Moving Out?

When you keep crying 'wolf,' you begin to lose credibility.

I't seriously does depend on whose fault it REALLY is & the fact that you do love him & that your issue is only with one aspect of your marriage THOUGH AN IMPORTANT one too.

It toik me 33 years of wan5ing to leave before it was possible & finally happened & one of his comments was "I thought you were going to tolerate me for the rest of our lives" When there are tons of issues & you realize you never loved the guy, a whole different picture ends up being painted.....though my blow ups & fighting never ended those whole 33 years....they subsided now & then but were always at the surface ready to explode when he pushed his screw-ups too far.

Yes, the boy who cried wolf was no longer listened to when the real wolf came along. Being real with our feelings doesnt always mean we have to express them in a dysfunctional way. We can learn better more mature ways of expressing what bothers the we have to learn new ways & practice....maybe that is why DBT was initially created for BPD.....though it works for all mental health issues even depression, anxiety & it helped with my PTSD.

It sounds like your H doesn't understand how to engage with you sexually where the sexual experience is actually rewarding to you. Instead he isn't passionate with you and most likely leaves you feeling like the act was more about you "servicing" him and your needs are not met at all. He is a frog man, you know, basically just hops on and then hops off. Does that sound right?

Maybe there was some sexual abuse in his past that has impacted the way he is sexually now.

My husband has this belief that the sexual abuse he experienced in childhood was not a big deal and something he got over a long time ago.He has never sought help for it and has never talked about it.Even after this many years of marriage he still has never told me who molested him.I think that it has a lot to do with his intimacy problems.

For sure that’s something driving your husband’s intimacy problems.

Mine is a good lover when we get going. I have analyzed it throughly. 1. Is a case of my sex drive is more frequent than his. 2. It doesn’t matter what I need and how I effectively express it, he won’t give it because it’s just not in his mind. He is watching TV, not thinking about how he can please me. 3. There is an element of passive-aggressive hatred he has toward me and probably all women who tell him what to do. But don’t even get me started, that’s where I get triggered. 4. There is an element of Jekyll and Hyde, where he is a Casanova when he wants to be, and that is when I am beaten. I have put a stop to this now. 5. He might have some slight Asperger’s element where he just can’t truly connect. 6. He might have slight narcissism, and definitely has little to no empathy.

One fact— no matter what kind of disorder I may have, I did not do this alone! I have never waivered, making myself crystal clear this whole time.

But my fear is— I do have some disorder that caused me to find his Achilles Heel in order to sabotage my happiness.

So that it. There isn’t one thought I haven’t pondered.

And since I am the boy who cried wolf, I always slink back down, a laughing stock.

So what happened when the wolf finally came? He ate the boy. The end.

These attacks are still happening. They aren’t getting better, except that I know I will reverse myself and change my mind about divorcing once the attack lifts.

So maybe that’s as good as it’ll get.

Tisha, do you still ovulate?

My ob told me I was post menopausal. I had a hysto several years ago, leaving ovaries. I never had any real hot flashes that made me feel menopausal.

When this problem started with h, it was after I gave birth, so I went to ob about it. I have told this to every doctor I have seen over the past 20 years, even the ophthalmologist!

I once took a study where I tracked these moods to see if it was PMS, and they said it wasn’t due to not matching the timing to ovulating.

Can you get away for 2-4 weeks, go to another country on vacation or something? Space away seems like it would be clarifying.

I couldn't agree more.

FYI, all this back and forth is exauhsting. I can't imagine how you must feel Tisha. Let me know when you actually proceed with moving out and divorcing him. Until then, I shall be minding my own life. Good luck!

I had planned a nice trip that is coming up in just two weeks for me and h. It is with a group of people from my professional association. I’m thinking we’re just not going and will lose the money I paid for it. I could go alone, though. But, that’s just awful of me. I don’t have the nerve, and am afraid I’d be an emotional mess, having a traumatic meltdown anyway.

Why doesn't your H want to go?

Many times my H has not gone with me (out West) because he was either too busy or said he would not enjoy it yet I he usually wanted me to dutyfully accompany him to all his family events.

Why doesn't your H want to go?

Many times my H has not gone with me (out West) because he was either too busy with work or said he would not enjoy it yet I he usually wanted me to accompany him to all his family events and I did it for him.

He’s out of the house since Saturday. We can’t do this crazy dance any more. During a moment of wishful thinking I booked the trip. We’d have enjoyed it. Now, I’ll just blow it off and be out the money for it.

His parents, who are literally 100, truly did hang on until they “outlived me”. His mother is probably dying pretty soon, took a turn for the worse yesterday. Right in the middle of our split.

Boy, this sure ended badly.

Good heavens don’t apologize to us! Look, these things are intricately complicated and the escape plan can take a while to figure out and even longer to put in place and carry out. One of the big sticking points for me was the home—the giant marital asset in which we had sunk any money we had left: the giant dark pit of debt and mortgage... yadda yadda... and the legal tangle.

I also worried a lot about the back and forth craziness: one week I couldn’t stand another second of hellacious behavior and I would start thinking about what to pack. Nnext week my wife would try very hard to look like she was apologizing and I’d feel bad and maybe hopeful and also exhausted by the uphill struggle, and sort of slide back. And then all the friends and colleagues who were so supportive of my escape plan the week before would listen politely...okay, perhaps with some irritation... as I tried to explain we were going to coupls therapy and we’d try and work it out. And my poor younger daughter would just shake her head and go quiet. And I would start the internal countdown to the next blowup—we made it 18 days once. So yeah... back and forth: it’s hardest on you and your child and everyone else will understand. A big change like that just takes patience, lots and lots and lots of patience. And keep your eyes on the prize.

Yes, back & forth & people where I live now wonder why after 10 years if living 2100 miles away in my own farm I am just now working with a good lawyer & FINALLY getting my divorce.

Just kike MrMoose said, the financial entanglements can cause total distruction if persued at the wrong time. Before, the divorce would have FORCED bankruptcy & I woyld have kost my farm & my freedom because our marital home was upside down & there was no assets to counter the debt except my fsrm even though it was from inheritance & NEVER in the Cslufornia marriage assets. The can if worms & legal aspect of dealing with it at that time would have been destructive.

Time ket the debts drop off the scene & now just tje house remains & it now is no longer upside down. Only thing still updide down is my H's brain...nothing new about that. Now is the time to get the divorce & wash my hands of him completely.

There is a comibg together of emotional & financial issues that really define the breaking point though my breaking point was LONG before I left or I eouldn't have had all the suicide attempts thinking at the time it was my only way to escape....we NEVER KNOW what tje future holds....but seeing the big picture & using wise mind helps us to execute the plan for making our moves at judt the right time....it is sort of like a chess game in a way.