting to break away from a relationship is always hard under any circumstance, due to the doubts and the fear of the potential void that one may feel. I also know that in the case of a poly relationship, there's a certain worry you'll never find another one like it, due to the stigma and rarity of poly relationships.

With that in mind, you have to take your own well being into consideration. If the relationship is constantly draining you and giving you little, while you're pouring so much into it, how much will you have to offer the relationship in the end? Are the bits of comfort you get from your current relationship worth everything you go through? And if you're able to go your own way, will you be able to further grow and learn in a way that you're not able to?

Good luck and all the best.