Single again.... maybe for the rest of my life

I think it’s because it is then that you are strong and sure in yourself. You don’t need the partner/romantic relationship, you’re not dependent on it, which automatically puts you in a better position. People see those who don’t need them as more desirable. I’ve seen it many times but it took me a long time to figure out how to get there myself. By saying I’d be okay with being by myself, it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have liked a partner - it means that I was okay without one, with just myself. It’s attractive to others because they know you can take care of yourself and that you will be okay with or without them, not dependent on them.

I feel the “when you stop looking” refers to all of that. The self-possession, self-containment, “closed system”, etc. It doesn’t mean to stop putting forth all effort or seeking opportunities, just that it’s not the end-all, be-all. That you’re not so invested in it or the outcome of it, you know?

TY!! This is very helpful!!

I have been needy for love in the past. That has attracted ALL the wrong partners. I want to be the opposite now. Maybe, and I think this is it.. this is the KEY to finding healthy love...... to be comfortable in your own skin, to feel OK alone and not dependent on another for happiness or fulfillment.... and to feel like you don't NEED a relationship..... Of course, I advise ppl of this in my own blog, but have I always followed this principle? NO. Now it's time to follow my own guidance!!!

I am really weirded out....

I mentioned before that I met someone new, the moment I decided to be single. SO WEIRD. We went out last night as friends. Nothing happened, but we did have fun. I am making sure that nothing happens, but I know he is interested in me. He did try to hold my hand because my hand was freezing from holding my beer.

Just having someone who is interested gives me some hope for a brighter future. Of course though, in my head I'm thinking is this guy marriage material?

This has been the most inspiring thing I have seen you write in quite some time. (I mean all your posts are equally awesome, but this one stands out to me more for some reason). Anyway, you are well on your way. Putting out that needy vibe, and reeking of desperation is a magnet for the users, abusers and just guys that KNOW you NEED them so badly, that they can treat you however they please and you'll totally put up with it because of how bad you need to be loved. That scenario, has been my past dating life of 20 years! Talk about an endless circle of pain and nonsense!

As far as this new guy goes, (and I am sure other people will provide input too), but all I am going to say, is pull the brakes. Marriage at this stage, is what starts the spinning that goes through our heads when we get the slightest recognition of affection, or when we build the whole fantasy because, we think, "oh wow, I wasn't looking, is it fate, is he the "one?"

As nice as that is, (and hey he might be), but don't start that this early. That hamster wheel in your head is going to start spinning like a thousand miles an hour. Forward Eve! Not backward! Always Forward!

Still though, you had a great time, and you do like him, and he seems to like you too. So enjoy that.

Rooting for you as always!!

I am so glad to see you coming from such a place of clarity and strength, I am SO proud of you, for understanding where you came from, to knowing where you want to go. I KNOW you understand that circle of pain, because I have seen it in your words, and we don't want you back in that mess again, NO WAY!!!

Oh, trust me, I know you want a marriage partner in the long run, I mean all of us do, (even me believe it or not, although I have no intention or plans of changing my situation anytime soon), but I just don't want that thought to weigh heavy on your mind, because in a way, it's some kind of expectation. I am not trying to come down on you for wishing for that, but one of the lessons I learned through all that dating nonsense, is how MUCH expectation I put on whatever idiot I was dating at the time. (Not saying your guy is an idiot in any way, but most of the ones I dated were...well..let's not go there, I will get myself all riled up!)

But all I am saying is keep it as light as you can, and let it develop naturally, and lovingly. You may be surprised what will come out of a relationship that doesn't have the weight of the world coming down on it, especially from your own head.

Either way, ROCK ON!

TY!!!! Your posts are always so encouraging!! I really appreciate you!

And YES... in no NO WAY do I wish to return to that cycle of madness and pain! You're right! It's been a mess! Disastrous!!! I've been through SO many crappy relationships.....

And YES to your statements about expectations. It's so funny that my brain automatically goes there..... I know I need to slow down, live in the moment, and just enjoy someones' presence in my life without thinking this way about a potential marriage. I fantasize all the time in this way with men and put the cart far before the horse! So silly!!

I will slow down and will just get to know this guy better as a friend. I am glad to have a new friend.

Good luck but just be careful.

Do not make yourself available 24/7 for a new guy. Don’t put your life on hold in pursuing a new man that soon. If you want to date that soon it’s ok, no rules that you should not, but limit it to once a week or so, don’t make him a priority.

I know you are saying you know you need to stand on your own two feet but you don’t yet. So make that a priority. Be independent first and do give yourself time to process what happened before you are ona new adventure.

Be careful focusing on mundane things like he wanted to hold your hand or he will be your Valentine date so you aren’t alone or other unimportant things

If you truly want to get to know him on a deeper level, refrain from being intoxicated on dates like with the other guy. I know you just want to have fun now but you said the same aboit other guy. You wanted casual fun with concerts, dancing and drinking but it all ended in disaster and your unnecessary suffering (to extreme level of not wanting to live). Don’t go through the motions again please. Please be mindful.

Think about this attraction. This is third man you are attracted to since the Fall. Do give it a lot of thought. Why are you getting attracted to them all? Why so fast? You were just crying about the other one like few days ago but you are already attracted to the other one? What are you attracted to? Looks? Romantic gestures? Them love bombing you right away? (This one wants to hold your hand, the other one wanted to go on trips, it’s a first date or not even a date yet). Why are you attracted to them all and then loving them all (at least last two but likely more) without knowing them on any meaningful level? You didn’t even know what the other guy was up to when you weren’t around but you already loved him! Not really knowing him. You need to look into it before you jump in. Do talk to your therapist about everything including dating a new guy.

Any news on your move?

Just to add I don’t think it’s wrong to ask yourself if a man is marriage material early on. Yes as early as the first date. If you want to be married.

Last two men weren’t marriage or even relationship material and it all ended with heartbreak for golden. It could all be avoided if exploration of who these men are on a deeper level and if they are commitment material was done first, before jumping into it. So yes first date isn’t too early at all. The least thing golden needs is a third heartbreak in jusf few months time. Don’t date men who aren’t marriage material if you want to marry.

I don’t think the issue is asking if he is marriage material. The issue in the past relationships was NOT asking.

Thanks Divine.

No news on my move yet...

I am not dating this new guy. I will not make him a priority. He is just a new friend.

We've been talking a lot and about our lives and personal issues and past. I've gotten to know him quite a bit over the last week. He is simply a new friend to get to know. I am not going to fall in love right now. I want to be single. I've told him this. He knows this, but I sense he wants more, hence holding my hand last. night. I will keep the boundaries clear.

I am definitely not jumping into another relationship right now.

All I was saying is that I looked at him and did feel attracted to him, but I am holding back. He is a nice person, and that is a breath of fresh air for me!

Don't worry, I am going to follow through on my goals and on what I say I am going to do.

YES, agreed on all points. Last thing I need is yet another heartbreak. And yes, I did not ask myself the most important question before diving in before.

My ex fiance I really thought was a good man before I committed to him. He faked me out. He put on a facade of niceness. He did love bomb me. I saw warning signs and dismissed them because it just felt so good in the beginning.

With the last guy, I was just having too much fun in the beginning, and that's all I was looking for at first. Then I discovered who he really is, which does not bode well for marriage or even a serious relationship.

And yes, I will always be thinking of "is this guy marriage material?" when I first meet them because that is what I want ultimately. Every guy and new friendship I make could have that potential to blossom into something. I am open to that, but I want to be smart and just have friendships right now. That's all. No kissing while out drinking, no spending the night, no hooking up. I want to be fully single...... and I want to enjoy that feeling of empowerment.

I want to feel what Bridget Fonda felt in that movie, Singles. My favorite line in that whole movie is when she says "there is a certain dignity to being single".

That's how I want to feel. I need to feel empowered right now to make decisions and choices that will benefit and serve me well, rather than bad decisions regarding bad men who shouldn't be in my life to begin with. Character. Now I want only ppl in my life with strong character. This new guy seems to have that.

Perhaps it may be helpful to think about what you were exposed to growing up that may be contributing to the things that tend to attract you that are actually not healthy for you to be attracted to. Also, situations where you feel like you are going to face being cut out or disrespected because you are not good enough. Even why you have a hard time walking away from someone who can't be faithful where that person is capable of actually respecting "you" instead of only seeing "you" as a presence in their world that constantly revolves around "them".

When a child grows up in a home where the father is a narcissist, the world they grow up in tends to revolve around what needs to happen to make dad happy. The dad is pretty much the center of all the "drama" or is the main character that the family story revolves around. So, let's think about that word "character". Well, that word "character" is something a lot of young female children are encouraged to think about as a man that will come along and notice them and fall in love with them and take care of them the rest of their lives. What can happen with that is how a little female child can unknowingly genuinely believe that "someday" my prince will come. My prince will have "character" and he will be "handsome" and think I am beautiful and take me away to live in HIS world with HIM, in his castle and I will be his one true love and he will be mine.

This early programming along with having a narcissistic father where the family drama revolves around "him" and his needs is what contributes to being susceptible to falling for male narcissists. And often young girls make this their main drive and these girls tend to fall into a certain loop searching for this "prince" instead of engaging in hobbies and interest groups where these girls are exploring other things to be passionate about for "themselves". This was something they also learned growing up where the narcissistic father was the "center" of the world and often without realizing it the young girl isn't really nurtured to feel her own identity and personal independence is "safe and rewarding and fullfilling". This is what goes into the "Lady in Waiting" that tends to continue to be attracted to the kind of man that ends up being yet another disappointment because they can only appreciate others that can be a part of how they need all the drama to revolve around THEM. Yes, these individuals can be very charismatic, have a lot of character and often stand out, but, it's important to understand the red flags where these individuals tend to have so much revolve around THEM. Also, to recognize how you may not see these red flags or can even accept them simply because these are "familiar" characteristics you got used to experiencing in dear old dad.

Just an observation— I’ll bet there are people reading your threads who can’t get dates at all, and here you have a suitor at every turn. I wonder if people reading are very triggered by your threads.

I don’t see how posting about going on dates is triggering. By this logic we can’t post about our kids because it might be triggering to those who have no kids. Anything can be triggering then. Should we not post what matters to us? People could skip threads that are triggering

It’s very difficult to find right match and life partner but generally get a casual date isn’t that hard. You were out of dating scenes for long time as you’ve been married for a long time but get a casual date with no expectations or commitment is not a big deal.

None of these are men are “suitors”. So far they are either wanted someone to support them or wanted casual sex with no exclusivity. It’s not like these men are upstanding citizens and potential husbands lined up with proposals while other women can’t get that.

After reading open eyes post I thought a bit more about “attraction”. If you are repeatedly intensely attracted to wrong men (especially if men's Physical appearance means a lot to you), feeling attraction to yet another one doesn’t mean much. in fact it could be a red flag. It certainly isn’t something to base anything on

I don't get dates and it doesn't bother me at all that Golden posts this. Our lives are very different and we live in different cities. There are more eligible men where she lives, and fewer where I live. We also have different lifestyles. You can't compare yourself to someone else; there are just too many factors.

And even if someone did get triggered, should she not post about her issues because they bother someone else?

What was the point of making this observation?

Of course I’m not suggesting Eve not post. I’m married, so I’m not even comparing myself, yet TBE I feel a little envious how Eve is getting dates with such abundance and ease. So I’m thinking there must be a lot of people, seeing as there are so many readers of Eve’s threads, who feel envious.

I guess my point is to acknowledge the other side of the coin of people who can’t get dates, and here Eve is very blessed to be getting so many. Also, to say beware who may be getting triggered by the discussion of all these suitors. That’s my paranoia talking, especially since the thread about who is lurking here and using these posts for whatever purpose.

Honestly she’s been suffering with getting on with completely wrong men and ending heartbroken every time, saying that her pain over past months is something to envy just because she gets to go on a date makes no sense. You kind of making it sound that all women want is to get a date, any date. Regardless what they are looking for. Some women have very strict selective criteria who they go on a date with so clearly they will never get as many dates and some are more flexible. Just getting a date doesn’t mean anything.

Geographical area does make a difference. I live in a hustling bustling metro area full of available people. My now husband lived literally in the middle of no where when we’ve met and there was literally like no one. He thought he’d never get a date. Life styles make a huge difference too. As well as specific preferences. Even online dating. More limiting criteria you put (Education, profession, kids etc), less dating pool you get. It doesn’t mean you are in dusadvantage, just that you will have fewer potential dates to choose from.

Yeah, I feel like this is a "be grateful it isn't worse for you" or "just be glad you aren't homeless' comparison that is not only unhelpful but invalidating of someone's pain.

If someone is envious that's there issue. It shouldn't be used to negate Eve's pain by saying, "well, you know, some people would love to have all the dates you've been getting," like she should be grateful to have the pain that she has.

Maybe you didn't realize that this kind of statement can be invalidating. But it is.

Well, male narcissists tend to be picky about their appearance which is what the past BF was showing her when he spent such a long time staring at himself in the mirror. I would also think they tend to stand out more to her when she is looking at pics on dating sites too.

Quantity doesn’t grow into quality. If someone is envious over quantity of dates with wrong men, they might need to work on it with their therapist. It’s not OP’s issue that people are envious over something. Especially somethung that doesn’t really have special meaning.

Your post could be potentially triggering too.

It makes other forum members (especially women) look like all they care aboit it is to get a man, any man, and they are envious of others getting dates, even if those dates are with very undesirable partners. It’s degrading. I’d think you have higher opinion of other women.

Open Eyes, Yes... I have another thread in the abuse forum all about attracting the wrong men, narcs included. Yes, my dad was/is rather narcissistic and overly critical of me to the point of practically being emotionally abusive.

I am trying to break my patterns with wrong male types. I am working with my therapist on just this issue.

Tisha, this is an odd post, and I am not sure what to make of it. It's off topic, first of all, and it really does not help me in my plight.

As others have pointed out, just because I get dates doesn't mean they are quality dates or quality men. What's there to be envious of?? Nothing in my opinion.

And I cannot post with reservation worrying about whether someone will be triggered by the fact that I am dating. If you've read my threads, you would know that I've had a LOT of man trouble, a LOT of pain over bad relationships, and a LOT of unnecessary heartache, all of my own doing. I have made some bad decisions.... I am trying to change this.

This thread is more so about being alone/single and being OK with that.

Also, this last guy is not even a date. He's just interested in me. I think this one is a quality person, as far as I know so far at least. People should be happy to hear that I may have attracted the RIGHT kind of person for once.