Making and keeping friends

For the last 3-4 years, I can't really say I've had friends. Acquaintances, sure. But not really friends. No matter how lonely I feel, I just lost the desire to make friends. I've always lost connections when I would start a new chapter in life (like graduating school or starting school/job etc.) I just want nothing to do with my old life and even if I liked the people, I want nothing to do with them. I can't imagine making and keeping friends unless I'm in a job that I plan on keeping the rest of my life and living in a place where I'll never move. So if nothing ever changes, I could comfortably make friends maybe after 1-2 years or so.

But then again, as much as I can be lonely most of the time, making and keeping friends just seems like a ridiculous amount of effort. I kind of prefer just having acquaintances and not getting close to anyone other than the person I'm in a relationship with (since it's too late to not get too close there). Is not having friends going to eventually ruin my relationship? Is there a way to feel less lonely if you just have acquaintances?

Sorry to bump my own thread, but I've also realized that I really hate the out of control feeling I feel when I start to attach to someone. The separation anxiety and obsessive behaviors tend to get worse. I have no idea how I've been in a romantic relationship this long without being broken up with because of these things.

I just have to face the fact that no matter how many friends or loved ones I have, it will never fill the huge black void inside of me so I'll always be empty and lonely no matter how many people are around me. It's painful and exhausting (to control bad impulses especially) to develop and maintain healthy relationships. It's too high of a risk too. Are my life and physical well being worth it to have friends? I'm already at such a high risk being in a relationship.

I do know I have attachment issues. My attachment style is very much anxious-avoidant which demands ALL the attention and love, but when I get it, I just want to be left alone.

I have HUGE attachment issues too. It's taking a long time and A LOT of therapy to make it managable. How my husband has put up with it I don't know.

Are you in therapy at all? It might help to have somebody to talk it out with and to teach you a new way to attach.

My partner and I are in couple's therapy. I don't usually do well with individual therapy. I'm not sure why. I guess it's hard to find someone I can attach to enough to continue therapy but not enough that I actually attach.

I’m similar to you. I have “friends “ from work, but nobody that I socialize with outside of work. It just seems like too much effort to have friends. I’m not one that likes to go out that much anyway and when I do, it’s with my partner.

I have similar issues. My closest friends have mental and/or chronic illness like me, so we're very fortunate to have found one another because we all understand one another. If one of us is not up for being social, then we get it.

I tend to keep to myself now because the relationships I develop tend to end with me being involved in obsessive behavior or conforming to their personality as a form of attachment. I do it so easily that I don't know who I am as an individual.

It is alot of effort to socialize or make new friends, particularly when you're working on your own situation. You have to "be on," and it can be exhausting.

I don't think so. I think there are a lot of people that prefer to engage with many different people, albeit to a lesser extent that a close friendship. I think this is almost an "extrovert-like" mentality. I think as long as there is equity when it comes to leaning on each other in your actual relationships, there won't be any risk to ruining the relationship. Also being honest about your concerns to your SO would be ideal (though I don't know your situation, so not trying to push advice as much as state my personal opinion).

I'm kind of in a similar place myself, in which I'm just really jaded with a lot of the relationships I have and they seem like a lot of work for not much fulfillment. I've taken to joining a bunch of clubs/meetups in my town... I will hopefully see if this does indeed subdue to the feeling of loneliness I've had.

That's pretty much what it's like for me, but a lot of times (at least when my partner and I lived in the same city), he would want to go out in groups. I would know most of these people, but I wasn't particularly comfortable with them. So a lot of the time I'm just sitting there listening and feeling ignored and lonely. And he would like me to have people to talk to so he doesn't have to give me all his attention.

I think I have a tendency to conform too as part of attachment. I've gotten accused of not knowing who I am or what I want out of relationships which apparently is a felony at my age (sarcasm, sort of).

The only person I'm sort of attaching to (at work) now is someone who relates to my sexuality and mental health issues.

I'm only concerned because my partner seems disappointed and sad for me because I don't have friends like he has. He has tons of friends all over the country and world. He used to have a job that had him travel and work with people from many different countries. He simply doesn't understand not having friends. He also doesn't understand having little to no connection to family like I do. He had to witness how my parents treat me to understand why I don't like having a lot of contact with them.

I've tried meetup groups and other community organizations. Even groups that I should have things in common with on paper, I don't feel like my life experiences match. Maybe it's too hard to explain. I've dropped out of a lot of organizations because I didn't feel welcome or comfortable. One could argue it's just me, but I feel welcome and comfortable at the school I work at.

There aren't a lot of organizations that I would relate to in my town because it's relatively small (only 300,000 people give or take) and the culture is VERY rural so it's uncomfortable to be different in a relatively conservative place.

I've gone off and on to a group of people who relate to each other by their sexual orientation, but I don't feel like I belong there because my dating experience in the past and present is different than theirs and it frankly makes me feel inadequate. It was hard on my relationship because I felt like I wanted to start making unreasonable demands on it to be like the others.

I don't know, maybe it's hard to understand without more detail, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable giving more detail.

I was in a similar dynamic in previous relationships. Most of my boyfriends were way more sociable than I was. it came so easily to them that I always seemed to be the weird one because I mostly liked being alone. It's difficult, particularly because comparing ourselves to other people can become unhealthy for everyone involved.

Ways to make me less lonely usually include being mindful of the small things we take for granted. Going to a nice restaurant, for example, and taking a long time to eat so you can savor the taste of it. Sitting in the park and listening to the birds or watching squirrels play. These are things we often overlook when we're around other people, and when we're alone somewhere along the way you might appreciate that there are these outer mechanisms at play, simply existing like you are.

Another way to feel less lonely is to find activities oriented for one person. Writing, drawing, exercise, reading a book, etc.

The odd thing is that I don't like being alone most of the time. Occasionally just to get some quiet or to work on my solitary hobbies (I enjoy writing and gaming on my own and am getting back into reading again). Unfortunately, the weather hasn't been so great to go out in (not spring yet) so I haven't felt like going to the neighborhood park. I also don't like going out by myself.

When I feel lonely, I find that it helps to ask myself what it is that I'm looking for from another person. Do I want sympathy? Do I want to do a certain activity? Questions like that.

If it's sympathy that you're looking for in the form of kind words, you could simply come to this forum and get that. If you're looking for advice, you could also come here as you do. If you're looking to do a social activity like see a movie with someone, then that's more of a challenge. I'm a person with no friends, so it's a challenge that I understand quite well. Who do I see a movie with? There's nobody I can call up and ask. So where do I go to meet people?

I suppose there's social events/groups/etcetera that I could check out, but then it's a matter of whether or not those things interest me. I would feel strange joining a reading group with no interest in reading and eventually, other people would pick up on that lack of interest and wonder why I'm there. It would be an awkward situation to put myself in, so there's no use.

I suppose that I could post an ad on Craigslist or something similar, but that feels strange too. It's not something that that the majority of people do when looking to make friends and I feel that there's a higher risk of meeting dangerous/mentally unstable people.

I also often find myself not liking people. They're annoying, we have different values, etc.

I guess I'm deep down looking for attention or praise. Maybe it would fill part of the hole inside of me. Sometimes I just want reassurance, but it's mostly just attention.

I do have a decent number of interests that could be done in groups, but I don't care for things that don't put me at the center of attention. I always wondered why I didn't care for activities that everyone else with my interests enjoy...I actually find some of them triggering depression episodes. So I can't be around people with much in common with me because of jealousy.