[Aviza]

Since my mom treats me like a teenager rather than look for a place to move to on my own I'm going to look for a roommate. I'm not ready to be on my own financially, so I figure this is the best way to get on my feet. She'll be angry at me, I have mentioned it to her, because she wants me to stay until the house is sold.

I wanted to drive down to see my now ex boyfriend because he hates my mom's involvement in my life so he ended things last night again. My mom barrage me with insults. Calling me a prostitute, saying she would disown me, along with saying pack all my bags and go which is not what I want to do, I used to drive more miles to work every week but for some reason seeing him is the ultimate sin. I really think she just likes to pick fights with me and she loves that she ended my relationship.

Needless to say I had to back out of going because I didn't win that fight no matter what I said, and he ended things because he's sick of dealing with my me and my mother. I know really it's for the best but I'm getting symptoms because of the stress. I hate that I can't come to my own conclusions in my own time. In my own way. I'm almost 44 years old and being treated like a child.

[divine1966]

Your mother sees you repeateadly getting on with abusive men, so she clearly isn’t happy about it. If you can drive all the time to see this man, then you can afford to be on your own. She probably thinks that if you have energy driving to please this man, you should have energy to work full time. I have no control over who my daughter dates and I never tell her, but if she lived under my roof and ran around pleasing abusers, she’d have to live on her own.

You have a teenage daughter whom you don’t gave custody of but I believe you were awarded visitations. You should focus on seeing your daughter and being a role model (would you like her to have no self respect either?). Also put energy into looking for improving your life. This man broke up with you because he refuses to come see you. And you still want to drive to sleep wuth him. You need to respect yourself more.

Also taking in consideration how he shoved objects into your genitalia against your will, next time he’ll do something worse. You never know which trip might be the last. Abusers and rapists often start their abuse slow. You keep coming back sohe knows he can do anything now.

Do you see a therapist?

[divine1966]

I also have to add that since you only have supervised visitations with your daughter you might need to start working on unsupervised ones. At the same time this dangerous man should never be around your daughter so you keep that in mind. You have a lot to sort out which is way more important than keeping this dude happy. Please seek professional mental health help on this matter

[Aviza]

We are allowed on unsupervised visits, just dinners out so far but it's something. The parental liaison is an go between for me and my ex. She doesn't know he did anything abusive she just decided she doesn't like him because he's poor and she said he's a liar. But mainly because he's poor. He's not a rich farmer, not a successful businessman, he's only working part-time not full-time and he's poor.

[Aviza]

Yes I'm in therapy and DBT therapy.

[divine1966]

It doesn’t matter if he is rich or poor. (Working only part time but having time to abuse women is bizarre too but I digress). He is violent sexually abusive man who is using women for booty calls. He isn’t even your boyfriend since he broke up with you and you still putting him on a pedestal. Your daughter has good gut feelings. Please talk to your therapist

[ArchieAus]

I apologise for even commenting . I don't know you or your situation , I read above ,people who have interacted with you for some time and their words are firm but caring and seem wise
The only thing I really wanted to say is I knew a person once who was attracted to controlling people . I watch them being treated terribly . The controller would occasionally throw this person a compliment or a slight kindness . This was seen as a sign of true love , but to me it was only a piece of rotting bait to ensure they stayed on the hook to be mentally abused some more . The person I knew always found excuses for this controller and blamed themselves for the behaviour . This person I knew had a lot to offer the world , but was wasting their life on a cause they could never win , never find contentment from . They lived 90% sadness and 10% fragile happiness . That person deserved so much more but couldn't see it .

There needs to be give and take in (good) relationships. Balance. What has this man done for you?

[Aviza]

He bought me chocolates and flowers. Paid for most of our dates. Told me every day how beautiful and perfect my body is. I'm fat btw. How much he loves me, and that he loves me more than he's ever loved before. He's not violent that was an assumption that's wrong. He told me stories of defending women who were abused by husbands. He took me on frequent dates. He cooked for me. Fixed my broken down car.

I figured he worked part time to tend to the farm but he used to work 2 part time jobs not sure why not full time. .ight be hard to find where he's from. His truck is broken down right now and he can't afford to fix it yet. That is part of the reason he wasn't coming up.

But my mom put in her head that he had to come up before i could go down again. And if he loved me he'd fix his car and get to me. His complaint no privacy at my moms she intrudes and he was worried he lose his temper with her again. Mom says I deserve better someone who can support me she used to say now it's someone who can make my dreams come true.

He got fed up with her interference and it was her that forbid me to go down to see him. Yet I can go move in with him. Both say so, but I say not about to leave my job and therapy my for a guy I was having doubts about.

Ah. Thank you for explaining.

[~Christina]

What does your T think about this guy ?

Regardless of your mother and him not getting along isn’t really the issue, although he said he “might “ lose his temper , if he loves you he would keep his shyt together to see you ......he could pick you up ( once he fixes his truck) and go do free things , visit park, picnic , wander in a book store, there are so many things are free! Can you work overtime to help save up money to move out of your moms house, having a roommate will certainly help financially.

Other than you becoming independent. He broke up with you. Maybe focus more on yourself. You can only having things in life by working hard for them.

Good luck

[Aviza]

Being on SSD I can only work so much or i lose SSD. I have taxes coming. From working full time last year following my recovery need part time for now for therapies. My therapist knows we love each other that counts for something, for now she thinks I should work on the problems. We're still talking but kind of broken up. He says i can go find someone that we won't see each other for a while. Has depressed sounding. My mom says I don't need a project I have my own life to fix. I know I'm going to have to let him go but I really want to see him once more at least.

He just told you that you can go find someone. He does not love you. He would never have said that if he did. He would be right there by your side, helping you if he loved you. You need to work on making your own life better.

[~Christina]

^^^