Single again.... maybe for the rest of my life

Well, male narcissists tend to be picky about their appearance which is what the past BF was showing her when he spent such a long time staring at himself in the mirror. I would also think they tend to stand out more to her when she is looking at pics on dating sites too.

Of course I’m not suggesting Eve not post. I’m married, so I’m not even comparing myself, yet TBE I feel a little envious how Eve is getting dates with such abundance and ease. So I’m thinking there must be a lot of people, seeing as there are so many readers of Eve’s threads, who feel envious.

I guess my point is to acknowledge the other side of the coin of people who can’t get dates, and here Eve is very blessed to be getting so many. Also, to say beware who may be getting triggered by the discussion of all these suitors. That’s my paranoia talking, especially since the thread about who is lurking here and using these posts for whatever purpose.

I agree that marriage is (or at least should be) more than sharing space. Well any cohabitating relationship involves sharing space. With or without legal marriage. Trick is to find partner with him sharing space is comfortable and worth it for both.

It's FREEDOM. ABSOLUTE FREEDOM

.....
and I have to say, the way the veil of "the perfect relationship" was pulled out from over my eyes, and I realized that I can live my life however I choose, I didn't need to pine, wish, desperately grasp for something..
, and I really don't care. I am blessed with the love I have ..., and my family, and all my friends.

(By the way, Valentines' Day should really be everyday anyway, not just reserved for one day. Love the one you're with like every day is Valentine's Day!!).

Perhaps it may be helpful to think about what you were exposed to growing up that may be contributing to the things that tend to attract you that are actually not healthy for you to be attracted to. Also, situations where you feel like you are going to face being cut out or disrespected because you are not good enough. Even why you have a hard time walking away from someone who can't be faithful where that person is capable of actually respecting "you" instead of only seeing "you" as a presence in their world that constantly revolves around "them".

When a child grows up in a home where the father is a narcissist, the world they grow up in tends to revolve around what needs to happen to make dad happy. The dad is pretty much the center of all the "drama" or is the main character that the family story revolves around. So, let's think about that word "character". Well, that word "character" is something a lot of young female children are encouraged to think about as a man that will come along and notice them and fall in love with them and take care of them the rest of their lives. What can happen with that is how a little female child can unknowingly genuinely believe that "someday" my prince will come. My prince will have "character" and he will be "handsome" and think I am beautiful and take me away to live in HIS world with HIM, in his castle and I will be his one true love and he will be mine.

This early programming along with having a narcissistic father where the family drama revolves around "him" and his needs is what contributes to being susceptible to falling for male narcissists. And often young girls make this their main drive and these girls tend to fall into a certain loop searching for this "prince" instead of engaging in hobbies and interest groups where these girls are exploring other things to be passionate about for "themselves". This was something they also learned growing up where the narcissistic father was the "center" of the world and often without realizing it the young girl isn't really nurtured to feel her own identity and personal independence is "safe and rewarding and fullfilling". This is what goes into the "Lady in Waiting" that tends to continue to be attracted to the kind of man that ends up being yet another disappointment because they can only appreciate others that can be a part of how they need all the drama to revolve around THEM. Yes, these individuals can be very charismatic, have a lot of character and often stand out, but, it's important to understand the red flags where these individuals tend to have so much revolve around THEM. Also, to recognize how you may not see these red flags or can even accept them simply because these are "familiar" characteristics you got used to experiencing in dear old dad.

Of course it's more than shared space. My disillusion is that if all those things cannot involve shared space is it really worth being down on oneself for? The OP was in a dark spot when I was reflecting on her plight. I have been married and divorced and have cohabitated before as well. The space part is a biggie for me regardless of all else.

Well this thread was initially mainly about feeling like I am going to be single all of my life... which has now evolved into conversations about being OK with being single, and of course, around the upcoming Valentine's Day. I am personally trying not to date right now.

It would be so nice to have someone to hold on Valentines day even if I don't do relationships really I do get lonely.

I'm such a damned romantic, I love love from a certain distance, I just get burned when I get too close to the flame.

I try to be single, then I always meet someone... this does NOT mean I have to automatically get involved though. I want to take things slowly. I want to develop more of a friendship with him. I want to understand his character. I want to see who he is first. He's told me a lot about himself, but it's always been where it's really loud and I cannot hear him clearly. Dinner will be a nice opportunity for something more quiet. I told him this is just as friends.

What does it mean for you to be single?

How can a person try to be single?

I mean people either are single or not single. What I am saying is that as long as you are not married or in a committed LTR, you are single. When you are dating you are single. Do you feel 'not single' when you are dating?

Their's the old adage about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I look at this paragraph and wonder if there's an intervention and accountability to not go down the same paths as all the ones before but do something different.

What does being single mean to you?

When I date, I usually date just one person at a time, which usually turns into a relationship quickly. I cannot casually "date" and date multiple people. I don't know how to play the field. I've never been good at it.

Being single means not dating to me. That's what it means. Choosing not to date at all.

But then I meet someone who is interested, and before I know it, I am too and then we get involved. This has happened a lot.

I just have to be careful about diving into something feet first and to be careful around new men I meet. Like this new male friend of mine.

I am working with my therapist on how to change my patterns with men.

I'm wondering if putting dating into the category of 'not single', like marriage may be part of the issue. It's a blurring of the boundaries. I don't know if I can get my point across well. Once you start dating someone you are 'not single' and therefore in the same category as marriage. What if there was a separate category for dating.

I didn’t mean anything negative about you, Eve, or any women in general with my prior observation.

There is something gnawing at me, and I’d just like to point it out. I don’t know if it will help you. I am intending it as constructive criticism. Remember, this is a psych site, and most here, including me, have issues. So take it as you will.

The post is about being single, maybe for life (very dramatic). In this time, as I know you, you have gone from one to another immediately, three men now.

This new guy asked you out. You went “as friends”. What does that mean? I assume that means you each paid for yourselves and there was no touching. However, on the first date, he held your hand because your hands were cold. How did he know your hands were cold? I assume because you told him they felt cold from holding your drink. Therefore, you prompted him to hold your hand...touching.

Now he asked you out for a Valentine’s date. You accepted “as friends”. Again, what does that mean?

From woman to woman, I guess my point is to say to you, I have been working myself over, telling myself this and that, only confusing my whole situation, and making myself and my h miserable. When all that was so unnecessary. If I can just shut up and go along, I can live a happily married life.

I see how you are in essence doing yourself the same disservice. We mess with our own heads, telling ourselves all these things about how we can be happy single when you know damn well you won’t be single for one cotton pickin’ minute. So let’s just be honest with ourselves.

And I am not generalizing about any other women. Some stay single and love it, some hate it, some stay involved and hate it or love it. Some flip flop like I do by the second because I probably have a PD.

Anyway, I hope you have a nice date. Yes, learn about him and see if he is marriage material. By all means, DO NOT actually say you are looking for marriage material to him. Do not use the M word. That will scare him off.

I have lived with my h and had to share everything including intimacy to the most soul baring degree. It is very difficult for me sometimes and i get panic attacks because I am not totally well and he is no prize in dealing with me.

Life is just trying to be the best you can every day and trying to enjoy the beauty around you.

I love how we can communicate here, something magical to me, that would not have been possible without this site. Hugs to all. T