Moving Out?

I do believe you need to seek professional help. I know you said you did before but sometimes you need to try couple of meds abd couple of methods to find a solution. Continuing self diagnosing is not getting you no where.

I was diagnosed by 1 psychiatrist with PTSD, another psychiatrist with MDD, and another with Borderline traits, but I brought that up to him. All board certified psychiatrists. All differing diagnoses. Then a slew of others who diagnosed me with nothing.

Oh wait, then the other one who told me there was nothing wrong with me, I just can’t stand my h and should divorce him, but when I returned to her seven years later, she looked in her notes and told me she had written EDD!

Seriously, not making this shyt up!

I only self diagnosed OCD because I have always compulsively typed what people say, since I’m a kid, and I put 2 and 2 together. And I suspect I have ADHD, but haven’t self diagnosed that.

As for going back to yet another one, no way. Horrible, traumatic, unhelpful!

I guess this site hasn’t helped me much either, as the battle with h still rages on. But I have grown and shown myself that I can endure extreme pain. I am living. I am contributing something to society. I am enjoying knowing my kids. I do have many happy moments.

I am extremely frustrated and depressed from a never-ending horrible situation, but I am not sui.

And I want to thank you, Divine, I really appreciate the time you’ve taken helping me.

I personally see no need to endure pain if it could be avoided. But I don’t pretend to understand. Good luck with whatever you decide

My h finally agreed to get a mediator and end this torture. I’ll stay in the house with our son. He’ll go.

There was no good reason to endure pain and let it drive me nuts. Just low self esteem was the reason.

No one gets a badge for living through and enduring extreme pain. That is not what life is meant for.

Nah, he was just lying to shut me up for a few hours. Now he’s pleading with me to not do anything. He’s sleeping in the other room. I’m too emotionally exhausted. I had a really bad couple of days.

I think I’ll protect myself and my kids and just lay low. No sex with him. I don’t see a future with him now.

He lies to me to hold me off, did it twice this weekend. He pleads to give him another chance to change. We all know he cant. I can’t.

This must be coming to an end because I’m not going to have sex with him. He’ll soon lose interest in me and he’ll end it. Since I don’t have the guts to.

You need to work on your self-respect.

It sounds like your husband doesn't make love to you but just uses you to get himself off.

Kinda like your friend who isn't really a friend but just uses you when she is hungry for a sandwich and actually has no problem asking you to let her know if you leave your husband so she can have a stab at him.

Could it be that you don't really WANT to have a real relationship? And that is why you connect with people that can be distant and selfish? That that is how you actually have more control? And you just don't realize it?

That friend, C, texted me NINE more times that night after I asked her to stop texting me. When she got the message that I was never going to respond, she called and apologized (a first!). I said that she and I can still be friends, but my marriage is none of her affair and i won’t discuss it with her anymore.

Maybe the 98% telephone/2% IRL relationships aren’t real relationships? My family, and this friend fall into that category.

So the only IRL relationships are with my h and only 1 son now, because I see them every day.

The whole sexual struggle with h was about control. I needed what I needed to be able to feel sexual and satisfied. And that need was his attention and initiation. He just wouldn’t/couldn’t do that because it just wasn’t in his mind. He wanted it the way he wanted it, which was just not pleasing to me.

My God, I have been so miserable for 25 years. This was a prison sentence!

It was what Divine said about how shameful for me to be hanging on for money. My children will learn to make their own money if nothing should come to them.

My thinking that way was due to my father getting the shaft from his father, which led him to early death. But, I can let that go now.

He pleaded with me not to rush into divorce. We do have a few years left with our son in HS.

Right now, I have a house to have repaired, a big job to over see.

So we’re in separate bedrooms again. What hell.

There’s even more going on I can’t even mention here, which makes me now not even want a future with him.

If you can’t see a future, it’s really time to get out, I know. Thanks all.

I never said it’s shameful to stay for money. I said your friend us ridicolous telling you you have to stay for money and it’s a bad idea to be dependent on a man because then you lose your freedom to leave him. But I never said it’s shameful.

I guess that’s how I really feel about doing it. I told my h that one of the reasons I stay with him is because it is better for me and better for our children if I stay because of money. How did he react? He said “I give you credit for being that smart.”

It is not a prison sentence. You are free to leave anytime that you want to go. If you think it's a prison sentence, do you believe that you are getting what you deserve? Are the kids getting what they deserve?

Could it be that knowing your father was rejected by his father which as you share led to your father's early death, that you wanted something different. What you have is a man who won't or isn't rejecting you, he begs you to stay and he does provide for you "except" when it comes to sexually where he sounds like he is sexually selfish. Also, I am wondering if your H is like your father in that he might have low self esteem and gives in to you and deep down you know that if there is going to be any kind of breakup it will be "your" decision.

It just seems from what you share that you have relationships where "you" can disconnect and choose to distance in a knowing that the other person will still be around if you decide to engage them. Almost as though you like the loyalty, even if the other person is "selfish". I think a part of you actually likes to know this so called friend would like to have what you have too because in some way it helps you to see some "value" even if it's not completely filling "all" your needs.

How old were you when your father died?

I was 12.

No, I have no delusions that if I break up with my h that he will still be around and take me back. I know I can never go back.

My friend is just a messed up woman. As teens, she hit on my boyfriend, and he didn’t want her. Guys didn’t want her, weren’t attracted to her. I wouldn’t say I got any satisfaction in that. I feel sorry for her. It’s her own fault because she’s very overweight and she’s loud and obnoxious. She could have made herself more attractive, but she’s just larger than life.

I felt really good marrying my h. I thought we’d have a good life. It was exciting. I felt we were good together. We had potential.

Getting what I deserve? I did feel that I had ‘been around’ a lot more than he would have wanted for his wife. I didn’t tell him about my past intimate relationships until some time after we were married. I worry he was disappointed that I was a slut. He was way less experienced than me. I wonder if I was just too much for him to handle. I was fine with that until I finally wanted to be myself and make love how I need with the passion I need.

I wanted to achieve what my father would have wanted to achieve. I wanted to avenge his death, so it wasn’t just in vain, but to make him proud. And I wanted to make my mom proud and lift her up. But, I really didn’t know how to be whatever it was I was stereotypically supposed to become. I didn’t know what to do, and neither did my h. He had the fantasy of being successful, but was really just a simple guy, too.

We were having that passion in the beginning and he loved it. He was initiating. He stopped shortly in to the marriage because he was so stressed from work.

I do love him. I want him to hold me, and comfort me. He’s so aloof. I’m backing down again from breaking up, getting divorced.

Maybe I really do have a disorder. He triggers me by not initiating or initiating awkwardly and phoney. I go overly emotional to put it mildly and cry divorce. No one even takes me seriously now. Then I ‘come to my senses’ and slink away, tail between legs.

It’s a battle for control that I always lose and end up humiliated either way.

If this is a PD, at least I have lived a traditional life; suburbs, kids, PTA, a job that I can do in between these fits.

I wish I couldn't relate to your struggle....for a different reason but it was still a struggle to leave. My marriage was NEVER good so I never had that to look back on....I just had kept the hopes he would finally some day grow up & become a responsible team partner. It took years to give up that hope but when it gets horribly bad in ALL aspects of the marriage it becomes much easier to walk (run) out on.

The fact that he is a good H except in one area may be why you are having a harder time leaving. Even after getting my disabiluty, the bad financial situation he created when my mental health condition hit actually kept me trapped until I got inheritance that allowed me to escape. Even that was iffy & had to put my farm in an LLC to protect it.

That final decision to call it quits is never easy. Some guys just make it easier than others.

Do you pull back in hopes that he might pursue you with this passion again?

Yes, I either started waiting to see if he would initiate, or I found an unhealthy way of getting myself to.

I felt the anger lift yesterday, just like I always do. We made truce. No sex still. There should be no reward or punishment tied to this. Just made peace.

Now this last bought of anger/emotional fit lasted two weeks.

This really doesn’t fit into any one psychological disorder or MI.

We watched videos people posted on youtube titled “BPD meltdown” and we chuckled that what they showed was nothing. I could surely post a doozy of a meltdown.

Just like my first post here, Developed Adult Temper Tantrums, nothing has changed. They are only at him over one specific trigger.

I wished a t could have helped us.

So now I just need to look at my past posts when I am triggered to remind myself that I will calm down, the anger will lift, I do not really hate him. The adrenaline that surged in me over these past several days has me feeling so weak and broken down. It is grand mal panic attack.

And that’s my story. I hope good doctors find out what this is and ways to help.

No doctor can help you if you don't go see them.

Thank you for your threads Tisha,seriously.It's so brave of you to share all of this.Honestly,when I read your posts,I could have written them myself.

I have been doing this back and forth dance for so long now that my husband doesn't even pay attention to the "f**k you,I'm leaving" tantrums anymore and just rides them out until they pass.And I end up feeling so humiliated over them.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.I honestly don't know how much of our problems are me and how much are him.

You are not alone in this.I am not as brave as you to share more but I am a PM away if you choose.