Single again.... maybe for the rest of my life

Here's my take on Valentine's Day. I have TWO men in my life who I love more than anything in the world. One is my best friend, and the other is my sort-of boyfriend, (who is part of my Star Trek group that I have made wonderful bonds with) and that I have flirty fun with, (I refuse to slap a label on this one), and I sent them both cards and the SAME kind of present for Valentine's Day, (they both have beards so I sent them both beard kits to beautify it), and it made me happy to send them.

Here's the kicker, even though I have access to both men, (they both live in the same state as me), I have NO INTENTION of having a romantic Valentine's Day with either one of them. My limit is probably a nice phone call for the each of them. It's not that I am greedy or ungrateful, or that I don't care for either one, its that something clicked in my head about what it is that I have been looking for in a relationship.

It's FREEDOM. ABSOLUTE FREEDOM to love whoever, how many I want to, and not have any chains tied to me. Chains like marriage, living with someone, or even the obligations of dates. And I am talking about cheating on anyone either, both the men in my life are fully aware of each other. I fully understand that those kinds of things may be good for some people, but not for me.

I guess what I am saying is, I have been where Eve is, and where a lot of women are coming from, and I have to say, the way the veil of "the perfect relationship" was pulled out from over my eyes, and I realized that I can live my life however I choose, I didn't need to pine, wish, desperately grasp for something that was proabably not meant for me anyway, and I really don't care. I am blessed with the love I have from these men, and my family, and all my friends.

My solution? Getting all dolled up and heading to my favorite local restaurant, ordering a glass of wine, and eating a nice meal, ALL BY MYSELF, this Valentine's Day. And if people look and stare? All they will see is a confident woman, who is loving who she is and enjoying life on her terms.

(By the way, Valentines' Day should really be everyday anyway, not just reserved for one day. Love the one you're with like every day is Valentine's Day!!).

I don't know if I would want to do that since I don't want to date right now or meet anyone to date.

Yes, I think it's implied that we don't know how to find love whatsoever! It's crazy!!

I think you could be disillusioned... marriage to me is so much more than shared space.... partnership and companionship for one.

Doesn’t need to be in order to meet someone. It could be hanging out with other single people in order to have fun if you don’t have a partner. Going to outings with other singles doesn’t equate looking for a date

Thanks... I don't know. I think I'll just go hear my favorite band with some friends that night. That should do the trick and make me forget that it's valentines day. You all have convinced me that it's just another day and not that big a deal.

I'll be honest about Valentine's day, I haven't viewed it quite the same since researching origins. I wear black now and claim religious observance. From Christmas to New Years to my son's birthday to my birthday and 2 weeks later...this typically snow filled day where dressing up is a long shot-who wants to wear heels in snow and ice? I do give little giftbags to my sons.

I suspect as far as the book, isn't it funny how it's implied that we aren't good enough, as women? As though there's some flaw because we haven't landed a catch? No wonder that it's both laughable and frustrating.

I just started to listen to the above video. Perhaps some words of wisdom? Or just another disappointed heart? It's 38 minutes long

Marriage involves sharing space and responsibility for maintaining space. I might just be disillusioned?? Is your worth truly contingent on shared space?

Wait, what's wrong with working from home? I work from home and it's a very serious day of work. I have recognized that I need to get out and socialize though so I joined a meet up group so I can go to happy hour and be around people. I also go to client meetings and networking events. So if your point is just socializing, I get that...but my business is home-based, and it's very serious, so I don't know why working from home should matter.

Seesaw

Well, I say kudos to you for both!!! I can't date more than one man easily and I couldn't go out for a Valentines meal by myself. That's very brave! I can't do that. Nor would I want to. But kudos to you and enjoy!!!

I’ll have a date with my couch in my robe catching up on tv shows. That’s the best. Hahaha you can’t pay me to go out that day. Wednesdays are my long days with extra work obligation. Leave my house at 6am drive an hour work till 6pm then drive an hour home, come home 7pm. That’s if no snow that day. And my husband leaves at 6:30 pm that night to go to his night shift. I won’t even see him that day. Granted we are doing something fun this Sunday but it’s because we both have a day off, not because of valentine shmalentine ha ha

Well, here I am, single again and it's depressing the heck out of me.

I like partnership. I prefer partnership. I have always gravitated towards relationships.... I have been single for months at a time in my life and have taken breaks before, but this time, I feel it may be permanent.

I have patterns and have always landed myself into unhealthy relationships.

I am losing hope that I will ever be healthy enough myself to avoid these kinds of relationships. I feel I will always be alone. I fear I will always be alone.

I also feel that there are no good men out there who are single and healthy minded enough who also happen to be highly compatible with me. What are the odds? Slim to none. I've dated plenty.

I don't know how I am going to exist if I have to be single for the rest of my life. I have friends. I have a social life and I go out often. But this reality is seriously depressing me.

Single women are supposedly some of the happiest people alive, but for me, I cannot imagine being happy for the rest of my life if I have to be single.

I am losing hope. I'm 47 and feel that nothing will change.

Please help.. even if it's just a story of inspiration, I need to hear it. Especially from those who can relate to where I am at.... thank you so much.

Are there even any single’s bars any more? They used to have Valentine’s Day events for singles.[/QUOT

I just looked and counted 8 Valentine’s Day events in my area, hosted by meetups. So one can go out if they want to. Not all events are on that day though. Most are on the weekend after. I don’t know too many people who have the kind of job that leaves much energy to go out during the week. But plenty events on the weekend

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner. At the moment I am happily single. I would like to have relationship but not looking for one. Isn't that when they say that the guy/girl shows up? I just recently recovered from my last relationship that ended 2 1/2 years ago.
Darn those Valentine's Day cupcakes at Walmart! They call my name

Thank you so very much for saying this. I disagree with "it will happen when you least expect it, or when you stop looking" because it is NOT true.
I have been completely single for more than 10 years. I never look nor I expect to find him.
Every single person I know has found her/his partner because she/he was actively looking for a partner on few different online platforms, going out to bars, attending meet up groups, arranging through friends etc. So, yeah you got to actively put yourself out there. I wish my life were at a point which enabled an environment to be concerned about finding a partner but unfortunately I have so many other severe issues to deal with.

And miss op, after being alone a lot, it really isn't an indication of how it will be forever, is it?
It's just whats happening right now. I chose to be alone a lot of times because I wanted to. Now, I'm feeling ready, and it sounds like you are too.
I'm sure there is something right for us out there, somewhere, just time and patience.

I re-read my post and damn I must have sounded like such a narcassistic asshole myself, and here you are trying to avoid that!! I don't know, I am just really in a good place, (despite the constant reminder of bipolar knocking on my brain), and it really took A LOT to get to this place. I know where you are, and what you're going through, I mean I can literally see myself in every one of your posts. Just the circular pattern that has haunted both of us for so many years. All I can say is that if there is hope for me, (coming a place of desperation, alcohol dependancy and total low-self esteem), there is hope for you too.

Like I said I am always rooting for you, and I will continue to be your cheerleader!


Honestly, the only reason I am even going out on Valentine's Day is because I have a reassessment appointment with my psychiatrist. The irony is, if I were to be re-evaluated on my mental health on Valentine's Day years ago, GOD, the outcome would have been, pills, pills, pills, hospitalization, and "let's get that girl some help!" It's amazing how far you can come, on a journey even when it was littered with painful moments.

So, I am going to make a day of it, and treat myself. A night on the town, with confidence as my date, and yummy dinner for two (for one). Ha!

So I wish you the best with your couch and TV shows, if you can surf around all the lovey dovey nonsense, (although some of it isn't bad), and have an awesome Valentine's Day yourself! (Oh, an idea for a good show is Mad Men, it was one of the most incredible shows I have seen in a long time).

Wow,


I feel the same exact way you do. I've spoken to other people about this too, mostly women and they seem happy being by themselves. They act like I'm the one with the problem. I want a partner, what is so terrible about that? The people that want to be alone, more power to them, but that's not how I want to live. Everyone wants different things.


I'm 45, and I've been living alone since 2007. Sometimes I feel like if I will never be with anyone. I've had friends in the past, but that's just the thing "had", then they just don't want to deal with you anymore, well one friendship I ended it first then she agreed that it would be best to move on. Actually, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with her or her family anymore. The constant arguing when I went over there was too much between her brother, kids...

goldeneye..your spirits seemed to have lifted since the origination of your post..it looks good on you..keep growing and you are young..47 is not old...I'm 53 going thru a breakup..it is scary and dissappointing..but every break up at every age was like this...

I'm also told I have to love myself by therapist..I don't want to..I want someone to do that for me...But I do understand because the more I am alone with myself..the more I learn about myself...

I hope you someday look back and say...ah...I get why I had to wait...

I have posted on this before but I would like to reiterate what’s going on with me and how it may help you. I was abandoned by my whole family. No friends.
I had no one. I had to learn to live alone , by myself and with myself for the first time in 50 years. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I was at the edge of the cliff many times. Somehow I managed to survive. It was a time where I had only myself to deal with. But through finding out about mindfulness on you tube I began to just think in the moment. That’s what saved me.
Constantly thinking about the past and how I was hurt and lonely filled every moment of every day. Then the opportunity arised where I was able to get back what I lost. I ran back to the same people that abandoned me , because I felt so alone. Well things have not worked out so well since. I stopped working my mindfulness. I found out that while I was progressing they were the same.
Nobody has ever apologized for abandoning me and that’s eating at my heart.
I’m still depressed and still feel alone.
So what’s the moral of this whole story ?
Being “ alone” ain’t that bad. You have a chance to find out who you really are.
Because those distractions are not there. Also be careful what you wish for ,
you just might get it ! Best to you always